(Please note, I wrote this at 11.30pm yesterday night after a couple of drinks and before cuddling up in bed.)

Hello gang… well it is a slightly awkward night here… but I will spare you the details about that…

Two things:

Firstly I have just had a simply AMAZING meal in the Flute de Paris restaurant. Oh my goodness… the flavours.! I was tempted into the veal escalope with medley of vegetables and dauphinose potatoes. The meat itself was a virtue in flash cooking with a mildly orange sauce that let itself known only after a few bites of the steak. Imagine slowly chewing a chocolate toffee with the choccy in the middle and suddenly the flavour melting into your mouth. Divine.! The potatoes were perfect, with an amount of creamy garlicness and a palate stunning cheese sauce. Throw in dessert, which was a creme brulee to die for and I would give a massive five stars to this little bite of Anglo-France in my sad little town. As the Sea Palace holds the crown for top chinese and the Curry Garden shares top honours with Surma for the indian restaurant of choice then head to the Flute de Paris and let your mouth do the listening for a change. Mmmmmmmwah.!! *kisses fingers*.

Secondly:

A rant. Let me see if I can still recapture the magic of being able to get a little annoyed.

Whilst sat with Chili in Bar 4 earlier I noticed the headline on the front of the Daily Telegraph read this… “Decline of christian values is destroying Britishness”. Is it.? That is a little odd. You see I thought the decline of Britishness was because if you attempt to be “British” or especially “English” then the first thing that happens is that the Police, such as they are, turn up on your doorstep and tell you to remove the small flag hanging from your window, take down the banner saying “Come On Tim” from the back window of your car and to stop burning Muslims in your front garden (which is just daft, use the back, Duh).! I am English. If you want to be coy about it then fine, call me British but I like the weather wet, the beer warmish and the food tasty. That does not mean to say that if you take away a deity then the whole system of existence collapses into a sodden mass on the floor.

As most of the wars in the world are fought over religion then surely NOT having some form of God would actually make the world a BETTER place and not throw countries into rioty turmoil and set the place alight, more likely it would bring people closer together and stop silly squabbles between people who use the phrase “my imaginary friend is better than you imaginary friend”.!

I did note that the person saying this is a bishop. Why in the name of fuck is a guy with a pointy hat, who is unelected by the people and just gets there by shagging the most little boys, allowed to commentate in the public arena on matters of essential importance. Let’s face it… the decline of moral values in this country is certainly nothing to do with loose women or drink, as he so eloquantly pointed out… it is to do with bad parenting, poor controls over criminals and a total disregard for decency. I am fed up of telling kids off for fucking around at work when shit parents are unable to admonish their own foul offspring for being little shits. I am fed up of seeing little stabby chavs with large knives and endless convictions roaming the streets because “KnifeCrimeHelpingLawyersForYou” have given them a free ticket to do so. I am utterly sick of seeing idiotic folk behaving without regard for other people on various CCTV programmes and everytime I walk up the High Street.

So dear people in the “Church” who apparently speak for everyone… you don’t. You have no say in this world. The values of society are not restricted to you and your faith, no matter which faith you might be of. You are just a mouthpiece for nothing. By all means do what you want and say what you feel, but lets face it… no one is all that bothered anymore.!

You know when you enjoy playing a board game… but KNOW that it doesn’t matter what ever you do you ARE going to lose… well last night I suffered one of THE most humiliating and total defeats in the history of my associations with Spears Games. Imagine I was Hitler and my opponent was Stalin, well I didn’t commit suicide as the forces of Communism approached Mayfair (with a hotel), I just capitulated when I owned nothing at all on the board and landed on Park Lane (also with a hotel) and my worldly belongings were sold out from underneath me.

And all this at 3.30am… at least I had biscuits to keep me lively.!

Been a bit moist today has it not.? Nothing quite like a load of soggy Brummie parents and their odious offspring wandering around your shop saying “Oawwh look Frank, a taoster”… no not bad spelling just the way it really sounds. It is obviously half term, which just leaves the summer holidays to look forward… hundreds of the little fuckers covering the town along with half of Cardiff. Genius.

