I love fish. No I am not claiming to be Sandy Toksvig, I just really enjoy eating seafood. Why don’t more people like the wet food though.? Think of the size of our oceans and seas, now there is a LOT of types of fish, crab, lobster, shellfish.! As the sort of person who will eat anything, the idea of having another source of animals to scoff always makes me happy. Once I have chowed down on every single living organism on the land I can grab a rod, whip out some bait and see what I can catch.!

Surely there can’t be that many reason why people don’t eat fish.? So many recipes, a hint of dill here, stuffed with basil, rosemary and butter there. One of my favourite snacks is a simple bowl of cockles with pepper, salt and lots of vinegar. Actually any fish with those three ingredients work well. Cold of course.! So people of England, take up thy marine animals and get your mouth fishy.! Do not be afraid of the lesbian overtones, no one will mind.!

Anywhooooo…

Big Brother is back. Oh. God. Why.? Just why.!?! It is out dated, lame and shit. I thought the viewing public had, perhaps, moved on past this dire format of cheap slave TV. It’s the televisual equivalent of the Germans chucking Jews into labour camps and then making them build things for them free of charge. Channel 4 throws 12 people into a jail house and then rakes in the cash whilst people like poor old me have to put up with fat cunt DJ’s (yes Moyles) talking endlessly with a gay welshman (male sheep only) about inane goings on of people I ACUTALLY WISH WOULD DIE. But this time out there is a more evil twist.

You see the Police actually have a group of coppers ON SITE monitoring, yes MONITORING the sodding “housemates” (which will be called the BBBOW (big brother bunch of wankers) from here on in). Now guess which poor bastard is paying for all that.? Yes. You, me and the rest of the gullible world. The whole lot is coming out of tax payers money.! What the hell.!? This is a private venture run to make money by Endemol and Channel Four and WE are paying to look after their security. I suppose I do have the chance that our usually incompetent Police force will end up shooting one or two of the BBBOW’s (thinking they are terrorists) so there is a little hope. Fingers crossed people.!

The two guys who got let off for trying to destroy the engines on B-52s at an RAF base have both been let off… I won’t go on, but the only shining light from this catastrophically stupid decision is that they were US planes, so would have ended up dropping bombs on our boys anyway.!

And now some search strings…

“peugeot 306 dun up to fuck” You have a kid somewhere don’t you. Or several across the estate. Your current girlfriend is called Chelsea and you wear a white tracksuit. Yes.? Thought so.
“dirty slappers that take it up the arse” I have always found it is the more clean living ones that like it up there. Frankly putting my cock anywhere near the ringpiece of a girl described as dirty makes me gag.
“young council slappers fucking” The lowest form of porn one wonders.?
“live whelks delivered” See fish blog at the top of this post. But useful if you wish to recreate that great meeting of minds, Jordan and Victoria Beckham, when they both had vaginal discharge issues.
“sexy uk scally’s” Hairy men with beards… sexy. Hmmmm. Nope, still nothing on the peckerometer.!
“ian baker sex with a tramp” Bluey.? Something to do with you.?
“ian baker andrew beaton gay sex” Again… who is doing this.?!?!? Sometimes I do wonder if people purposely try and hit my site with stuff like that. Other than that there are two guys out there with great names but poor taste.!
“sarah beeney inserting things” YES. Told you I could make people find my own blog .
“a photo of a nurse in a hospital gives a child suppository in the childs bum” This makes my head spin. Perhaps searched for by the same person who has wandered off with a certain four year old, yaaaaawn.
“sarah beeney mobile up scooch” Oh I like that. Big boobs and a Nokia N95 shoved right up her chuff.!
“big bums of toilets seats” “Of toilets seats”.? Not “on toilet seats”.? Nothing to do with me, guv.!

That will do for now I think. It will satisfy Mr Flop… err… Hwang’s lust for my written words. Bye for now.!

We all drink too much. Do you know that.? Well yes of course you do because like myself you are all well adjusted, socially responsible people with a clear knowledge of what levels of alcohol a beverage may contain.

