The people who keep a close watch on the adverts we see on TV have decided to stop the reshowing of the classic “Tony Hancock – Go to work on an egg” ads from the middle of the last century… and why.? Because eggs are unhealthy.

Since when.!?!

They are high in protein and from a natural source. As part of a balanced diet they can be very nutricious and a good way to start a hard day at the office or a hot day at a coal face. But sadly the BACC, who are those “experts” behind our visual and aural communication controls, seem unable to grasp the fact that people do not wish to be looked after continuously.! The spokeswoman on Jeremy Vines’s show on Radio Two today said that “some people can’t eat eggs, they may be allergic or have bowl disorders that occur with relation to eggs”. See what she said there.? Allergy to eggs is obviously a serious thing, but just like people who have allergies to peanuts, the general public who are unable to eat eggs without self destructing their bodies are UNLIKELY at best to follow the advice of the advert and eat an egg a day.!

This all boils down to one thing. The nanny state kicking us in the gonads one more time. If I want to eat an egg a day then I bloody well will. I might look up the effects of stuffing chicken albumen repeatedly down my face up to fourteen times a week but I shall make sure the people I get the statistics off of are NOT labelled as “experts”. Just like the “expert witness” in the sad case of a mother jailed for murdering who two small children (who was aquitted after the expert witness doctor in the prosecution was described as being a “fucking retard” (possibly)) these are people with few qualifications who, in that spokeswoman’s own words “asked other experts for their opinions”. Ridiculous. Do as you please. Eat an egg. Eat three or four if you so desire. Take up throwing sofas at tramps. Or even better, start taking pot shots at “experts” in the street with EGGS.!

And now some search queries…

“Vaginal discharge when i poo at 7 weeks pregnant” – Ah. I love it when I get that. Harriet, you have this to look forward to.!
“Really pissed cant remember if i shagged him kate” – Genius. Which Kate are we talking.. and why ask this question online… as if someone called Kate would remember.! And being so drunk that you don’t remember if you actually shagged him is pure class.!
“People who love inserting things into their rectum” – I guess it is a hobby I suppose, but at least you get more respect shoving stuff up your chuff than you do with caravanning.
“Robbie Williams haywain” – And there was me thinking it was Constable who painted the haywain not some lame arse waster from Stoke on Trent.
“You should hear her sing when i ram it up her arse” – It would appear Charlotte Church’s other half is on the web looking up what she used to get up to before she met him. I bet I could make her hit top C without evening trying.!
“Ringpiece” – Simple, clean, kills all known libido.
“Definition of pulling a bird” – For those who are not sure if rubbing your knob up and down a photo of Britt Eckland counts as “a date”.
“Rate my ringpiece” – I would give it five out of ten. Would have been higher if you had wiped it first.
“Madhur Jaffrey’s lime pickle” – Is this a euphemism.? Or is this just a recipe search.? Having seen her on TV I would happily eat her food, but I would never lick her pickle… lime or otherwise.!
“Gay ginger men with beards” – And suddenly my thoughts turn to worrying things. Hehe.
“Sweaty arse cheeks” – Yes I have… right now. No idea why. Must be this warm weather.
“Phone a wank” – Like dial a pizza.? One quick phone call and it’s handjobarama delivered to your door.
“Carolyn inserting a bottle” – Carolyn, stop that. It isn’t nice.
“Michael Barrymore death pool tin arse” – I understand most of this but not the tin bit… does he have a pair of iron nuts to go with his tin arse.? Perhaps a nice aluminium foreskin.?
“Donna shag” – I suggest WITHOUT the chilli sauce, otherwise ouchy.!!!
“Fat german wankers” – Any need for the word Fat.? The rest seems normal enough.
“Big Brother menstrual” – Let us all hope it ends in a blood bath. Pleeeease let someone die on this god forsaken programme.!

And here endeth the lesson.

Much as I detest the tabloid journalists in this world there are moments when the broadsheet hacks of this country seem intent on showing just how blithely shallow and just plain ignorant they can be.

You see, I have just been reading a few words (or to put it another way a rambling three pages which could have been condensed into two paragraphs) by the Times journo, Michael Gove. I must admit I do not read newspapers unless I am forced into it by having read every other piece of paper in the dentists, I find them filled with the modern equivalent of Goebbels style propaganda but tend to have slightly less credibility than the former Nazi’s words.

