Well I suppose I had it coming sooner or later… after a fair few years of reasonable, trouble free broadband with the AOL company, their take over in the UK by Carphone Warehouse (Craphone Warehouse/Carphone Whorehouse – just want to make sure I hit all those search engine tags) has pretty much killed the dream. My IP addy changed to a Carphone Warehouse one the other day and since that point I have not been online for more than two hours without my system disconnecting, not running at the full rate it could… or sometimes just stopping for no apparent reason and requiring my router to be restarted. Sometimes EVE will run but WoW will, MSN throws a mental and gives up trying to connect on occasion and this is all the fault of those retards at the Carphone Warehouse. I phoned them up and moaned at them so they lowered my bill by a tenner, but then I realised I would be on a new 18 month contract and THAT, ladies and gents, was not going to happen.!!!

So to all of you who are looking to take up the offers from them regarding a free laptop (most of which have NOT been shipped despite the company promising them and taking money from accounts, according to a lot of websites) I would suggest steering WELL clear of anything the Cuntphone Shithouse people may have touched. Oh plus their use of indian tech support people is laughable, they are not able to understand the phrases “No I don’t want to stick with this contract because your service is useless” or “my dinner is on the table stop telling me about your bloody offers I want only to get off the stupid contract you are trying to foist upon me”.

STUPIDFUCKINGBASTARDS

And now something completely different, two little tickly news stories…

The first about the plane that was forced to make a landing in Ireland because the co-pilot had a nervous breakdown. Genius stuff that, how in hell was he fit to fly in the first place if he couldn’t wait to start gibbering like a madman and proclaiming himself to be Good Queen Bess only a couple of hours into the flight.!

Secondly, Ryanair have been moaned at, but thankfully refused to apologise for the ad they ran in a lot of newspapers the other day.

Hmmmmm, that doesn’t seem too bad, does it.? Now I have to admit I detest the fact that I am defending an airline (although I am glad it isn’t British Airways) but in this case I think it requires a little upholding. The ASA have said they recieved THIRTEEN complaints about the image because “the “irresponsible” image appeared to link teenage girls with sexually provocative behaviour”.

Well I have mentioned before that schoolgirls nowadays do dress differently to the ladies I went to school with (when I say ladies, consider my school and assume I don’t entirely mean it). But then again this old school uniform style of thing is ancient. Think about the original St. Trinians films in the 1960’s for instance.

The girl in the image is clearly over 18, it doesn’t say “I am a child, bugger me”, it says “I am an adult, in a school uniform, bugger me” (oh my word am I going to get a lot of hits for today’s blog, hehehe). In this case the ASA is VERY wrong…

…actually, good point, when I think of a school uniformed person I don’t think of a child in one, or even Britney Spears. I think of a friends birthday party in the function room at Senioritas a few years ago. The sight of Hwang in his school uniform certainly DID NOT make me even slightly aroused. I think it was the shorts that did (or rather didn’t) do it for me. That image is on my site somewhere… anyone seen it.?

Oh there it is.

Wednesday… another day off, a successful meal cooked for Lemony (my first Italian meal and that is saying something, as I usually detest pasta) and a few more sidings connected on the old layout.

On another note, who in the hell is Heath Ledger (part of the audit team over at the Department for the Environment I assume).? Some random Australian actor dies and suddenly everyone is very sad. *Puts hand up* Me Miss…. I’m not.!

Talking of the slow death of celebrities, Amy Winehouse and her little video made an interesting bit of reading in the paper yesterday. I really cannot understand people like her. Slight bit of money and stress from being famous and it’s out with the pipe and down with the tablets. Why.??? Some people blame it on the problems of being famous, well if that IS the problem then stop writing songs and retire. Either way, stop courting the press and making things worse for yourself and the rest of us…

…and on the subject of courting the press… what the hell is Britney Spears up to.!? First off, dating a Brummie, is that a good idea. Surely there is a bit of a language barrier there between a trailer park home US twang and the nasal snort of “Alroight Brit-noi, hows yaoow douuing.” Rumours fly today that she is back with this mid-country weirdo (and if you think he is odd, look what his ex-wife says, she is a bloody nutter). All seems like another desperate bit of attention seeking from one of the now fallen stars of the late 1990s. Lets hope she releases that all important first porn movie sometime soon… any suggestions for titles.? I could only conjour up “Fuck Me Baby One More Time”, “Oops, I Did Him Again” or “Sometimes (I Take It Up The Ring From A Man Called Bruce Who I Don’t Know But He Has A Bushy Moustache)”. Ahem.

