Thank you… oh dear goodness thank you to Webber Bus. As I peered wearily out of the window earlier I noticed that amongst their many anonymous (so far) white Optare Solos there is at least one painted in a new livery for our town, such as it is. The colours.? Well Badgerline green and yellow of course and bloody lovely it looks too. The corporate ‘Barbie’ livery that First ruins every object it touches with certainly did bland out the place. ACL and their vivid orange had a slight tendancy to make everything look like it had caught fire. Hurrah for Webberbus.!

On the subject of iffy colours on modes of transport, is it ‘green’ to have a Honda Civic Type R and put wheels on it that are the same colour as Kermit the Frog.? Just I saw one earlier and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Not even touring cars have green wheels.!

What’s with this new fashion among the ladies for wearing hoodies with their names emblazoned across the back. I know some are the college “hair/health therapy” classes and obviously need some way of remembering what their name is at various times of the day, but not all the lasses I have seen with them on were of that age. I certainly take my name badge off when I walk around town because there are some funny fuckers amongst us who think calling me by my first name when I am wandering around town is hilarious (plus for some reason the elderly seem to assume that if you have a name badge on when stood in a shop then it automatically means you work there no matter what company name you badge provides).! I do recall sending people in the wrong direction frequently in ASDA years ago when they asked me for help as I had a suit on (I also had a name badge on that did not say ASDA by any means but that is not important clearly).

It did make me wonder though. Does make chatting up women easier if they are advertising their names. Far easier than using a line such as “what’s a nice fourteen year old like you doing in a lap dancing club like this”.

And finally tonight, I wish to cover the importance of wearing the correct lights for riding your bike at night, that is to say, red to the back and yellowy white to the front. However, having your brightly glowing red face showing at the front and the shining like a night sky moon to the rear may confuse people, little Miss Ginger-haired lady I saw earlier. You certainly did not need that reflective jacket.!

Good morrow fair children.!

PS…

Here’s an addition I should have seen coming…

Katie Price has been quoted as saying “When I die, it will be a Diana moment”. Hmmm. How exactly.? Will the good ol’ folks of fair London town, gawd bless ‘em, line the streets waving flags with pictures of your ugly mug on them. Silently they will sob as your humped front coffin is drawn along by six strapping young men with g-strings on, a procession of pink limos following along behind and that shit single you released playing over the top of it all like some kind of audio strawberry mousse. And there at the end as they lower the plastic princess of pointlessness into a hole in the ground lined with the heads of seven million Barbie dolls I shall stand with a mallet and a very long piece of metal to hammer through that silicone embossed chest of her’s juuuuust to make sure she is actually no longer in the land of the living.

So how, Miss Price, will it be a Diana moment.? Is it that you will be vigourously splashed across the driving console of a German built car.? Perhaps you final seconds will be a parade of thick headed jouralists hell bent on taking just one more photo of that chillingly gormless face before you plough nips first into the first underpass your driver can find to a salute of 50cc moped engines. Or is it more simple than that.? Is it that Alex and Peter will be straight around your gaff clearing out all the valubles a la Paul Burrell.?

Either way I know I will be far more impressed than September 1997.

(and as for the rumours that Andre is shacking up with Kerry fucking Katona… I don’t have the time to actually comment on that without using the rest of my natural life). Satan help us all.!!!

You know when you are a kid… and you have all those people on TV who you get used to and see every day or every weekend.? Like Phillip Schofield and Sarah Green, or Timmy Mallett, well from my younger years at least. They always seem almost like invincible gods who will never change. In the case of the aforementioned three, they haven’t really (apart from Mr Schofield’s hair colour). I have been burnt by this way of thinking before. Back in 1999 ish, I was channel hopping and stumbled across a channel Five programme about iffy porn, like Eurotrash, but it was hosted by none other than Trevor and Simon.! The classic two fill in comedians from Going Live (”We don’t do duvets”).

