You know when you get something stuck in your head and it’s impossible to shake off, like a bit of catchy music, the wording of a popular TV ad slogan or the first thing you need to say to the people your priests have done up the arse, well I have a thing caught that can only be resolved by experimenting.

It comes courtesy of Chili and a couple of friends…

Soup Sandwiches, are they feasible.? This has been in my head for days now and I see no chance of it going away unless I get the bread out and give it a test. There appears to be three main ways to complete this near impossible task:

1, The use of a hollowed out roll, bap or baguette but that seems like cheating as it is certainly not a sandwich in the traditional sense.
2, Sandwich toasted sarnie with the soup poured in the unsealed end and then recooked on the unsealed edge.
3, Using thick butter as a sealant and as a resistant substance to prevent leakage through the slices of bread.

Now would this all be easier using a thicker type of soup, perhaps cooked within the toasted sandwich, such as mushroom or oxtail or would it be best to use a powder soup, Cup-a-soup for instance, with less water added to be more of a paste than a soup. Interesting I think.

Now let us consider our three options in more detail.

1, A roll is a good idea, you can hollow it out, pour in the soup and eat BUT you will have to eat it on one side to prevent the soup pouring out the entrance hole you made in the first place, plus, it certainly is not a proper sarnie. Baps might be too soft and porous but a tiger roll or a hard french stick would work.

2, The toasted option would make sense, there is no need to put the soup in to begin, use one of the classic Breville style scalloping toasters and it would seal the edges perfectly, put a piece of metal or plastic to prevent one side sealing and add the soup as soon as the other sides are sorted., using thicker soup to prevent run out or slamming the lid down FAST.

3, Can you slap on some thick but more importantly COLD butter to prevent the soup splattering itself across the kitchen when you eventually pick the sarnie up.

This needs researching people.!!! Help me out here.!

On a totally different note, aren’t Status Quo fucking brilliant. All those songs, all those years, yes they sound the same if you listen to them too much but who cares.? It is really great ‘make you smile and sing’ music that never gets old. Let us have a big cheer for the Quo.! Hurrah.!!!

Thirdly on my list of things to get off my chest, Justin Lee-Collins, the new target of my lustful hate. Moyles, Blaine, Blair, Brown, Blunt (hang on what is it with me and people who have B as their last initial (last initial is that the right wording to use.?)), Goody, McCall actually if I list all the people in the world I detest then I will be here all night but suffice to say Mr J Lee-Collins of Fuckknowswhere, New Hertfordshire has joined it thanks to that bloody Barclays advert with the money birds. Piss off you beardy twonk and stop annoying me. I have never been too happy with your general appearance or voice… or sense of humour, you are around as funny as a bus driving through a queue of pensioners (actually, hehehehe). So please go away, or at least stop doing crap adverts for shitty credit card companies and banks.

Errr what’s next…? Oh yes, How close can it be in the last few F1 races now.!?! Very bad luck to the Ham, made a stupid error in Monza and then had that racing incident in Singapore, but then again Webber has had problems, Vettel has crashed out, Button has blown up, Alonso has been a big cheating twat in Germany and should fuck off, so it’s all to play for. Let’s just hope Korea goes on as planned though.!!

Think that will do me for now, enjoy your rather moist day and see you all in the bar for a drink after…

supersmashinglovely-here’swhatyoucouldhavewon.

*****LATE NEWS*****

 I forgot to say, I bought a copy of Rail mag yesterday for the first time in about 5 years and it made me so miserable. The lack of locos, the horrible new DMUs such as the 185s and the total mess that Network Rail is making of the country was terrible. I will stick to my good old copies from 1990 etc, where the stock list changes took up three pages, the 2EPBs were still in use and the Class 50s still blatted up and down the line near me.

G’day spunks. How is life in Ramsey Street treating you.? Has Helen Daniels been licking you up the legs or have you been shat on by Joe Mangle from a great height.? Maybe chasing Annalise and Lauren around the pool starkers whilst Beth cheers you on would help.? No.? Well just me then.

Anywho I am here for a specific reason. Chr….. go on, guess the rest of that name. It’s easy I promise, although you haven’t heard much about him from me of late… Chr…Chrrrriiisss. Mooooyyyleessss, that’s it, a big word for a big arrogant cunt.

So why has he appeared once more on my bloggy radar I hear you ask yourself.?

