Afternoon my crazy bunch of people who should know better and are probably working as you have no skills and mostly exist in the shite we call retail…

…which is where I normally am but for the day off I am enjoying courtesy of a trip to Taunton for a course on Thursday. Good day that was, let me tell you.! Late in, early out, train rides, and a blister on my left heel that pissed me off all the walk back to the station. Arse. Oh well. Although I did notice a couple of things on my travels…

Firstly there was a surprising lack of Freisian cows, the classic black and white wee beastie that we are all so used to.  Damn Germans.! Anywho, apart from a field or two of our monotone mooing friends, all the others were browner than brown. Guernsey, Jersey and Dairy Shorthorn (I think, look I was on a 158 doing 75mph, it wasn’t like I could get out and check.!) were in abundance in fields along the way. I am guessing this is something to do with the populace pushing for more diverse foods and maybe farmers enjoy a little more money for the creamier milk these breeds tend to give.

The second thing I noticed was a sign on the platform at that armpit of the West known as Bridgwater. Now I don’t know if this was a standard sign used on all stations owned by that formible pile of bastards known as Firstgroup or if it was a specific notice detined to only be used in a place where sisters and brothers are a lot closer than the rest of the country (except Nottingham and Norfolk obviously). It read “The use of cycles, skateboards, rollerskates, rollerblades and scooters is forbidden on this station”.

Seemingly innocuous yes.? Well I didn’t think much about it until my brain loaded properly and it struck me… why use the word “cycles”.? Why not bikes, a term now far more commonly used… UNLESS they were worried that a mob of circus bound lads all riding unicycles might slip unwanted onto the up platform and start fuggling (I mean juggling but I missed typed the letter ‘j’ and I liked the new word I made) with their balls…

BUT and it is a big but. Not as big as the arse end of that fat lass who was in our shop yesterday just quite large. But, what happens if someone rides in on a penny-farthing.? Or a tandem.!?! Mayhem could ensue and tottering Victorian style gentlemen would be most annoyed by being told things by the conductor of the next stopping DMU such as “dismount young sir”, “no time for that my lord” and “how the fuck am I supposed to get that in the guard’s van”.

Weird.

So what is tonight.? Tis Saturday once more and I am not going out AGAIN. Restraining myself from spending any more than I need to this month and so I shall be unable to attend the works do scheduled for tonight and shall be spending a barbeque with the family whilst Chili enjoys her Mexican and then work tomorrow followed by the BTCC.! Hurrah.! So I shall see you later yes.? Good. Byeeeeee.

The merry month of May has dawdled it’s way into our hearts. The days are longer, the weather warmer and I am bored at work. Genius. Just time to sit back, relax and await the two week Brummie invasion where every other person through the door happens to use the words “Alroight moite” within seconds of entry.

Now you wanted that rant I had left lying around didn’t you… about Tescos.? You know what… I actually swapped my annoyance at them for plain and simple apathy. I have started to boycott them and started shopping at proper little shops…

…or at least I had until I wandered into one or two shops around town that are run in the classic corner shop style if you see what  I mean. When you have paid £1.10 for a simple Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle then it made me wonder if I was being too hard on the large money grabbing corporate force when I can be ripped off more professionally by some tosspot who has a McColls franchise and adds THIRTY pence to the average price of a packet of Lambert just to make his pockets a little more weighty.

Of course the other shops such as local butchers and farm shops stock much better produce with better money going to the farmers (as well as the mucho glorious flavours that go with proper looking after of animals and a lack of chemicals and hormones) so they will always be naturally more pricey but the difference in quality is worth it.

Moving on to other news… Jordan and Peter Andre have split up. Oh no. Oh woe is me. So bloody what. Two of the biggest freaks in showbiz and Peter Andre. Ahem. I am just worried about the children. Who is going to be stupid enough to want to shack up with either of the adults when their children are so fucking scary.!?! Princess.?? Looks more like Princess Di… as she is now.!!!

So Gordon Ramsey has been given a bollocking for using the f-word (that is FUCK for those of you who live sheltered lives… or are dyslexic). Now I don’t see the problem here. I don’t find it offensive at all. I am far more offended by the televised pictures of celebrities on ice skates titting around pretending they are in a serious competition when they are more like so many show pigs being oinked around a slippery arena. Here is an f-word for you… CUNTS.

And finally tonight apparently there are many more people cancelling holidays to Mexico – err is this just that people don’t want to go to a place full of Mexicans rather than anything else.? Or being that close to the Americans.!

Anyway that is it from me. Take it easy on the knees my dear.!

*****LATE NEWS*****

Actually I do have a little more to add…

Swine flu. Errrr where is it.??? All the hu-hah about the world’s population of humans and pigs (and humanpigs such as Kerry Katona) dying out because of some sneezing bacon has not quite died down but with about three people and a slightly snuffly piglet somewhere in Eccles being the only victims can I assume the tabloids rather dived in too quickly.?

As usual their mass scare stories are the best place to see wound up speculators and jumped up two bob ex medical types throwing in stupid comments that can easily be edited by even the thickest of journalist and added to headlines like “Swine Flu – Prepare to Flee” or “Pig The Way Of Your Death Mortal”. Grrr they do bloody well annoy me.!

Lastly for this blog I would like to say a big thank you to Chili and her family for the recent festive moments at her birthday barbeque. Was very lovely and a great time was had by all, especially by my slightly drunken but gorgeous girlfriend, Miss Chili herself.

Night night all.!