Now weird as that was, imagine my utter horror whilst watching cheap shitarama Sky channel ‘bidupTV’ to see a man who looked remarkably like Peter Simon who used to present ‘Double Dare’ (also on Going Live) trying to flog the nation a range of horrible looking watches and cameras that not even Lidl would stock. Sadly it did indeed turn out to be Peter Simon. The voice was impossible to ignore. My how the mighty have fallen.

Actually, looking back over all those childhood memories another person pops up who has changed very little. He was THE voice of Camberwick Green, Chigley and Trumpton. Mr Brian Cant. He also presented Playschool and Bric-a-Brac, some of the most diverse bits of kids television we had back in the 1980s. Certainly one of the kings of children’s entertainment.

…and so the world continues turning…

Or does it. Without saying too much, something has occured in my work life that has upset the balance of my mind. It all relates to music.

How many of us enjoy music as much as we can, different genres, ages, speeds, beats all sorts of wild and wonderful aural numbers. Now imagine that that sound track to your life is taken away by half of the time you are awake. What a terrible thought. Well that is what has happened to me. My working life has now changed for the worst and I no longer want to continue working where I currently am.

Time to check out jobsgopublic.com again I guess.!

PS… my Facebook account has problems hence why it has disappeared. It will hopefully be up again soon, thank you Mr Nigerian, in the meantime email me through this site if you need me.

PPS… can someone put this site up as a link on their FB page please… Miss Rodgers, Mr Hwang for instance .

Oooooh I am just sliding in under the two week deadline I try and set myself to stick up a new blog. One week, six days is none to shabby considering… well not considering anything, but it would appear World of Warcraft and building small things gets in the way sometimes.

Am I the only one enjoying this current weather trend of nice and sunny in the morning to wake me up and then rainy afternoons to wash the filth from the streets…  especially today as it is giro day.

The first Grand Prix of the year has been and gone and it was interesting. Sadly it wasn’t interesting in the way I would have liked it. I don’t remember the pre-1994 races without refueling being so lacklustre and rather bland. I know the Bahrain track is one of those tracks that doesn’t lend itself to overtaking, even less so with the new midfield section (fuck knows what Silverstone will be like now they have added a huge bit in the middle and further ruined one of the classic circuits, bastards). So it was race, in to the pits for those new boots and then out again and dear goodness don’t race, push the tyres too hard or try to overtake anything.

They probably could have drawn the winners from a hat and left it at that. Sunday is Adelaide and I do hope they manage to race this time rather than drive around showing the world that their sponsors have a lot of money.

What else has amused me recently…

Oh yes, the mini bus full of “special needs” children who were being lovingly chaffeured past me by a driver with a sense of humour… who kept tapping the brake/throttle and making a knodder effect on the entire group of passengers.

One thing that has been getting on my tits more and more recently is this plague of girls who seem to have had trouble deciding what to wear. I am not talking about those classy slappers you see with a belt barely covering their massive vagina and a top that would barely qualify as a tissue to most of us, I mean those scene ladies who appear to have stood in front of their wardrobe, selected three outfits and then absentmindedly put the whole lot on. It’s a bit like using the Mr Bean method of painting, place a large, lit firework in a pile of random clothes and stand ready…

…seconds later… BOOOOOOM and there you go. Leggings AND skinnies AND tights AND four different tops in four colours that would look clashy on a pizza.! Maybe I am just getting old… but I like a well dressed woman and that doesn’t mean they can’t look casual as well.

There is a new entry in the “bad advertising slogan” listing that I happened across earlier on. The JML Miracle Blade knife set, courtesy of “Chef Tony”, the guy who advertises it and possibly appears in the Go fucking Compare advert too (same stupid ‘tache) comes with the serial killer friendly catch line… “This is the last set of knives you will ever need”. Well I assume that is because you will soon be arrested having butchered that girl you saw through the curtains of her lonely farmhouse as well as her family, the pizza delivery dude, three policeman and a prostitute called Cheryl.

