Well Lidl becomes the next victim of the “things that are flammable in Weston”. I wonder if it improved the flavour of their chocolate though.

I was thinking the other day…. it is the first month of a series of twelve (available soon on DVD and Blueray). I wonder what will happen between now and the 31st of December. So I have made a few predictions. Read on you foul minded beasties, you.

January…
Snow causes poncy 4X4 driving mothers to explode as they fail to get the three hundred yards to school. House prices take a nose dive when people find out most of them have been built by Australians. Simon Cowell launches fart factor with Mr Methane and One Fat Lady judging it.

February…
The compensation payout to Thalidomide victims is over paid and recalled but they can’t reach their wallets to give any back. Germany announces army expansion – France surrenders just in case and the Poles start building a campsite. The BBC launches Prancing on Ice where homosexual ZZZ list celebrities mince around on a frozen duck pond somewhere in Herefordshire.

March…
A sudden heat wave melts Jordan as she marries new squeeze Alex reid in Italy. Peter Andre is arrested moments later knocking one out in the bushes whilst singing “Mysterious Girl”. Simon Cowell launches Mex Factor – Sombrero sales treble overnight.

April…
Lewis Hamilton takes early lead in the F1 Championship. Officials fine him £2million and ban him for three races for having a dirty mark on his race suit. Schumacher and the two Ferrari drivers go to the top of the table. Daily Mail launches an inquiry to find out if Princess Diana was actually two illegal immigrant midgets paid off by Prince Phillip in fancy dress. The French dismiss Paris as capital and go with Berlin ‘to save time later’.

May…
The Queen abdicates and Prince William takes over as Monarch. Three people later arrested for treason for waving a huge banner that says “Show us you’re King Willie” on his Coronation route. Vanessa Feltz explodes drowning Essex in blubber. Simon Cowell bashes out another one… “Rex Factor” as people vie to be the next Marc Bolan.

June…
Lewis Hamilton claws his way to the top again. Ferrari complain to FIA, as does Schumacher. Lewis is hit with new ruling meaning he has to drive with the cockpit full of All-Bran. Apple shows off the new iToilet. Millions of people buy one and THEN realise it is full of shit. Channel four launches Big Brother replacement “Animal Farm” featuring Davina McCall, Dermot O’Leary and a goat. No one can tell who is who.

July…
Temperatures soar as golobal warming REALLY kicks in. Kerry Katona catches alight and fire fighters tackle blaze for 14 hours before she finally goes out. Virgin Islands are swamped by a tidal wave. Thousands of Nuts and Zoo readers prepare to buy boats to row out and help before someone tells them. Simon Cowell releases ‘Susan Boyle Idol’ to find more people who can sing like angels but who look like genetic mutations of Bernard Manning.

August…
Hobbits reopens as a rock club after a mystery man gets the cash out. Huge trousers sales double. Amy Winehouse mixes so many chemicals she turns purple. Ribena offers her a sponsorship deal, cancelling the ill advised one they already have with Shane McGowan for Ribena Toothkind.

September…
Cadburys try to promote their new “Chimp Choc” bars with an actual chimp. Sadly, instead of bashing out “In The Air Tonight” he gets loose, shits on the drums, wanks into the cameraman’s hair and rips the face off the producer. They run the ad anyway to critical acclaim. Manuel actor Andrew Sachs shags Johnathon Ross’s daughter and Katie Perry in revenge.

October…
Jeremy Kyle stabs his entire weeks guest list during show for “Young slags with hundreds of different fathered kids”. Six housing estates are left like ghost towns. Peter Stringfellow hospitalised aftre continuous thirty six hour shag marathon with seven lap dances. Medics described his condition as very comfortable.

November…
Kerry Katona catches alight again at a family bonfire. The firs brigade leave her to burn herslef out. East England smells of rendering fat for weeks afterwards. Russia suffers nuclear meltdown. President Putin denies reality despite having got taller by three feet and growing an extra arm. Lewis Hamilton wins F1 championship despite being made to drive in just his pants.

December…
Simon Cowell found dead, suffocated by his own trousers. Christmas number one is boosted by Facebook campaign once more.  People manage to get Slade to number one. Noddy Holder promises to moon on Top of the Pops. Global warming reverses itself and causes heavy snow falls in Italy. The Italians surrender, as do the French, just to be on the safe side. The Swiss push little flippy knife production through the roof. Fluffy Bunny wins the lottery and hosts the biggest New Year bash since Tiger Woods accidentally invited his little black book full of women over for a coffee morning. Free bar and all the pork pies you can eat.

I wonder if any of that will come true.!?! I hope so. Hehehe.

I just remembered. I noticed I had a comment on an old post “Pulling The Strings Of Your Starter” back from 17/05/2007 but the comment only appeared recently and took the form of a question…

“…please where can I buy a unicorn? ”

Errr… out of all the websites in the world you think MY site is going to be the best place to look Mr BeriadekFealtteW.? I don’t even appear to sell anything on this site o’mine so I am a little bemused you assumed I did. IF you want to buy a mono spiked horse like beastie then I suggest unicornsRus.com, wesellanyuni.co.uk and fakeunicornsmadefromhorseswithcornettosstuckontheirfaces.net. Easy.

