Hmmm. Well I didn’t see that coming. The doctor signed me off for a week (having bent me into angles I didn’t know I was possible of attaining and making my body click more times than Michael Winner trying to return his soup for more ejaculate to be added to it). So I shall be bored out of my tiny mind once more and watching a lot more daytime TV. Right now I am dozy as hell despite having had no narcotics administered to me and my back feels better, just in different places. Rest Bunny, REST, said my Jewish mind.

Yes I am watching Jeremy Kyle right now… how did you guess that.? Actually the first one was about two twins who work as porn stars/escorts (£200 an HOUR.??? EACH.??????? For them.? They both looked like they had been chasing parked cars). In between Mr Kyle and that fucking Foxy Bingo advert (oh please… just stop. Please. No more) I do my usual flipping of channels to gather more information on what is on at the same time. In particular there was the newest series of Life of Grime, from Scotland, which makes almost as much sense as the filming they did in Bristol, with the saldy lamented John Peel (still think they should remove Arthur Bloody Smith and slip in Mark Radcliffe, a man who has a very similar voice (Ooooh slipping in Mark Radcliffe… Ok Chuckie, I am obsessed I admit it)).

One thing that I did hop onto was the channel known as Dave. Odd name for a channel, that. I assume when it is in better company (when the executives are bandying around some broadcast centre somewhere with Paxman and Snow (Jon not the 1990s singer of top iffy rap song “Informer”) they must say things like “Oh, I operate a channel of my own old boy. David. No no, we just call it Dave for the riff-raff who watch it”). I digress, I bumped into Mr Raymond of Mears, the king of survival and he who eats grubs (without a hint of Ketchup in sight I may add).

Now Mr Mears was in Mongolia. I should point out that Mongolia is in Asia and not a place where some of those hideous people you see in low budget nightclubs in town emerge from. The Mongolians are excellent with their animals. They utilise the local wild horses and only take a day or so to break a stallion into being a docile, reliable and friendly animal which they take care of and domesticate. But they still need pack animals, load carriers. Luckily nature has provided a two humped camel which roam around the countryside burping, eating grass and generally having a lazy time of it.

I bet you are wondering where I am going to end up with this odd rambling aren’t you.? Well it’s just the idea of a camel being roped and taken away from the herd, naturally instinctive of a pack animal of course, and then “bumping into” it’s old friends from the herd once more at some point…

Just imagine… a herd happens past a familiar face around a small village…

“Hello Keith, haven’t seen you for ages, how is life.?”
“Oh hi Gerald. Well to be honest it isn’t bad. The work is a bit hard, not like being with you guys out on the plains, but the food is better. Plus I don’t have to go bending down so much with these new fangled nose bags”.
“Sounds alright. We, the guys I mean, we wanted to call but we weren’t sure how it would be, you know, for you being busy with work and things. Didn’t want to make you feel, isolated.”
“I understand Gerald. Don’t worry. I… I… I’ve made new friends to be honest. Not quite like the old gang, they are mostly equine and a bit snobby but they have given me a few good nights out on the milkshake, nosebags at 4am on the way home, y’know”.
“It’s good to know that Keith… err, we were worried you see. That you might be annoyed with us for ignoring you kinda”.

“Worried I might have the hump perhaps.?”

I better stop there before I dive into the realm of seriously bad Camel jokes but you get the idea. As Bob Monkhouse pointed out with fish being caught and then put back in the water (”Where did Eric go.? He was right there just a moment ago”… and they never believe where he has been when he reappears) do animals have this awkwardness we don’t know about, maybe someone should do a survey.!

Oh and one last thing… I was reading about a dormouse survey earlier. Surely they wouldn’t be able to hold the clipboards.!

I shall be back tomorrow with more insane ramblings so please don’t go too far. And if you do then make sure you take Gordon Brown with you, because he needs to be further away from the country than he currently is.

I will tell you what… having a bad back is a pain in the arse. I managed to twist my back on the way up the stairs at work on Wednesday night and I am still in lots of agony type things. The reason I have hurt my back.? Well because I have hurt my right heel, meaning that to walk I have been limping on tip toe and put undue strain on the wrong part of my muscles. So two days off work later and I am no better, but the pain has spread across my body and shoulders and now sits on my back as one big whole. Lovely. As you may imagine I am now a little on the fed up side.

Anywho…

What a lovely Saturday it is. Staving off the winter I think we must be.! Dammit. I am dying to jump into my nice cold bed after a day freezing my ass off at work and snuggle down in the warmth with Chili knowing it is cold and wet outside. Stupid global warming.!