As the general election approaches there are rumours that if the Tories cannot get a big enough majority there could be a hung parliament. I can only assume both Mark Speight and Kristian Digby were both budding politicians.

British Airways are finally settling down to normal after their thieving overpaid, underworked cabin staff went on strike for more money. Again. Well done people. You make me defend a company I detest in an industry I hate. Ok so BA make a fair bit of money, but these money grabbing bastards aren’t exactly paid a pittance.! The AVERAGE wage packet is around THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS A YEAR. I’ll tell you what Mr and Mrs BA Cabin crew member, come and do my job for half that and then see how lucky you are. Or you could just fuck off and drown quietly somewhere.

Bloody unions (although in the case of the planned rail strikes, I do back them, thanks to Network Rail cutting work when there is SO much that needs doing, Labour really know how to run the country).

And finally tonight (as the girl who was one hundred squagillion percent sure that her ex was the father and who is now sobbing as she finds out someone else chucked one up her pipe) The Now Show revealed to me that the Americans, such as they are, have created a robot.

Now this is no ordinary robot. It doesn’t automatically buy doughnuts or turn over the Tivo box to another episode of bloody Lost, it is a battlefield robot that regenerates automnously through organic matter. In other words, they have developed a flesh eating android. The bot, called EATR, can devour grass, trees, shrubs etc to repair itself in a war situation. But it can also be programmed to eat flesh, be it human or otherwise. What do you normally find in a large quantity on the field of battle though… yup, bodies. Dead bodies which can be chewed up and used to create more dead bodies.

Oh joy. Well if I don’t compose another blog within the next two weeks, consider my vitals have been scoffed by a 2010 version of Jonny Five. Lovely.!

*****LATE NEWS *****

Actually can I add a side note on the whole clothing thing… Why is it that the same girls who appear “bomb dressed” are the ones who have a folder on facebook that is populated by the same webcam photo repeated 78 times of her and her mate looking at the camera and occasionally laughing, sometimes a pout, sometimes a grimace. Why.??? I don’t sit here and take a hundred photos of me looking at the screen whilst I play WoW or stuff a pizza down my neck, maybe I should.!? Imagine if you had to put that sort of thing on a CV when applying for a job…

“Oh and here are some photos. In this one I blinked. Then my friend did in this one. Then my cat came in and I waved at it. Then my friend found a biscuit. Then we decided to fill my entire 320Gb hard drive with the SAME FUCKING PHOTO”.

It’s a good job Steven Spielberg didn’t get involved with that sort of caper otherwise Star Wars would be one long set of pics of him and Chewy spaffing their pants because the webcam just moved two millimetres on it’s own and then someone said the word “toast” in a funny voice.

Ah. Payweek. Finally. This month I have enough to go out, get drunk and make a tit of myself in public. Now that is just what the doctor asked for. It has been over two months since I last got drunk.!! Three years ago I was getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night, sometimes Thursdays and Tuesdays too. Maybe a Wednesday if I was bored. No wonder I never had any money.! Looking forward to trying out Decades and catching up with Hwang, Carl, Pouty, Magna et al. Watch out world, Bunny is coming out… not like that.

So I spent yesterday afternoon alone in my stockroom leaping around and singing heartily to an old favourite album… The Curse by Atreyu. In my humble (yeah right) opinion it is the only album they should have bothered making. It brought back very happy memories of bouncing around Hobbits and generally enjoying myself as well as picking like mad whilst all worked up on teen angst style musical-ness. Throwing on The Used – Taste of Ink afterwards was a stroke of genius. Ah yesterday leave me alone.