Mr Gove says this… that Formula One is not worthy of having a star such as Lewis Hamilton. That the sport itself is inane, unable to show all the integral action and just plain boring.!

I shall present the defence in just three short paragraphs…

1, No other type of sport EXCEPT motor sport requires such a fitness level as Formula One. Top class marathon runners do less work than an F1 driver in easier circumstances. VERY few footballers, cricketers or athletes could even keep pace.

2, Formula One may be the playground of the super rich but is that not true of any sport.? At a lower level there are plenty of forms of motor sport that you can delve into without breaking the bank. It isn’t F1 but the racing is just as frantic.!

3, I invite Mr Gore to sit down and watch some of the classic races of all time, Dijon-Prenois in 1979, Senna vs Prost throughout 1988/89/90, Mansell vs Piquet Silverstone 1987, Hakkinen vs Schumacher in 2000.

I suggest, dear boy, that rather than watching such inane sports such as cricket, football, rugby, golf, take your pick, you should start watching Formula One with a more open mind. Then try the touring car races, maybe throw an IndyCar race in there as well. Sooner or later you might get the idea that pretty boy footballers may be more “in your face” physical action wise, but they deserve a fraction of their over inflated wages when compared with the ultimate in athletic challenges. Put Ronaldo in a MacLaren, put it on a track with a 40 degree air temp and let him drive without a chance of taking a moment to reduce his concentration for almost two hours and let us see how long he survives. You can be subbed as a footballer, you can take a breather at half time, you can have a few moments while the ball is at the other end of the field but try that at 190mph and see which bits of your car you see breaking off first.

This talent show that has (thankfully) just finished on television. What was the point of it.? It’s just that it seems that Simon Cowell has devised a format so that he makes more money and, well that is about it.!

The judges are Mr Cowell (naturally, because his judgement is always better than anyone else’s… Will Young, Michelle McManus, Hear Say, etc, etc), Amanda Holden, a woman with the same amount of talent as a scotch egg and Piers Morgan, one of those irritating people who are branded “Press” when they should have the word “Punch” on their hats instead.

Just stop. Oh dear GOD please stop. Singing six year olds (send her to Portugal), a paedophile with a big organ, ahem and an opera singer. That is not talent, that is a bad day in casualty.!

Oh and thanks to Hwang for this little bit of interesting data…

Now we have our own personal countdown to that first cool pint on a Friday night.!!! Genius.! Cheers Hwang.

Just a quickie… read a piece on the Guardian Online website, left them this comment about two of our sportstars…

“You should never compare Beckham and Hamilton. One is an exposure hungry tetchy waste of money, the other is a low paid genius, with a car advantage but the coolness of a steady head to win over vastly more experienced drivers.

Hamilton and the other 21 F1 drivers along with their countless partners in the world of motorsport risk their very existance through hurtling round tracks at anything up to 230mph, Mr Beckham kicks a ball around with 21 other men and occasionally falls over to attempt to claim a free kick or penalty.

Hamilton is worthy of national pride.

Beckham is worthy of a haircare advert and that is about it.”

Oh yes.

Yes all the personal photos… not many I admit but they are lovely. I will post some to the myspace comments of each person who is in them.!

Monkey, relaxing with a can of cider in sight (but no vomit).!

Angel BEFORE she turned into the human torch via sunburn.

A lolly takes the place of a boyfriend for a few days for Jade.

Me and Lemony sweaty, burnt but moist in other places too.!

Using my mug, Miss Sparks enjoys a cuppa char.

Katie and Kitten share everything. Even underwear sometimes apparently.

Me and Angel at night. I look better in the dark apparently.

Angel and Lemony flop it all out for the lads. *Wolf whistles*

Moi, looking too hot and half naked under a warm canvas.

Stew, in 75 degree heat, wearing every item of clothing in sight.!

In the interests of public safety and just to assist a fair few people who seem to have a medical NEED to know this information I wish to present the following…

“Sarah Beeny has a bra size of the following 36DD/36E”.

Everyone got that now.? Marvellous stuff. Oh, and no, I don’t have any photos of her with them on display (sadly) or any other kind of sexual act that she may have ever attempted.