He hasn’t been paid for two months. TWO. TWWWOOOO WHOLE MONTHS. Fucking hell.! Quick let’s hold a whip round and make sure he has enough fat soaked snacks to keep his twatishness level up. As someone pointed out, perhaps he is now being paid per joke which means he may not see any more cash before Easter 2032.

I can understand the annoyance at not being paid if he was on an 8 to 6 job at minimum wage with a massive debt and a couple of sprogs to account for but he isn’t. The big ugly cock is paid well over half a million a year and I can’t see that he would spend all of it, not leaving a single penny for moments such as this. What if he had lost his job or been severely injured in an accident involving a chainsaw, a large tube of KY and his anus.?

The fact he had the sheer audacity to have a go at someone who sent in a text saying “Stop moaning, you get paid a fortune compared to most people” shows just how far out of touch with reality some people are. Ok you will still get your money but it has been a little delayed so shut up, get on with the four hours ‘work’ a day that you do and stop whinging. As one of the many over paid celebrities in the world who clearly don’t deserve their massive salaries perhaps you would care to donate your missing back pay to charity to show that you want to spread the wealth a bit.

Or do you have to buy another wheelbarrow full of shit stuffed pies to push into ‘Comedy’ Dave’s ringpiece or down Aled’s japs eye.

On another note the ONE foundation run on behalf of Bono, him with the dark specs, has been found to have given only £18,000 to charities despite being given £9.6 MILLION in gifts last year. Somehow it has a wage bill of £5.1 million as well. What in hell is going on there.??? This is another reason why I don’t give to charity (apart from my GAYE one and the man with the poppies), the money rarely gets there, syphoned off by “admin” costs and similar. Remember how much everyone gave for the Tsunami appeal..? Well out of those millions raised only a small fraction (I have found figures ranging from 20 to 50 percent) was ever handed over… so where did the rest go.? In some fat cunt’s back pocket so he can get another ladyboy to give him a Boston Pancake in a Thai bar.

Well enough of that kind of ranting and on with the rest of my holiday time. Hurrah.!

It is still early on a Sunday morning. Chili has wandered off to work, the TV is on, the weather is misty and cool.

And already I am incensed.

The catholic church is struggling to work out why the public in the UK is getting rather pissy over having to pay for his Nazi Holinesses visit later this year. Struggling.? Now why is that.? Let us delve a little deeper…

The Arch Bishop of the Catholic Church, a Mr Vincent Nichols, has appeared on TV to tell Andrew Marr that it would be a sad day when this country couldn’t afford a state visit. He seems to be under the delusion that we want the pope here. I am a christian to a certain extent, but not a catholic (I can’t afford the legal fees if I got caught fucking choir boys for a start) and it doesn’t bother me whether this random person wanders around the streets of Birmingham or if he spends his time sitting in the Kidderminster branch of Wimpy…

*******NEWS FLASH*******

we interrupt this blog to bring you this question… what the fuck is going on with Come Dine with Me.?? It’s suddenly full of sixty year old men dressed as women and people who appear to have failed the Big Brother auditions. Ok it is set in Brighton so it is understandable but it doesn’t half put you off your chicken bovril.!

*******End of Flash (ooooh err)*******

sorry where was I… oh yes, does it fucking matter if he comes or not.? A survey commissioned by the Theos think tank found almost 80% of people think he shouldn’t bother coming and a very similar amount thought we shouldn’t be paying for him in the first place. Has the Catholic church gone bust or something or was the money just resting in his account one wonders.

And the total cost of his visit to kiss the tarmac at East Midlands airport (probably) and wear a dress around the Midlands… Twelve. Million. Quid. Yes the same amount Chris Evans recently paid for a Ferrari GTO, the same amount Tiger Woods got for his Gillette deal, the very same amount the Vicky Beckham got for stripping her clothes off for Armani (was it worth it… really.? She kept her undies on and it isn’t like she looks pretty or owt).

I don’t want my tax pounds being spent on Pope German the 53rd in the same way that if the head of the Muslim church or the Jewish church turned up I wouldn’t buy their hotel room either. Maybe if it was someone a bit higher up, you know, like God, then I would personally go out and get a red carpet and put up some hanging baskets. I might even buy him a fry up if he was hungry (or find him some gay men to stone if it was Allah *insert drawing here*).