I did see a strange sight going past my little window though. Flat bed truck with a bright yellow shipping container style thing plonked on the back. On the side in big letters was scribed “WELFARE UNIT”. Now the only place I can possibly imagine that truck going to, in the state it was in, is surely a building site. What welfare do building contractors need.??? The only image in my head was that the inside of that filing cabinet style place was bare apart from a kettle and an ashtray. Welfare unit indeed. Then again maybe it was due outside the Jeremy Kyle studios to provide somewhere easier to cash a giro on a Tuesday morning.

As three fire engines blasted past work earlier I noticed a small chap at the crossing waving at them. Now without being too offensive this person was of the double glazing saliva washing generation and there was something in the reaction he made towards the passing red machines that made me wonder, juuuuuust for a moment, if he wasn’t about to give chase whilst yelling about wanting a “strawberry Cornetto and a Twoball Screwball”. Poor guy.

And here endeth the lessoneth. Be good to yourselves… and each other.

DS Beech from The Bill. I know you may have fallen on hard times what with you no longer being in The Bill or whatever else you have appeared in, but do you really have to lower yourself to selling iffy “you blame and claim” lawyer firms on the television. I noted earlier that your most recent work contains you opening with the phrase “we are injury lawyers for you”. As you are advertising a low budget firm who happen to be called “injury lawyers 4 U” and the website address is just that, surely the words in your script are pointless.

I am fully aware that you are not Cary Grant, Kenneth Williams or indeed a really top class actor, but do you not have some pride.? Do you not have some kind of social conscience that would prevent you selling your artistic soul to produce adverts of this shitty calibre. It is bad enough that Stephen Fry and Paul Merton are both hosting the Direct Line ads (two comedians I greatly admire) or that every other person who has ever spent ten minutes in front of a camera has done a part advert for Tesco.!

So just stop it ok.? Or I shall come round and put pepper in your pants.

Pray hello my dear folks. I just HAD to get that little rant out before I started things off properly, these things do build up in me so. This is a slightly odd blog as I have written different bits over the past few days and now I am just putting it all together. Call it a blog-jigsaw and throw me a big bowl of Brian Cant.!

There are just TWENTY THREE days to the first Grand Prix of the year. TWENTY BLOODY THREE and you know what is the most exciting part of it all for me…? It isn’t Michael Schumacher and his return in the Mercedes. It isn’t Mercedes running a works team for the first time since the early days. It isn’t the idea of 26 cars on the grid (or maybe even 28). And bizarrely it isn’t the fully English line up at McLaren with two world champions…

It’s the return of one of the greatest names in Formula One history. A team that won the constructor’s championship SEVEN times. Led by the genius, if a little bloody minded, Colin Chapman and with cars driven by such F1 heroes as Clark, Hill, Moss, Mansell, Piquet, Senna, Fittipaldi, Ireland, Amon, Peterson and even Mika Hakkinen in his early days. Lotus are BACK and even more importantly, powered by a Cosworth engine. Sadly it won’t be the incredible DFV which powered pretty much every car in F1 during the seventies and eighties (and which would no longer fit the formula anyway).

Just looking at their new car takes me back to the late eighties and Senna driving the bright yellow Camel sponsored machine to victory at Monaco (the penultimate  Lotus win, their last being Senna again at the next race in the USA).  Chapman was brilliant as a designer and also had some new idea to drag out of the pot. He was the one who brought in side skirts and ground effects. He invented a car with TWO chassis, one inside the other, to allow the car to run closer to the ground (which got it disqualified very quickly) and it was also Lotus that introduced tobacco sponsorship back in the 1960s with the Gold Leaf sponsored Lotus 25 (or was it the 49).

Either way, I am getting closer and closer to the edge of my seat waiting for that first race to be sent off on it’s parade lap. I just hope it ends up as exciting as 2008 did, although I am not sure my nerves could take that again.!

And finally… there should be a warning label on all boxes of chocolates that reads “Caution, may cause your friends and family to try and steal all the soft centres from under your nose”. Still… very nice though, thanks Chili.

Bye all.!

