Oh I notice someone died on this day ten years ago… someone I never met, who never made a difference in my life and I don’t give a particular toss about… So why am I being lamblasted by every newspaper in sight telling me I should care. It is simple. I don’t. I don’t care about small kids disappearing in Portugal. I don’t give much of a stuff if Michael Jackson IS touching up kids. There are far more important things in life than that.

I am just waiting for a certain Mr Al Fayed to pop up on screen just to REALLY wind me up.

Rihanna has a new single out. No way will it be as popular or irritatingly catchy as Umbrella (ellaellaehEHEH) but I was intrigued by two things in the video. Firstly the fact that Rihanna appears to have over inflated her lips to almost schimmense proportions. Secondly the video includes a lot of very typically American cars. Huge Corvettes and Cadillacs abound amongst various Corvettes and Buicks. The gold car that she lays across, however, appears to be a VERY European Ford Sierra (late model hatchback, not jelly mould) and hanging in the air in the background of some shots is a tatty bright yellow 1987 Ford Granada. Weird. On a musical note (arf arf) she does appear to have made a song that can be sung over the top of The Hoff’s “Jump in my Car”.

I wonder if the writers of top US television show “Friends” ever had any episodes that they WANTED to write but weren’t allowed to.? *Imagination wanders into harpy music*

The One Where Joey Gets Maimed – Chandler and Joey team up for a fly drive holiday but during the hilarious adventure a combine drives over Joey as he dozes in a field.

The One With Monica’s Laxative Addiction – Monica can’t stop knocking back the Sennakot and her and Rachel’s apartment becomes a brown painted monument to scat lovers of the world.

The One In Gaza – Ross gets married AGAIN to a woman called Shandice who works as a Palastinian terrorist. He gets unmarried when she gets hit by an Israeli rocket attack and evaporates.

The One With Doctor Who – David Tennant accidentally lands his Tardis on Phoebe whilst she is drinking coffee in central park 60 years in the future. The rest of the elderly Friends put him up against a wall and shoot him with large baguettes loaded with cheese.

Maybe I should write my own series.?

Well I now have an entire NINE days of doing nothing at all. Oh except wrapping up presents for Lemony’s birthday. And cooking food. Eating it. Errr you get the idea.

My GOD I am bored. Thursday morning. 10am. Jeremy Kyle is on the television and I am sat here with a headache courtesy of the painkillers I am on. My punctured lung thankfully has turned out to be a badly strained muscle or tendon as far as I can tell (I have NOT gone to the doctors because I hate them). Trouble is the only way to get rid of the pain is to take pills stronger than I usually do which then make my headache but solve the problem of the injury to my shoulder. Oh well.

So far this week I have only been at work on Monday, although I am going back tomorrow, and I am very, very bored. Thankfully Lemony has kept me entertained in the evenings. And also the big arguement I have been having with Lisa has ended with another lie and the end of our friendship for good. Meh.

Whilst searching for a topic for today’s blog I sat here drawing a big blank. That was until I decided to do one of my channel flip sessions between channels 374 and 341… the music ones. Twas during said hopping session that I stumbled across the classic video by 1980s band Madness for their song “House Of Fun”. And I halted my flip right there. The sight of three men in an off-licence, one of them wearing a house coat, curlers and a pair of bright pink fluffy slippers, made me smile like a loon. What a fantastic bit of comedy to accompany a brilliant song. “But Fluffy Bunny” I hear you cry “What has that got to do with your blog today.?”

Well it is simple. Music videos nowadays are no longer fun. If I see one more video of Amerie, Mariah Carey or Beyonce poncing around in a small black dress in front of some swirly gold curtains I might just vomit my own pancreas over the floor. I love music videos. Quite often a really good video makes me enjoy the song more than something bland and pointless. I am sure I didn’t enjoy “Hips Don’t Lie” as much until I saw the video and realised that her hips certainly don’t tell lies and I would gladly investigate them if they did utter an untruth. Preferably with the aid of a speculum and some tubs of strawberry flavoured lubricant. Ahem.