But now the Government, such as it is, wants to introduce signs on the side of bottles and cans to illustrate how much each container has inside, in the way of alcohol. I just can’t seem to understand this at all. I know if I go out and drink one pint it contains two units. Pretty simple. If I have an alcopop then it drops to about one and a half units. A shot of vodka, one unit. It is all so easy to remember. We don’t need to be told how much is in something because everyone already knows. It is the same with cigarettes. I know if I smoke them then I severely increase my chances of catching several diseases, inhaling lots of nasty chemicals although it does add the classic chat up line “Do you have a light” to the repetoire.

But even so, there really cannot be anyone in the country that doesn’t understand that if you go out and drink 12 pints and wake up in a field surrounded by horses, or leaning against a church wall, or throwing up whilst going down a slide in the park, that you are doing some damage to your body. In relation to a lot of my friends I do drink less, because my body cannot take as much (damn you, small liver and quick metabolism). Why not stop pissing around wasting money which I give you via my income tax and you piss it away via stupid, pointless initiatives which carry no real value at all.

There is only one time when you need to know there is alcohol in your drink, and that is when you are pregnant. It’s easier than you think though. If you look down and see a bump that isn’t fuelled by pies and/or cakes then don’t go in to a smoke filled beer room. I remember years ago in Uropa, now called Vision, tch, a young girl, probably about 7 months pregnant, whizzing her tits off with a fag in one hand and a bottle of VK in the other. I have never wanted to punch a woman so much at any other moment of my life (unless you include my ex-girlfriend Caroline who really needed a good thump to sort out her lack of any kind of consideration for anyone).

You can tell it is a bank holiday can’t you. Apart from the fact I am sitting at home and the weather is crap there are two more indications that I use…

Firstly Radio One fill their usually poor standard DJ list (overpaid, over happy with bad music, irritating) with amateur DJ’s who have the same amount of talent as JK and Joel (ie none), but even less impact on the airwaves.! The two running the breakfast show this morning would have been more in place on a mortuary’s “in palour” radio station. Twas like having a post mortem whilst still being alive.

The other way is the abundance of scatty looking Saxos, Puntos and other pointless vehicles whipping around the town. Having a four cylinder engine and assuming sticking four inches of tin can on the exhaust will make it sound better is a bit like taking a can of autoglym to a dog plop (polishing a turd, if you can’t see that one coming). The only time four cylinder engines sound good are when they are used in a 1980’s turbo model F1 engine… 1.4 litre, twin turbochargers, 1200bhp, revving at 11,000rpm. Now THAT is how a car should sound. Alternatively just buy a decent fucking car you chavvy retards.

Incidentally, which little genius in the land of Q, Sky channel 362, decided that out of all the amazing bands that this country has produced, that the 35th best was The Feeling and 34th was Goldfrapp.!? Can I assume it was another of those “40 greatest UK bands EVER (that have been around only as long as 2005 otherwise it will piss off our viewers who will all assume they are watching Bliss)”. I guess so.

Mooooooooooo.

I read a lot. People are never surprised to hear that. I am high in the “full of bloody trivia” table and I absorb information like a sponge. On an irrelevant note, I am sure you know how much I love to know everything about everything (except three main areas, iffy American import TV drama programmes such as ‘West Wing’, ‘Lost’, ‘24′ and ‘Nip and Tuck’. I also don’t care for the history of Opera or Religion).

Now in my travels I search for bits of data that fill in the small gaps in my head. You know how you sometimes see something in a book and you wonder how it actually was in real life. Well whilst reading the insightful Berlin by Anthony Beevor the other day I was struck by the image of the katayusha rocket launcher, nicnamed ‘Stalin’s Organ’ due to the noise it made when firing. This was over fifty years ago now so how on earth can I understand the noise made by the thirty-two rockets stuck on the top of a truck being fired all at once. Thankfully the internet has provided me with the youtube.com website and some little genius has a small 6 seconds of footage of the launchers with sound. Go and have a quick look.

CLICK THIS LINK FOR VIDEO

Impressive.? Well now go and imagine being on the receiving end of fifty vehicles worth of rockets, stuck in a little German foxhole, along with normal tube artillery firing continuously for over two hours at a time.! Just the sound broke men, tore them apart both physically and mentally. I can’t even begin to picture the horror of hearing the firing of a battery and knowing what was to come seconds later.!