David Attenborough (who I am currently watching on the fabulous Life In The Undergrowth DVD) has hit back at the BBC, who have been trying desperately to cull off as many people as possible from all the different departments to save money (so ensuring a massive bonus for the top management I would assume). He has pointed out that there is going to be a real problem with losing so many talented people from the various film units, especially the nature side of things, that the quality of the programmes themselves is going to sugger terribly.

So now Mr Attenborough has sadly retired, the new look BBC nature output could look like this… Dermot O’Leary, in a shed, with a video camera he borrowed off a next door neighbour, checking out the woodlice. Or Jordan, checking out the wildlife in her pubes. Lovely.

On the note of overpaid stupid people, or high level management such as the DG of the BBC, or the bloke who runs Firstgroup, thankfully it has been found, the more you are paid in your job, the more you drink, so the quicker you die. Knowing the salary and bonuses that Mr Firstgroup makes I am hoping he will be dropping off the perch via a massive bottle of cognac anytime soon.!

The news in shorts now (oooh look at those white, stringy legs o’mine)…

The Italian government is on the breach of collapse. Apparently there are a line of tanks outside the main offices, all ready to take away important people… all in reverse.

Russia is moaning because people who had their pictures stolen from them back in 1917 in the middle of the revolution, now want compensation of their pictures back. Greece has jumped on the bandwagon and wants the Elgin Marbles back. And I say give ‘em to them.. preferably from the bomb bay of a large bomber, from 35,000 feet up.

Japan has been forced to stop whale hunting in the sea near Australia. It says “we did it during the war so why can’t we now”… if that is the rule then we will be expecting nuclear raids on the Japanese mainland in a week or so.

Cooking classes are being brought back into the school curriculum. Which means MORE little 16 year old single mothers cooking their OWN chips in their council houses and setting themselves alight… so a good idea all round I think.

Oooh what a gay day.! Any one up for a little WoW.?

Well I have a week off (Wooooooooooooooo – audience). So what have I decided to do… well sod all to be honest.

I have been watching the lovely Jeremy Kyle (who was called Jerry by some loud mouth slag yesterday much to my amusement). I will tell you one thing, that guy’s programme is basically a one hour advert for two things… condoms and death camps.

Not one single person on that show today should have been allowed to hit puberty let alone spawn more bloomin’ kids.! Half of them have been in prison, the other half can’t keep their legs together despite HATING their ex’s with such venom (but still porking them the night before the show). Well either start giving out those free jonnies or let’s take a leaf out of that nice Mr Hitler’s book (who, lets face it, had a bloody good idea when it came to treating the Polish (or is that too harsh maybe… “Pervert Pole Jumps Into Girl’s Bed”) maybe not) so maybe he could sort out the kind of scum that appear on the JK show.

It would be easy. Wait til Graham (who is SURELY gay… SURELY) takes them out the back (no not like that) and use him as a cunning subterfuge to stuff them screaming and kicking into an old dustbin lorry and dump them in the middle of an old RAF base (or local council estate) and start feeding in the Zyklon B. Of course I am only joking but seriously, these people just have lowered the entire country to the level of the Americans. Crime is rife, everyone is carrying a large knife/gun/backpack full of fertilizer and bleach/nuclear warhead, and what is Brown and Darling (”Come on Darling, we’re leaving”) doing.? They are both pissing around trying to stuff public money into the pockets of Richard Branson by slipping him the keys to Northern Rock and uttering the words “You have fucked up running Virgin Trains, something you had never done before, now try running a bank, which you have never attempted either. Just let us know when the arse falls out of it and don’t forget to keep all the money you make while we feed you full of taxpayers money”.

Bastards.

So in between watching that, gnashing furniture in fustration at the country and sorting out the old model railway, I have also been watching Time Team (”Ooooh arrr then Tony”) and early planting my hordes of chilli plants in readiness for the coming chinese season. Now I do like spicy foods… and this year I have slapped in a number of different chillies ranging from the mild (Poblana black/green chilli) to the surprisingly hot (Peach Habanero, toilet paper on stand-by in the fridge).

