Having listened to the simply MARVELLOUS Lily Allen album soooooo many times over the past few weeks it suddenly struck me that the first song, Smile, reminds me of someone.

“When you first left me
I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door
What’d you do that for.?

Wwhen you first left me
I didnt know what to say
I’d never been on my own that way
Just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
but with a little help from my friends
I found the light in the tunnel at the end
Now youre calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
It’s only because you’re feeling alone

At first when I see you cry
Yeah it makes me smile
Yeah it makes me smile
At worst I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile
I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me
You say that you want me back
And I tell you it dont mean jack
No it dont mean jack

I couldnt stop laughing
No I jus couldnt help myself
See you messed up my mental health
I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found the light in the tunnel at the end
Now youre calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
It’s only because you’re feeling alone

At first when I see you cry
Yeah it makes me smile
Yeah it makes me smile
At worst I feel bad for awhile
But then I jus smile
I go ahead and smile”

There we go. Excellent.

Well it didn’t happen. Due to a daft mistake which made it a little harder but not impossible a car problem dropped The Ham two places below where he needed to be. A terrible shame and I am sure he is gutted but to lose the championship by one point in the last race at your first attempt is certainly something special.!

So to next year we go… Let’s hope that bloody Spaniard is driving a Renault again.

Friday. Still October, still ill Bunny. Doctor has refered me to a rheumatologist, to have my rheums checked out I assume, which means more blood being removed from me and more of my bodily fluids travelling merrily around the country in little vials.

So here I sit, waiting to be dragged into work to cover for the last three hours of the day due to staff shortages. Should just about finish me off for the day I think. This weekend is going to be a total washout… but then again Hobbits is Ska crazy and booked out for Saturday night so I will save about £80 NOT going out again this weekend, which is nice. Might have enough for some rather nice Christmas presents for people then.

But what am I going to do without going out.? Perhaps I could conjour up the image in my head of a traditional night out, with all around and fun being had… just imagine that… *sound of harps and blurry images*

The White Lion…

Yonder Hwang sits, dressed in his usual fine garb of a pair of bright yellow fishing waders and a large traffic cone atop his neatly combed barnet. Besides him sits Ben, the White Lion pooch, a pair of large tinted spectacles and a glass of Alka-Seltzer placed nearby to stave off the violent hangover he drank himself into last night… mixing Winalot with whisky is never a grand idea. And lo, who is this.? Tis Lemony and Bunny skate boarding into the public house, cheeks a flapping and the sound of kazoos filling the air. In tow behind is the semi-naked Chris, who has left it far to late to get ready, dressed only in a small towel as it is.

The drinking begins, Hwang gets in the first round, then a square and a triangle. Shots of garlic chilli sauce get slammed down with salt and a squeeze of mango juice. A quick round of pool with Hobbits Emma joining us, leads into a game of strip cribbage with two elderly gents and a Polish bus driver called Eric. Unfortunately Emma wins and Hwang ends up running the pub starkers, despite the fact he wasn’t even playing… anything to feel the wind through his balls that boy.!

Phoenix…

Baz, the shining light in a dark rock bar… primarily the reflection of the spotlights bouncing off his hairless nut. Bounding merrily up the stairs into a now chav free area presents many opportunities for smoking, drinking and being sick in the urinals as Lemony demonstrates with a chundersome load sent from across the room into a cubicle. Mavellous. As Emma has worn her new teflon frock she is sliding about all over the place leaving glasses broken, the barman aroused and the DJ in small pieces strewn across his decks. Baz applies some sticky stuff of his own making to the floor and arrests her progress but not before she has inadvertantly mooned the local Women’s Institute on their weekly night out boozing it up in Sennies.

All too soon it is time to head on to the final destination… Lemony has her collar applied, so does Hwang and like a basket full of Poodles they are dragged in a most undignified manner towards the club accompanied by applause enriched with farts.

Hobbits…

Journey’s end, Chris enters first… dressed still only in that small towel but now carrying the fetid rotting corpse of a dead badger over one shoulder and an enormous pair of soiled ladies undies perched delightfully upon his head. The contents of said pants are starting to dribble in a liquid form down the sides of his face like two watery sideburns. Thankfully Monkey and Giles are on hand to hose the poor guy off, along with Paul who is pumping away to provide said refreshment.

The lights are dipped low to allow an all star Hobbits cast on to the dance floor for a quick boogie to “Umbrella”. Leading off is Sexy Dave, who dances like Wayne Sleep, followed closely by Hwang, who dances like Wayne Rooney. Scene and Emo kids are dotted around the building as both Helen behind the bar and my Bunnylicious self take pot shots at them with soda syphons filled with chlorine and Mellow Birds (to make them Smile).

