DS Beech from The Bill. I know you may have fallen on hard times what with you no longer being in The Bill or whatever else you have appeared in, but do you really have to lower yourself to selling iffy “you blame and claim” lawyer firms on the television. I noted earlier that your most recent work contains you opening with the phrase “we are injury lawyers for you”. As you are advertising a low budget firm who happen to be called “injury lawyers 4 U” and the website address is just that, surely the words in your script are pointless.

I am fully aware that you are not Cary Grant, Kenneth Williams or indeed a really top class actor, but do you not have some pride.? Do you not have some kind of social conscience that would prevent you selling your artistic soul to produce adverts of this shitty calibre. It is bad enough that Stephen Fry and Paul Merton are both hosting the Direct Line ads (two comedians I greatly admire) or that every other person who has ever spent ten minutes in front of a camera has done a part advert for Tesco.!

So just stop it ok.? Or I shall come round and put pepper in your pants.

Pray hello my dear folks. I just HAD to get that little rant out before I started things off properly, these things do build up in me so. This is a slightly odd blog as I have written different bits over the past few days and now I am just putting it all together. Call it a blog-jigsaw and throw me a big bowl of Brian Cant.!

There are just TWENTY THREE days to the first Grand Prix of the year. TWENTY BLOODY THREE and you know what is the most exciting part of it all for me…? It isn’t Michael Schumacher and his return in the Mercedes. It isn’t Mercedes running a works team for the first time since the early days. It isn’t the idea of 26 cars on the grid (or maybe even 28). And bizarrely it isn’t the fully English line up at McLaren with two world champions…

It’s the return of one of the greatest names in Formula One history. A team that won the constructor’s championship SEVEN times. Led by the genius, if a little bloody minded, Colin Chapman and with cars driven by such F1 heroes as Clark, Hill, Moss, Mansell, Piquet, Senna, Fittipaldi, Ireland, Amon, Peterson and even Mika Hakkinen in his early days. Lotus are BACK and even more importantly, powered by a Cosworth engine. Sadly it won’t be the incredible DFV which powered pretty much every car in F1 during the seventies and eighties (and which would no longer fit the formula anyway).

Just looking at their new car takes me back to the late eighties and Senna driving the bright yellow Camel sponsored machine to victory at Monaco (the penultimate  Lotus win, their last being Senna again at the next race in the USA).  Chapman was brilliant as a designer and also had some new idea to drag out of the pot. He was the one who brought in side skirts and ground effects. He invented a car with TWO chassis, one inside the other, to allow the car to run closer to the ground (which got it disqualified very quickly) and it was also Lotus that introduced tobacco sponsorship back in the 1960s with the Gold Leaf sponsored Lotus 25 (or was it the 49).

Either way, I am getting closer and closer to the edge of my seat waiting for that first race to be sent off on it’s parade lap. I just hope it ends up as exciting as 2008 did, although I am not sure my nerves could take that again.!

And finally… there should be a warning label on all boxes of chocolates that reads “Caution, may cause your friends and family to try and steal all the soft centres from under your nose”. Still… very nice though, thanks Chili.

Bye all.!

Alright there everybody.? Week six of 2010 treating you in a nice way I trust.? Good good. My legs are aching so a cold or my usual dust allergy appears to be on the way. Oh lucky me. Oh well, this week, next week, then two weeks off so that is just eight working days and I am offski.

I saw a few sights whilst people watching this afternoon (in between counting obviously). The first was a blob. I say blob but it was actually a very common looking lass who had clearly taken the McDonalds “go large” slogan the wrong way. But bless her, there she was, dancing along with a fag in one hand, a phone in t’other and a Romford face lift (skin tightened to almost snapping point due to the mammoth stress applied by a series of load bearing ‘Scrunchies’.  I also noticed a distinct increase around town of scabby looking men and women, wild eyed and desperate (and one in a pink velour tracksuit despite being at least 40 if not older).

Took me a while to work it out but then I remembered today is Giro day and the level of class of the town centre drops as the High Street fills with alcoholics and smack heads crawl out to take our tax payers money and spend it in Greggs, the bookies and Booze Buster. Joyous days.

(Ooooh as I think about it I do remember seeing another family of the underclass pushing a pram around with a McDonalds box sat atop the pram. Marvellous stuff… oh and the couple in Pooondland debating which crisps are best to feed their baby.!! Fuck me, what a society).