For the Habaneros… I will happily make someone a meal, as a prize for anyone who wishes to take up my chilli challenge. When and if the Habbies grow, if you can eat one of them, as they come, fresh from the stem, I will cook you that meal. Give me a shout at the usual address and I will set you up with one. Don’t worry I will reissue this challenge at a later date, possibly when the little darlings have grown. Oh just to warn you, they are even hotter if you starve them of both nutrients and liquid and I do forget to water them a lot.!

Now I do like my cooking, you all know that. So keep your books open because I may be inviting you to a little dinner party… or a barbeque, as a guinea pig guest, to try out my food. I do come with a high recommendation from Dunlop (the people at Michelin didn’t want to know apparently).

Well I am off to finish watching Jasper Carrott and sorting out where to plonk my points. Oh if anyone has a spare FNA Nuclear Flask wagon (I mean the OO gauge model and not the real thing, just in case any Muslims are reading this) or kit there of, I would happily take it off your hands (”I would gladly pay you Thursday for an FNA today).

Byyyyeeeee. And remember kids, don’t touch the grapes. They are wrath.

*****LATE NEWS*****

I was just having a gander at the Times Online (just those few simple words have instantly got you running for the rant shelters, yes.?) and noticed something.

A local Government Minister (local to what I don’t know, I assume a pub and a gay brothel, as he is a minister) named Mr John Healey has suggested that local “cunt”cils should go to town when it comes to charging people for the use of facilites in their area such as swimming pools, car parks and school meals. So when you get hosed by the high increases in council tax (I can’t be bothered to type “cunt”cil all the time so just assume they are all cunts) you will also get screwed by someone who earns four times more than you do and wants you to pay more to park your car for ten minutes just because HE thinks people WANT to pay more for something that is good quality. How in the name of Noel Edmonds’ beard can you have a good quality car park.???

Basically local services are a case of us being charged twice for everything. Council policy is to charge you to park where ever the bloody hell you are and if you don’t like that then you better get on the bus… or train… which are both run by Firstgroup. As Firstgroup are money grabbing bastards that claim they don’t make enough dosh to sort out the railways (but showed a six month profit in 2006 of £109 million then here we go with a few suggestions to save you money…

DO NOT EVER USE A BUS IN WESTON that has FIRST on the side. Use ACL instead they are cheaper, more reliable and turn up on time despite having only a fraction of the resources that First have.
NEVER get on a train to Bristol or Taunton from Weston-super-Mare station. Use Weston Milton and get off at Bedminster (as if the lazy bastard doesn’t check your ticket, it is a free ride, and Taunton has no ticket barriers).
PARK on road, there are NO traffic wardens around the town anymore so only the PCSOs, who appear about once every three months, don’t check your tickets and in the long run, you WILL save money.
DON’T go to Hutton Moor swimming baths, go to Churchill. It is cheaper, they don’t close the pool every two days for MR Brittas like reasons and the place is usually quiet and not full of single mother’s with their horrible offspring.

Of course any of the above that may be illegal I cannot condone, I would certainly never do such a thing as fare dodging, it’s a terrible thing to do. Ahem. But the rest are all totally necessary… let us get this revolution started.!

And always remember, if you stop an intruder, do them some serious damage and only phone the police if you HAVE to. It is your word against the person you slap so let us recite all together now “It was self defence”.

How in the name of Satan’s anus did Leslie “Trout Face” Ash manage to squeeze £5million out of the NHS.!? I was assuming it was to apologise for making her face look like that big fish that leaps out of the water and chases Stingray, but no. It was, in fact, for making her seriously ill and almost knocking her off.

But hang on… FIVE MILLION for a ‘B’ list celeb who doesn’t look half as good as she used to (due to those “lips of grief”).? That can’t be right… She had a nasty dose of MRSA, the fault of the hospital, so she should have compensation.

Errr no. She had MSSA, a common ailment that most of us carry around on our skin in the same manner that most people also carry the virus that causes meningitis around in their throats (or glandular fever, hehe). Ok, she was still very ill and almost died, but her compensation was linked to her earnings.

