Well I have a week off (Wooooooooooooooo – audience). So what have I decided to do… well sod all to be honest.
I have been watching the lovely Jeremy Kyle (who was called Jerry by some loud mouth slag yesterday much to my amusement). I will tell you one thing, that guy’s programme is basically a one hour advert for two things… condoms and death camps.
Not one single person on that show today should have been allowed to hit puberty let alone spawn more bloomin’ kids.! Half of them have been in prison, the other half can’t keep their legs together despite HATING their ex’s with such venom (but still porking them the night before the show). Well either start giving out those free jonnies or let’s take a leaf out of that nice Mr Hitler’s book (who, lets face it, had a bloody good idea when it came to treating the Polish (or is that too harsh maybe… “Pervert Pole Jumps Into Girl’s Bed”) maybe not) so maybe he could sort out the kind of scum that appear on the JK show.
It would be easy. Wait til Graham (who is SURELY gay… SURELY) takes them out the back (no not like that) and use him as a cunning subterfuge to stuff them screaming and kicking into an old dustbin lorry and dump them in the middle of an old RAF base (or local council estate) and start feeding in the Zyklon B. Of course I am only joking but seriously, these people just have lowered the entire country to the level of the Americans. Crime is rife, everyone is carrying a large knife/gun/backpack full of fertilizer and bleach/nuclear warhead, and what is Brown and Darling (”Come on Darling, we’re leaving”) doing.? They are both pissing around trying to stuff public money into the pockets of Richard Branson by slipping him the keys to Northern Rock and uttering the words “You have fucked up running Virgin Trains, something you had never done before, now try running a bank, which you have never attempted either. Just let us know when the arse falls out of it and don’t forget to keep all the money you make while we feed you full of taxpayers money”.
Bastards.
So in between watching that, gnashing furniture in fustration at the country and sorting out the old model railway, I have also been watching Time Team (”Ooooh arrr then Tony”) and early planting my hordes of chilli plants in readiness for the coming chinese season. Now I do like spicy foods… and this year I have slapped in a number of different chillies ranging from the mild (Poblana black/green chilli) to the surprisingly hot (Peach Habanero, toilet paper on stand-by in the fridge).
For the Habaneros… I will happily make someone a meal, as a prize for anyone who wishes to take up my chilli challenge. When and if the Habbies grow, if you can eat one of them, as they come, fresh from the stem, I will cook you that meal. Give me a shout at the usual address and I will set you up with one. Don’t worry I will reissue this challenge at a later date, possibly when the little darlings have grown. Oh just to warn you, they are even hotter if you starve them of both nutrients and liquid and I do forget to water them a lot.!
Now I do like my cooking, you all know that. So keep your books open because I may be inviting you to a little dinner party… or a barbeque, as a guinea pig guest, to try out my food. I do come with a high recommendation from Dunlop (the people at Michelin didn’t want to know apparently).
Well I am off to finish watching Jasper Carrott and sorting out where to plonk my points. Oh if anyone has a spare FNA Nuclear Flask wagon (I mean the OO gauge model and not the real thing, just in case any Muslims are reading this) or kit there of, I would happily take it off your hands (”I would gladly pay you Thursday for an FNA today).
Byyyyeeeee. And remember kids, don’t touch the grapes. They are wrath.
*****LATE NEWS*****
I was just having a gander at the Times Online (just those few simple words have instantly got you running for the rant shelters, yes.?) and noticed something.
A local Government Minister (local to what I don’t know, I assume a pub and a gay brothel, as he is a minister) named Mr John Healey has suggested that local “cunt”cils should go to town when it comes to charging people for the use of facilites in their area such as swimming pools, car parks and school meals. So when you get hosed by the high increases in council tax (I can’t be bothered to type “cunt”cil all the time so just assume they are all cunts) you will also get screwed by someone who earns four times more than you do and wants you to pay more to park your car for ten minutes just because HE thinks people WANT to pay more for something that is good quality. How in the name of Noel Edmonds’ beard can you have a good quality car park.???
Basically local services are a case of us being charged twice for everything. Council policy is to charge you to park where ever the bloody hell you are and if you don’t like that then you better get on the bus… or train… which are both run by Firstgroup. As Firstgroup are money grabbing bastards that claim they don’t make enough dosh to sort out the railways (but showed a six month profit in 2006 of £109 million then here we go with a few suggestions to save you money…
DO NOT EVER USE A BUS IN WESTON that has FIRST on the side. Use ACL instead they are cheaper, more reliable and turn up on time despite having only a fraction of the resources that First have.
NEVER get on a train to Bristol or Taunton from Weston-super-Mare station. Use Weston Milton and get off at Bedminster (as if the lazy bastard doesn’t check your ticket, it is a free ride, and Taunton has no ticket barriers).
PARK on road, there are NO traffic wardens around the town anymore so only the PCSOs, who appear about once every three months, don’t check your tickets and in the long run, you WILL save money.
DON’T go to Hutton Moor swimming baths, go to Churchill. It is cheaper, they don’t close the pool every two days for MR Brittas like reasons and the place is usually quiet and not full of single mother’s with their horrible offspring.
Of course any of the above that may be illegal I cannot condone, I would certainly never do such a thing as fare dodging, it’s a terrible thing to do. Ahem. But the rest are all totally necessary… let us get this revolution started.!
And always remember, if you stop an intruder, do them some serious damage and only phone the police if you HAVE to. It is your word against the person you slap so let us recite all together now “It was self defence”.