Just a quick one… whilst browsing the remarkably amusing Texts From Last Night website I found this advertising side banner…

So apparently the new autumn look in the USA is dressed like a cunt. Or like a six year old who has suffered a “Lynx advert” style collision with Screech from Saved By The Bell. Surely this guy knows he has been dolled up to look like a complete anus but I await the moment I walk in Hobbits or DBs and SOME tosspot is dressed like this. Was bad enough being in the same room as some guy dressed as bloody Dappy from NDubz the other week.

Flippin’ Heck.!

A quick one… I had to get a train today… can you tell.?

“Dear First ‘Great’ Western
Could you please explain in simple terms why, when I went to Weston-super-Mare station this morning, was I confronted by a train fare of £12.20 for a normal day return ticket to Taunton for the 9am train.? I was informed by a very nice lady behind the glass that if I caught the 09.33 departure then it would only be £6.80, which is weird as the cattle truck class 143 is the same type of unit that runs both services and the journey is not lengthened by 30miles due to a time-space wormhole requiring a detour via Stroud. The nice lady behind the glass also agreed it was ridiculous but unfortunately rules are rules (no matter how stupid and profiteering they maybe).

As it was, the 9am train was late by four minutes so technically was off peak and for this I would like to claim back my difference of £5.40 which I could put to good use using your overpriced bus “Service” around Weston. So I will be invoicing you for that £5.40 difference and also an administrative charge of £10 for having to type this email (as well as the wear on my teeth as they did rather grate together as I typed my PIN into your ticket machine at 08.45). I simply cannot understand why you should throw almost DOUBLE the price on a ticket on top of a fare to make a few more quid just to allow another of your managers to buy another Lexus. 

We are trying to get people to USE public transport but as a company you are almost singlehandedly (in Weston-super-Mare at least) making people buy more cars and stick two fingers up to everything with the word FIRST on the side.

(On the way back I had to stand due to the lack of room on one of Arriva’s overcrowded and pointless Voyagers but that is another email and another day.)

Thanks for listening, the invoice is in the post, along with a small furry rodent which comes free with every awful rail journey I make. You must have quite a collection there by now.!”

Cheers then.!
Fluffy Bunny.

Welcome back to the Really Wild Show. My name is Terry Nutkins and today I will be slipping two fingers in Michaela Strachan and rubbing goose fat into the loins of Chris Packham all whilst pretending to still be on Animal Magic with Jonny Morris.

On the other hand it may be me… Fluffius of Bunnicus with my large ears and bouncy tail bounding into your life to entertain you and talk shite for about ten minutes. Always nice to think I am wasting your life as well as my own.! Now what to waffle about today.?

Well top of the pops has to be the sad demise of Mr Floyd (I won’t be touching on Patrick Swayze, very sad though that is, I was never a fan and I have nowt to say on him). My lasting memory of a great character of our time will always be lying in bed on a Saturday morning in Bath, watching Saturday Kitchen and him swanning around the world, cooking in weird places and always with that bloody glass of red wine. I have cooked some of his recipes and they are totally delicious, the world has lost a fine god of food.

Moving swiftly on… I see the bulldozers are due into the Tropicana sometime in March of 2010. Oh really.? Well this will either go one of two ways obviously. In the first instance the “cunt”cil will allow them to demolish the building and Henry Boot will suddenly disappear into the swirling fog quicker than Jordan chasing after a new book deal. Or those bulldozers won’t actually arrive in the first place and the Tropicana will slowly crumble into the sea and be replaced by sand and a little blue plaque that says “Here once stood the Tropicana, don’t bother remembering it, the “cunt”cil never did”. Tosspots, EVERY ONE OF THEM, and Henry Boot can fuck off as well.

Next on the list comes the Government’s (I can’t work any swearing into that word, someone help me please.!) idea to increase the CRB checking to EVERY SINGLE PERSON who will ever come into contact with a child. So if you drive your child to school and occasionally give his best friend a lift too, then you will be CRB checked. If you aren’t and you are caught then hello five grand fine.

Seriously.! Words fail me. For once there is nothing I need to add to that. Incredible.

I am off to sort out my wood and maybe start laying some track. Enjoy.!

