A 5.2 on the scale of Richter.? Is that all this country can ever muster.? Well that’s rather lame. How on earth did it cause £30 million worth of damage though, it was Lincolnshire after all. I think the only damage was to a plate of sausages that were once sniffed by Queen Victoria. Kinda odd though. My last experience of the earth moving was when one back in the 1980s rolled my boiled egg off the breakfast bar… which got blamed on my brother until the evening’s news came on.

So today I spent the last hour and a half sitting on a fridge, waiting and praying for someone to ask me the obvious “Why are you sitting on a fridge.?” question PURELY so I could reply “Just chillin’”. Sadly no one did but I was laughing at my own jokes anyway (usually because I am the only one actually laughing).

I am suffering horribly from the dust off of my steering wheel which connects to my pc. Damn thing was plastered with it when I got it down to have a drive on FIA GT Racing and I stupidly didn’t open the window when I wiped it off. So now I have a runny nose to join my runny brain and a painful throat. Dammit. But now i sit here waiting for Lemony to appear so I can drink copious amounts of John Smiths beer in preparation for tomorrow night’s little drinking session. Need to find a way to drink more and not throw up again.!!!

Any ideas.???

(And Hwang are you joining us or am I going to have to cut you.? .)

So AOHELL/TalkTalk (Crap-phone Whorehouse) have so lost the plot now that since 2am Saturday morning half the internet is totally inaccessible to me. Youtube.com, for instance, won’t open, a lot of other sites are exactly the same, and all because TalkTalk’s servers cannot resolve the DNS properly and so I have to go through Proxy servers to try and access things.

To be honest I know it isn’t just me. Most people on the TalkTalk network are screwed by this failure to provide a decent service. One guy called Mick (who I assume was Irish, hehe) offered me a month free as compensation. What a great idea, ANOTHER month with a company that won’t let me use the net properly. DO NOT USE TALK TALK. They are incompetant and their technical support is so bad that the phrase “this router is fine, so is the other one, THE PROBLEM IS YOUR’S” was met with the comment “You have a problem with your phone line”. No I fucking well don’t you retard, YOU have a fucked up system that you are not sorting out fast enough.

Rant over… but as a side note… my bottom is killing me after all those chillies.! Was like molten lava pouring out of my poor little ring this morning. Thought my arse hair might actually ignite.!

Choccy pud anyone.?

What is it about pickled slices of Jalapeno chilli pepper that I love so much…? I’m eating the damn things like there is no tomorrow.! Their subtle taste and over-riding hot and fiery adrenalin packing punch just keeps my fingers dipping into the jar. The only thing I have to be careful of is forgetting to wash my hands before I go to the loo, otherwise most of the South West will hear my screams.

End of another week. Less than THREE WEEKS to go to the first practice session for the Aussie Grand Prix. My stomach is already doing little loops as I wait for those lights to go out and signal the start of the 2008 season. The tension I feel at the start of a race is unlike anything else that my body ever feels. Even more so than the aforementioned chillies.

The little comment by Sue on my previous blog about the Argentinian Roman Catholic girl who has banged out a baby at 14 three more at 15 and another set of three at 16.! PLUS she is getting fertility treatment (fuck knows why).!!! Now I could rattle on for a fair few paragraphs about this but then I stood back, took in the wide view and remembered she lives in South America, so A, I don’t care, B, they will probably die soon anyway and C, if not, then at least Buenos Aries gets a few more prozzies and rent boys.

Oh now how about a little run down of the search hits from the past few weeks…

“dialbb.com” and a fair few other hits relating to the fact that AOL are a bunch of arse ramming uncle fuckers, that TALK TALK IS UTTER SHIT and indian people should NOT be allowed to answer phones to people who live in England. I cannot understand you, Mr Mumbai, because although you speak English your accent is Pakistani. You should be in a field with some mangy looking cattle not pissing me off because the nearest you got to a computer before you got your current job was when your son stole a calculator and got the lash. No I am not being racist, I can’t understand Scouse accents either. Or the Scots.

“weston super mare girls who need to be fucked” I believe the better search term would be “weston super mare girls who need to be murdered on their doorsteps and their corpses fucked by their drugged up ex-boyfriends”. If you need a smaller search return then I suggest using “weston super mare girls who have never been fucked”… talk about a googlewhack.!