You WHAT.??? Ok give her a few thousand to cover the bills for a few months but she isn’t exactly strapped for cash.! Everytime someone buys a copy of Men Behaving Badly she gets a small donation from the BBC into her bank account and she must have made a fair amount from those bloody B&Q adverts, all the rest of us got were nightmares and a desire to punch Neil Morrisey in the face.

I had two parcels arrive yesterday. They both contained a video, one from 1988 and one from 1989, of the British Touring Car Championship.

Six hours of motor sport… and I greedily watched the whole bally lot in one sitting… and then ordered the 1990 season.!

Dear me… it was some of the best racing I have ever seen. No wings. No electronics. Gated gearbox layouts. Four classes of car from the top (500bhp Ford RS Sierra Cosworths), down through the 2.3litre BMWs to the little 1600cc Ford Escort and Golf classes. Nowadays the bland downforced obsessed world has ruined touring car (thanks to the bloody Italians who introduced wings back in 1994). Yes it is still close, exciting and lots of people destroy their cars on a regular basis, but for sheer pleasure at watching a group of men wringing the neck of a 155mph family saloon along the back straight at Snetterton, or winding the thing into the complex at Thruxton, then the turbo Cossie era takes it by a long, long way.

Watching as the power goes down through those two huge rear tyres and the car squirms along the tarmac, drifting into the corners and sliding under braking, it is pure, manly pleasure with a capital EEEEOOOOWWW.

And the best way to complete a video like that… commentary by Murray Walker in all his over-excited and “getting it a bit wrong” best.

Fan-bloody-tastic.

I had a wonderful time listening to the sound of Elvis giving a live performance today from his deathbed in the USA. What a performance for a guy who has been laid out for over 30 years. Then I bumped into Pope John Paul the Ninth and we had a few games of pool and a couple of drinks… and THEN I heard on the radio that they are going to make a film all about Maddie McCann…

…Hmmmmm.

Now whilst two of those items are obviously creations of my warped and twisted mind. The other is a shocking news story which was deemed worthy of inclusion on a major news bulletin.

What in the name of giddy fuck are they thinking. A major entertainment company has contaced the McCann family wanting to portray the “snatch of a four year old girl” (ahem, couldn’t resist that) from an Iberian holiday park. Surely that is going to be a film that defies the barriers of taste and decency almost as much as that video of Jim Davidson fisting Great Uncle Bulgaria from the Wombles.!

When is it going to end.??? What next Tales of the Birmingham Six.? Jamie Bulger, I Did It Their Way.???

Yes tragic, blah blah, child gone, yes, yes… but why inflict this on the rest of us.? If you two McCann’s want to go off chasing rainbows then fine but leave the public out of it.

Milk tray anybody.?

Due to the excessive hang over I am still having, this blog is being typed using SoftType(©) finger tip covers.

Why did I drink that last Sambuca.?? Or the first two tequilas. Still not feeling right, but that may be ascribed to the chilli sauce in that kebab wrap I had last night. Two curries, chilli sauce kebab and my new recipe for stuffed peppers… my poor, POOR bottom.!

2008 is certainly off with a swing, was a great night out last night, despite the weather, with Lemony, Pouty, Hwang, Chris, two Kittens, my bro, Mel, Stoney, Nat and all the gang. Started off a little slow but Hobbits felt good again. Sexy Dave appeared and so did Mark (who joined me for a very bad dance to The Suffering). Danced with Pouty to Poem and Bartender… I must have been drunk because I awake with the certain knowledge that my dancing was first rate… a definate sign I have been a little heavy on the spirits. Was a weird night as I didn’t smoke either so that did save me from standing in the cold freezing my tits off.

One definate advantage of stopping the smoking thing is that now Mr Brown and that big eyebrowed twat, Alistair Darling (the dopey cunt who helped ruin our railways) now get £10 a week LESS from me than before. If we all give up smoking it will completely fuck the Government up so let’s do it. I want to see them both on their knees BEGGING people to start buying fags again. What a shower of bastards, eh.?

