I sometimes wonder what people are thinking when they come into my place of work and converse with me…

Half the time I get nice people, who are pleasant and up for a laugh. The other half I get sullen, “just got out of the wrong side of bed”, sad old morons. Usually the ignorant and dull ones are called Miz, as in “Mizerable”.

But thank goodness for the other ones, the fun people who say thank you, smile sweetly even if they have been briefly delayed and still have the grace of heart to understand.

So here I am again in this mean old town… what has been going on for the past nine days to prevent me updating…? Well nowt to be honest, I simply couldn’t be bothered (then again I also was unable to drag myself from playing Warcraft and I have been busy Christmas shopping as well.

Today I treated myself to a little early Christmas present, well, £100 worth of limited edition Class 55 Prototype Deltic from the National Railway Museum. Bargain.! Got to wait until January for delivery though… bummer. But well worth the investment I think.

Did anyone watch Top Gear on Sunday night.? I certainly hope you all did because it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Clarkson, Hammond and May bought a second hand British Leyland built car each (Rover SD1, Triumph Dolomite and Austin Princess respectively) and took part in various tests ranging from carrying eggs in a colander over a cobbled test track to filling the entire interior of the car with water and seeing how far it would go before the liquid ran out of the badly fitting seams.

The entire show had me crying with laughter. It was simply brilliant. Was Clarkson’s door fell off I thought I was going to pass out. THAT is real TV, not this Celebrity “Pissing Around In The Jungle” escapade. It is the ONLY reason the BBC should exist because they mess with and fuck up every other programme on their channels so let us pray they leave Jeremy, James and the Hamster to their own devices.

Every Sunday night we should all shout “Fuck the Environment”, wave little flags with cars on them and stop worrying about the state of the world purely because a great TV show is there to entertain us, make us laugh and show that, although you may never own a Bugatti or a Lambo, some perm haired man will and watching him will be almost as much fun.

And that ends our brief sermon for tonight. Don’t have nightmares… only wet dreams.!

(I am off to the OU website to look at courses on Physics.!!! Marvellous.)

As it is the supposed start of a new week today I wondered if I should copy that bizarre Russian Cult and go and sit in a cave awaiting the end of the world (sometime next May) whilst pondering the idea that barcodes are a sign of the Anti-Christ (actually as most barcodes are associated with Tesco’s and Asda, could that possibly be true).? I should hide away and not go to work, such as it is, just for a change.

It appears that cults are not just popular with the gullible people of America. I always thought the Waco siege was a-typical of the bizarre notions of that part of the world but since Communism fell and the USSR became a load of mafia ridden states with no real standing in the world I suppose that people just got bored and started making up their own ideas on things.

This particular group of unlikely deities are holed up in a small cave with lots of food… but can you guess how the cult is formed… yes that is correct, one man being leader and mostly women following. I think it must be some gene that makes women all the more gullible than men and more susceptible to being brain washed. Apparently there are about a fair few cults across the former Soviet republics some of which are also living in isolation. Another cult one is run by an ex-traffic cop and has FIVE THOUSAND members. Weird.!

Maybe I should start up something similar. I have often heard myself termed as a cult… I think that is what was said…!?!

Other than that I have managed to attain level sixty on World of Warcraft and am now stuck with doing huge amounts of raids and similar to pick up decent loot for better armour. Oh well, I better join a new guild then.

And finally….

Well done to Andy Priaulx who somehow managed to overcome all the odds and win the World Touring Car Championship for the third time in a row (fourth if you include the, now defunct, European Touring Car Championship). Superb mate.!

Tis Tuesday, fair world, the night of vampires and dirty little elves who crap in your coat pockets. Or is that Halloween.? Or perhaps just a Friday night out for Hwang and that bird who used to play Little Mo in Eastenders.

Lemony is trying World of Warcraft tonight for the first time. Shocking as that may sound but she has no idea about it so far so we shall see how it goes. Maybe EVE would be more her bag.? Meh, we shall wait to find out.