It has come to my attention that North Somerset Council have decided to force anyone who puts chairs and tables outside of their business in Weston into paying for a “licence” AND a yearly fee.

Is the same group of people who almost BEGGED owners to place those same tables and chairs out to create “a more continental feel”.? Surely it would be a much better idea to invest in better pavements and areas for outside dining rather than punish those who want to use their property to promote a nicer, airy place to eat.

According to Cllr Ap Rees this is purely due to “Health and Safety Issues” where cordons are required in case someone trips over a chair, but when the state of most public areas in Weston are so badly designed and maintained (such as the paving around St James Street and the cobbled area around the Playhouse) then am I being a little bit mad in suggesting these are concentrated on first.?

Let us see if that appears in the Mercury

Back later.!

Well I have had a busy day. Up early, into work, then off to Cribbs for a course on how to pick things up (boxes and things NOT women and diseases as I am assuming you are all thinking). Call it “Forget everything you ever knew about lifting”. That was quite fun. Then I came home and popped some things into the loft, dusted and tidied up my room and ground my teeth reading about Mr Hamilton and that bloody penalty again.

So what else has been going on.? Well a pier caught fire in Fleetwood (near Blackpool I think). Yes another one… although along with the rest of Weston I think I am waiting to see which public building around the town ignites next.! Oh and some tennis player didn’t do very well in some other country somewhere. Tch, low level sport, well really.!

Think I might call this a short one as a certain brown eyed goddess has just walked in the house… so do enjoy the rest of your evenings… and of course.

Don’t have nightmares.

Lewis won. Outright. He missed the chicane, fair enough, but let Kimi back in front in less than 100 metres, BEFORE THE START LINE, but because he is driving a car that is NOT red (ie a Ferrari) he is given a 25 second penalty.

If he had gained an advantage then why did he then allow Kimi back past.? He was aware he had broken a rule that requires a driver to give up the place gained, which he did. Kimi then lost out on the first corner to Lewis through his own mistake. Massa gained nor lost nothing through Lewis missing that chicane.

When Massa was allowed out of the pitlane in front of another car in Valencia he was NOT handed a penalty except for a €10,000 fine for himself. He gained an advantage by NOT being held behind the approaching Force India car and created a very dangerous situation for himself and other people in the process. Why was he not given a time penalty (which for very similar incidents has been given to drivers in the past) when it was obvious he too broke a rule.

If you don’t drive a Ferrari, don’t expect a fair deal of the cards in F1. This has been proven enough times in the past but since Schumacher left I assumed it was back to being fair. I was wrong.

This travesty of justice shows the incompetence rife within the upper chain of stewards in F1 that damages the sport (re: Stupid decision to not allow anyone but Bridgestone runners to run in USA GP several years ago).

McLaren are unlikely to complain as it usually (for them) means a bigger penalty for them.

Lewis can outdrive anyone on that grid… let us hope he does show and bears his hairy brown cheeks at the Stewards as he holds aloft the champions cup in Brazil.

Go prove them wrong Lewis.

Talk about culture shock. I have just returned from a marvellous four days in Dartmouth with Chili (see previous blog). Going from such a nice pleasent, CLEAN, tidy seaside town back to here is a bit like travelling from Venice and ending up in Catford, only with more junkies and tramps this end.

That is the main difference though, between the two places, no rehabs anywhere in Dartmouth. No alchies sat on benches quaffing Diamond White out of Pepsi bottles. No dirty looking skank women doddering along talking to themselves and very few undesirables at all.!

So what did we get up to (instead of punching addicts in the face with large spiky gloves), well I will tell you…

We had a lovely train ride down (with Chili telling me I was like a naughty child as I was all bouncy and would not shut the hell up, well it WAS a train, come on.!!). Then we were whisked from Totnes to Blackpool Sands beach where I dived about the place avoiding wasps and knocked back a nutty Cola and chips. Meeting with some friends we ended up at a marvellous old manor house with massive amounts of space playing table tennis and drinking tea like a Lord and Lady. Then we settled into our room for a bit at Chili’s relation’s house before enjoying a very nice meal at the Dolphin (red thai curry and rice, with a pint. Tasty).

Wednesday was shopping day with a few bits and bobs bought and a few DVDs to watch later on and Thursday was a day of rest before the big meal last night.