Alright there everybody.? Week six of 2010 treating you in a nice way I trust.? Good good. My legs are aching so a cold or my usual dust allergy appears to be on the way. Oh lucky me. Oh well, this week, next week, then two weeks off so that is just eight working days and I am offski.

I saw a few sights whilst people watching this afternoon (in between counting obviously). The first was a blob. I say blob but it was actually a very common looking lass who had clearly taken the McDonalds “go large” slogan the wrong way. But bless her, there she was, dancing along with a fag in one hand, a phone in t’other and a Romford face lift (skin tightened to almost snapping point due to the mammoth stress applied by a series of load bearing ‘Scrunchies’.  I also noticed a distinct increase around town of scabby looking men and women, wild eyed and desperate (and one in a pink velour tracksuit despite being at least 40 if not older).

Took me a while to work it out but then I remembered today is Giro day and the level of class of the town centre drops as the High Street fills with alcoholics and smack heads crawl out to take our tax payers money and spend it in Greggs, the bookies and Booze Buster. Joyous days.

(Ooooh as I think about it I do remember seeing another family of the underclass pushing a pram around with a McDonalds box sat atop the pram. Marvellous stuff… oh and the couple in Pooondland debating which crisps are best to feed their baby.!! Fuck me, what a society).

Then I saw a car drive past. One of the new shape Minis. Well nothing weird there (unless you count the awful plastic covered lump of shit that drove past me yesterday with two yoofs cuddled up inside) but this Mini had a word in huge black letters on the roof. It said “MINI”. Why in hell does someone need the type of car they are driving emblazoned on the top of their vehicle.? Is it in case you park by a tall building and often forget where you parked it.? Or perhaps when you drink drive your way home it can be useful to know the name of the car you are in so when you have to phone the AA to drag you out of the bus stop you have crashed through they know what to look for.

Perhaps we should extend this trend to other people and their cars. So on the top of Peter Andre’s car he could have “TIT” splashed across it. Michael Winner could have “CUNT” on his. JLS could have “BUNCH OF TALENTLESS WASTERS” on their tour bus perhaps. Ultimately we would end up with Kerry Katona driving around the country with “IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN I AM PROBABLY ON MY WAY TO REHAB AGAIN OR BUYING MORE DRUGS”… good job she has a big car then.

Finally tonight we have a band that has been getting lots of airtime on Radio Two. They have been around for a good while but have only just appeared on my radar. They are called Little Big Town and their single “Fine Line” is just marvellous. Think of Fleetwood Mac with a touch of the Corrs (and they seem to cover a few Fleetwood Mac songs in their gigs) and you get the idea. One of the female singers looks remarkably like from Hollyoaks (remember her.?) but it doesn’t take anything away I promise.! Hehe.

So I shall leave you now with them playing Fine Line… it is bloody great.!

(ps… if anyone can remember which comedy programme the line forming my title for today is from then pleeeease tell me. It is driving me up the fucking wall.!)

Did anyone hear Monday’s edition of the Jeremy Vine show over on Radio Two.? There was a rather lively debate about the new idea that our beloved Government has come up with. They want to ban smoking outside doorways of offices, pubs et al. Oh lucky us smokers. What a marvellous treat for all those self righteous non-smokers who have the whole run of every public building in the bloody country and then moan about the two seconds that it takes them to walk past a smoker stood OUTSIDE.

I like smoking. I know it isn’t good for me, smells bad sometimes and is anti-social but I enjoy it. I PAY FOR THE CHOICE of puffing on a cigarette and I have not been allowed to sit inside a building blazing one up for three years almost. I have to go and stand outside with my friends who also smoke, in rain, snow, wind, heat and hail. If I wish to find shelter it is usually right next to the door I have just exited out of and you will inevitably pass by me as you leave your smoke free pub that smells of sweat and toilets now. Maybe if you had relented and allowed a smoking area, sealed off, with a fan fitted, that would allow me to smoke inside (which many pubs offered to do but were turned down) then I wouldn’t be stood hundled like a homeless guy, shivering like a burns victim in a doorway full of similarly fettered people. If you moan when you walk past then I shall give you abuse and maybe even chase you down the street throwing dog ends at you.