Something I omitted from my blog yesterday that I must get off my chest. To the lady and her friend in the “Mange Tout” cafe at the entrance to St Nick’s market in Bristol. When I am eating a very tasty sandwich consisting of pastrami, dill, mustard and sour cream there are a number of words I don’t wish to hear. In fact there are a few sentences I don’t wish to have float towards my lug ‘oles as well. Specifically your conversation contained a couple of these bad phrases, they were the following.

“I had to have an emergency hysterectomy” and more importantly
“My womb kept flooding so they had to empty it and then give me some injections to keep it that way until I had been to the wedding”. For fuck’s sake lady have some decorum. Next time I hope your bloody colon prolapses during the second part of Midsomer Murders. Talk about ruining a decent sarnie.!

I have spent a nice day dozing and watching “Coupling” at Angel’s house. Thank you hunny, was a lovely day with plenty of ketchup and cheese sandwiches. Woop.!!!

Firstly I have a brief but necessary goodbye to say to a much loved old friend… I have known you for many a year, enjoyed your little quirks and travelled many miles to college, the Mall, town etc, with you. The sound of your turbo charged roaring engine will be as much longed for as the thumping of the National’s motor. Rest in Peace, the Firstbus Leyland Lynx. Sigh.

I been in ole Bristle town most of today, doing the shopping thing with my brother before spending a delightful hour in the B.R.I for one X-ray (him) and some jellybabies (me). Did buy a new pair of trousers which I think would better suit him than me and the newest Bowling For Soup album. Woop.

Two days to the weekend… should be an interesting one (greatest understatement EVER).! Off with Lemony to see Pouty at the tea rooms on Friday (ah two good friends and fried food. Does it ever get better than that).?!

I have been buying more DVD’s again. I am going to need more shelves at this rate… this time around “ve are havink” zer Wictorvia Vood, Series Von und Two (sorry slipped into a little German there, sorry Herman, I shall pull it out again) and a 10 DVD box set of Sir David Attenborough.

If I can have two idols in my life then aside Jarvis Cocker stands Sir David. Having had the honour of participating in a live webcast a couple of years ago with him, his most recent series “Life in the Undergrowth” stands proudly on my shelf as one of my favourite factual works. From a young age I remember sitting fascinated watching him in caves, up trees, underwater, even in a termites nest.! He has been the basis for my love of all things natural (especially the entomological side of course) and his sheer enthusiasm for seeing an event in nature, such as the popping of a seed pod or the emergance of a mayfly from it’s cast pushes me ever deeper into a world I cannot understand but so desperately want to.

So now I own four of his greatest works. Three solid days of information, pictures, macro videography of that bizarre wide world that we exist in. Fan-bloody-tastic.!!!!!

This has really got my goat. REALLY pissed me off beyond belief. No it is nothing to do with fat kids, bad parenting, the French, the Americans, Firstbus, Tony Blair, Michael Schumacher, Reality Television shows or BMW drivers…

It is in fact that the Church of England has made me get all girly and defensive over a company that I detest.! Sony has “borrowed” the interior of Manchester Cathedral for use in one of their games which involves lots of shooting and making things go bang-bang. Now as far as I am aware there are no copyright rules protecting the use of interior footage (especially where public buildings are concerned) and that any house/doctor’s surgery/stadium/butcher’s shop is fair game to be recreated electronically and then bounced around in whilst holding several large weapons and a vast array of pyrotechnic devices.

So the C of E, such as it is plans to sue Sony for an undisclosed amount of money. Now Sony have never been one of my favourite electrical producers, they invent things that only work with Sony equipment and cause a complete arse up of every industry standard whenever something new appears on the market (see Betamax, Blueray, Memorystick/pro/duo). They also produced the Playstation.

I HATE the Playstation. When it came out it was all woo and yay but after comparing it to the cartridge based N64, the system it was up against in the marketplace, I discovered it was slow, had awful graphics and left me feeling like someone had replaced console gaming with a piece of paper and some crayons. Then out came PS2 up against the GameCube. Now I love the GameCube, it had great games and was kinda tiny with nice controllers. The PS2 again left me wanting.