Admittedly, this story was in “The Sun”, one of the holy trinity of lying newspapers (the other two being the Star and the Mirror – even the Daily Sport has more credibility than those three)… Simon Cowell has said that had the Beatles appeared on “one of his reality shows” then they would not have got very far. Well thanks for pointing out the bloody obvious Mr Cowell, it is plainly obvious. The Beatles were extremely talented, able to play their own instruments appeared in an era when music wasn’t dominated by fucking reality TV shows all run by Mr Cowell and his production company.

He may have knocked out BUCKETS of these shows over the years but how many of the winners have had more than one song. Last year’s winner of X Factor, that black woman who had the audacity to release Hallajeulah, and decimated it, has disappeared off the face of the planet. Now add in the rest. Sadly legions of stupid people from both this country and the sweaty ball of lard they call the US of Chunky A will always support these ridiculous programmes and leave Saturday night television as innane and pointless as masturbating a soft cock. How about a live fight between Ringo and Cowell. Throw in McCartney as a tag team partner and Piers Morgan too.  In fact lets tie the judges from Britain’s Got Bugger-All Talent to chairs and slowly lower them into a vat of their own shite and watch them drown. I am personally totally behind that idea.!

Right well now I have got that off my chest… on to other things. I went to a little model fair last night and bought three things… two ZKA Limpets (don’t ask) and one bright pink TX4 taxi. I am such a big gay.

Tomorrow night is going out night and I am rather looking forward to it with PVC, Pouty and Hwang hopefully. Wonder if Hwang will wear PVC as well… hmmm. Hope not.!

So the weather outside is rather lovely and I am on here typing as usual, but I don’t care. I am still waiting for those lovely days of winter where I can look out across the town and watch the rain lashing down and the wind blowing the trees about a bit more than usual. Ah winter, my lovely cool plaything with your bare trees and puddles of water to avoid whilst wandering into work. Autumn first though… brown leaves and conkers, the latter of the two is in abundance in our garden thanks to a load of old conkers dumped on our compost heap in about 1990 which has resulted in a Horse Chestnut of our very own dropping it’s brown load onto our grass. Marvellous…

…just need to find someone to play bloody conkers with now.!

Jonny Walker, standing in for the smooth voiced Sir Terence of Wogan on the Radio Two Breaktfast Show this morning, made two very interesting comments this morning.

The first was that sales of Satnavs are down by about 30% (hmmm, another of THOSE statistics it appears) whilst road maps are flying out of the door of various shops far quicker. Is this a surprise.? Well to me it certainly isn’t. I hate Satnavs… you don’t know where you are going via, just the final point and the start point. Unless you have the more pricey ones then you don’t know if there is a traffic blockage going on ahead, same as with a map, so why bother.?

Ok it is far easier to listen to a Nav if you are driving alone but if you have half a brain you can remember a fair amount of a journey before you have to stop and peruse the next portion, perfect time to stop and get a cup of tea and a rest before restarting your driving.

The other comment was something that I think most of the population of this country is thinking… Jordan, please leave. Go to Australia, the Arctic, Mongolia, ANYWHERE but here. We don’t care about you and your little mole of a child. We don’t give two large brown shits about you and Peter Fucking Andre, a man we thought we had got rid of in 1997 but thanks to you is STILL in our lives. Maybe you should have considered a murder/suicide pact, that would solve things nice and fast.

The trouble is, in the Western world, that our obsession with celebrities is incredible. People with massive talent are passed over for the likes of dirty slappers (Katona, Price, Goody) or tiny brained men (Andre, Williams, Susan Boyle (well she looks like a man and is talented but for fuck sake people!)). Celebrities like this get ridiculous amounts of press coverage to the point where whole magazines purely about famous people are one of the biggest sellers. The likes of Heat or OK or Hello or Famous Twat Monthly move quicker off the shelves than fly spray when Lady Gaga is in town.

So citizens of this fair Isle. can we not leave these melodramatic wasters to the Americans.? Can we not just ignore the lunatic element of the famous world… maybe pausing occasionally just to laugh as they die in nasty circumstances, falling from a balcony on a drinking binge perhaps or strung up like a chicken with an orange soaked in poppers stuffed in their open gobs.