I may have had one of my odd thoughts earlier. You remember that book I mentioned I got for Christmas last year… “Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit”.? Yes.? Good. Well I am talking about the second one not the original version. The first was great, funny, perfect for me. But having spent a couple of years perusing the second book… well I think I am ready to finally review it.

I have to admit I think that something has been omitted from the whole sorry book. In between “iPod Wages” and “It’s A Royal Clearout” should be the entry “Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit, Book Two”. Rather than the brilliantly written and coyly pointed out chapters within the excellent first edition, it is filled with annoying, badly thought out listings. Now I am aware that it is actually remarkably difficult to fill even a leaflet sized bit of paper with “things I hate”, I know I have tried it, but if you do write a first book then for goodness sake make sure you have enough material for a second. Having titles within like “Estate agents going to war for their customers”, now that is wank.

Sue, hello my love, thank you for that story, I had not seen it until you pointed it out, then it appeared in the tabloids next day, note – I don’t read the tabloids, I use them to set fire to homeless people and the odd foreigner. What a weird idea though… selling a car with a free gun. Obviously this was in the US of fucking A. Now I was actually surprised by this. Surely if you are trying to sell a car in America then the easiest way to get customers is to supply some kind of food stuff. I would suggest a few pies and some root beer. Not only would this allow more time with the customer to sell those important add on sales such as reinforced suspension parts, hardened titanium seat mountings or steering wheels with turkey leg holders, but it would also invigorate the return market as those fat buggers end up eating their own vehicles and have to purchase another one soon after the original sale.

But seriously… the Yanks moan about all these school kids getting shot and stuff like that but they still allow sales of guns and weapons do appear everywhere. Ok, knife crime is pretty bad in this country but at least we have some form of control over the sales of knives. Do remember that both the UK and the US have the ridiculous problem of parents who allow their kids to watch whatever the hell films they want, or play every game on the market that shows an 18+ rating but then complain when Janet Jackson’s nipple pops out briefly.

If you don’t want you child to grow up mental then restrict their environmental exposure to violence and sex…. not JUST sex. I will admit that watching a film about killing isn’t going to make you into a murderer, some of us just like it anyway, but over exposing a 9 year old to GTA 4 is just ridiculous and BOUND to cause problems.

Lovely. Well it is time for me to depart now. Pizza needs to be ordered, hugs given/taken, abuse metered out. See you all later.!

I am back for those rants I told you about… only two I am afraid but I am sure you will enjoy them both heartily.

Firstly, music…

I detest lyrics that make me squirm the same as I detest the sort of television programmes that make me cringe (The Office for example). Whilst cooking last Saturday I had an old CD on. Pure Swing IV, a lovely throwback to when R ‘n’ B was certainly NOT “Rubbish ‘n’ Bland”. There are a long list of great songs on there, most of which don’t feature on the first half of the first CD unusually enough, but the one that stuck in my head was a line from R Kelly’s song “You Remind Me Of Something”.

Now as a song it isn’t the best in his back catalogue but it does still deserve an occasional listen. But there is one line that makes me do the whole squirmy thing. “Girl you look just like my car”. Simple but ineffective at not making me shake in my shoes and wince. Why would anyone ever describe their other half as looking like a vehicle.!??! Ok, I am well aware I have dated/chased some women that deserve to be serenaded with the line “Girl you look just like a bus” but I wouldn’t say it to their faces (and no I didn’t decide what sort of bus). Such an odd analogy but with Mr Kelly’s credentials then perhaps predictably so.

Secondly… Fat kids… as usual.

A complaint has been made against the Wii Fit software for calling some 11 year old girl fat despite the fact she is the correct weight for her size. Err… so.? Any one with any kind of common sense would see that Wii Fit is designed for adults more so than children. If you input my height and weight, such as it is, it asks “is there anyone actually stood on the pad”. Similarly if you input Jo Brand’s critical stats then it asks at least one person to step off the pad.