But other than that I cannot think of any video from the past few years that has really made me laugh out loud… apart from a few by Eminem (My Name Is…, Forgot About Dre and Without Me). All these new bands that appear on the scene such as The Fray or Passengers or any other group from the past three years which has dived into copy Razorlight and Coldplay but managed to just fuck themselves into a corner, have only ever produced visuals that involve them… and some black and white camera work. Maaaaaaybe they will throw in a few overhead shots or a burning car but that is about it.

So why has music become some bad at entertaining us.? It isn’t just the videos though is it.? It stems from the lack of talent that you actually need to get into the music industry since the mid ninties. The invention of X Factor and Popstars and all those other ridiculous Simon Cowell based money making schemes has driven the quality of music straight through the floor. With the advent of myspace and similar sites, it is now a lot easier to show off your band/group/solo career to the masses (not to me because I won’t allow them to add or message me, ain’t I a stinker). Record companies do the same as Formula One teams do… bringing in lesser and lesser known or aged talents to see if they can discover “The next big thing”. Ok with Maclaren and Hamilton it certainly worked but with Cowell and Gates/McManus or any of the winners of ANY television talent show, WHERE ARE THEY NOW.?

Talking about music… Amy Winehouse. What IS she.? I know she is a female singer/songwriter but has anyone actually checked.? She doesn’t look completely female although she does sing and write well. There is just something about her that scares the bejesus out of me. How weird.

(As an ending comment the five people who were first on Jeremy Kyle this morning really needed to be dressed as 11 year olds and dropped off for a game of football in Croxteth).!

*****IMPORTANT NEWS*****

If you wish to post comments then follow the anti-spam thing correctly. I am a little worried even a school teacher cannot get it right (hello Trixie) but it is simple… enter the five letters in the box as it says.. but please notice they are CAPITAL letters so use CAPITAL letters.!!! Thank you.!!!

Ok almost the end of the month so stupid searches time.!

“Stop bum sweating” – Now this I could use. On a night out. Because having rivulets of dew dripping down your ring isn’t nice.!
“Rash time angel video musical” – Sounds like a seriously nasty sexually transmitted disease caught on film.!
“Slipped and fell in woolworths wet floor” – Quick, sue them.! You must be worth something. No.? Oh well.
“Knob up her arse pictures” – I knew your Mum would get on the net sometime dude.!
“Greggs nightclub” – Imagine it. Chavvy overweight single mother’s dancing in boob tubes and short skirts, flopping their fat to the beat whilst both they and their fetid offspring scoff themselves stupid on iffy sausage rolls.
“Beverley callard pictures to wank over” – I think we have all wanted this at sometime in our lives. Except me perhaps. Now Jim MacDonald pics… that would be different. So it would.
“Teletubbies get killed” – Meh, been there, done that, connected them to the IRA, had them beat up the Tweenies.
“Asda are bastards to work for” – Well you should have guessed that when you notice they have “huddles” and are owned by a bunch of Wanky-Yanks.!
“Looking for hairy cunts in south london” – May I suggest Bill Oddie. Or perhaps Rory Magrath.? Or even Brian Blessed (met him you know.!)
“Barclaycard bastards” – Firstly note their APR, secondly note that the are run by Barclays bank. I had an interview for them one day. Then they called me in for a second one because they were too stupid to know I had already had one.!
“Bizmark battle ship” – Pedant hat on… It was a POCKET battleship.
“Whelks delivered” – As opposed to Whelks to collect only.
“Big old heavy pendulous tits” – Oh lovely. Just what I always wanted. Big heavy ones I can cope with but OLD.??? Christ.!
“‘Virgin voyager’ crime” – I think that sums that up very simply.
“Where can i buy a red eyeliner pencil in hertfordshire?” – Loaded question that.!? Aren’t they all trannies there.?
“xxxxxxl undies” – I ran this through google… they are HUGE.!
“Line of men wanking free” – Instead of “line of men wanking for $29.99 every thirty days unless you cancel your card bill.
“Videos my wife car playing gear stick” – Playing with it.? Is it big and shiny. With a lever to lift for reverse.?
“Saxo fuse layout” – Easy. Fuse one controls your fuck ugly girlfriend Tasha. Fuse two controls the brakes that stop you from going over the edge of the toll road. You do NOT need this one, bin it. Fuse three controls how many times someone is going to carve the word “cunt” into your offside wing with his house keys. Leave that one in.
“Wombles dozing” – Aww Poor Tomsk. Sleepy. Lying dozing on a bench on Wimbledon Common. Oh dear… isn’t that ex Labour MP Ron Davies wanking over his furry face. Oh Ron. Dirty boy.! Go and wash and brush it out Tomsk.!
“Ian huntley’s mum” – We love her. She spawned a man who SHOULD be used for chemical experiments.
“First great western hst carriage seat” – Not just me that thinks they are designed by wankers. But in FGW’s actual words “These changes have not only been in response to customer feedback but also because we wanted to provide a comfortable journey experience. We are confident that this has been achieved.” Errr no. You have made it more akin to travelling on a prison train. Change them back or I stop paying for fares.