Anything going on in the world near you.? No.? Didn’t think so. I have noticed that grossly overweight women are going to be with held from having IVF, a logical and probably very correct way of thinking. Doctors seem to think that this would be discrimination but I disagree. Imagine you are obese. Imagine you have been sweating away trying for a child to no avail. Now imagine if you got IVF, got pregnant, had a baby and then due to the way your body is reacting to you being over the legal weight limit for most bridges, you injure your hard fought for child or yourself with possible serious quincequonces.!

Or think of the social aspect of the whole “porky and pregnant” scenario, ie, you have said child and then are unable to chase around the garden, too unfit to play a ball game in the park, or push them on the swings.! You run the risk of causing untold damage to an already dodgy situation.

Do I sound unfair there.? First I pick on same sex couples adopting, then I start on the lardier members of the community and tell them I think they are too chubby to be assisted in their desire for a baby. Well I am certainly nothing if not controversial.!

Moving on…

I had a bag of Jelly Tots earlier and waved goodbye to the familiar taste of a favourite sweety. Gone are the nice chemically flavours and in are the psuedo-natural fruit juices and blandness now found in sweets thanks to those bastards who run the world of confections. So what is going to be next.? Twix bars with no caramel.? Mars bars that smell like grass.? Straight Curly-Wurly’s.!?!?!

Christ knows.! Bath time for me then… enjoy.!

So here I sit once more, bashing away at the keyboard… I really must do some typing and turn off the porn. It’s been one of THOSE weeks. The usual… Area Manager is a cunt, the elderly man I argued with this morning was one comment away from getting a Pin Entry Device stuffed up his ring piece and I have bought a new Civil Link liveried Class 31, not that you will have a bloody clue what that is of course. Oh and I finally put my World of Warcraft character up to level 55. I do take my time on things sometimes.!

Work has been hell this week, real hell but tomorrow night’s delivery has been cancelled so perhaps I might finish earlier than 7pm and can actually have a nice relaxing night in watching the Raccoons, seeing Lemony, touching up the wildlife and taking pot shots at old shoppers with a catapult loaded with horse shit. But seriously, it has been so hard, too much, all at once, because the company fails to understand the concept “busy”, “near Christmas” and “filling the shop floor with too many bits and pieces”. Meh, time to move on perhaps… I better make that call..!

Did you see that women who gave birth to twins and then REFUSED a blood transfusion, due to her religion (yes, a Jehovah’s Witness), then died.? Lunacy.! Giving up your LIFE for an imagined idol.! The worst thing is that the main JW central office have said she did the right thing, leaving her two kids motherless and missing out on the most special thing in the world. Why won’t people learn that making a life choice like allowing a member of your family to die, all for a supposed devout being who has never been proved to exist is the most pathetic and disgusting thing to hit the world headlines since Barry George got locked up for killing Jan Dildo… err, Jill Dando.!

For example I had a woman appear on my doorstep the other day, attempting to bother me into believing in “God” once again. I told her simply that I used to believe in something that might have been a god but is more likely to have just been a load of made up stories dragged up from ancient times. She enquired why I had stopped believing, I replied…

“Because now I have enough knowledge to think logically and I see it was ridiculous to believe in a devout being.”
(I was then tempted to moon and wiggle my bottom in her face but I thought my argument might lose a little of it’s clarity).

On the subject of odd things happening in medicine, have you checked out the eight limbed Indian girl.? Born with two of everything she looks like a spider with a bhindi on.! Truly bizarre but then I suppose that is what you get for living in Bhopal, hehe.

A new study at two Scottish Universities have shown that you can make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex by looking at them and smiling. Really.? Well that IS odd. All these years I have been leering and dribbling at women, slavering like a rabid squirrel, hooting like a love sick Orangutan, rubbing my thighs as if Vic Reeves and ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GRIN.!! Look, people, it isn’t that simple. I don’t have a nice smile really, my teeth, although perfectly healthy, aren’t quite straight and when I do crack a beamer it is only when I am genuinely happy. I can’t do fake smiles, it always looks like I am three seconds away from cracking you over the head and scoffing the contents of your skull with a bag of dipping chips. A leery grin is never the best way to attract women unless you like ‘em scared, half blind and insane (which I know we all do).