So the snow has been and is now almost gone. Why does it keep appearing on a Wednesday when I am on early shift and have to get to work at 7am. Wasn’t so bad last week as the 17.5 tonne lorries were unable to drive across a bed of two inches of snow and so didn’t arrive but this week was a pain in the arse as slushy snow and 200kg cages don’t tend to go together. Bastards.

I am assuming you have all checked out my poor, scrawny, half naked body on the old Book of Face (which I was surprised at myself for going through with because it was FUCKING COLD). If you haven’t seen it then just ask and I will plonk it on here.

Model railway news now. The chip shop is almost finished. The next thing on my list is a small terrace of shops which I am going to be attempting to scratchbuild in plasticard. I made a mock up in thick card earlier and it wasn’t too bad at all. We shall see where I end up in a couple of weeks time.

Do you recall the moment in music that they called Garage.? My eyes caught sight of 21 Seconds To Go from the So Solid Crew earlier and it reminded me of those terrible days back in 2001 of songs such as that, Pied Piper, et al. But it wasn’t all that bad was it.? Architects – Body Groove, Mystique and their friends all created a unique insight into a musical world that wasn’t quite house and failed to be trance. I suppose it was the best we could achieve at a time when rock and metal were making a come back via Limp Bizkit and nu-metal buddies. Always was a bit sad that there was never a music scene called Shed.!

I see Messers W Bush and Clinton are going to be helping clean up after the Haiti earthquake. How exactly.? I suppose we could give them a dustpan and brush each. More likely Bush is going to be walking the battered streets dressed as Yosemite Sam shooting rats and gay dogs whilst Clinton attempts to bone any mentally damaged victims with tobacco based products.

Discuss.

I must have a good rant on here sometime soon but I am a little bereft of any ideas (apart from the Government but that goes without saying). Any suggestions on what annoys me (especially those of you who I work with and hear me going on about something now and then which I forget the second I get out the front door). I must be a little less of an angry person as I don’t get these rants out as much any more. Shame that.

Sorry this is a little bit of a bullet point blog but I am copying an old friend who used to jot his thoughts to me as a letter (yes in the days before email) and didn’t have a form to the writings he provided (Ello Doc by the way).

I see the Government has had to say sorry for the Thalidomide arse up back in the 50s. Ok I can see why people who have suffered would like some sort of compensation, that is only natural and it wouldn’t cost the state an arm and a leg to pay it out, I just think there is something horribly unsincere, nay pointless, about having to apologise for an action that occured half a century ago and wasn’t anything to do with anyone. IT all goes back to the slavery thing and Tony Blair saying sorry for shipping Africans home to do the washing up. It wasn’t his fault, or his administration’s, him saying sorry was a bit like Caeser’s descendants saying “Sorry we invaded your country” to most of Western Europe. Grrr. Why does that annoy me so much.?!

Anyway, tis time for a cuppa… back soon England.!

Hello, good evening and welcome to the Stitching Bastards review of the year for 2009. It has certainly been a year of surprises, Brawn GP winning the F1 world championship, Michael Jackson passing away, Hobbits closing it’s doors for the final time and Freightliner ordering the ugliest locomotive fleet ever in the Class 70s.

Let us talk about the high points perhaps, yes us people in the UK had our second F1 champ in two years as Jensen Button followed The Ham to the top spot in a car that made everyone in F1 do a double take and then add a double diffuser to the arse end of their vehicles. I put my foot so far down my neck it was almost impossible to remove when I panned Jensen as “not one of the greats” in the build up to Australia. Talk about eating my words. But very fair play to the guy and also to Mr Hamilton who drove a car that was shit to a couple of wins and a few podiums (having qualified about 16th in the first race), he also scored most points in the second half of the year, more even than Jensen.!

Rage Against the Machine beating Ugly Kid Joe Mcdonalds Worker to number one also made my year.!

And talking of music, my hit of the year, always a great moment in music history, such as Dare (Gorrilaz) and Umbrella (Rihanna)… and this year I am so happy to award it to the best comedy moment I have heard in a long time with a fantastically graphic video and a dead catchy melody… yes, Lonely Island and their “Jizz in my Pants” have whipped themselves into a frenzy and are firmly filling my slot for song of the year. Marvellous.!

There have been a few low points but why should we bother with those as we enter 2010.!?!

and so I will leave you with a defining moment of 2009, Colin Turkington driving his BMW in the BTCC to his first ever championship. Well done Colin.!

and a happy new year to you all.!!!

Follow me on the Stitching Bastards official twitter feed (yes I relented as I am getting a lovely new mobile soon and want to exploit the opportunities to make stupid comments and intrude into your lives as much as I can… my tweet is @stitchinbastard so go add me and wait for the supposed hilarity to begin.! (bear with me if it starts off a bit slow).