That’ll do Donkey…. that’ll do. For now.!

I had never realised that the most homo-erotic image that can be decently portrayed in real life is of two slightly over sized chavs, in singlet vest tops, snuggled up in a purple three door Vauxhall Corsa. No seriously.! I saw excactly that whilst waiting for a lift home on Friday night and it struck me that not even two of the Villlage People, covered in peanut butter and marmite, wobbling their buttocks in time to Y.M.C.A could out do the image of masculine bonding apparent in that small hatchback.

Well my punctured lung hasn’t been holding me back too much this weekend so far but it is nice to have people worried about me. Hehe. Was a very warm Hobbits night last night wasn’t it.!? Shocking. Spent most of the time bouncing twixt seating inside for a quick slurp of Stella and then back outside (in my PJ’s apparently) for another smoke and more mingling. Big thank you to Lemony for looking after me on Friday night when my chest was really bad… love yooou.! Also thank you to Hwang for hosting an amusing evening at Carl’s (where I a managed to get hold of the remote before anyone else). Andrew, feel free to finish the red wine, tis very nice.!

Turkish Grand Prix today it would appear… The Ham is on second place on the dirty side of the grid and with Alonso behind him in fourth and the Ferraris in front and immediately aft of Mr H, it will be an interesting race. I am sure no one will start a big crash at the first corner but we shall see. (edit:- From third to fifth due to a puncture. Real shame but still five points above Alonso).!

Oh I DID manage to get my letter in the Mercury once more.! Hurrah.! Never got the phrase “dysentry in a rowing boat” in there but this time I did achieve the phrase “Some people enjoy ritual sacrifice of livestock or slashing car tyres on a Friday night”. Plus some random person I used to go to school with noticed it and mentioned it to me last night.! Weird. *Fames*

Right where shall I start.? We have some retard allowing Phillip Lawrence’s killer to NOT be deported (to Italy of all places) because “It is against his human rights”. I am going to leave that one WELL alone otherwise I might be here all the live long day.!

How about a 14 year old kid shooting and killing an 11 year old in a BMX ride by in Scouserland.? Nooooo better not.

Oh I know, what about Sky Three running ANOTHER fucking series about Princess Sodding Diana and her death.? Errr I shall avoid that one too.

But you can see what I am thinking on all three accounts yes.? Hope so.

I have had the day off. Have done stuff all but I have a stonking headache which I am assuming is caused by the hot weather returning. Genius. When I am at work I don’t get one but on one of my lieu days it appears and blots out everything in my head.

On the plus side I have completed the following today…

1, fitted snowploughs to a Class 33/1
2, did a little shopping for my grandmother
3, Bought a Retriever (the mining barge, NOT the pooch)
4, eaten bagels and chicken soup together
5, discovered our garden has the world’s biggest mint plant growing in it
6, buried a dead bird I found in the front garden (no, it WASN’T Madeleine MacCann)
7, almost finished Hobbits Album Number Six, save for the art work
8, written this blog

So all in all not a bad day even if I am losing the power of sight to the bad head.!

30 years on after the overtly rotund Elvis Presley wobbled his way through the Pearly Gates and the buying public have instantly slipped a greatest hits album into the number one slot ahead of Kate Nash and her London voiced prose.