I suppose it’s a good thing he is German though. If it was the previous Polish one he would have been here already, driving for First Group and writing his 4’s like 7’s just to really piss me off.

On another even more amusing note, Tony Blair had eggs and shoes thrown at him in Dublin and was almost placed under citizens arrest for war crimes. Sadly his huge (private) police force (but paid for by the public) took them all away. We don’t want to pay for that grinning twat either. Or his fugly wife. Or any of his kids either.

In other news, HSBC is threatening to run away and hide if it is split into bits to prevent the kinds of fuck up that has affected RBS et al. In an interview their CEO said “waaah waaah I’m going to tell on you, you’re mean. I am gonna go hide in India and take all my toys with me you big bully”. Probably. Look your call centres are useless anyway mate, having them in Indian won’t make a jot of difference. I just hope that when you fly out there to inspect your new call centre, stuffed to the gills of moustachioed women talking English with an Urdu overlap that the plane crashes into the Pope’s plane and you both land in a flaming ball on top of Tony Blair and his van full of books.

I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore. What is the point.!? Simon Cowell has ruined anything prime time, soaps seem to be so repetitive and pointless that it would be hard to tell which one you are watching save for the accents (Eastenders – cockney, Coronation Street – northern, Hollyoaks – spastic) and quiz shows have all followed the same over dramatic ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ bollocks that makes me want to grab Chris Tarrent by the testicles and squeeze until his Tis Wasses. What of the other programmes.? Well The Bill I used to enjoy until it stopped being about coppers in London and started being about coppers who were ethnic/gay/serial killers/bent in a criminal sense/shag everyone in the station before setting fire to it. Casualty used to be fun too but suffered in exactly the same way, more so since they stopped it being Bristolian (watch episode one on Youtube and you will see what I mean). I suppose it is a bloody good job that London’s Burning finished a while back as I seem to remember it heading the same way.

What else is there.? Well comedy is populated by the bloody yanks or Horne and Corden who are about as funny as getting a needle full of AIDS in your eye whilst having a moose bum you. The rash of panel shows such as 9 out of 10 cats and Argumental are ok but are rather obviously scripted which makes them far less amusing. Ok I guess I could watch the discovery channel areas which do have some good stuff on as long as Hitler, Ray Mears or wondering how a teapot is made is your cup of tea (two out of three for me there). Other than that lot I have JML, QVC or the glut of channels that offer things in Welsh/Africaans/Swahili or German that scare the hell out of me. I do miss those old Saturday nights where Noel’s Saturday Roadshow preceded All Creatures Great And Small and Casualty fitted in a little later on, throw in Russ Abbot and Paul Daniels at some point and everyone is happy. Maybe they should let me loose onto the TV. I would sort them out and get some decent stuff showing again, nothing with Ant and fucking Dec, nothing with Simon Cunting Cowell and definately NOTHING WHATSOEVER with Davina McCall. I can just imagine where this TV mediocrity is going to end up…

TV Picks for Saturday 17th September 2016

18.00 – ITV1: An Audience with Jade Goody – Newly rebuilt as a cyborg the partially rotten remains of Miss Goody presents a programme of fun, racism and gobshitery whilst dripping corpse juice over Sir Michael Grade’s carpet.

19.00 – BBC1: PingPongPang – Ant and Dec present an entirely new quiz show based around the game of table tennis with a chinese guy. Fabulous prizes and a lifetime supply of prawn crackers to be won.

19.30 – ITV6.5: Jam Two Fingers In This – The fat one from Trigger Happy TV fucks off around Britain dressed as an electrical socket inviting the unsuspecting public to invade his japs eye and anus.

20.00 – BBC1: News and Weather – Read by Katie Price with Harvey bumping into things in the background and Kerry Katona snorting all the clouds off the weather map.

20.15 – BBC1: National Lottery Live – Eamonn Holmes introduces the show where those of you with a medical condition could win a hospital bed or a lie-in on a trolley in a drafty corridor by the burns unit.

20.30 – Fred: Top Gear – Clarkson/Hammond/May present the 46th series of the show. Jeremy drives around Crewe shooting pensioners from the back of a Land Rover, Hammond crashes a jet propelled caravan into a bus queue and Captain Slow defecates in the back seat of a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow. Repeated hourly until the end of eternity.