An early casualty is sadly Baz, who despite the warning, has been knocking bad gallons of lager mixed with unleaded petrol and then attempted to light a guff. Fortunately he did it outside, unfortunately he burnt down the school opposite, lit up the night sky for miles around and blew a whole in his trousers. Ring piece burnt to a crisp, he and it (his ring) are hoisted on to the back of a milkfloat and driven off to be stared at by a sweaty porter at A&E.

And so ends another evening out. Sadly Pouty didn’t put in an appearence but horses jokes and sticking out lips were pushed forward as an offering at the new Hobbits Pouty Shrine in one corner of the club (make two sacrifices, get one free). Chris did lose the towel, but Rose promises to return it along with his genitals, the next time she is back. Hwang didn’t manage to dance too much due to a large fridge magnet adhering to him all night. Emma pulled a dustman from Stoke called Nigel and eloped with him to Bridgwater later that week and Lemony and myself, well, we bummed a lift home off a passing Leyland bus and Lemony was left to ring the bell when we got in.

*harps and blurriness again*

See… now you KNOW that could happen.!!!

On another note Hwang, I am sorry… when you drove past me this morning I hesitated to wave because I didn’t know it was you… I did look and thought it was a woman in a similar car… ooopsie.!!! By the way, I was not on my way to “do your mum”. Cheers then .

So day three of being off work. Bored still, feeling I am letting people down still but at least Lemony gave me a nice footrub last night (despite crying over Emmerdale for some unknown reason, hehe, her not me).

Well Mr Kyle was all very interesting today but in the advert breaks I did a little channel hopping and hit Living on 114 with Maury entertaining all… the horror I found on there was almost palpable.

The subject of his show today, and I am typing this as a new horror wanders on to the screen, is “opposites attract”. As I flipped over I was aghast to see “71 year old Harvey, blind man and fur coat owner” fondling the amble arse cheeks (and when I say ample I mean ocean liner) of “33 year old THIRTY TWO STONE bird in lycra”. After I finished retching I turned back to see a well proportioned man in his mid 30s, suited and booted and then on walked his missus, Dessiree, blonde, half starkers, nude model, bimbo. Talk about a difference. The new shocker that wandered on a few moments ago was wearing a crop top, tight leggings and weighed more than most single decker buses.! Oh and she liked reggae music so I have just been treated to the sight of the Jamaican equivalent of a bouncy castle “shakin’ her thang” and causing seismologists all over the west coast of the USA to go scrambling for their recorders.

But it does, as usual, bring up an interesting part of everyones lives… do you meet a ‘mate’ (let us REALLY get back to basics here) that is just like you, enjoys pretty much everything you like, thinks like you do and so forth, or do you chase someone who has absolutely nothing in common with you but entertains you in a way you cannot explain.?

Thinking through all of my friends and their partners, such as they are , I struggle to find more than one couple that have nothing really in common with each other. The simple ancient theories of attraction are still deeply built in to us all… we will always choose a mate that we think will provide the best for our offspring, it all comes down to hunter/gatherer instincts from prehistory. Yes it is true that these ideas don’t always ring true though. I think we all know people who seem like a bad “choice” perhaps following heart not head, I know I can, but will we all in the end find ourselves with the best people our instinct finds us.?

Getting back to opposites, my other half, Lemony, is very similar to me. Admittedly her boobies are bigger and I have a fascination with trivia that she finds a little odd, but underneath everything we have a LOT in common. In the past few years I have had about four proper girlfriends that were opposite to me in pretty much everyway. Lemony is the only person in all that time that has had a proper bond with me, I am sure it will continue.

I did notice on the Economist’s web page last night (an American newspaper) that they had defined the UK’s pull out of troops from Iraq as a clear indication that we are severing our ties with the US with regard to that issue. Now as much as I love to hate the Labour party and it’s leaders, Brown has been doing a reasonable job up until now. Obviously with Blair having sold us a bill of shite over the reasons for invading in the first place we should not have been there in the first place. Assisting George W(anker) Bush in any form is always going to become humiliation by association, not that he would be able to understand what that means, but it is going to be much better for our lads out there if they ARE pulled out and the Yanks are left to take up the slack. We don’t need to be there. Our presence has caused as much trouble as good so why stay.?

