Good day fair folk of the interwebiness. Tis a brand new year, and one to celebrate. Well it might be one to celebrate but until it is over then how will we know.? Instead of not celebrating why don’t we just celebrate all year and if it’s crap then at least we have been too pissed up to notice. This blog is brought to you by Celebrations. Apparently.
I have shied away from my usual New Year blog as I did a quick one for the Queen on Christmas day and there I shall leave 2010 I think. So what about this blog now… this one you are reading, literally dripping with anticipation for what I have to go on about.? Well in the interests of saving the environment and not wasting the world’s power reserves on more typing time I have borrowed a little piece from a certain website I often potter around on, but added a few more bits in for you lovely reader type people. The subject was “What is the worst band ever.” I think you can all smell the ranting coming from a mile off like a large fly getting a whiff of fresh dog’s egg down an alleyway.
“I can see the goodness in any genre, hip-hop, opera, dance, britpop, happy hardcore, thrash metal, a man with a set of spoons farting a heavenly chorus… it is all good. But. Oh but…
Music has taken a turn for the awful since about 2002 (or whenever Snowpatrol turned up). R and B used to be rhythm and blues, not repetitive and boring. Hearing decent eighties songs getting ground through Bob Sinclar’s casio keyboard or mangled by Cascada and those thighs has turned dance music away from it’s disco-y roots and into the mainstream of shite. Folk like Ellie Goulding and Eliza Doolittle have appeared as if out of nowhere and taken a big steaming dump on the world. It’s like the whole of aural sensation has started taking itself too seriously. Think back to the Darkness, now THERE was a band who enjoyed a laugh, played good music and made you smile to hear their music.
Rihanna appears FOUR times on last week’s top 40. FOUR. Years ago it was only the Gods of music like Lennon or Frankie Goes to Hollywood who managed things like that, now it is some big foreheaded, tone deaf bint with a voice that makes me want to push umbrellas(ellas – ellas) up her nose. Eminem has turned into a drunken piss, he was good at the start, a bit weak in the middle and is no dribbling to a disappointing finish. Owl City, OWL FUCKING CITY.! How in hell did they achieve a number one.? They should be forced to listen to that bag of crap repeatedly whilst being sanded by Damon Albarn and repeatedly kicked by the ghost of Jimmy Hendrix for daring to describe themselves as a band.
It is true though. Sadly the influence of people like Cowell and Walsh have dragged the whole world of music to the level of a penny chew. It no longer matters if you have talent either, auto tune helps out there.
It isn’t all bad. Every now and then a little chink of niceness appears but maybe it is my age, maybe it is the fact that evreytime I turn on a TV programme some bitch with a high pitched voice starts singing from an advert at me about treetops and eating picnics on a motorway because your car has broken down but it’s ok as the world is better with yoooooooou. No love, it is better WITHOUT YOU. As in poke it. You lot make me want to go and kidnap Keane, shave them, superglue them to the rotting corpse of Keisa (I am not using stupid bloody dollar signs in names) and drag them along behind a truck spreading grit.
Burn them all. BURN THEM NOOOOOW.”
So shall we say for 2011 that we try a clean start… I shall rant the same amount about stuff that doesn’t matter and you lot keep sending the poisonous/explosive/acidic cookies to the heads of large corporate machines who make this land into the kind of joke which is no longer funny.? It is 10 years since 9/11, maybe this year someone can fly a plane into Simon Cowell’s face.