So what in hell have I really been doing since I was a teenager. I used to go out and ferret around nightclubs picking up less talent than Simon Cowell and returning home with bulging nuts, a slight headache and sore feet. It was only a couple of years ago that I actually pulled someone in a nightclub that didn’t look as though the Fleet Air Arm had been through her already (sad but true fact, between when I left school and when I started to go to Hobbits I had pulled ONE, yes ONE, girl in a club, all the others were either mentally ill or thankfully didn’t need to be drunk for my chat up lines to work).

Maybe the difference IS the club. It’s dark in there, far more so than in Vision, where the glow of all that Elizabeth Duke gold jewellery makes the place slightly less bright than the surface of the sun everytime someone switches on a spotlight. In Sands the few times I went in there it was so over crowded, due to the massive ignorance of the safety limit by the “Bouncers” (for “Bouncers” read “Krang” from the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles WITHOUT the brain in the middle.. or anywhere else for that matter) that it was impossible to smile. If I wanted to scratch my arse then eight people had to leave.! What about Voltz.? Well no… only went in there a couple of times and anyone entering the place would be rendered instantly immune to smiling thanks to the massive amounts of “Chemicals” (for “Chemicals” read crack, coke, E, speed, cake, horse, flap and/or chewing gum) bonded into every possible surface through massive over use by the classy guests.

So to bring it all back to the main point, are you more attractive if you smile and maintain eye contact.? Well yes of course we all are. Unless your teeth look like Father Jack’s and your eyes have the soul-less qualities of most Tax Inspectors then you will still attract people. We all see some real horrors on a saturday night who have, through some bizarre drunken plea bargaining, picked up a little friend to take home who will REALLY regret it in the morning, but they have pulled “something” right.? It certainly isn’t all what life is about and we all have our ups and downs but next time you are out… feeling a little lonely at the bar, stood next to that really fit person you thought was a bit out of your league, give her a big cheesy grin, look her in the eye and see what happens.

Either she will smile back and THAT is your opening…

…or she will scream blue murder and have you on a restraining order before sunrise.

*rastas*
“Goood Eeeeve ‘ning”

Well hasn’t it been quite a week. I have been so busy at work I thought my arse needed a broom just so I could sweep up as I went along.

Oh sorry about Wednesday night… I think Mark put way too much alcohol in those cocktails and boy did I find it all.! Sick as a very drunk dog I was. But it was fun up until the first moment of pukage so oh well.

So how much has gone on in the world since my last blog so I better have a round up…

Firstly good bye so long, stick it up your Spanish exhaust pipe to Mr Alonso who unsurprisingly has left the Mclaren Formula One team for pastures new. Apparently he didn’t get the preferential treatment he wanted and was out driven by a rookie in an identical car. *Waves*. See ya.!

Heather Mills went nuts on GMTV. She compared herself to the media equivalent of Princess Diana and Maddie McCann. Christ.! Look woman, you made your own bed now swing your false leg up and lie in it. Trying to take half of a man’s fortune that he has built up over many years is pure evil. Stop it.

Talking of Princess Diana I hear the Arctic Monkey’s are recording a tribute single… “I Bet That You Look Good On The Dashboard”. Marvellous.

And also Miss McCann. Gerry went back to work at the hospital where he has been on unpaid leave for the past six months, but still topping up the old mortgage from the Maddie Fund.

Oh and Sarah Kennedy on Radio Two was criticised for being racist because she moaned that black people need to smile when walking at night in dark clothing. That isn’t racism, the same as a polar bear is difficult to see in the snow, it is scientific fact. Bloody people whining about that sort of thing really pisses me off. Expect a rant in 3 to 4 days at a charge of £4.95 for however many rants you like.

Not been much of a week for news really has it. Except for the death of one very important historical figure. General Paul Tibbets. Heard of him.? Now I didn’t think you would have. He played a very significant part in world history flying a plane called the Enola Gay… Still nothing.? Well he was the pilot of the first plane to ever drop a nuclear bomb in anger on Japan back in 1945. Flying against Hiroshima as “Bockscar” flew against Nagasaki, he assisted in ending the second world war in the Asian theatre a lot sooner than would have happened with conventional bombing missions. The two nuclear bombs dropped caused a lot more panic and fear amongst the Japanese than the Tokyo fire raids but with far less casualties. Some say it was horrific and should never have been done but when you look at the disgraceful things the Nips were doing to their POWs you feel so much less guilt.