But as with most games, no matter how “casual” their nature, then there should be an amount of supervision. When it comes to the question of controlling the weight and fitness levels of an eleven year old girl then you should be taking some responsibility surely. Then again, are you the kind of parent who would just buy your child GTA 4 and not worry about the age restriction or anything like that.? Rather than get Nintendo to change or apologise for something that makes no difference to the world, why not shut the hell up and send your daughter out for a bit of a jog. Actually go with her and stop talking to the press and then we, well I, will be more than fucking happy with your lack of ability to prevent the entire country wanting to hurt you almost as much as we all hate the McCanns.

Hmmmm, typing that I just noticed something. I have lost the ability to really get going when it comes to having a good rant. You know why.? Because for a change I am actually happy. I just hope this hasn’t caused me to lose my love of getting wound up over simple things and typing them out on here.! We shall see.

Today I had my toothy pegs looked at… and for the first time ever it was a female dentist… the daughter of my usual dude. It was different. She was just as friendly but more painful on the cleaning around my gums. Weirdly enough though, it didn’t hurt afterwards. Usually I get a dull ache that can persist for an hour or two but today, nowt. In fact I was back in work, after spending twenty minutes shopping for snacks for my night in with Chili (sadly the shopping was in Tescos, not my favourite place, meh), and scoffing a pot noodle with tortillas without a single twinge.

Well it has been a few days since my last update. Was a fantastic weekend. I didn’t go out at all, although I did cook dinner for the six of us on Saturday night and had a great night in and a nice lie in on Sunday morning.

Sunday was lots of fun, Tokyo picked me up and we went for a drive along Roman Road culminating in a picnic with lots of cheese and chicken. I managed to see a simply HUGE wasp (which turned out to be a type of dragonfly called a Darter. Imagine something flying past your ear that looks like a 4 inch long wasp, it was brown trousers time let me tell you) and then bleated along with Chili and Tokyo, at the sheeps(sic) in the adjacent field. Then we headed to the pier where we all went on Freefall as I try to conquer my phobia of heights before we go to Alton Towers. Actually I don’t have a fear of heights. I don’t have a fear of falling either. I have a healthy fear of hitting the floor face first at 100mph.

I will be back with a few rants tomorrow night… but in the meantime, don’t have nightmares.!

Good day fair maidens and gentlemen of the world. How spiffing it is to once again be writing to you and spreading my wrath and horror across the pages of the intyweb. It’s got a little nippy outside again which means I am back to slapping on my coat and huddling up closer in bed. Not that I ever mind that of course.

Had a simply lovely night last night at Chili’s with her parents and Tokyo. Lots of Thai Curry, Prawn Toast and Halloween the Rob Zombie remake. Fantastic. Such a good night. Never heard someone say the words “anal penetration” in front of her mother though. Don’t ask.!

Right now I am watching a video. Plus I am feeling VERY Christmassy… which is partly because the video is Muppet’s Christmas Carol but also following on from the other day when I found myself singing “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time” at work, completely unbidden. How odd… but it is rather happy to watch and enjoy. Next comes The Muppet Movie. Brilliant.!!

Sorry for the odd double posting the other day but someone sat on the keyboard/mouse TWICE and I didn’t go online at all last night so couldn’t delete it.

So I think I will keep tonight short and go and enjoy a play with Lulu, a hug and a chinese, not necessarily all at the same time or all together. Hurrah.!!!

Nay quote… “Bark… BARK BARK BARK.”

Ahhhh. Beer. Actually lager. Carlsberg Export to be precise. Just stuffed a Vindaloo down my face and although it did feel a little warm I did enjoy it… was no hotter than my usual Jalfrezi which was odd, but maybe it will save me repeatedly rubbing my ass with ice blocks at work tomorrow.

Was heartily enjoying stories about bad customers on a website a short while ago whilst stuffing said curry down my gullet. Some of the experiences made me giggle, others just made me want to rip out the heart and lungs of the next customer who winds me up. Trouble is… no matter how in the right I am, I can’t just jump the counter and nut the little cunt into a coma, I have to smile sweetly and through gritted teeth growl “I am sorry you are an empty headed old cunt. I am sorry you also have not the common sense most people are born with. If you didn’t want the kettle/toaster/sarnie grill you have tried to return because you suddenly realised it was bright pink and your kitchen is a tasteful beige then you shouldn’t have filled it with water/breadcrumbs/paninni and then expected a refund. If you cannot understand why I will NOT give you your money back then oh well. This stuff REALLY winds me up. REALLY.!!!