And keeping knowledge and the internet in mind shall we have some more amusing search referers.? Yes.? Oh right then…

“Fuck mates” As in “fuck buddies” or “should I screw my friends.?”
“black dudes in their cars stuck in mud videos” Now I am sure we all have strange things that turn us on but on the grand scale of erectile weirdness this one rates very high.!
“oap with big tits” Nothing like a photo of Mother Teresa with a gigantic pair of pendulous mammaries. Or maybe the Queen holding her titties together whilst Prince Phillip rubs his nose between them.
“men wanking” Over cars.? In bed.? Oh just in general. Right ok then.!
“andrew beaton sailing” Very easy to make a navy gag here. Not sure if I should. The little camp boy might hit me.!
“ian baker is a bastard” Apparently I am a bastard. I don’t believe it. I know who my father is.! Most of the kids in Weston don’t know their father… some of their MUM’s don’t know who the father is either.
“men in bras photos” Ah the old sight of a sweating plumber from Stoke wearing a Playtex ‘Cross Your Heart’ boulder holder and smiling sweetly through a massively bushy moustache at a camera held by a station porter called Norris from just outside of Chester.
“vorderman flax cookie” No I really have no idea. Help me here.!
“i am seeing dave from street cars” What a proud boast.! Just one question… Who is Dave.???
“fucking polish immigrants” In my defence I have never fucked a pole. Or been fucked by one. Ah unless someone is unhappy to see so many Polish people infiltrating this country. Or maybe it is just a little annoyance at the Mr Sheen bloke.?
“i need a gram of cocaine” Just one gram.? And why look on the net.? Are you expecting to find a website with free delivery in your area.? Maybe Amazon can start flogging it.
“thick bastards” See, even my friends get a mention sometimes. Hehe. Nah I love you all really.!!!

More on some other occasion. I have an OXO cube to eat.!

Well after that last blog I was expecting a backlash from middle class doctors and stupid parents, but it would assume I am not the only person thinking the same thing. Good good.! I did hear that the McCanns have visited the Shrine of Fatima. Wow.! I am impressed that a 1980’s athlete is still so popular in Portugal.! I bet Tessa Sanderson wishes she had the same notoriety as Miss Whitbread. On the same story I see Eastenders are rewriting a child abduction story “so as not to cause offence”. Well I hope they also rewrite the whole damn soap because it ALL offends me. Pandering to the minority.

Ah and while we are on the BBC what in the name of bloody hell is wrong with people complaining about Jeremy Clarkson calling a car gay.!? He isn’t suggesting it is homosexual, he suggested it was a bit “ginger beer”, as in queer, as in gay, as in lame/poor quality/a bit wanky. Why do some people (again a minority) who are indeed gay, enjoy being able to see something offensive that isn’t there.! I often call people “gay” when they are being stupid. I am not saying they love to have a big willeh up their bottom, I am suggesting they may be less than clever. Those of you who for some ridiculous reason WERE offended by Mr Clarkson’s remark should be reminded that the word gay has only been stolen to describe homosexuality in relatively recent times. It used to mean happy and light of humour. If a word’s meaning can change once then it can change again, just deal with it.

What is the matter with you faggots (the Mr Brain’s kind with mushy peas and gravy obviously).!?!

I see someone has ripped the guts out of “Not Over Yet”, the classic mid 90s dance track by Grace and turned it into a pile of Indie sounding faeces. Just not good. Then today I hear ANOTHER song, which a while back was a lovely classic dance song has been given the “we have run out of musical ideas, steal someone else’s quick” treatment. Back in 1996 the Lisa Marie Experience released “Keep On Jumping”. Twas a corker of a track, bouncy, just the right speed, full of bass. And now.? Well now someone has ripped it to shreds, slowed it down juuuuust enough to make it unlistenable and shat it all over the radio. Well thank you very much. Oh and Fall Out Boy… what the fuck are you doing.? Ruined it. RUINED I TELL THEEEEE.!

Talking of the radio (yes, him again, you know where I am heading). Why on earth does a certain fat waster who runs Radio One’s over-rated breakfast show think he is funny. Hearing him trying to rip apart Blind Melon’s “No Rain” track this morning made me want to stab myself in the heart through sheer embarrassment that he assumes he can pass that off as entertainment. I am looking forward to the day when the Fire Brigade are called to remove “Comedy” Dave’s head from Moyles’s ass.