Then I saw a car drive past. One of the new shape Minis. Well nothing weird there (unless you count the awful plastic covered lump of shit that drove past me yesterday with two yoofs cuddled up inside) but this Mini had a word in huge black letters on the roof. It said “MINI”. Why in hell does someone need the type of car they are driving emblazoned on the top of their vehicle.? Is it in case you park by a tall building and often forget where you parked it.? Or perhaps when you drink drive your way home it can be useful to know the name of the car you are in so when you have to phone the AA to drag you out of the bus stop you have crashed through they know what to look for.

Perhaps we should extend this trend to other people and their cars. So on the top of Peter Andre’s car he could have “TIT” splashed across it. Michael Winner could have “CUNT” on his. JLS could have “BUNCH OF TALENTLESS WASTERS” on their tour bus perhaps. Ultimately we would end up with Kerry Katona driving around the country with “IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN I AM PROBABLY ON MY WAY TO REHAB AGAIN OR BUYING MORE DRUGS”… good job she has a big car then.

Finally tonight we have a band that has been getting lots of airtime on Radio Two. They have been around for a good while but have only just appeared on my radar. They are called Little Big Town and their single “Fine Line” is just marvellous. Think of Fleetwood Mac with a touch of the Corrs (and they seem to cover a few Fleetwood Mac songs in their gigs) and you get the idea. One of the female singers looks remarkably like from Hollyoaks (remember her.?) but it doesn’t take anything away I promise.! Hehe.

So I shall leave you now with them playing Fine Line… it is bloody great.!

(ps… if anyone can remember which comedy programme the line forming my title for today is from then pleeeease tell me. It is driving me up the fucking wall.!)

Did anyone hear Monday’s edition of the Jeremy Vine show over on Radio Two.? There was a rather lively debate about the new idea that our beloved Government has come up with. They want to ban smoking outside doorways of offices, pubs et al. Oh lucky us smokers. What a marvellous treat for all those self righteous non-smokers who have the whole run of every public building in the bloody country and then moan about the two seconds that it takes them to walk past a smoker stood OUTSIDE.

I like smoking. I know it isn’t good for me, smells bad sometimes and is anti-social but I enjoy it. I PAY FOR THE CHOICE of puffing on a cigarette and I have not been allowed to sit inside a building blazing one up for three years almost. I have to go and stand outside with my friends who also smoke, in rain, snow, wind, heat and hail. If I wish to find shelter it is usually right next to the door I have just exited out of and you will inevitably pass by me as you leave your smoke free pub that smells of sweat and toilets now. Maybe if you had relented and allowed a smoking area, sealed off, with a fan fitted, that would allow me to smoke inside (which many pubs offered to do but were turned down) then I wouldn’t be stood hundled like a homeless guy, shivering like a burns victim in a doorway full of similarly fettered people. If you moan when you walk past then I shall give you abuse and maybe even chase you down the street throwing dog ends at you.

Actually if you get the chance to hit the listen again page at the Radio Two website, have a listen. The arguement between the sanctimonious little fucker who didn’t even go in pubs and the woman who argues with him is just brilliant. Mr Vine struggled there I think.

Day off today for moi so it appears (well if it isn’t then I am going to be right in the shit for not turning up for work this morning). So far today I have read all my back blogs about Chris Moyles as the b3ta.com question of the week is about annoying celebrities, seems I am not the only person who finds the gert twat a pain in the ear. At least Whiley has been moved off to pastures new now although at the expense of having bloody Edith Bowman taking over her show. Thank goodness for Evans, Bruce, Vine, Wright and Mayo. Radio One seems to be pumping out shit DJs, shit music and there will never be an end in sight.

It seems the year is moving ever faster… it is already one twelth gone.! In five months time it will be time to put the toys back in and get rid of the garden furniture again. Scary thought that. On the plus side it means the F1 and BTCC seasons are getting nearer and nearer. The F1 season is one I am thoroughly looking forward to what with Schumacher’s return, new teams, bigger grid, all Champion BRITISH line up at McLaren. *Rubs hands together with glee*. Sauber and Mercedes do appear to have designed horrible looking cars though. The Williams looks quite respectable, let us hope they pull something wicked out the bag and get their first win since 2004.

Anyway, Jeremy Kyle is on and I have Northern slags to shout at and abuse via the medium of television, so I shall see you all later.