But all that aside, I HATE the church more, especially the Church of England, which was created SPECIFICALLY so that a fat King could divorce one or two of his wives 400 years ago, ish.! So the reason they are suing Sony is not so much for a breach of copyright, it is actually more about the “disgraceful use of the building in a violent computer game”. Which is a bit odd.

“Odd.?” I hear you cry. Well yes, because christianity has always been a rather violent religion at the best of times. The Crusades for instance, where Richard the Lionheart rode through the Middle East with a load of knights and shagged, stole or slayed everything that wasn’t tied down, all in the name of a made up deity who has the same presence as a mosquito fart. Then you have the Spanish Inquisition, garotting non-believers, every other priest buggering choir boys behind those big organ pipes and throw in a little witch burning just for good measure.

So come on C of E, sort it out. You instantly look like a big group of scroungers the second you attempt to sue a large corporation for using the inside of a building. Not wishing to point out how similar a lot of larger churches and cathedrals actually are, but it wouldn’t be hard to draw from memory a basic form of one as I sit here now… going to sue me for sketching it out.? I doubt it…

…you wouldn’t have a prayer.!

And now a quick run down of the search strings I have gained in the past few days…

“Chuckee round table” Suddenly the knights and King Arthur all turned ginger and put on nappies.
“phil daves holiday bar kate birmingham” If you can explain this then please tell me.!
“oh you bastards dance track” Not heard this one… probably contains men… as in “men are bastards”.
“Avril Lavinge showing her tits” Has she got any.? Is she legal yet to show he wabs off.? Would anyone want to see them rather than just panning her fucking face in for that “Girlfriend” single.?
“Jim is a fucking dmu’s” Jim would appear to be a class 108 without headcode box in blue/grey numbered B965 (a prize to the person that explains where I am coming from).
“Wank off phone lines” I just phone someones mum and get them talking about surgical tights… does it for me.!
“Peeing too much in kids” Now is this over use of diuretics such as caffeine.? Or Letting loose whilst abusing them.?
“Pressure washers near Highbridge” Clean people.? In southern Somerset.?? Fat chance.!
“Ringpiece” Simple, effective, tastes great with a cheese and marmite sauce.
“Lesbian data gingerbeer” Jeremy Clarkson eat you knob off.!
“is sarah beeny pregnant with her third child” No. She just has massive tits.
“arse imagesize:large” My favourite this time around. Hwang, this must have been you. Not only searching for the “arse” word but you want them large. Hehe. Love you matey boy.!

To cut a long story short, we came home. With Angel gone early in the morning and myself feeling very poorly through stomach and general “fever” related stuff, it was a sad decision to miss the last day and night but I am glad I did.

Thanks to everyone that made it a great weekend up to that point… Sarah, Stew, Lemony, Monkey, Kate, Katie, Jade, Angel, Lucy, Jon, Colin, Joe, Hwang, Brownie, Kate, James, Chris and all the rest of you, it was great. Same time next June if my body improves.?

And Lewis Bloody Hamilton. You stonkingly great driver you. So well done.!!! Oh, Sato and Wurz, well done done too. What a fucking race.!!! Get well soon Robert.!

They say that metal is the route of all evil. It is a lie. Hearing Slayer and Megadeath made me wonder. Well I say watched, we actually sat by the side of the stage and listened. Bowling For Soup too, they were all so good. There must be a god if it lets music be that good.

So today has been so hot and sweaty. And now to the evening. I am sorry this is so short but red wine has been drunk and Lemony has been stood up on the loo seats watching men piss. Lmao at that. What a day.

Well here sits Bunny. On an air bed with 60,000 sweaty goths, emos, rockers and punks. Marvellous. Very warm today, after yesterdays cool wind. Probably best weather for putting up tents in.! Got a fair amount of space but we have a big group here.

Just waiting to see the first band, Paramore, bout half five. Smoked way too many fags and drunk way too many beers already. Kitten has been offered use of a cork to prevent the need for the loos, which thankfully have the chemicals in. Still not nice when you look down, but at least the smell is not so bad! And so to this evening, will Bunny drink all the rest of his beer.?

Will Hwang manage to eat some kind of food.?

Will Monkey throw up cider all day.?

Find out in tomorrow’s thrilling episode of Download 2007.!