A quick drink at Brown’s Hotel (hotel, bar and tapas bar) friendly and well themed served as a nice start to the evening, and it was off to the Seahorse (co founded and run by Chili’s relatives)…

What a lovely place to eat. Yes it is pricey but that is certainly not something that should be putting anyone off. If you like good food then you would enjoy the Seahorse. Simple seafood cooked with loving attention to detail. Outside has no garish advertising, just a plain front with curtains half way up the window to add privacy. Reinforcing the “slightly hidden away feel” is a huge curtain as you walk through the solid wooden door over a brass step. You are greeted and taken to your table with soft lighting and aubergine and mustard leather seating. As we sat down we were given a selection of very fine olives and bread sticks to go with the glass of Prosecco whilst browsing the menu.

I started with the chicken livers wrapped in sage, served with a divinely seasoned mixed leaf salad. The livers were juicy and had none of the strange taste that usually puts me off eating it. A balsamic dressing added to the mix of flavours that were set off nicely by the glass of Prosecco I had to hand. Local artists had their work hanging on the walls by large bouquets of fresh flowers. Chili shared the same starter as I had for a main course, namely Plaice Goujons. The only thing holding the fish together was the coating of breadcrumbs, not a thick jacket, just a light layer which allowed the full flavour of the fish to show through. The interior just fell apart allowing the tartare sauce, home produced of course, to be allowed to fully accompany each goujon on it’s ultimate journey into my stomach.

Chili had chosen the beef rib for her second course which at £24 per person was certainly not cheap. I shared a little and having been handed the steak knife I was very pleased to find out I barely needed any knife, so tender was the meat. Topped with a fine pepper sauce and cooked in a charcoal grill (the Josper specially purchased by the owners) the juiciness of the beef, coupled with the gentle flavour of the pepper made me sit there and slowly chew, contemplating each delicious mouthful.

Dessert was a baked chocolate pudding, served hot with double cream and layered with mousse and chocolate sauce (that Chili wouldn’t allow me to try, hehe) and for me, a 1978 Almagnac, subtle but almost chocolatey in appearence. I was lucky enough to follow this with a sample of the £150 a bottle XO Cognac (a treat in itself) and Chili finished off with a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio, a blush with subtle hints of vanilla and strawberries, her favourite tipple whilst browsing a warm wine list.

Overall.? Well to be honest, I couldn’t fault the food at all. Even without the knowledge it was someone we knew it who was serving us, the food spoke for itself. If you ever get the chance then go try the Seahorse… you will NOT be disappointed, but do remember, such fine eating does not come all that cheap.!

*smacks lips*

The first day of my holiday it is today. Tomorrow myself and Chili are off to Dartmouth to visit relations and to dine in style at The Seahorse Restaurant which will be VERY tasty. Weather is a bit odd at the moment and so I have not packed the sun oil so if I return looking like I have been slathered in barbeque sauce and roasted gently then it is nothing to do with me.

Had a marvellous night on Saturday at my bro and his fiance’s engagement party. Caught up with the love of my life, namely Hwang, and drank a little too much wine. Was a lot of fun though and a good time was certainly had by all (although we made way too much noise exiting the taxi with the happy couple, Barrington and Nellie when we got home. Oh well.

We have spent the day packing (tosh I tell you, I have done all my packing in under ten minutes and Chili has been playing Mario Galaxy on the Wii a lot and so far has packed nothing whatsoever). Also spent way too much time watching Jeremy Kyle and wondering how on earth so many ugly Northern people actually get on television.! Honestly.!?

A few news shorts perhaps then.? Would that satisfy your lust for my rantings in bite size portions.? Well I hope so…

I see Hurricane Gustav has been weaving it’s magic across the south of that glorious land of the free known as America. Apparently those people in New Orleans who haven’t evacuated (their homes or their bowels.?) have been nailing anything that is movable to the floor. Nothing to do with losing them to high winds, just all those looters.!

Somewhere in Belfast the police are hunting a lion which has been spotted in a local park near the Belfast Zoo. There is no substance in the reports of it being recruited by Sinn Fein to provide a stand in for Jerry Adams.

A Pay-As-You-Go iPhone has been released into the UK… sigh… oh dear. Why do they bother.???

And finally…

Billie Piper has said she feels uneasy and a little stressed when walking down the street and being semi-mobbed by young Doctor Who fans… I find this a rather odd thing to say because during her “Because We Want To Days” if she had bumped into me, she would have been a lot more than semi-mobbed. I would be nursing a semi to say the least.!

Right my chinese is on it’s way and so I must say goodbye.

One final word though, Mr Beaton, your usual.?