Jordan. Take your children, the one who looks like a deformed Gary Coleman, take Princess (possibly the ugliest child ever to walk this earth) and fuck off. Go to another country. Another planet perhaps. Why not get on a boat and point it south towards the Antartic…

…until the penguins get bored of you and tell you to fuck off as well.

Well it is week one of my two weeks off work (paid of course). So far I have done very little and I can’t see it changing.

Had a great night out last Saturday with all the peeps at White Lion, Phoenix, Hobbits and DBs. Was VERY weird going into DBs though. Hobbits was pretty dead and the “stand in” DJ seemed to not understand the fact that the music he was playing was causing the dance floor to stay clear for a heck of a long time. After a good couple of hours we hastened to the door of the very busy DBs and I was actually shocked. Apart from the very drunk unclassy women and the usual indie/seen kids it was Hobbits from 2005. The music was more up to date obviously but otherwise it was full of the people I know and had a good atmosphere despite the £4 entrance fee (which was halved thanks to Mr Hwang and his special ways with the doorpersons). Only one problem…

…it felt like I was cheating on Hobbits.! Odd. If only Hobbits could get all this back.!

On other notes, well done to Kimi and even more WELL DONE to Fisi and Force India for a fine first (Kimi) and second (only due to the KERS I reckon, Fisi) . Fantastic race at the brilliant Spa circuit in Belgium, always a big favourite. Sad for Lewis and Jensen who both were driven off the road by two drivers I have trouble pronouncing. Follow that up with the amazing wet/dry race from Silverstone courtesy of the BTCC with wins for Matt Jackson and Plato. Lots of fun and hijinx and so close for James Nash.!

In other news, a woman who parked her car too close to the sea and then came back to find the Police has smashed a window to get the hand brake off and make sure it didn’t float away has been handed a special award by the Stitching Bastards Foundation for Stupidity. Actually she hasn’t but what the hell is she moaning about “oh I had to spend an hour cleaning the glass off the baby seat”… so.? Would you have prefered to have spent several days wandering up and down the coastline between here and Bridgwater hoping to find your waterlogged, rusted up wreck.? Or would you have prefered to come back to see it merrily bobbing it’s way across the Severn towards Cardiff. Maybe if you heeded the obvious fact that you were parked BY THE FUCKING SEA and understand that if you park near a vast expanse of water then there is a very real possibility that the bloody thing will be swamped by the incoming tide.

“As visitors we were unfamiliar and uninformed of the tide situation”… she said. Ok well I don’t live in Kansas but if I see a big funnel shaped cloud coming at me then I know there may be a danger, I also don’t live in Los Angeles but I know to avoid the American Police if I happen to be dressed up as a Minstrel, chocolate or otherwise.!

Since when has “acting like a cunt” been a replacement for “taking some responsibility”.? I do hope her insurance company tells her to piss off. Ditto those two retards with the Taunton hire car who watched it disappearing under the Brean waves. Honestly.! Some people *shakes head*.

Finally… have you noticed how stupid statistics are becoming more common.? The best example is the usual “how sure are you that your braindead boyfriend hasn’t shagged half of Sheffield behind your 32 stone back.?” “Err about 45.848% sure, Jeremy”. I think Mr Kyle does have a lot to answer for. The other day he asked some guy (unemployed and unemployable with his forehead keeping the rain off his shoes) if he thought he was the father to his child or if the mother (who I am sorry to say was like a garage with (saggy) tits). He said “I am 20/80 Jeremy”, now the mother was 50/50 and the sister of one of them, who was sat in the audience like a spectator at the worst darts match ever, said “10/90″. Where the hell did they get that from.? There were only two guys who had banged this brick built car structure of a woman so surely that is 50/50 and nothing else.

Then in the Mercury there is the story “Potholes Up By More Than A Third”. Have they been out and counted year on year.? Is there some small department we don’t know about with a massive pad of paper and a road map with numbers on it.? It turns out it works on the amount of complaints but even so, very odd. Maybe if the “cunt”cil fixed the roads properly instead of sending out two men with a small amount of tarmac and a spade then the roads would last longer. Ewart Road for instance was last resurfaced when I was in primary school. I hear the average road is rota-ed for resurfacing every 25 years so it will be 2014 I think before it gets a new top coat.

And on that rather boring note I am off. WoW calls.!