Are we all enjoying the irony of miners in the news and Mrs Thatcher hitting 85 years old.? No.? Well I am. The unions fucked themselves royally up the arse and ended up costing the British Coal industry dear. Throughout the 1970s and early 80s the unions ran riot over the country and strike followed strike, power cuts, rubbish left uncollected, people even died.!!! She sorted them and pushed a mango up the backside of Argentina to boot. Happy birthday Missus.

I actually popped on to air a view. *frrrrp* There we go. *wafts*. Sorry, no, I mean I want to have a rant…

If the Halifax put one more of their fucking adverts on air I am going to have to kill them. All of them. Top of company to bottom, all murdered by me with a large bucket of sodium bicarb, an enema delivery system and a massive bottle of vinegar. If I hear ISA ISA BABY one more time from those two smug looking cunts pretending to be running a radio station (wow, talk about imitation, it’s almost the Chris Moyles show!) then we shall have to open a concentration camp for Bank workers and put them all in it.

Why are adverts getting so annoying. Go Compare is another prime example. It is very catchy, like HIV, but I would never want to adopt anything the advert advertises.! If as a company you decide to piss me off by producing an ad with stupid music (like webuyanycunt.com/for a pittance and only if it’s a nice car and we never stop emailing you as we don’t know how to stop sending out our shit spam like mail)  which makes me want to bite through a wooden spoon like a musket bullet riddled soldier or if your business is using chips made my Intel and you feel the desire to add their awful signature noise at the end then stay away from me and my family.

Intel annoy me so much with that advert that I advise people buying a computer to avoid Intel totally THAT is how much it winds me up. Actually that isn’t far removed from talking people out of buying copies of Norton anti-virus after the havoc their awful piece of software caused a relative.

An advert should be fun. It should be catchy. It should interest you in what is being put forward, be it new and exciting or old and familiar. I don’t sit in my lounge watching an advert for Boots and enjoy it because they use that bloody song “Here come the girls” by what used to be the Sugababes but is now three slags who get arrested sometimes (and probably steal things anyway as one is a Scouser), I sit there thinking “I am going to avoid going into there and giving them my business as they are obviously incapable of producing an advert that doesn’t make me want to go and maim small children”. If they put the same ad up and used a good song (Overload maybe) it might make less sense but I would be more inclined to pop in more often.

The current crop of ads using 1980s music works for instance. Coco Pops using Dead or Alive ‘You Spin Me Right Round’ is brilliant and much better than that fucking monkey. Cadbury’s and that gorilla, brilliant. Oatsosimple and Camberwick Green, one of the best adverts in the history of TV. See some get it right, some rim themselves into a corner, I just wished the good ones prevailed.

I’m done now. Oh and isn’t the new Gordon Ramsay series, UK’s Best Restaurant, rather fun.

Dear Royal Mail.

As much as I appreciate your service, getting letters from one place to another day in day out, early in the morning (11am is still morning right?) every day of the year (except weekends, bank holidays and any day when you lot are on strike), I do think you need to start using one of those little jars of common sense you see in fictitious shops next to the huge boxes of Simon Cowell Ego Repellent. I was waiting for a parcel on Wednesday which you somehow manage to deliver in the 30 minute gap when I was out. Unknown to me, my dear bro had grabbed the “we called and missed you” slip along with one of his own which he wanted to also collect at the same time from the sorting office.

Imagine his surprise when he handed over both slips at the sorting office to be told “Sorry you cannot take this one, unless you have the ID of the person on the label”. Errr why.? We share a surname, we have exactly the same address, it is almost like we are related you know.! If you rang my doorbell the door would be answered by ONE person who your postman would give the parcel to, he would not ask for ID, he would not insist he could only give the parcel to the person named on the label, he would quite rightly assume as he was at the house marked on the address that both people lived there.

Could you please offer some explanation for this frankly stupid system you operate and also explain how I can claim the petrol money back for a wasted journey which you caused.

Yours With Deepest Confusion

Fluffy Bunny.

(I’ll let you know what happens).