Talking of a shower of bastards…

Firstbus have complained about all the people complaining about their whopping fare increases saying “we need the money to fund infrastructure/shareholder’s holidays/a new desk for the CEO”. They fail to point out their MASSIVE profits every year that keep going up and up and the fact that people actually HATE them. A letter in the Weston and Worle News the other day was busy praising ACL, the new and decent company that is running buses in the town. The phrase “no service has ever been more than two minutes late” is pretty marvellous to read.!

I am off back to World of Warcraft for a bit now… level 42 here I come.!

Is it really Wednesday already.? What a bizarre week. I have worked since Sunday and with Tuesday only being a six hour day, my poor brain is thinking it’s Monday.! Odd.

Have we all been enjoying those many Christmas presents over the past week or so.? I have put my two new buses on their shelf and learnt the route into London Paddington on an HST. Excellent.

Oooh talking of HST’s…

*Local viewers can switch off here*
Hornby have FINALLY announced a brand new HST power car for 2008.! I have been so looking forward to that. A little sad maybe.? Who cares. It is my highlight for 2008 already. Hehe. If you are good I will post the photos when I buy a couple.!

*Local viewers retune now*
I see a certain Police chief (the Anti-Driving Nazi from Wales) has decided to vocalise his thoughts on Ecstacy. Was he far of the mark in reality.? Who knows, but the guy really has as much tact as an Israeli air strike.

Those cheery people in Kenya don’t like cheats much do they.! For an African nation, a continent not far off the Americas for sheer scale of corruption (ooooh or Russia, HIIII Mr Putin, still running the place then I see), it seems more harsh than ever for the stuff going on.. like a peasant revolt and trust me, the peasants ARE revolting.! Ewwww.

Yes with socks. Primarily because I am wearing socks that have my name on the side and the wording “gentle, generous and kind” across the bottom. Debate that issue if you must but I think it is quite close to the mark.!

Sorry to everyone who wondered where I was last night… and also to those who knew, hehe. I have been really ill for a couple of days and it knocked my weekend out and my New Year too, and all over a mouth full of dust from a shelf full of ink cartridges. Not nice. If anyone wants any snotty gunk then I have plenty lying around.!

To cheer myself up I have purchased a lovely new 32 inch HDTV for a bargain price from work. I have never seen Felicity Kendal’s baps in The Good Life look better.! Way, and indeed, Hay.

I just had a quick read of Mr Cheek’s Awards for 2007. I used to do the same sort of thing based around music but I am sure you rememeber I have now cut it down purely to one song… the song of the year. The previous winners include Shakira, The Gorillaz and errr, well I can’t remember but surfice to say they were all classics. This year has been a bit easy in a way, but more complex than I expected. Normally when I hear a song I either love it or detest it, it takes a very short amount of noise in my ears to make up my mind and fix a tag of “oh God not that again” or “oooh like this one”.

Certain sounds make me listen to the same song over again due to the sheer fascination that they contain a fraction of a second of a sound I like. For instance, Fergi, that one from the Black Eyed Peas, her song “Big Girls Don’t Cry” is pretty dire but the bit where she sings “I hope you know, I hope you know” it has a certain edge to it that my big lug’oles prick up to. Or in The Suffering where the little twiddly bit on the guitar kicks in at 2 minutes 44 seconds (yes I just checked it against my copy) and leads into the second chorus, it instantly takes me back to Download 2006 every single time. Coheed and Cambria do seem to contain more areas of Fluffy Bunny pleasing music than any other band though. The half spoke, half sung backing vocals and most of their tracks are one of my favourite variations on the theme of getting as much into a song as humanly possible.

Now where was I.? Oh yes, song of the year etc. Well for a song that was stuck in my head for pretty much the whole summer, I think that I can only award it to the dark haired, brown skinned, Klingon foreheaded lady with the gold Ford Sierra…

yes that is correct, Rihanna and her Umbrella have poked their way into the top spot for 2007. It may have made me grind my teeth for a while but dancing with everyone to it, Lemony, Hwang, my bro, Dory, Karl, Alex, looooots of people, really made me laugh. Oh and I DID make a fiver out of that one night so it was certainly worth it.

So that is it for another year. I will be trying harder to write my blogs once more and we shall see what sort of weird hits I get in 2008… see you all at DownLoad 2008 BABY.!!! Wooooo.!

Have a very happy new year, the year of revolution… and of The Ham winning the F1 championship we shall hope.!

Enjoy.!!!