Actually if you get the chance to hit the listen again page at the Radio Two website, have a listen. The arguement between the sanctimonious little fucker who didn’t even go in pubs and the woman who argues with him is just brilliant. Mr Vine struggled there I think.

Day off today for moi so it appears (well if it isn’t then I am going to be right in the shit for not turning up for work this morning). So far today I have read all my back blogs about Chris Moyles as the b3ta.com question of the week is about annoying celebrities, seems I am not the only person who finds the gert twat a pain in the ear. At least Whiley has been moved off to pastures new now although at the expense of having bloody Edith Bowman taking over her show. Thank goodness for Evans, Bruce, Vine, Wright and Mayo. Radio One seems to be pumping out shit DJs, shit music and there will never be an end in sight.

It seems the year is moving ever faster… it is already one twelth gone.! In five months time it will be time to put the toys back in and get rid of the garden furniture again. Scary thought that. On the plus side it means the F1 and BTCC seasons are getting nearer and nearer. The F1 season is one I am thoroughly looking forward to what with Schumacher’s return, new teams, bigger grid, all Champion BRITISH line up at McLaren. *Rubs hands together with glee*. Sauber and Mercedes do appear to have designed horrible looking cars though. The Williams looks quite respectable, let us hope they pull something wicked out the bag and get their first win since 2004.

Anyway, Jeremy Kyle is on and I have Northern slags to shout at and abuse via the medium of television, so I shall see you all later.

Well Lidl becomes the next victim of the “things that are flammable in Weston”. I wonder if it improved the flavour of their chocolate though.

I was thinking the other day…. it is the first month of a series of twelve (available soon on DVD and Blueray). I wonder what will happen between now and the 31st of December. So I have made a few predictions. Read on you foul minded beasties, you.

January…
Snow causes poncy 4X4 driving mothers to explode as they fail to get the three hundred yards to school. House prices take a nose dive when people find out most of them have been built by Australians. Simon Cowell launches fart factor with Mr Methane and One Fat Lady judging it.

February…
The compensation payout to Thalidomide victims is over paid and recalled but they can’t reach their wallets to give any back. Germany announces army expansion – France surrenders just in case and the Poles start building a campsite. The BBC launches Prancing on Ice where homosexual ZZZ list celebrities mince around on a frozen duck pond somewhere in Herefordshire.

March…
A sudden heat wave melts Jordan as she marries new squeeze Alex reid in Italy. Peter Andre is arrested moments later knocking one out in the bushes whilst singing “Mysterious Girl”. Simon Cowell launches Mex Factor – Sombrero sales treble overnight.

April…
Lewis Hamilton takes early lead in the F1 Championship. Officials fine him £2million and ban him for three races for having a dirty mark on his race suit. Schumacher and the two Ferrari drivers go to the top of the table. Daily Mail launches an inquiry to find out if Princess Diana was actually two illegal immigrant midgets paid off by Prince Phillip in fancy dress. The French dismiss Paris as capital and go with Berlin ‘to save time later’.

May…
The Queen abdicates and Prince William takes over as Monarch. Three people later arrested for treason for waving a huge banner that says “Show us you’re King Willie” on his Coronation route. Vanessa Feltz explodes drowning Essex in blubber. Simon Cowell bashes out another one… “Rex Factor” as people vie to be the next Marc Bolan.

June…
Lewis Hamilton claws his way to the top again. Ferrari complain to FIA, as does Schumacher. Lewis is hit with new ruling meaning he has to drive with the cockpit full of All-Bran. Apple shows off the new iToilet. Millions of people buy one and THEN realise it is full of shit. Channel four launches Big Brother replacement “Animal Farm” featuring Davina McCall, Dermot O’Leary and a goat. No one can tell who is who.