Barclay card are apparently attempting to slip in a £25 charge for people who don’t use their cards enough.! Classic. There is a very easy way out. Do what I did and cancel your account with them, calling them money-grabbing bastards and make sure when you run your card through a slot for the last time it is the MD’s arse cheeks for the deepest cut yet.! HSBC offered me a card with an annual fee on it. They pointed out because my interest rate was lower I would SAVE money. But their flawed logic didn’t point out the obvious fact that I would save money on interest only if I used the blasted thing.!

The Russians seem oddly unhelpful over the block on extraditing the alledged murderer of former spy, Alexander Litvinenko. When you consider that this is a country that has such a history for poor human rights it hardly seems thinkable that they would stop the handing over of an agent who killed one of their former spies. Surely they can see that the way they can rid themselves of the actual person who did the deed, without having to lift a finger. Then again the entire history of the USSR since Stalin turned up has been a long and oft repeated story of paranoia that “the people” will fail to love the country, nay, the PARTY as much as they should. For instance, during the siege of Stalingrad the 62nd army executed THIRTEEN THOUSAND “traitors” for “anti-communist activity”. That broad banner covered desertion, self inflicted wounds, even picking up a Nazi propaganda leaflet to use it for rolling into a mahorka tobacco filled cigarette.! Stalin was so sure his troops were lying to him that he failed to realise that there was 3.1 MILLION Germans on his border and millions died kicking the little sods back out again.! (Edit – Yes Chuckie. I know he knew they were there, I meant that he didn’t realise they were there for the sole purpose of kicking his Red Army bum cheeks all the way back past the Urals).

But the most bizarre thing is that after fighting for the Motherland as a Russian you could STILL be arrested by the SMERSH Counter-Intelligence people for no apparent reason and stuffed off to a gulag in Siberia.! One of the victorious generals from the “Great Patriotic War” who happened to be half Polish, was punished for that simple reason. Another general ended up worrying because he thought he had been denounced by the NKVD (SMERSH’s former name) but his fear was actually unfounded… until four years later when he was arrested for LITERALLY no reason on the say so of Abakumov who ran that department.

Are the Soviet Government so worried about us finding out that this was all a KGB (now known as the FSB) plot that they are going to make the murderer “disappear”.? Fiver says they do.!

Ah it would appear to be that time of the week where I post an extremely contentious and controversial blog and spend the rest of the evening regretting it… So here goes then…

Am I the only person who has heard and seen the destruction of the Cutty Sark and thought “How sad and terrible” but then totally glossed over a missing four year old child who, let’s face the truth here, is very unlikely to be found.? Maybe its because I am now so totally immune to the imagery of kids going missing that I have gone past caring as much as I used to. Do any of us? Ok so various of us put up pictures saying find her but what good is that going to be within such a closed online society such as myspace?

And more importantly… In the big scheme of things do we mourn the loss of one child but ignore the significance of a one off historical landmark that is irreplaceable and maybe lost for ever. Call me hideously callous if you want but I do like to step back and see a bigger picture. A lot of people have made light of the fact that if this was a small ugly child maybe our care would have been more displaced. Plus we have to remember that just because one first world child has gone, at the same time in poverty stricken and war torn areas in Africa, Asia, Latin America, who knows just how many little tykes have vanished, been murdered, used as toy soldiers.!

I am sure you are all wondering where my usual twist in the tale is? There isnt one. Simple as that, although suffice to say it is a terrible thing to suffer the loss of a child, maybe more care should have been taken in their security which I have mentioned in a previous post. I hope she is found alive and well, but then again I hope a tea clipper from a very important part of our naval and strategic heritage is restored to be enjoyed for a long, long time.

As usual Angel has given me the title for a blog (464 posts after this one, all with different names as far as I am aware, takes some thinking).!

Had a lovely night last night except for the green aftershock that went round the table in Phoenix, a little bit disappearing into each person on the way round, thanks Stew. I have never seen an entire table go “Ewwww *pulls face*” all at once.!

So what is up on the notice board for me to note down and shout about today.?

How about some rant shorts….

Still looking for Maddie then.? Sad but true that the family had left three young children alone locked (in theory) into a room while they were off eating. Stupidity strikes often in middle class families it would appear.