Sadly the issue of the Middle East countries, especially Iran and Iraq will continue on for the rest of our lifetimes. The region has never been particularly stable (Iran-Iraq war, Kurdish Genocide, Suez Canal problems, Soviet invasion of Afghanistan) but how on earth do you solve a massive mess up such as this.? Very difficult.

There is nothing like watching the Filth Files to put you off a chinese meal. Tepid chicken in a bowl of water, no hot water and chips kept UNDER part cooked meats in a dirty fridge drawer. Lovely. Luckily this feast of botulism is not in the UK but in New zealand. I know my food hygiene standards are a little iffy sometimes but I am usually careful enough to avoid cross contamination twixt cooked and uncooked meat so it surprises me that a shop that sells ONLY food would risk it’s license to sell that one and only lifeline.

There are enough kebab houses and chinese or indian restuarants around town, most of which I have no problem trusting to cook food and treat it in a proper manner. Food hygiene officials seem to be the only part of our town council which works diligently and well towards the wellfare of our community. Yes you do get the familiar scare stories and frequent urban legends about the “Chef’s Special Sauce” or five kinds of spunk in the MDs mayo but if that DID happen then just how long do you think the place would be allowed to trade without rectifying the problem.!?! The Sea Palace is a prime example. It is a fantastic eatery with problems in it’s past. The food is never bland, always hot, well cooked, the staff friendly and clean and the whole set up seems right. So a few years ago they had a problem with cockroaches… fair enough, they got fined and cleaned up their act… now they are clean and allowed to trade once more.

But what about somewhere like Stal’s or Deniz’s (why DO people call it Densley’s.???) they serve people who are frighteningly drunk every night of the week. If someone WAS contaminated by food poisoning then how would they actually find out.? In a restaurant people tend to be sober, together and with it. I am certainly not suggesting that either of the above two places would be anything other than perfect with regard to their food, I have eaten from both places often, but it must be hard as a food inspector to do anything but a regular inspection or take drunken people’s words for it… being sick after 9 bottles of Newkie Brown must be difficult to distinguish from lobbing your guts out due toE.Coli.

And finally, can anyone on Nordrissal run me through Deadmines with a high level character please.?

Well day two of not being in work… of feeling like I had done a day’s work when I had only just woken up this morning. Great. Had a blood test and a urine test at the Doctor’s yesterday, it appears I have some of both, the results I await with baited breath but I know they will be negative. Apparently I have a “virus” which is the medical equivalent of saying “have you checked the fuse”. I have been feeling like this for a good long while now and this past week has made it ten times worse. Maybe it IS a virus but coupled with whatever else (the fever aftermath I suppose) I may have in my disease ravaged body (for just two pounds a month you could sponsor me… so I don’t have to walk 3 metres to grab a can of coke etc) it is driving me to despair and affecting my work and private lives.

Saturday night was a prime example. I had been to bed at a reasonable hour, got up not too early, not too late, had a little nap or two throughtout the day and did nothing more than one lap of Carbury and a wander up and down the High Street. Nowt strenuous as you can see… but by 12.30am Sunday morning, sitting in Hobbits unable to drink anymore, not through drunkenness but through sheer illness, I was almost asleep. Standing outside having a smoke I almost dozed up vertically.!!! I left early because of this (wish I had left a LOT earlier, but I was enjoying seeing everyone) and now I am starting to feel even worse than before. Can whoever has the little voodoo doll of me, please stop it.!

I refuse to discuss the Chinese Grand Prix at all. :banghead:

And so here I sit. So much to do at work, four pots of chillies to plant and not a jot of energy. At least typing this isn’t taking up too much of my brain power. Maybe I should just go for some news shorts to rid myself of bad vibes… A rant always helps me doesn’t it.?

Or I can pretend that news stories are actually read out like football results…

“And now the final scores. Premiership News Developments”.

Pre-budget Speech 18(% flat rate capital gains tax) – Iraq 0 (point in us still being there).
CIA 1 – Che Guevara 0 (Che shot at half time despite protests from the Cubans).
IPod creators 1(nobel prize.???!!!) – Church Of England 0 (Bugger all for moaning continuously about Manhunt 2).
Paul McCartney versus Heather Mills is a late result.
BBC 2800 (jobs lost to save overpaid management teams who turn out shite and still demand we pay a fucking license fee for rubbish like Dancing On Ice) – Gordan Ramsey 2(stars. Michelin, not brown. Good food not physical defect).

Madeleine McCann versus Princess Diana was a no score draw. (Yes I am giggling as I type that).

Enough I tell you… ENOUGH.!! Mwah hahahaha.

Seems I lost two friends. Oh dear. Careless I know…

But then again in the big scheme of things why should I be bothered. Two people who I rarely see. Not close to me… Meh.

