Well since about 7pm on Friday night my bottom has decided to take my life in it’s hands. I thought it was a dodgy sausage roll, but it would appear not. Following laaaarge stomach cramps an on-rush of fizzy gravy has cascaded out of my backside at regular intervals (TWICE during one episode of Friends this morning, thank god I wasn’t in work) and the occasional sound from my nether regions of what must be the same aural delights of Nestle making Aero bars.

One and a half hours of on and off sleep also made it even better this morning when I awoke to text my boss and explain that due to severe butt related stress disorder I would be unable to drag my carcass into the shop. I feel guilty but unless they are willing to provide me with a downstairs loo or a pair of trousers with a built in toilet roll holder they will have to cope without me.

Right now I am slowly draining a large glass of water so as to extract the massive dehydration headache I have from the illness equation. Trouble is, the more fluid I drink the faster my bubbly bottom desires to repel it against the ceramic of the toilet bowl like a garden shredder chewing on a large pack of watery beef burgers. I count five trips to the loo so far today, 4 of them before 12pm and I only got up at 10 o’clock.!!! Where this has all come from I can only guess. It is surely not food poisoning, because usually that rips ur ring out and throws it around the room. Guess it can only be a stomach bug, the like of which decimated our workplace over Christmas but I managed to avoid it.

Weirdly enough I haven’t thrown up though, although sitting on the floor with Lemony rubbing my back whilst almost throwing up wasn’t far off (with mucho gracis to her for looking after me yesterday).

And now I feel a little grumbling lower down… so I shall depart here and make noises something akin to the sounds of a duck drowning in a bucket of treacle.

Six visits.!? I better consider change of address cards.

*****LATE NEWS*****

Well I am feeling a little heavier. My bottom has ceased to be the choccy milkshake machine it had so suddenly become. My headache remains and I am feeling horribly run down, but a day of rest and a good night’s sleep should sort that out.

I am a little annoyed though. Lost a game of University Challenge against my Mother by half a point… I missed out on a very easy question that I should have really got instantly, dammit. Neutrino AND positron exit a decaying particle. Arse.

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