Neighbours has been poached from the BBC by Channel Five… expect it to slowly disappear down the toilet very quickly. Look what happened to Home and Away.! I think soaps have had their day. From 19 million in the late 1980’s when Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue graced the cast to 6 million viewers nowadays ratings have been dropping pretty quickly ever since.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Kate Moss, just stop. Please. Stop. Do nothing else, not one dress, not one gram of cocaine, not one more rancid, talentless waster of a “rock” star, just go and die quietly in a corner whilst choking on one of your own size 0 outfits.

I see someone has flogged off Princess Diana’s old bike (thought Fergie was the royal bike.?). Can we assume some bloke is sat at home sniffing the saddle now.?

The NHS is wasting £100million a year on unused drugs.! Can I make a quick suggestion, take drugs, crush them all, flog em as coke or heroin to the druggies in Weston. Then sit back and laugh.

Coastguards at Burnham are having to stop kids playing chicken during high tides, with the waves almost washing them away… Easier way would be to just watch them get pulled out to sea and then wave goodbye to these fuckwits.!

And a quick update with the few search terms that have suddenly appeared since I updated this page two days ago…

“Pick up the phone you lazy bastard cleese” – Obviously the former star of Fawlty Towers is very poor at answering the phone.
“underage shagged” – Errr nothing to do with me this one.!
“in blood” – Ah Mr Dracula, finally you discover my site. Or are we wandering down the same route as with menstral fucking.?
“single mothers faceparty” – Now SURELY the best place to find stuff about faceparty is on Faceparty.? Why come looking at my site and why bother with single mothers.! Lol. Especially ones from the North of England.
“men getting breast implants nail polish my wife told me i need a bra” – Wow, that is a lot of info in one sentence. So is this guy looking for big titted, nail polished men in bras.?
incest wanking – If you are tugging yourself off, is that incest.? Discuss (or disgust).
“ian baker+goth+queen of the damned+finch” – Hmmmm, seems someone knows I am a camp goth, also would appear they know Finch… or Hwang as we call him.! *runs and hides*.

That will do for now. More soon.! Byeeee.

Right as it is Angel’s birthday how about we all bump into the statistics page, take it for a drink and screw it in an alley (or maybe the woods) somewhere, hehe.

So without further ado (ado ado to you and you and you, can you hear the sound of music.?) let us proceed into the weird and wonderful world of mad people with access to a search engine.!

“mobile phones up arse bum anus rectum death” – Ok has anyone seen my Nokia.? Oh and what the hell is that smell.? But seriously, why so many different rectal words.? And why no ‘anus’, ‘poo chute’ or ‘ringpiece’.?
“cheating lover hijacked myspace page legal” – Err, shall we avoid that one due to past experiences.?
“Smacking big bums” – Well normally I would say the word “HWANG” very loudly at this point but as his new girlfriend would kill me it might be best if I don’t. I have found that smacking big bums isn’t as satisfying as smaller ones… too well padded, not enough reaction.
“Carol Vorderman sucks cock” – Aside from the scores of Vordie searches (including her in skirts, with breasts out, flaps on show, etc etc) I did wonder whether this internet lover wants to see the middle aged mathmatician fellating Des o’Conner or if he doesn’t seem to like her style much.! (Incidentally the next line is “Photograph Carol Vorderman wank off” – no note needed).
“Yellow cunts and bastards” – Now are we talking Chinese vagina with nasty pimps nearby or custard play.?
“Report bastard men online” – Have the intywebs been invaded by the secret police.? Am I going to get arrested for being a bastard.? Who cares.!
“I met you in weston super mare 12 may” – Definately my winner this week.! Just the instant desperation I sense from some guy or gal who spent £40 on bicardi breezers in the vain attempt to drown the already dubious morals of some cheap slapper in Vision/Sands/DK/Destiny etc etc and is hoping they might, for some unknown reason, be looking for them on the net as well. For fuck’s sake mate, there are plenty here, grab another and a do-it-yourself STD testing kit comes free with every third slag.!
“Stitchingbastards Karl” AND “elephant posing pouch” – I think the fact that those came in so close together is more revealing than anything else EVER.! Flea… I know it was you.!
“What can Sarah do this weekend in and around weston super mare” – Well THERE is a rather precise statement. What if the things that come up are only doable by someone called Kelly or Latitsia.? Sarah… if you want to know stuff to do then just ask.!
“Boy has genitals smacked” – Oh great, now Gary Glitter has discovered my site.! What next.? Michael Barrymore looking for info about cleaning pool filters.?
“Andrew Beaton” – *insert small gag here* (far away shout – ‘it’s not THAT small’).
“Dirty slappers” – Ok, Argos catalogue, cat number 750/7111 Challenge pressure washer, give ‘em a scour of that.
“Wife is a slapper” – I know. I have met her. But if you know that then why are you looking for it on here.?
“Jewellry shops in accrington” – Words cannot express my feelings about this statement. Northerner with jewellry.? Shit.!
“Are Scooch the Tweenies” – Well let us analyse the data… one are a group of clearly made up talent less retards who provide such a low level of entertainment only the under two’s would be impressed… and the other are a childrens TV programme.
“Pouty’s Pizza” – She prefers a footlong, I can assure you of that. No meat.
“menstrual fucking” – well that makes a come back after an absense of about 3 weeks… must be that time of the month (baDUM- ting).
“big titted tart in scooch” – Oh come on. That is just not right. You were knocking one out over Eurovision.??? Was it the deliciously deep tones of the Woganmeister.? Or the sight of that winning singer who looked like Roland out of Grange Hill.? Did you really cream one off the top over Lordi with their scary costumes as well.?!
“sarah beeney (insert usual words in here)” – And having put that, next week will bring a search line of “sarah beeney inserting things”
“piss” – only ONE hit.? really.?!

