I have been reliably informed that I need to update this site more, thanks to Ben from work, who is a student and fills his days doing a lot less work than that massive tax payer’s loan should cover… so here is a new blog in the form of words on a page with stupid comments inserted here and there.
Shall we have a quick run down of the search hit list.? No.? Well you can go play in the road whilst I do anyway…
“what causes backs of hands to itch after sweating during power walking” – Probably the warts or maybe that packet of smallpox spores you were about to unleash on the western world INFIDELS.!
“who is ian baker and is he really that much of a bastard” – Hmmmm. One of my ex girlfriends.? A disgruntled client.? Maybe the pope wants his hair dryer back from me.?!
“grandad incest” – Images of Clive Dunn and his daughter abound… DON’T PANIC.!
“why do you piss black when you have glandular fever” – In my humble experience you don’t piss black, more brown. Makes for interesting nights out I can tell you.!
“carol vorderman’s big round bum” – I have a lot of Vorderman/Beeny hits but this one tickled me in ways I cannot understand.!
“foxy fucking bingo” – Ah, someone else has been having problems with a couple of fat ladies, or a duck perhaps.?
“smell my sweaty dirty hairy cunt” – Errr no thanks Ma’am, I am not sure Phillip would like that.!
“tins with their bras on 36dd tits” – Sometimes I wonder what in hell people are looking for…Tins.???
“talking elephant posing pouch” – Is this as in a talking elephant with a posing pouch or a posing pouch of a talking elephant.?
“recent hanging over a girlfriend in midsomer norton” – Not Bridgend then.? Oh no fun then.
“prince edward takes it up the arse” – I bet he doesn’t despite all the rumours… no room in there anyway with all those TV producers stuffed inside.!
“name and shame all those dirty slappers” – translation… I am expanding my phone book and want some contacts.
“sexy escorts in wensleydale” – Ah the idea of a Ford RS Mexico covered in a thin layer of white cheese. Marvellous.!
“comparethemeerkat.com” – I get a surprising amount of hits for this. Maybe I should reserve it for myself and start selling small mammals.!
And here we shall pause for a guitar solo and a pint of frothy beer…
Or not.! On with the ‘fun’…
It has been a very tiring few weeks what with this whole Christmas thing and all. I had a very sad moment earlier, stood in Woolies with sod all stock around the place, whilst Bonnie Tyler sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart” in her Welsh fashion over the whole scene. What a sad end to an era of such a household name.! Goodness knows what shop is going to take over such a large unit as that though. Will have to be something special and let us all pray they sell toys and trains (and sweets with beer just to make up the weight).!
I see BSkyB have been showing off their new 3D television. What a marvellously futuristic idea, but I do detect a few drawbacks about being able to see round things…
For a start the missus will get very pissy everytime Miss Beeny is on and you end up standing above the tele trying to glimpse a peek at her shirt spuds. Secondly the idea of a 3D Jo Brand, Dawn French or that Rosie O’Donnell is just hideous. Miss Brand is enough in 2D let alone 3.! Maybe another dimension (the lard division) could be introduced like high definition was to provide a basis for letting these people and others on to the screen properly. Thirdly fuckwits like Russell Brand, Ben Elton and ANY one of My Super Fucking Sweet Cunting Sixteen (I hope NOT ONE of you lives to be seventeen, spoilt, ugly scum) will be so life like in your living room it will be far too tempting to keep twatting them in the face with your slippers and eventually someone will get injured.!
On the plus side you might be able to lie underneath and see if Miss Furtardo’s bikini line really does look like Brian Blessed’s face, interesting.!
And now to the bathitorium. Because I am worth it.