Now if they were important people in my life then I might feel more. I might even try and resolve the differences but there is no need. I don’t just like people because they are “popular” but I certainly won’t lose any friends through them not talking to me… If anything I am likely to gain MORE people who dislike the two in question with a passion.

Yes it is certainly fine to have an opinion for yourself but there we go… if you actually have the clinical stupidity to TELL my girlfriend you think she is an idiot and I am a cheating twat (which, for the record I have never done) then you really deserve to be taken at face value. No one cares really. You can get on with your own little lives, I will continue with mine. It’s a thing called tact. If you want people to become pissed off with you then fine… let it all out. But we all make mistakes… I have several times and I know both of you certainly have… my GOD you both certainly have.

So here it ends. I won’t be bringing this up again. I am not having a bad day, it has been a rather good one.

To two ex-friends who I never see, please don’t come anywhere near me. I have nothing to say to you, I won’t listen, nor will my girlfriend.

This ends here.

The end of another week in the life of EL Fluffy Bunnio. Thanks to a massive dust over dose at work on Wednesday I am feeling more poorly than when I started the week, just perfect to co-incide with a weekend off, so clubbing will wait until tomorrow night.

Sat watching Jeremy Kyle at the moment which is nice. Feeling superior to the horrors of Northern Britain is such a nice feeling. No wonder we never invest much in the top end of the country if this is the sort of person that lives there. Time to build that wall I think (the one that stretches from Gloucester to the bottom end of East Anglia and keeps them away from us).

In between watching Mr Kyle, the advert breaks have been filled with me hopping around the music channels as normal. In doing so I discovered a video by two calls, I am guessing called Sam and Amanda (the group name being ‘Samanda’ – I think you can see the intelligence and class of the two blonde girls in question). Their fifteen minutes of fame is this… a cover version of ‘Barbie Girl’ by Aqua. Two teens dressed in pink, throwing pink things in the air, on pink sets, with pink graphics and a distinct lack of any kind of lip synching. And the music industry is wondering why sales are down.! It is always said that you reap what you sew… well in this case there will be a fine crop of Jordan lookalikes this year. These two make Daphne and Celeste look like The Who. It is shocking. Thankfully the N-Dubz were on Channel U and the blonde bird in that is rather fit (especially amazing when you think about my random dislike of blonde women normally, Lemony has black hair remember).

In motor sport, The Ham has escaped any kind of ridiculous penalty due to the Webber/Vettel incident in Japan. Thankfully the FIA saw sense and also removed the slightly daft 10 place demotion for Vettel after new footage came to light on youtube.com. So Sunday morning shall find me sat glued to the TV keeping my fingers tightly crossed again to see if he can clinche a record breaking title with one round left in Brazil… my GOD I haven’t been this nervous over a season since 1996 when Damon Hill kept doing daft things and took it down to the wire in Suzuka.

Oh I heard some people don’t like the fact I am back with Lemony. Silly really. We are all adults after all but then again the person in question has some issues with their own life and also some stuff going on which no one can be bothered to inform them about. Well done honey.

I have just found out that women from Glasgow saying slapper is a rather amusing event… and deaf men playing darts are incredible.!

Sorry if this all seems a bit random, I am using the Doc Robbins writing technique, which in his own words, is good… like Baby Bio (no I have never worked that one out either).

That advert for Cadbury’s with the gorilla does amuse me so. Granted it is not quite the Oatso Simple ad with Windy Miller and his naked Uncle. Oooooohfff ooh. But is this a case of a chocolate company that has just announced the closure of their Keynsham factory, paying less for coverage in the media to save money.? I doubt it because the people that came up with the idea for that very simple bit of entertainment would have been paid fantastic sums of money for doing little more than saying the words “Monkey, playing drums, bald bloke”.

Advertising costs frighten me sometimes. To put an advert on the driving mirror of a Maclaren Mercedes F1 car will set you back around £1million for a space about the same as a small postcard. Think how much a year a company like Coca-Cola would pay out per year for slapping their big red name on the side of buses, buildings, small children, trout, etc. What if they stopped for one week… think of the cost savings.!!! But then again some companies shouldnt advertise at all. Watching an advert for something that stops your body falling out of your bottom whilst you eat dinner is not so much fun.

And now I have purchased a copy of World Of Warcraft – Burning Crusade… so expect a little less of me in your lives. Only joking.!!

(PS… qas I the only person who enjoyed the McFly version of “Umbrella” (ella ella eh eh eh) on the radio today.?)