Well that will do me for now… bon appetit…!

So after weeks of waiting the announcement to announce when the PM will resign was finally announced earlier. Thankfully I missed the media hoopla when he announced the date on which he would announce which day he would leave, etc, etc.

And what has he left behind.? Well according to David Millibrand lots of good stuff, a better health service, more NHS help and we are being so lovely helping out in that little Iraq place.

Which is odd when you think about it. Hospitals have been closing down like branches of Courts, out of two new doctors (both of whom replaced other doctors, not supplemented them) in my clinic one is an ex US ambulance driver and the other is so hated through his own uselessness that people actively avoid getting an appointment with him.! Crime has bounced up as more and more offenders get sent on “community leave” rather than locking the fuckers up or accidentally throwing them downstairs in local cop shops (what happened to Police brutality, criminals on ventilators can’t do bad things right.?). Oh and if you do bother complaining when you car gets stolen, NOW you can be charged for the Police carrying out forensics on your car (if they find it) to work out who did it.! Bizarre. This leaves aside the fact that rail fares are now so high despite almost record passengers using them, that even I am seriously considering learning to drive again (shown this week as a rail company said it would increase fares on all it’s journeys from stations where it has NO competition, SURELY that is illegal).!?

Oh and the war in Iraq, Blair, you told us they had big nukes and chemmies and all we have found is a load of madmen with ‘taches and a large selection of ex-Soviet guns. Supposedly a man commited suicide when you blamed him for all the false info *cough* possibe MI5/MI6 cover up *cough*. Now our guys are getting shot to hell in a country that doesn’t want us or the bloody Americans in their place. Thanks.

I always considered Tone to be the political equivalent of Michael Schumacher. He has a smug grin, I wished he would fuck off and he did bad things and told lies. The difference is that while that annoyingly conceited Kraut was a cunt but STILL a top driver, ole King Blair was a very poor PM. If he had taken over from Chamberlain during WW2 we would have surrendered immediately to the Germans, they would be filling the country with Polish immigrants who were looking for work and we would have Berlin telling us what to do… hang on… he did that anyway.

And after all this we get stuck with some ugly Scottish twat (fuck off back to your OWN Parliament, we English can’t sit on that why should you sit on our’s) who seems determind to extract every last pound out of the country and use it for making us all carry a stupid little ID card and the wanking Olympics and we can’t even vote the bastard out for another two years.!

Oh, regarding the Olympics, did you know the former boss of Network Rail has been recruited to sort out the transport commitments for the whole shooting match.! Laugh.? I almost fouled myself. Is this the same guy who’s company killed a woman through bad maintanence just a few weeks ago by throwing a train into a field.?

Bring back Thatcher. Even semi concious and senile she would kick this country full of pikeys, spongers and dirty, slappy single muvers into line.

And Diana memorial concert.? Don’t even get me started.!!!

