Archive for April, 2007

Pier Pressure

Monday, April 9th, 2007

Oh deary me. Deary, deary, deary me.

I drank a little bit too much Friday. So apologies to everyone and ditto for last night (although my loo needs the biggest sorries as I was sick into it a bit Saturday night). The less said about the weekend the better I think, was fun but difficult.!

In other news, more F1, more points for the VERY quick rookie, Lewis Hamilton and a brilliant drive to a win for Alonso in his second race for the Maclaren team. Massa, what the hell were you doing.?!

Myself and Lemony were watching The Box earlier. Oh my. The “Rock” Download Chart. At number two was “The Fray”. Last time I looked, rock music was decent, upbeat (despite the tone of the song generally), catchy and fun. The Fray are a lacklustre pile of wank with several members for whom ritual sacrifice would be too good, for the awful music they are inflicting upon the world. I know I shouldn’t watch low budget music TV but why on earth put a chart up and then throw in stuff that bears no relation to the damn chart at all.! It’s like me making a top ten of all the best types of cheese in the world and voting a pasty in at number one. Tosh of the finest order.! (I should point out that at number ONE in this God awful chart, was that scraggily haired bottom lover, Mika. Why the world is being subjected to the screeching voice of this guy is beyond me. I just hope sooner or later he gets an invite to one of Barrymore’s pool parties).

So the Iranians let out the 15 naval personnel they had picked up. They were forced into telling their stories to the world by the Iranians and there was world wide outrage. Then they turn up in Blighty and the MoD forces them to tell their stories to the press, again, and instead of outrage they get paid.! That’s rather odd isn’t it boys and girls. I mean, they are armed forces personnel who are paid to do their duties which can mean them dying, being captured or forced to wear a tutu and paraded around the officers mess so why when something they expect happens are they allowed to collect a BIG payoff from the tabloids (such as they are).!? Ludicrous it is but true. That woman is a bit of a porker though.! How in hell did she fit on a frigate.!? She was more aircraft carrier sized. There are plenty of books around (like the iffy Bravo Two Zero, Gulf War SAS saga) that will fill you in on conditions in an arab nation under POW conditions. No one needs to turn on the news to see “Big Brother Iran” followed closely by “Big Brother MoD”.

I suppose we should be glad I didn’t even bother to read the pathetic ramblings typed into the little box next to the page three bint. Maybe I am getting old but I am failing to see the point of page three. I can look at tits everyday (just walk past the Town Hall when the “cunt”cil is in session and *BING* there you go) but opening up a page of a newspaper and finding some girl who is clearly over 35, but saying she is 19 (hmmmm, perhaps she means her IQ.?) with over inflated boobs giving her obviously uninformed opinion on Global Warming, third world debt or the state of the NHS just makes me want to vimto all over the place. Maybe if she appeared to have the intelligence to be able to tie her own shoelaces them she would be allowed to state her opinions in a more reasonable forum than next to her nipples in large pixel newsprint. But no. I have no problem with women “degrading” (if that is how you see it) themselves by flopping their mams out on camera and letting a 55 year old guy with a mac and some extra chunky glasses shooting away. That is their choice. I just think if you have a newspaper in front of you then it should be full of news, why else would you buy one except for the Sudoku (the amount of hits due to me using the words Carol and Vorderman is VERY impressive, usually her name as a search string also features the phrases “tits” “underwear” “naked” and “fisting Richard Whitely’s still warm corpse”).

On the subject of the aforementioned Sudoku number game, why in hell can you get an online SOLVER that you type the clue numbers in let it tell you the answer. Thats like peeking at the answers to the crossword before you have even bothered starting. Surely it isn’t for people who only half finish one and get stuck, you REALLY don’t need to know the answer right.? RIGHT.??? No one is sad enough to sit there at their PC thinking “Oh that’s the answer *slaps thigh*. How silly I am for not getting that, my surprise that the bloody grid is full of numbers is awe inspiringly large”. Nuts of the nuttiest kind. Oh and I cannot stand Sudokus, I should point that out. To me they are the quizzical equivalent of being trussed up in the same strait jacket as Ronald MacDonald and hurled in to the path of a speeding Hippo.

