Heyup my darling peeps how the bloody hell are you all.? Sorry to hear about the gout and get well soon to Mr Stephen of Hawkin… maybe someone should reboot him, see if it works out better.

First off a big well done fellas to Red Bull’s F1 team and their one-two on Sunday last… marvellous race, good to see the Ham in their throwing the car in all directions and the Ferraris failing to score again, hehe. Excellent race. This weekend is the Bahrain GP and BTCC from Thruxton, my favourite English course and one of the fastest.! Should be exciting I think.

What shall I tap into on here first… oh, I know, the girl I saw earlier prancing around in her white rimmed plastic ‘designer’ sunglasses… Love, they look awful. You look like a fucking victim who wants to be Kanye West crossed with Lady Gaga. Take them off now and stop looking like a big dick.

Lots of fun in town yesterday with cordoned off areas, police everywhere, a separate incident in our store brought an ambulance and a couple of coppers too so at least we were entertained.! Was almost as good as that old lady collapsing and bringing a helicopter and lots of various blue-lighted vehicles to the High Street (thankfully she was ok in the end).

I do have a rant brewing… bear with me… it will be along tomorrow.! Byeee all.

Right… I have been surprisingly good about this. I have managed to avoid the issue time and time again despite more jokes about it than stupid chavs hitting spiky fences in the snow and Maddy McCann. There is a limit to the restriction of my venomous rage and it has easily been surpassed.

A TWELVE PAGE PULL OUT OF JADE FUCKING GOODY.! Who the HELL thought that would be the best way to celebrate the life of a repulsive, press courting, media whore who did nothing great for society and was only famous because she racially abused someone in a house full of CCTV cameras.

Princess Diana, ok I can understand the nation’s grief over that if I really have to (actually I still have no idea how she was so loved when she played the media just as much but she did help people and she didn’t ‘have’ to, fair enough). Winston Churchill, I can see why the death of one of our greatest Prime Ministers would require all the state finery, let’s be honest here, when Mr Blair passes on (soon we hope for the Middle East sake if not our own) I doubt there be anything more than a quick wave goodbye from us all and back to work.

Now ok Miss Goody was not given the full “wander the coffin through the streets of London Town passing by the landmarks on the way” type send off but she might as well have been. The front of The Sun (yes I know, don’t say it) was emblazoned with her Kojak like physiog for over a month almost EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.  The pull out was the crowning turd on the overfilled cess pit.

Actually, no it wasn’t, her mum’s insistence on a guard for the bloody grave is the top of the pile. The only thing they need to officially guard against is me in my tap shoes DANCING ON IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I am sorry she is dead but unlike so many people before her she died without dignity or scruples. Wendy Richard died at a similar time and there was little fuss, little press and buckets of respect. She was a glorious actress, a one time hotty and a famous face for the right reasons.

Maybe I am just worried that next time it might be Jordan or Kerry Katona. The world would never hear the bloody end of it.!

*breathes*

My usual day off has been filled with bad music, cupcakes (no not that kind, euuugh), reheated pizza with garlic breadiness and plenty of tea… oh and Jeremy Kyle.

Yes, Jeremy Kyle… now I am sure there is a thing there that bugged me… ah. Twas the first guest. On for her third DNA test with her mum who has five kids by three men and a sister who got compensation for falling down some stairs.! Could this be one of the worst families on there ever.??? Fling in an estate and some burnt out cars and I think we are done. Luckily though it did turn out ot be third time lucky and the guy WAS the father. Oh good. I will go get the champers and a big fuck off knife.

I also wish to issue a bit of a retraction. Mr Button I would like to apologise with the biggest sorries for doubting your driving abilities. You performed without fault on Sunday and I was most impressed by both the car and your amazing win. Ditto Mr Barrichello.! Now The Ham, disqualified from third for a weird infringement after such a great drive to the top from the back. very good but unlucky. What happened I cannot tell so I guess we shall see what this Sunday brings (along with THREE touring car races, hurrah).!

And finally tonight… The Government want to push through a ban on jokes about gay people as it is “supposed” to incite hatred against those of us who prefer the taste of cock to cunt… or vice versa. Now I have no problem with homosexuals, I love them… but like any person I like jokes too. I like ALL types of jokes and I truly believe no one is above having the piss ripped out of them. I don’t care whether you are a muslim, in an iron lung, white, black, yellow, purple, Scottish, Irish, French, deaf, dumb, blind, or a Catholic Priest – you are fair game.

So let us all talk about Heather Mills maybe.? Bye for now.!