July…
Temperatures soar as golobal warming REALLY kicks in. Kerry Katona catches alight and fire fighters tackle blaze for 14 hours before she finally goes out. Virgin Islands are swamped by a tidal wave. Thousands of Nuts and Zoo readers prepare to buy boats to row out and help before someone tells them. Simon Cowell releases ‘Susan Boyle Idol’ to find more people who can sing like angels but who look like genetic mutations of Bernard Manning.

August…
Hobbits reopens as a rock club after a mystery man gets the cash out. Huge trousers sales double. Amy Winehouse mixes so many chemicals she turns purple. Ribena offers her a sponsorship deal, cancelling the ill advised one they already have with Shane McGowan for Ribena Toothkind.

September…
Cadburys try to promote their new “Chimp Choc” bars with an actual chimp. Sadly, instead of bashing out “In The Air Tonight” he gets loose, shits on the drums, wanks into the cameraman’s hair and rips the face off the producer. They run the ad anyway to critical acclaim. Manuel actor Andrew Sachs shags Johnathon Ross’s daughter and Katie Perry in revenge.

October…
Jeremy Kyle stabs his entire weeks guest list during show for “Young slags with hundreds of different fathered kids”. Six housing estates are left like ghost towns. Peter Stringfellow hospitalised aftre continuous thirty six hour shag marathon with seven lap dances. Medics described his condition as very comfortable.

November…
Kerry Katona catches alight again at a family bonfire. The firs brigade leave her to burn herslef out. East England smells of rendering fat for weeks afterwards. Russia suffers nuclear meltdown. President Putin denies reality despite having got taller by three feet and growing an extra arm. Lewis Hamilton wins F1 championship despite being made to drive in just his pants.

December…
Simon Cowell found dead, suffocated by his own trousers. Christmas number one is boosted by Facebook campaign once more.  People manage to get Slade to number one. Noddy Holder promises to moon on Top of the Pops. Global warming reverses itself and causes heavy snow falls in Italy. The Italians surrender, as do the French, just to be on the safe side. The Swiss push little flippy knife production through the roof. Fluffy Bunny wins the lottery and hosts the biggest New Year bash since Tiger Woods accidentally invited his little black book full of women over for a coffee morning. Free bar and all the pork pies you can eat.

I wonder if any of that will come true.!?! I hope so. Hehehe.

I just remembered. I noticed I had a comment on an old post “Pulling The Strings Of Your Starter” back from 17/05/2007 but the comment only appeared recently and took the form of a question…

“…please where can I buy a unicorn? ”

Errr… out of all the websites in the world you think MY site is going to be the best place to look Mr BeriadekFealtteW.? I don’t even appear to sell anything on this site o’mine so I am a little bemused you assumed I did. IF you want to buy a mono spiked horse like beastie then I suggest unicornsRus.com, wesellanyuni.co.uk and fakeunicornsmadefromhorseswithcornettosstuckontheirfaces.net. Easy.

So the snow has been and is now almost gone. Why does it keep appearing on a Wednesday when I am on early shift and have to get to work at 7am. Wasn’t so bad last week as the 17.5 tonne lorries were unable to drive across a bed of two inches of snow and so didn’t arrive but this week was a pain in the arse as slushy snow and 200kg cages don’t tend to go together. Bastards.

I am assuming you have all checked out my poor, scrawny, half naked body on the old Book of Face (which I was surprised at myself for going through with because it was FUCKING COLD). If you haven’t seen it then just ask and I will plonk it on here.

Model railway news now. The chip shop is almost finished. The next thing on my list is a small terrace of shops which I am going to be attempting to scratchbuild in plasticard. I made a mock up in thick card earlier and it wasn’t too bad at all. We shall see where I end up in a couple of weeks time.