21.30 – ITV1: Simon Cowell On Gangs – Misquoted title leads up to the revised heading Gangs On Simon Cowell. Brixton teenagers dressed as dancers repeatedly dive off the stage in front of a live studio audience to push long knives into the smug faced twats neck. Amanda Holden gets ripped apart by a pack of blood hungry pit bulls and Piers Morgan gets a Burnley Wallet.

23.00 – Channel 4: On Guard Against the Retard – Dermot O’Leary presents the Seventeenth attempt at replacing Big Brother as 12 special needs children are wired up to electrodes and let loose in various Supermarkets armed with sarin gas grenades and sawn off shot guns. Simultaneously on Channel 4Toss Davina McCall hosts the same show but replaces the word brilliant with fantastic and occasionally humps the camera lens.

01.00: Every fucking channel possible – Terry Wogan’s Wig Striptease for Children in Need/Comic Relief/ITV Telethon/Some other waste of money and time.

03.00: The world ends.

Honestly… this is exactly what will happen.! I am thinking of starting a cult against bad TV. We could worship Bob Holness, him off Blockbusters and run around wearing little loin cloths and such. Just paypal me all your money and I will rent a flat, then a farm when we get more members. We could sell the rights to the bit where the FBI and ATF turn up with tanks and shoot us all. Join up now and recieve a realistic fake photo of Timmy Mallett and Magic signed by the Krankies.

Suppose it must be time for a new blog then… as it is over a month since the last one. Bloody hell.!

Well since then I have gained another year of age, but let us face it, I am still a lady killer. Nothing to do with my looks or charm, just this big knife and blood covered hessian sack.

My birthday was rather fun. Picture, if you will (if you won’t then that is totally up to you but it will make this next bit seem rather boring) myself, Chili, Pouty, Hwang, Mikey and Harrz and their friend (who’s name totally escapes me due to a certain Fluffy Bunny ending up a complete and drunken bastard by 2am) and the regulars of the White Lion and Decades. Now add in stupidly drunk me and lots of dancing to Britpop (just me, alone on the dancefloor to Pulp’s Do You Remember The First Time) and then throwing up having got hiccups. Was a very good night.!

Now then. Or is it then now. Either way, now what has been happening in the world. Oh yes, rather fine Grand Prix trickery involving a Mr Ham and Belgium. Brilliant drive in the moist conditions and also a rare race where I shouted and, for the first time ever I think, swore at the TV (when Vettel managed to wreck the radiator of Button’s McLaren and I responded with the word TWAT said waaaay too loudly). Next weekend is Monza, fuck knows who will win there.!

The world hasn’t changed too much in the past month unless you live in Pakistan where you are probably reading this up to your armpits in cold water and throwing things at your cricket team, might stop you phoning me up when I am in the bath to try and sell me something though. Bastards.

As the current B3ta question of the week is about complaints I was wondering how many times complaining has got me anywhere. First Great Western have had a lot of my complaints to absolutely fuck all resolution (suggesting using a loco hauled set to improve their service levels which ironically were refused by FGW on cost grounds and then started up successfully by Arriva and then passed onto DBS who now run 67s and a mk2 set from Cardiff to Taunton etc, nice one boys). The meatballs thing did get me free meatballs so that was good and a few years ago I got free train travel from Virgin, let me explain…

I had been to York with Pika so she could check out the university there. I fucked off to the National Railway Museum (well I have never been there since or before so it made sense) and we both met back earlier than expected and using our £60 walk on fare tickets we got an earlier return train as it was running a little late. The HST was failed at Sheffield and we were shoved onto the following HST (which was the one we were going to catch anyway). We got home around the same time we expected to anyway having witnessed an old man using a mobile phone like a walkie talkie much to my hysterical amusement and the guard offered round the complaint forms.

Mine came back a week later with a credit note for half my original fare.! I spent it on another trip to Portsmouth uni hunting and a shopping trip to Taunton (oh and whilst in Portsmouth I managed to empty the fruit machine on the platform of £40 and that paid for food, drinks and shopping too. Brilliant). So all in all a worthwhile complaint, although I am totally glad it was in the pre-Voyager era because that would have been fucking awful.!

Bruce Springsteen is currently dancing in the dark in the back ground so I suppose I should dance in to the light (now who sang that.??) Night all.!