“acl operation waiting list weston super mare” Wow, not only is the new bus company around Weston good at the whole transport thing but they are operating on people as well. Oh and that new bus firm running from the Bournville to the Town Centre (surely the other way as a one way ticket is preferable to most people) are running a half cab Routemaster bus.! Odd.

“my salami wrapping has expanded is it safe to eat” Depends. Are you going to scoff the sausage or the wrapper. Rather than sit there staring at the rapidly inflating salami package, why not open it and have a sniff. If it reeks like someone has hollowed out the inside and shat in it then it’s probably fine.

“tonight trevor macdonald itv praying on singles internet” Get the feeling someone has met a woman online and is suddenly worried about that Adam’s apple she has.

“Kayleigh needs weston super mare” If it the same one I know then “Kayleigh needs liposuction and birth control” would be more appropriate.

“ruined fannies” Oh god. Imagine the destruction.! Sweaty fish sauce everywhere.!

“hot wet teen cunts” For users reading about Sally Anne Bowman replace “hot” with “still warm”.

“alastair darling is a cunt” Awww I remember the days when it said Gordon Brown or Tony Blair. How times change.

“internal view of fannies full of spunk” Oh that made me laugh. The fact that someone actually clicked my site makes me wonder what their reaction was when they saw a collection of photos of me myspacing it up, Hwang looking wrecked, various tit piccies of my friends and that photo of Jonny staked out in the middle of the camping field.

“tomsk bagel pencil” Womble, bread product, pen. Ok I don’t get it. Enlighten me someone PLEASE.!!!

“does tonsilitus come with a rash” Oh dear… I have news for you mate. You have glandular fever almost certainly. Does that rash itch.? Give it three days and THEN see how much pain you are in.!!!

“Ian’s a cunt” Hwang.? Karl.? Monkey.? Well it’s usually one of you three.!

Oh isn’t it so nice to get back to the old search tags. Oh I got myself a new phone by the way. If any of you need to contact me and don’t have my temporary number then please send me a text to the old one and I will let u know it.

*Harry Hills* SAUSSS-A-GEEEEEEES.

Oh and if anyone wants me, I shall be hanging around Bridgend. Ahem.

Isn’t it weird how the world goes in little cycles. Looking back through my blog for a year ago I noticed that Mohamed al “Bloody Foreigner” Fayed called Prince Phillip a Nazi. This week he has done exactly the same only this time in court rather than on Radio Two. Ten years of him gathering evidence for the most ridiculously pointless wast of taxpayers money in history and he still has bugger all to prove Diana died of anything other than a nasty case of pillar. Just imagine what would have happened if he had been related to the Lucan’s or the Kennedy’s.?! That wouldn’t have been pretty.

The Download line up is still a big pile of shit apart from Coheed and Cambria. Still nothing pushing me to go except for spending time with Pouty, Monkey, Hwang etc and having a laugh outside of Hobbits. Plus by proxy I get the feeling I would be camping with the infamous gullible twat as well. So no. Sod it. I shall save £300 and put a tent up in my back garden, slap on my mp3 player and air guitar “Welcome Home” to my heart’s delight.

Well maybe I should add in a pros and cons list…

For:- the fun aspect, my friends, a bit of fresh air and camping joy, Coheed, a little light drinking, the planes (yes, I do like them, not exactly a surprise).

Against:- ‘It’, the feeling of unclean, those damn toilets, my bad stomach, not getting any sleep, uncomfortable weather (be it hot or wet), carrying all that stuff 2 miles, the iffy, sitting on the bloody floor.

Hmmmmm, doesn’t weigh up that well does it.

Foxy FUCKING Bingo. What a cunt. Irritating sponsor of the Jeremy Kyle show. Ok, I understand the show is aimed at housewives, the unemployed and the lazy bastards benefit scroungers all who would give up their flabby right arms for a pen with a cross on the end and a load of balls with numbers stamped on them but why do the rest of us have to put up with the sound of someone from Yorkshire dressed up as hunt fodder talking shite. Have you seen the class of person who plays bingo.??? Talk about bottom end of the food chain, I would have to do an impersonation of a gibbon just to communicate with most of them.!

And as Jeremy Kyle brings itself to a close… as I watch a 20 stone wife beater who should end up in prison being buggered by a 30 stone wing king… I think to myself…

What a wonderful woooooooorrrllllld. Ooooohhhhh yeeeaaaahhhhhhh.