Do you recall the moment in music that they called Garage.? My eyes caught sight of 21 Seconds To Go from the So Solid Crew earlier and it reminded me of those terrible days back in 2001 of songs such as that, Pied Piper, et al. But it wasn’t all that bad was it.? Architects – Body Groove, Mystique and their friends all created a unique insight into a musical world that wasn’t quite house and failed to be trance. I suppose it was the best we could achieve at a time when rock and metal were making a come back via Limp Bizkit and nu-metal buddies. Always was a bit sad that there was never a music scene called Shed.!

I see Messers W Bush and Clinton are going to be helping clean up after the Haiti earthquake. How exactly.? I suppose we could give them a dustpan and brush each. More likely Bush is going to be walking the battered streets dressed as Yosemite Sam shooting rats and gay dogs whilst Clinton attempts to bone any mentally damaged victims with tobacco based products.

Discuss.

I must have a good rant on here sometime soon but I am a little bereft of any ideas (apart from the Government but that goes without saying). Any suggestions on what annoys me (especially those of you who I work with and hear me going on about something now and then which I forget the second I get out the front door). I must be a little less of an angry person as I don’t get these rants out as much any more. Shame that.

Sorry this is a little bit of a bullet point blog but I am copying an old friend who used to jot his thoughts to me as a letter (yes in the days before email) and didn’t have a form to the writings he provided (Ello Doc by the way).

I see the Government has had to say sorry for the Thalidomide arse up back in the 50s. Ok I can see why people who have suffered would like some sort of compensation, that is only natural and it wouldn’t cost the state an arm and a leg to pay it out, I just think there is something horribly unsincere, nay pointless, about having to apologise for an action that occured half a century ago and wasn’t anything to do with anyone. IT all goes back to the slavery thing and Tony Blair saying sorry for shipping Africans home to do the washing up. It wasn’t his fault, or his administration’s, him saying sorry was a bit like Caeser’s descendants saying “Sorry we invaded your country” to most of Western Europe. Grrr. Why does that annoy me so much.?!

Anyway, tis time for a cuppa… back soon England.!

Hello, good evening and welcome to the Stitching Bastards review of the year for 2009. It has certainly been a year of surprises, Brawn GP winning the F1 world championship, Michael Jackson passing away, Hobbits closing it’s doors for the final time and Freightliner ordering the ugliest locomotive fleet ever in the Class 70s.

Let us talk about the high points perhaps, yes us people in the UK had our second F1 champ in two years as Jensen Button followed The Ham to the top spot in a car that made everyone in F1 do a double take and then add a double diffuser to the arse end of their vehicles. I put my foot so far down my neck it was almost impossible to remove when I panned Jensen as “not one of the greats” in the build up to Australia. Talk about eating my words. But very fair play to the guy and also to Mr Hamilton who drove a car that was shit to a couple of wins and a few podiums (having qualified about 16th in the first race), he also scored most points in the second half of the year, more even than Jensen.!

Rage Against the Machine beating Ugly Kid Joe Mcdonalds Worker to number one also made my year.!

And talking of music, my hit of the year, always a great moment in music history, such as Dare (Gorrilaz) and Umbrella (Rihanna)… and this year I am so happy to award it to the best comedy moment I have heard in a long time with a fantastically graphic video and a dead catchy melody… yes, Lonely Island and their “Jizz in my Pants” have whipped themselves into a frenzy and are firmly filling my slot for song of the year. Marvellous.!

There have been a few low points but why should we bother with those as we enter 2010.!?!

and so I will leave you with a defining moment of 2009, Colin Turkington driving his BMW in the BTCC to his first ever championship. Well done Colin.!

and a happy new year to you all.!!!

Follow me on the Stitching Bastards official twitter feed (yes I relented as I am getting a lovely new mobile soon and want to exploit the opportunities to make stupid comments and intrude into your lives as much as I can… my tweet is @stitchinbastard so go add me and wait for the supposed hilarity to begin.! (bear with me if it starts off a bit slow).