Grrrrrrr.

The curry tonight was courtesy of Jamal. That is the new curry house along Orchard Street that used to be called Cookies (why call a curry place Cookies.??? That is a little like calling your chinese takeaway “Ginger Nuts”). All in all not a bad curry. The lamb tikka was not quite as tender as Surma but still very tasty. The vindaloo was a little on the cool side but made up for it in sheer volume of flavour and the lime pickle, one of the three things I gauge a curry seller on (the other two being Chicken Kharai/Korai and the Lamb Tikka)) was a little salty. Great food though. Do be warned the service could have been quicker and the credit card facility was not available.

In contrast, New Harbour Chinese on Mead Vale have managed delivery times of around 12 minutes for my orders to my house recently.! Impressed I am.!!!

Cleaned Lulu out earlier. She had spent days getting her bed juuuuust right in the corner of her cage, but along comes her adopted Daddy and he tidied the place up, washed everything clean and took away all her neatly stored old food. Tch, ain’t I a stinker, as Bugs Bunny used to say.

Hmmmm, talking about Bugs, is it just me that considers him to be one of the most perfect cartoon characters of all time.?

You know when your room looks like a tornado has been through a trailer park on a US TV show… the destruction wrought far and wide. Rubbish everywhere, piles of clothing and bricks. Well that is what my room looks like.! Some people are just prone to creating a chaotic landscape where ever they go. And no it wasn’t me.!

Monday, Day 1, Shift 2, Week 20. That is the offical title of today’s blog instead of my randomness which appears in big black letters above this entry. Sometimes they do mean stuff but today is one of those “look around room for inspiration” types of things.

Lulu is well, before you ask. She is too hot in her house and is now camping out under the food bowl shelf, a big nest of fluff and wood shavings keeping her in place. She is soooooo cute.! We have been making sure she gets plenty of attention and gets used to being handled. Auntie Tokyo has found she also has hands too small to cope with Lulu and her exploration of interesting places about the room meaning I have to keep a close eye out. She did end up crawling through my T-shirt last night which bloody tickled (Lulu that is, not Tokyo, hehe).

Hasn’t it been a bit warm today.?! Almost melted my shirt and trousers. I was going to wear shorts but I thought it might scare the customers away. Hehe, just imagine them fleeing in shock at the sight of my knees. Not like Chuckie’s knees… wow. Mmmmmm.

I have changed my mind about the whole “stand away from counter when customer is on her bloody mobile” stance. From now on I shall just rabbit on happily whether you like it or not. Let’s face it, when I am reading something off my till it is purely to make sure I am not going to get a bollocking when you turn around and complain the camera you are buying is actually bright pink and you simply haven’t listened. I couldn’t give a toss if you listen, but if you then moan at me and tell me you didn’t realise it was not the phone you wanted (two recent Indian gents please take note to this as you both didn’t listen) then unlucky. If you are on the mobile and I shout “look out I am about to maim you hideously with these two large king prawns and a bottle of soy sauce” then if you end up with the appearence of a Kung Pao King Prawn I could not give less of a monkey’s toss. So heyho, let us all talk over your horribly stupid phone conversation and my Satan make it louder than that slag you are chatting to about having caught herpes from that drunk guy on Friday night.

On another note, well done Mr Hamilton for a fine second place on Sunday. What a move on Massa.!!! Brilliant racing and so close for first, just missed it by five seconds. Next year we have slicks to look forward to, I just hope they remove the stupid “everyone has to use both types of tyre” rule. Why limit all teams to using a tyre they don’t like for a third of the race. It is rather daft.