And now it’s time for a breakdown… *cue the middle bit of “Never Gonna Get It” by En Vogue*…

Alternatively I could slap up the search referers from last month… yes.?

Weeping sore – Oh nice. Someone got a little pus oozing from somewhere.?
Saddle sniffing – Pouty.? I am assuming this wasn’t you. Must be the leathery smell that does it.
Is Carol Vorderman the best wank on television – No, clearly it’s that bird from the Picture advert who’s family won’t shut the fuck up when she is on the bloody phone.
I hate Welsh speaking bastards – I don’t mind them too much, it’s the Northerners I tend to want to set fire to.
Dirty young slappers who take it up the arse – Well that doesn’t narrow it down much. We got a good supply around here… most of them in rehab.
Merseyside bouncy dome castles – A SCOUSE bouncy castle.? Well I guess their cheques bounce.
Wank pictures – As in “pics that aren’t very good.?”, most of which have been sold on by the French papparazzi after a certain car crash.
Anti anal seepage – Hwang… I know you needed help but to search MY site for it is worrying, especially as the link itself is due to a comment you made a few months ago.
Wank race with mates – This does throw up a hell of a lot of mental images… none of them good.
Wanking mate brilliant showers school – When I was at school we got in the showers, ignored each other then got dry asap. Seems this must be a public school search.
Trevor Macdonald pitbull – I can’t imagine what that would look like.!?!
Why do bastards break you then move on – Ah another woman gets screwed over. Better book the Jeremy Kyle show for that one then.
Lorries reversing without banksmen – I used to be a trained banksman until the HSE changed the position to “Lorry Guide”. Apparently having done the job for 4 years and banking literally hundreds of lorries isn’t training enough.
You placed my finger you bastard! – Placed your finger where.? Obviously somewhere indecent… on who though.?
What could happen whilst you sew – Ah the art of doing a risk assessment on needlework.
Charlotte Church takes it up the arse – Does she.? Doesn’t explain that baby then does it.!?!
Teresa Beards from weston super mare – Any one we know.? What a name.!!
Yellow fishing waders – Lemony, I know you want me to dress up in them but it isn’t going to happen ok.?
Got home from school had a wank – I love simple diary entries like that. Like a Hitler’s, got up, saw Eva, played a little tennis with Goebbels, invaded Poland.
XXXXXXL woman – Dear God… that isn’t a woman that is a small planet. Each arse cheek would have it’s own postcode.!!
Kerry Katona hen party – Well having seen the scummy looking slags wandering around here in the name of pre-marital fun, I don’t think you could get any nearer the food chain than her on a hen night.!
Fat old slag gets fucked by bearded lady – Words actually fail me. I am way to frightened to put this through google.! But I bet I know who the bearded lady is.
Eat the arse off a low flying duck – Interestingly it would appear Keith Floyd has a new anti aircraft gun.!
Instructions in welsh – Wouldn’t they be covered in saliva from all those double “L” bits.
Did Ed the Duck ever record as single – No he didn’t, Zig and Zag did though.
Women looking for someone to shave her fanny – Make it sound like a public service. But pack your shears just in case.
English men wanking in shorts – Short films.? Or short trousers.?
Channel 4 drama army polishing his knob – TEN’SHUN. Now I want yew soldier to get out that Brasso and polish your bellened until I can see my face in it. Sir, yes Sir.
I love to see my mate naked – Well don’t we all. All those people in my life, starkers. *imagines*, errr, Chris, can you put that away please.?
Andrew Beaton 1775 – Sounds like a cheeky wine.
Polar bear posing pouch – So they can hide their testicles in the snow as well.
24 month old keeps being sick – Maybe it would be better to seek medical help than refer to my website, predominantly an outlet for my sick humour and knob gags, if your child of two years is continuously honking his guts up.
Ian and Hwang are bastards – We aren’t… we are quite nice really. I know EXACTLY who searched for this one though, hehe.
A wank a day keeps the doctor away – Especially if you are doing it over his five year old daughter.
Men fucking mare hen dogs and other animals – And beastiality finally reaches my search links. Brilliant. Next month, Scat, Adult Babys and people who have inserted things into their urethas.

I think that will do for now. Anyone out tonight.??