Well hasn’t it been quite a week. I have been so busy at work I thought my arse needed a broom just so I could sweep up as I went along.

Oh sorry about Wednesday night… I think Mark put way too much alcohol in those cocktails and boy did I find it all.! Sick as a very drunk dog I was. But it was fun up until the first moment of pukage so oh well.

So how much has gone on in the world since my last blog so I better have a round up…

Firstly good bye so long, stick it up your Spanish exhaust pipe to Mr Alonso who unsurprisingly has left the Mclaren Formula One team for pastures new. Apparently he didn’t get the preferential treatment he wanted and was out driven by a rookie in an identical car. *Waves*. See ya.!

Heather Mills went nuts on GMTV. She compared herself to the media equivalent of Princess Diana and Maddie McCann. Christ.! Look woman, you made your own bed now swing your false leg up and lie in it. Trying to take half of a man’s fortune that he has built up over many years is pure evil. Stop it.

Talking of Princess Diana I hear the Arctic Monkey’s are recording a tribute single… “I Bet That You Look Good On The Dashboard”. Marvellous.

And also Miss McCann. Gerry went back to work at the hospital where he has been on unpaid leave for the past six months, but still topping up the old mortgage from the Maddie Fund.

Oh and Sarah Kennedy on Radio Two was criticised for being racist because she moaned that black people need to smile when walking at night in dark clothing. That isn’t racism, the same as a polar bear is difficult to see in the snow, it is scientific fact. Bloody people whining about that sort of thing really pisses me off. Expect a rant in 3 to 4 days at a charge of £4.95 for however many rants you like.

Not been much of a week for news really has it. Except for the death of one very important historical figure. General Paul Tibbets. Heard of him.? Now I didn’t think you would have. He played a very significant part in world history flying a plane called the Enola Gay… Still nothing.? Well he was the pilot of the first plane to ever drop a nuclear bomb in anger on Japan back in 1945. Flying against Hiroshima as “Bockscar” flew against Nagasaki, he assisted in ending the second world war in the Asian theatre a lot sooner than would have happened with conventional bombing missions. The two nuclear bombs dropped caused a lot more panic and fear amongst the Japanese than the Tokyo fire raids but with far less casualties. Some say it was horrific and should never have been done but when you look at the disgraceful things the Nips were doing to their POWs you feel so much less guilt.

And now it’s time for a breakdown… *cue the middle bit of “Never Gonna Get It” by En Vogue*…

Alternatively I could slap up the search referers from last month… yes.?

Weeping sore – Oh nice. Someone got a little pus oozing from somewhere.?
Saddle sniffing – Pouty.? I am assuming this wasn’t you. Must be the leathery smell that does it.
Is Carol Vorderman the best wank on television – No, clearly it’s that bird from the Picture advert who’s family won’t shut the fuck up when she is on the bloody phone.
I hate Welsh speaking bastards – I don’t mind them too much, it’s the Northerners I tend to want to set fire to.
Dirty young slappers who take it up the arse – Well that doesn’t narrow it down much. We got a good supply around here… most of them in rehab.
Merseyside bouncy dome castles – A SCOUSE bouncy castle.? Well I guess their cheques bounce.
Wank pictures – As in “pics that aren’t very good.?”, most of which have been sold on by the French papparazzi after a certain car crash.
Anti anal seepage – Hwang… I know you needed help but to search MY site for it is worrying, especially as the link itself is due to a comment you made a few months ago.
Wank race with mates – This does throw up a hell of a lot of mental images… none of them good.
Wanking mate brilliant showers school – When I was at school we got in the showers, ignored each other then got dry asap. Seems this must be a public school search.
Trevor Macdonald pitbull – I can’t imagine what that would look like.!?!
Why do bastards break you then move on – Ah another woman gets screwed over. Better book the Jeremy Kyle show for that one then.
Lorries reversing without banksmen – I used to be a trained banksman until the HSE changed the position to “Lorry Guide”. Apparently having done the job for 4 years and banking literally hundreds of lorries isn’t training enough.
You placed my finger you bastard! – Placed your finger where.? Obviously somewhere indecent… on who though.?
What could happen whilst you sew – Ah the art of doing a risk assessment on needlework.
Charlotte Church takes it up the arse – Does she.? Doesn’t explain that baby then does it.!?!
Teresa Beards from weston super mare – Any one we know.? What a name.!!
Yellow fishing waders – Lemony, I know you want me to dress up in them but it isn’t going to happen ok.?
Got home from school had a wank – I love simple diary entries like that. Like a Hitler’s, got up, saw Eva, played a little tennis with Goebbels, invaded Poland.
XXXXXXL woman – Dear God… that isn’t a woman that is a small planet. Each arse cheek would have it’s own postcode.!!
Kerry Katona hen party – Well having seen the scummy looking slags wandering around here in the name of pre-marital fun, I don’t think you could get any nearer the food chain than her on a hen night.!
Fat old slag gets fucked by bearded lady – Words actually fail me. I am way to frightened to put this through google.! But I bet I know who the bearded lady is.
Eat the arse off a low flying duck – Interestingly it would appear Keith Floyd has a new anti aircraft gun.!
Instructions in welsh – Wouldn’t they be covered in saliva from all those double “L” bits.
Did Ed the Duck ever record as single – No he didn’t, Zig and Zag did though.
Women looking for someone to shave her fanny – Make it sound like a public service. But pack your shears just in case.
English men wanking in shorts – Short films.? Or short trousers.?
Channel 4 drama army polishing his knob – TEN’SHUN. Now I want yew soldier to get out that Brasso and polish your bellened until I can see my face in it. Sir, yes Sir.
I love to see my mate naked – Well don’t we all. All those people in my life, starkers. *imagines*, errr, Chris, can you put that away please.?
Andrew Beaton 1775 – Sounds like a cheeky wine.
Polar bear posing pouch – So they can hide their testicles in the snow as well.
24 month old keeps being sick – Maybe it would be better to seek medical help than refer to my website, predominantly an outlet for my sick humour and knob gags, if your child of two years is continuously honking his guts up.
Ian and Hwang are bastards – We aren’t… we are quite nice really. I know EXACTLY who searched for this one though, hehe.
A wank a day keeps the doctor away – Especially if you are doing it over his five year old daughter.
Men fucking mare hen dogs and other animals – And beastiality finally reaches my search links. Brilliant. Next month, Scat, Adult Babys and people who have inserted things into their urethas.

I think that will do for now. Anyone out tonight.??

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