Did anyone see that guy who had his car “off the road” and was a good boy, played it by the book via the DVLC and got an off road certificate (SORN). You see, his son’s car was on his driveway. It happened to overhang the pavement by no more than two inches. It caused no blockage unlike most cars you see parked half on the pavement half on the road. It was legally parked on his land and just the bumper poked out a little more than necessary. So up turns the DVLC in their little van and they clamp him. Totally livid with rage he does the only sane thing when the assholes who run that place start on one of their stupid little binges… he angle ground the car in to two halves. He then offers the back half to the DVLC and suggests they tow that.

Brilliant.! The daft morons that run the DVLC then had the sheer white faced cheek to say “he over reacted”. What.??? I am sorry… did I hear you correctly.? You clamped him for two inches too much car and then tell him to pay you £200 odd quid and then have the audacity to say that.!? I hope you all end up fisted by Edward Scissorhands.!

Hmmmm, you know it’s time to hoover your carpet when… you drop a bit of cheese and it becomes unfit for human consumption. Not even the three second rule could save that lump of Double Gloucester.! Odd supper this… Mackerel, two colours of raw chilli, cheese with chives and crackers. Odd but tasty I might add.!

It is rather odd writing a blog at 10pm on a Saturday night. I was going to go out but I am so shattered from last night and going into work early without needing to that I couldn’t be arsed. So here I sit, watching M*A*S*H and listening to the sound of Lulu attempting to eat her cage from the inside.

Was a great night last night, I think I made a couple of new friends, watched two drunken strippers dancing… badly… and laughed at Tokyo and Chili drunkenly singing in Monte Carlo’s whilst buying chips. Tonight I get the bed to myself to fall asleep in and still no lie in because I have to be in work at 9.30am tomorrow morning. Dammit.!!!

Oh well. I did buy Sims 2 earlier though so I am sure that will keep me entertained until I fall asleep, hamster permitting, but I could do with finishing off putting my railway stuff back in the boxes and climbing into bed already.!

I might add more to this in a bit… but right now i actually have nothing to say, hehe. Enjoy your night people.!!

I would like to introduce you to a new little light in my life… she is small, cute, very inquisitive and very lively…

We are very proud to present Lucrezia (Already I have shortened it to Lulu)…

Mother and hamster are doing very well.

I thought I would bang in a quick one before I go bathe myself into a steamy mulch in the tub and then head into town to fill myself stupidly full on chinese with Chili… now where shall we begin.?

Boris Johnson got in as Mayor of ‘Ole London Town then. Should be a very interesting thing to watch. He will either actually make a difference or balls it up so badly that the townsfolk will drag him to Traitor’s Gate and chop his blonde, fluffy bonce off.! Glad Red Ken has been ousted more than anything. That cheerily spooky face and that horrid voice always made me want to remove his legs with a rusty bread knife.

Advertisers on TV have thankfully been told off about using compressed soundtracks to their ads which means Fluffy hits the mute button everytime the break starts. I can only assume the same people who used to do the sound checks on Top of the Pops now work for various ad agencys across the UK and are not only tone deaf but stupid as well. I have my TV turned down very low, my hearing is excellent, but even I end up knocking it down a bit more when an advert appears. Why do it.? Why.?? How would you like it if I came round your house and fiddled with the volume on everything each time you went to bed… Imagine getting up in the morning to find I had made the ping on the microwave so loud it shattered your kitchen window everytime the Super Noodles finished cooking. Perhaps I should ramp up the fan on your PC to make you believe you are being repeatedly buzzed by three squadrons of Spitfires. Or maybe I could change the noise your clock makes so each tick is like the sound of a very fat dead man in hob nail boots WALKING ON YOUR FUCKING GRAVE.

*Breathes*

Victoria Wood is marvellous isn’t she.? So much amusement from one so small. Be it stand up, Dinnerladies or her sketch shows she just sets herself one step above other comediennes by just actually being funny and taking jokes other people would consider rather “under the radar” and makes them work. How many times would you laugh if Ricky Gervais started saying things about Nylon or bicycle clips.??? Not many I would be willing to bet.

*****LATE NEWS*****

I am home, too hot, full of chinese and with company… enjoy