I had a dream the other night… it had badgers in it. I know a certain person dreamt of badgers the same night and also spent the previous day singing the Wombles theme… so did I.! Now how bizarre is that.?!

Actually my dreams recently have been remarkably vivid and totally bonkers. How often do you dream of ur ex and her sister in the bath with you peeing over them both.? Nope.? Thought not. Wouldn’t it be odd if dreams were real life though… would be almost like one of those blogs I do where I tell big lies about everything… *doses off at desk* “ZzzzzZZzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz” *random harp music*

So Friday night. What a strange night. Hwang had inflated both of his feet and turned up with a massive pair. Of shoes. Lemony, Angel and Brownie elected to visit a gentlemans outfitters before turning up at Bar 4 and all were dressed in a fine set of matching pin stripe suits, dicky bows and the sort of shirt that not even Liberace would have worn. I just wore an elephant posing pouch which meant my knob kept trying to force currant buns up my ass. Even after Sir Stewart and Lady Pouty, the newest gentry figures to grace the South West, the classiness of the conversation was still low. It dropped even further when “Lady” Pouty started igniting her farts and Stewart was caught slapping his semi erect genitals onto the upstairs bar whilst hollering “Taste my salty goodness”.

Would the night improve in Phoenix.? Would Hwang ever get his enormous plates of meat into Hobbits.? Would Pouty ever put out the raging inferno caused by the immolation of her underwear.? Read on to find out.!

After a quick foray to Wild Coyote, a short sword fighting sequence with a Samurai Bouncer, the ingesting of a bowl of live whelks washed back with a cup of bovril and Angel removing the barmaids ears with an angle grinder, we bumbled into Phoenix, Lemony running ahead shouting “The British are coming, THE BRITISH ARE COMING” and ringing a bell (think it was Chris’s). Drinks were bought, duels were provoked, footlongs were measured, sliced and covered in lettuce and sweet onion sauce. We were joined pro temp, by Giles and his pet gimp, Jim. Giles had decided to arrive in a pimped up 1988 Ford Escort replete with Bros singing “I Owe You Nothing” and gold curtains in the rear windows. Jim had fouled himself on the journey and had to be hastily hosed down on the balcony by Donna Summer and some bloke named Nigel. Hwang’s massive feet exploded at exactly 10.49pm and his shoes were last seen re-entering the earth’s atmosphere at mach 8 by an American missile tracking radar, before they burnt up over Worle.

We carried the footless Hwang to Hobbits (hehehehe, Hobbleits, ) while Nurse Angel applied a tinture of iodine to his stumps and then bound them tightly in newspaper to prevent loss of blood, bile, guilt, alcohol and cheese. The grater which was tucked into his socks at the time of the explosion was found in St James Street, still smelling vaguely of Primula spread. I had by this time lost all co-ordination in my hands and found myself playing Handel’s water music on a piano in a large puddle outside Scally’s. I made £4.35 in tips from drunken bikers and got one phone number from a large lad called Brian who is into painting himself green and hooting like Daffy Duck.

Hobbits turned out to be empty apart from Sexy David who had managed to flood the ceiling with a mix of helium and water and was drowning with a high pitched voice. Having thrown up a heavy life jacket we managed to contain the flooding to the upper floors and one passing seagull had to be shot, well you have to have a hobby.! David was none the worse for his experience, although his high pitched voice continued until later and was passed onto Hwang… we think.

Lemony made an event of herself by selling tickets to a Festival of Transport underneath her skirt. The steam from the traction engines sadly kept misting up her bra and she had to close earlier than intended, although a good time was had by all. One bus remains stuck. Brownie passed out early on in the club toilets whilst eating a multi-pack of Viscount chocolate and mint biscuits. A small terrier was sent in to the cubicle to wake her up but ate all the biccies instead and left messages all over the dance floor. Jim lost his gimp mask to a large polar bear near the bar and had to make do with a pair of Sir Stewart’s pants until a new mask could be fashioned from a black gothic pantyliner, with two eye holes cut in it.

What a great night it turned out to be… although Saturday night, with Husky playing the accordian whilst juggling pickled eggs and jiggling her breasts to the tune of “Young Girl” by Union Gap from 1968 may have been even better… you see…. zzZzZZ… wha.? What.?

OOooooh sorry, dropped off to sleep for a bit there.. now I was about to write a blog wasn’t I.?