And as someone mentioned on the radio the other day, did you hear about the RAF pilot asked to go on a suicide mission, he bombed Poole Harbour. Hehehe.

Rock The Taskbar. Rock The Taskbar

Monday, April 2nd, 2007

Ok, look I am updating. See.?! Flea and Lemony have both bothered me with the fact I don’t put enough on this site of late, so here is a little something to tickle your fancy peeps.!!!

Great weekend, even if I didn’t get out of bed until 4.30pm Saturday and 3.30pm Sunday. Oops. Oh well, was fun.! Not bad in Hobbits either despite the annoying abundance of people who I really don’t care for. Two hilarious moments, Saturday, Angel and myself doing the “fall over, fall over, fall over” mental call on Alex. He fell over. Friday involved a conversation that went like this…

Lexi (whilst holding rose): “Hwang, take my flower”
Hwang (whilst proferring his gold ring): “Here, take my ring”
Lexi (whilst giggling): “My flower was taken ages ago to be honest”
Fluffy Bunny: “So was Hwang’s ring”.

Brilliant, hehe.

Let us have a few news shorts, saves me typing a big rant…

IIIIIINNNNN One…
Iran, sailors, easy to solve Tony, all you have to do is say “Sorry Iranian people, we were naughty”. Then we get sailors back into the country and go live to BBC One as Blair drops his pants and reveals a new tattoo ‘cross his cheeks proclaiming “We lied”. Simple and effective.

IIIIIINNNNN Two…
Drug dealer goes down for many long years under the nicname “The Milkman” due to his always delivering. Does that mean that you could order a couple of kilos of coke as well as a yogurt and some orange juice.?

IIIIIINNNNN Three…
Well done to Matt Neal winning the third race in the BTCC yesterday after a great drive in the first two as well. And all in a car that first was tested only ten days ago.! Shame the coverage is the usual advert filled highlight bullshit from ITV unless I wish to shell out £15 a MONTH for Setanta (Errr no. I refuse to give the Irish fuck all, even if they are suffering a potato famine. Again).

IIIIIINNNNN Four…
A woman who sued landlord after she drunkenly danced on a flat roof and fell through it has had her case thrown out by the CPS (thank god for that, sense at last). Now can someone do her for wasting court time and being a dumb bitch as well).?

IIIIIINNNNN Five…
Today marks the 25th anniversary of the invasion of the Falkland Islands. Everyone wants us to say sorry for the 200 year old slave trade so I think we can celebrate this one… Go paras, go SAS, go RN Air Service. Bloody sod you Argies.!

IIIIIINNNNN Six…
The welsh have banned smoking in all public places. Let us all pray they follow that with a complete ban on Catherine Zeta Jones.

IIIIIINNNNN Seven…
Glastonbury tickets have sold out in record time. Shame the bands all seem rather lack lustre. Bloody hippies. In Bill Bailey’s words… “New age people will walk through fire to get to a face painting tent”.

IIIIIINNNNN Eight…
The new Chatroom show, hosted by Clive Anderson on Radio Two (Saturday’s 12.30pm) is bloody funny. Try it.!

AAAAND BULLY’S SPECIAL PRIZE…
Surely this cannot be true. George W(anker) Bush has asked for “secret research” into using enormous mirrors to reflect some of the sun away. Words fail me. Twat.! Rather than pissing around with a 300 mile wide shaving mirror, why doesn’t he just tell the automotive lobby to start designing better, more efficient, cars.

Super smashing lovely… here’s what you could have won.!

(oh and I discovered a more annoying person that a BMW driver, a BMW driver in a 4×4 Beemer, on the bloody phone. Retard. Hope you fucking crash mate… and I hope your kid goes through the front head rest, your wife and the windscreen).