What an astounding thought.! To have been so famous that even three decades after you succumb to deep fried heaven your fans are still so loyal as to get you to the top of the tree as easily as that. So what about the stars of today.? In thirty years time will Amy Winehouse be looked back on as fondly.? Will Westlife be doddering around Ireland on a come back tour.? Well in the latter case I certainly hope not… but think about the aging rockers that ARE still on the road. The Rolling Stones and The Who are both prime examples of two massively successful (and deservedly so in my opinion) bands who both still have the fire in their hearts to continue to perform live in front of enormous crowds.!

Then again you do have the flip side. The two guys that performed with Bucks Fizz are still on the road as well (or were up until very recently), even to the point of reforming Bucks Fizz, albeit with two young bimbos obviously desperate for stardom, a few years ago. Their glory was short lived as it was, people may still remember them but there is a massive world of difference between resurrecting a classic group from the 1960’s who had repeated massive hits and restarting a small but only mildly successful Eurovision winning group from the early 1980s.

Whether I will still be dancing around Hobbits in 30 years time, pushing Hwang in a wheelchair (not through inability to walk, just because of the large amount of drink inside him) both of us devoid of hair, like Lou and Andy from Little Britain, remains to be seen.

First Great Western did get back to me in the end. Sadly they gave me the usual spray about “the upgraded carriages being specially designed following question to the public and needing to increase capacity”. Oh and they ignored my question about why they cannot run higher capacity trains on the Bristol to Weston services. Cunts.

Sent from moi to First (Not so) Great Western trains…

“Guess what I did today.?

(cc’ed to various news papers, the Rail Watchdog (heard in the Times you are having a few problems with them.?), Rail Magazine, blogged on my own website and also sent to the Pope because I truly think only divine intervention will help you understand how to run a railroad.)”

Now that feels SO much betterer.!

This blog is currently under renovation. It will reappear when I sort out my life.

So let me get this straight… British Airways and the hairy chinned wonder’s company, Virgin Airlines, both set up a secret deal to stitch up passengers by fixing the price of their fuel surcharges. Virgin Airlines then says “Ooooh Mr Regulator we so sowwy. We been bad people and have done naughty things with BA”. British Airways get fined £121million and Virgin get told to not do it again and let off with a bollocking.!!! How in the hell is that a deterrent.? All they had to do was agree on this to begin with and then both pay half the fine, whilst raking in the mullah all the while.! Truly bizarre.

It’s like someone smoking in school with his mates and then going and ‘fessing up to the teacher so THEY get a punishment but he gets let off for being good. Shocking.

That TV programme about the guy dying from Alzheimer’s Disease REALLY riled some people when it was said that his death scene was faked. Oh my goodness me people… what on earth are you on about.??? The poor guy died anyway and all the people phoning into Radio Two were complaining because they were robbed of watching a proper live death (oxymoronic or just plain moronic).?

So the poor wife lied but surely this is a great deal different to fixing a phone in competition or thieving £2 million off of people calling to vote for various things on Channel 4.! It is heartily sick that someone could WANT to willingly watch someone die. Yes I admit it, I have watched in fascination at various motor sport crashes, but they tend to be quick, violent and you very rarely see the actual driver in tin tops. THIS was a man and his long term partner being split apart through a terribly debilitating disease. Some people amaze me greatly.

And I did notice that bridge collapse in the US of oversized A. Maybe this would be a good time to point out the irony of a lot of very big motor vehicles with a lot of very big, fat Yanks in them causing a large concrete structure to fail. Ahem.

I was videoed for the BBC earlier. Did you know that.? Took part in an interview along with my manager and a woman called Julie.

(oh and I should mention BBC meant Bridgwater Broadcasting Company, from our warehouse. Oh well. Almost famous. Maybe I should have got my knob out… hmmmmmm. *rubs chin thoughtfully*)

LATE NEWS
I see Kerry Katona has lost three stone of unnecessary fat… she has had her head chopped off.

Quick blog stats update…

Trisha Goddard features twice. Once in stockings and once in relation to her show and a stripper. Someone else wanted to search for my name and one more person decided to have a butchers for chavtown.co.uk. As my stats reset every month that is all I have to offer tonight. I am sorry for such a small wad. I shall give it a week and see what pops up. OH.!!

And last month Lemony won the “who sends me most hits” competition… so have a banana young lady. Peel it first.