Well Lidl becomes the next victim of the “things that are flammable in Weston”. I wonder if it improved the flavour of their chocolate though.
I was thinking the other day…. it is the first month of a series of twelve (available soon on DVD and Blueray). I wonder what will happen between now and the 31st of December. So I have made a few predictions. Read on you foul minded beasties, you.
January…
Snow causes poncy 4X4 driving mothers to explode as they fail to get the three hundred yards to school. House prices take a nose dive when people find out most of them have been built by Australians. Simon Cowell launches fart factor with Mr Methane and One Fat Lady judging it.
February…
The compensation payout to Thalidomide victims is over paid and recalled but they can’t reach their wallets to give any back. Germany announces army expansion – France surrenders just in case and the Poles start building a campsite. The BBC launches Prancing on Ice where homosexual ZZZ list celebrities mince around on a frozen duck pond somewhere in Herefordshire.
March…
A sudden heat wave melts Jordan as she marries new squeeze Alex reid in Italy. Peter Andre is arrested moments later knocking one out in the bushes whilst singing “Mysterious Girl”. Simon Cowell launches Mex Factor – Sombrero sales treble overnight.
April…
Lewis Hamilton takes early lead in the F1 Championship. Officials fine him £2million and ban him for three races for having a dirty mark on his race suit. Schumacher and the two Ferrari drivers go to the top of the table. Daily Mail launches an inquiry to find out if Princess Diana was actually two illegal immigrant midgets paid off by Prince Phillip in fancy dress. The French dismiss Paris as capital and go with Berlin ‘to save time later’.
May…
The Queen abdicates and Prince William takes over as Monarch. Three people later arrested for treason for waving a huge banner that says “Show us you’re King Willie” on his Coronation route. Vanessa Feltz explodes drowning Essex in blubber. Simon Cowell bashes out another one… “Rex Factor” as people vie to be the next Marc Bolan.
June…
Lewis Hamilton claws his way to the top again. Ferrari complain to FIA, as does Schumacher. Lewis is hit with new ruling meaning he has to drive with the cockpit full of All-Bran. Apple shows off the new iToilet. Millions of people buy one and THEN realise it is full of shit. Channel four launches Big Brother replacement “Animal Farm” featuring Davina McCall, Dermot O’Leary and a goat. No one can tell who is who.
July…
Temperatures soar as golobal warming REALLY kicks in. Kerry Katona catches alight and fire fighters tackle blaze for 14 hours before she finally goes out. Virgin Islands are swamped by a tidal wave. Thousands of Nuts and Zoo readers prepare to buy boats to row out and help before someone tells them. Simon Cowell releases ‘Susan Boyle Idol’ to find more people who can sing like angels but who look like genetic mutations of Bernard Manning.
August…
Hobbits reopens as a rock club after a mystery man gets the cash out. Huge trousers sales double. Amy Winehouse mixes so many chemicals she turns purple. Ribena offers her a sponsorship deal, cancelling the ill advised one they already have with Shane McGowan for Ribena Toothkind.
September…
Cadburys try to promote their new “Chimp Choc” bars with an actual chimp. Sadly, instead of bashing out “In The Air Tonight” he gets loose, shits on the drums, wanks into the cameraman’s hair and rips the face off the producer. They run the ad anyway to critical acclaim. Manuel actor Andrew Sachs shags Johnathon Ross’s daughter and Katie Perry in revenge.
October…
Jeremy Kyle stabs his entire weeks guest list during show for “Young slags with hundreds of different fathered kids”. Six housing estates are left like ghost towns. Peter Stringfellow hospitalised aftre continuous thirty six hour shag marathon with seven lap dances. Medics described his condition as very comfortable.
November…
Kerry Katona catches alight again at a family bonfire. The firs brigade leave her to burn herslef out. East England smells of rendering fat for weeks afterwards. Russia suffers nuclear meltdown. President Putin denies reality despite having got taller by three feet and growing an extra arm. Lewis Hamilton wins F1 championship despite being made to drive in just his pants.
December…
Simon Cowell found dead, suffocated by his own trousers. Christmas number one is boosted by Facebook campaign once more. People manage to get Slade to number one. Noddy Holder promises to moon on Top of the Pops. Global warming reverses itself and causes heavy snow falls in Italy. The Italians surrender, as do the French, just to be on the safe side. The Swiss push little flippy knife production through the roof. Fluffy Bunny wins the lottery and hosts the biggest New Year bash since Tiger Woods accidentally invited his little black book full of women over for a coffee morning. Free bar and all the pork pies you can eat.
I wonder if any of that will come true.!?! I hope so. Hehehe.