Well since about 7pm on Friday night my bottom has decided to take my life in it’s hands. I thought it was a dodgy sausage roll, but it would appear not. Following laaaarge stomach cramps an on-rush of fizzy gravy has cascaded out of my backside at regular intervals (TWICE during one episode of Friends this morning, thank god I wasn’t in work) and the occasional sound from my nether regions of what must be the same aural delights of Nestle making Aero bars.

One and a half hours of on and off sleep also made it even better this morning when I awoke to text my boss and explain that due to severe butt related stress disorder I would be unable to drag my carcass into the shop. I feel guilty but unless they are willing to provide me with a downstairs loo or a pair of trousers with a built in toilet roll holder they will have to cope without me.

Right now I am slowly draining a large glass of water so as to extract the massive dehydration headache I have from the illness equation. Trouble is, the more fluid I drink the faster my bubbly bottom desires to repel it against the ceramic of the toilet bowl like a garden shredder chewing on a large pack of watery beef burgers. I count five trips to the loo so far today, 4 of them before 12pm and I only got up at 10 o’clock.!!! Where this has all come from I can only guess. It is surely not food poisoning, because usually that rips ur ring out and throws it around the room. Guess it can only be a stomach bug, the like of which decimated our workplace over Christmas but I managed to avoid it.

Weirdly enough I haven’t thrown up though, although sitting on the floor with Lemony rubbing my back whilst almost throwing up wasn’t far off (with mucho gracis to her for looking after me yesterday).

And now I feel a little grumbling lower down… so I shall depart here and make noises something akin to the sounds of a duck drowning in a bucket of treacle.

Six visits.!? I better consider change of address cards.

*****LATE NEWS*****

Well I am feeling a little heavier. My bottom has ceased to be the choccy milkshake machine it had so suddenly become. My headache remains and I am feeling horribly run down, but a day of rest and a good night’s sleep should sort that out.

I am a little annoyed though. Lost a game of University Challenge against my Mother by half a point… I missed out on a very easy question that I should have really got instantly, dammit. Neutrino AND positron exit a decaying particle. Arse.

Hmmmmm. You know when people are a bit daft. When they fail to notice that they are taking the piss out of something without having realised they are pretty much in the same place. Like when someone laughs at you for having spinach stuck twixt molar and canine and they have failed to notice the fact they have half a bowl of lettuce caught in their dinner manglers. Or maybe giggling at someone because they are wearing a pair of bad socks despite the obvious evidence that they have not only forgotten to put on a matching pair but they have also omitted one shoe as well…

Well let me put this to you. If you happen to be a Spanish F1 fan and simply loooove that monstrous looking driver they call Alonso, but you don’t think Mr Hamilton is all that nice… why are you shouting racist abuse about his colour.?

Not wishing to open the window and point out the bloody obvious but most of you Spaniards are also a funny colour.! Now look. I personally hope you keep giving it plenty on the racism side and eventually lose the Spanish Grand Prix altogether. I HATE the Barcelona track, DETEST the races there and wish they would go back to using Brand’s Hatch or Le Mans, both tracks with plenty of overtaking chances. So good luck boys, get on with it and let us pray it kills off F1 in Spain altogether. Also when you have done that, can you do the same thing to the French Grand Prix because frankly the Magny-Cours track is a total waste of time and processional races appear only there, Barcelona and Imola… Imola has thankfully fucked off already.

*Columbo style* Oh and one last thing. *end of Columbo style*
Taking the piss out of a black dude when you are also coloured, but maybe that’s because you aren’t just mixed race, just fucking dirty cunts.

Right peeps, listen up…

Those of you who, like me, are stupid enough to be on AOL broadband, have now probably all been switched to Carphone Whorehouse’s systems. Now this probably means you are being shafted up and down a dwarf’s arse sideways by the fact you keep getting dropped connections.

Having spoken to one of the muppets who works for AOL live:help, who kept asking me questions I told him had nowt to do with the problem, cock monkey, it turns out that your aol username needs to be altered from stupidhairycunt@aol.com to stupidhairycunt@dialbb.com. Oh and you also need to stuff in a different MTU size (1400), swap from PPPoA to PPPoE, stick in ur new details and change from VC based to LLU based.

Now whether it all works we shall see, it IS aol of course and I only get 4Mbit when I pay for 8MBit.. exchange distance perhaps.?

Hope that helps.!