From a simple ten minute channel hopping adventure on the music area of Sky tonight I have discovered the following things.
1, Esmee Denters can fuck off.
2, Avenged Sevenfold are not as good as they used to be
3, Paolo Nutini has failed miserably if he was attempting to copy Jackie Wilson and his Reet Petite (which always sounds like a Geordie trying to describe a thin woman, why-aye man, she was reet petite etc).
4, I would probably do Queen’s Roger Taylor but only if he was wearing his outfit from “I Want To Break Free”.
5, Welsh rap peaked with the GLC.
6, Shakin’ Stevens should have avoided that pullover in “Merry Christmas Everyone”.
7, There are only so many times you can watch a video on channel AKA where one person sings, ish, and the rest all dance around behind him purely to get on the TV.
8, All Saints – Never Ever, still a bloody good bit of pop history.
9, The X Factor “stars” with You Are Not Alone can fuck off.
10, Florence and the Machine have DESTROYED one of the greatest dance tracks off all time (You Got The Love, courtesy of Miss Candy Statton) and turned it into yet another indie kid tune by a band that should never have got out of the college recording studio it probably started in. Oh and they can fuck off as well.
11, If it is so easy to find hot, young ladies in my area by text then when I was 14 where the bloody hell were they all.??
12, Mud, Lonely This Christmas, one of the best things about this time of year… but play it in May and people look at you weirdly.
13, 30 Seconds From Mars and their 300 cyclists are mostly breaking the Highway Code by having flashing LED lights attached to their bikes.
14, Watching East 17 sing “Stay Another Day” is like watching a gang of ‘yoofs’ karaoke “When A Child Is Born” whilst carrying big knives.
15, The Darkness were sooooo good for one album (Permission To Land) and two songs (One Way Ticket To Hell And Back, Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End)).
16, Why can’t black people keep their hands still when they sing.
17, If it’s female, singing and hairy then it’s Nelly Furtado
18, If it’s male, annoying and rapping then it’s wearing a crap hat and being 50 Cent.
19, Cascada looks about 15 years older than she is but she can still belt out a reasonable dance track.
and finally…
20, La Roux can fuck off. All the way off, not just a little bit. If I wanted a high pitched woman to whine at me then I will date the squeaky one off of Will and Grace. Please just stop, you are turning quickly into Robin, who started off so well about a decade ago and now produces predictable pop shite. Take your hair, take that bloody car and piss most considerably off.
Well that does feel better. Music really seems to have lost it’s way though. Makes me sound rather elderly but it’s as though everything nowadays is so easy that no one bothers trying anymore. Autotune, 160 track overlays (even Oasis were bad for that), reality TV shows promoting the worst as well as the annoying, it is all falling off the edge of the world. Years ago dance music did that. Then rock. Then pop. Now EVERYTHING is heading towards the abyss in the same way the world is heading to oblivion. Maybe it doesn’t matter then…
…oh but it does. The trouble is that the people pulling the strings are Dani Minogue (much as I love her music, she isn’t exactly the best qualified to dole out musical expertise), Simon Bloody Cowell, Cheryl Fucking Cole (who is about as talented as lice) and Louis Walsh… who brought us Boyzone for goodness sake.!
Might I suggest a murder/suicide pact Mr Cowell.? I will ever buy you the vodka and tablets.
PS. I missed a few…
21, Dizzee Rascal, for what you have done to ‘Dirty Cash’, I hope someone pushes a tuba up your rectum and you become part of a Salvation Army marching band, ommpahs and all.
22, More bands should copy Slade’s idea of using Brummie spellings on their single releases.
23, I do hope all these ‘Bad Boys” Alexander Burke keeps singing about take her to the cleaners.