Good Tuesday fine people and welcome to Fluffy Bunny’s week off. The weather outside is delightful but cool, a slight breeze blows from the north and buffalo frolic camply on my back lawn. Errr, ignore that last bit.

Well I hope everyone enjoyed the new Hobbits on Saturday. Wasn’t it strange.!? Nice to be back though, there was a great feeling of home coming and lovely things like that. Save for that slippery floor round the bar, it was all marvellous. I swear the gents loos are twice as big as before but they just have some tiles on the walls now. Big thanks to Mark, Dom and everyone who created it.

I must apologise for being a complete and utter drunken bastard both Friday and Saturday nights. I hadn’t been drunk in over 7 weeks and I must have over-indugled. Hehe. So I hope to see you all out this Friday to make it REALLY happening in there.!

So do I have anything to rant about.? Well I did but I simply cannot remember what it was.!

*thinks*

Ah. I remember now…

This whole “apologies for the slave trade” thing (errr yes, I have indeed covered this before but I think we need a little reiteration here). Maybe it is just me or is it not the perfect time to stand in front of loads of people who’s ancestors were slaves and shout “FUCK YOU” at the tops of our voices.?

Sounds a little cheeky I know, but we didn’t do it. I do NOT have a black pygmy working under my stairs, ironing my socks. Nor do I have several Jamaican women in my kitchen creating a myriad of West Indian treats. As I said before, why in hell do WE, the MODERN people of NOW have to apologise.? Germany and Italy always whine on about how we “never let ‘em forget we beat them in two World Wars”, ditto the yanks who always say they saved us, but for fuck sake Yankee Boy, you lot turned up late TWICE and only really after you got the end of your cock shot off by the Japanese (a nation that should apologise for the stuff it got up to in WW2 but won’t. Oh and they should also apologise for school girl porn (watch my page hits ROCKET with that in my text), girl band Shampoo, Oolong noodles and ex-F1 driver Shinji Nakano). Let’s face it, if those Zeros and Kates had turned up a little earlier when your carriers were there then maybe, just maybe, you would have found yourself bitten in the ass by a nation who holds the idea of ritual self-sacrifice as sacred and useful. So if all that HAS to be forgotten then why not the slave trade. I am sure it wasn’t all that bad really. They got a trip on a nice big boat and some biscuits too remember.!

Now listen. It is not that hard to understand. I will apologise for stuff that England has done in MY living memory that I believe we should say sorry for. These things are (wait for it)…

The Tweenies, Tony Blair, Shane Richie, The Cast of Hollyoaks, Leyland cars, Crumpets, People from Yorkshire, The invasion of Iraq (due to our FUCKING LIAR of a PM), John Major actually being elected as a world leader (throw in Neil Kinnock as well in there, and Prescott), all of our Eurovision entrys since 1996 and Tara Palmer-Tompkinson.

But I must add a few “special requests” to this. For us to say sorry for anything I want World Leaders to apologise for their own countries foilbles. America needs to say sorry for George W Bush, McDs and anything involving reality TV, France have got to utter the words “J’désole” for existing at all. The Irish MUST apologise for Bob Geldof AND Bono and the Germans must apologise for a language that makes you sound like you are about to throw up when you speak.

Oh and NO ONE must apologise for a load of slaves, 200 years ago, who are now dead. If you want people saying sorry then go and get Stephen Hawkins to knock you up a time machine or start the enchant for resurrection and lets watch them beg for mercy as you slay them once more.

As a little aside I did notice the occasion was marked in London with a little ceremony (maybe some English people were chained in to a boat while a 7 foot Ethiopian whipped them). A “Human Rights” protestor was heard to call out “This is an insult to us” at the Queen and Blair. No, mate. An insult to you would be “Stick this coconut up your arse, you narrow minded, pathetic twat. Go get a job”.

*****LATE NEWS*****

As a special request from Angel (and as I was looking at them last night), let us take a look at those amusing search terms that the weird, perverse and socially inadequate use to find items on the interweb…

“monkey boy” As in child raised by apes or child who looks like a chimp.?
“joey barton’s arse” I am sure it is lovely, but why his in particular.?
“fucking weston super mare” I can’t even better this with a witty comment.!
“sarah beeney my best friend” She sadly isn’t mine, I would be in prison for sexual assault if she was.!
“all men are bastards knife set” Is this one for pre-menstral women.? *Ducks* Knives specially designed for those great days when you female folk go off on a blob strop just because you are going to bleed a bit three days later… Pfffft.
“prince philip is a nazi bastard” I KNEW I recognised that German officer in the photo of Hitler at the Tiergarten.
“tits images” as opposed to “tits text” I suppose. ASCII knockers.!
“jeremy vine alzheimer’s” I assume the person couldn’t remember where he had seen the article.?
“gordon brown bastard” Someone was in the lower tax band at budget time huh.?
“rodent vibrator” Now is that “Vibrators for Mice/Rats and other small mammals”, or “Hollowed out hamster with motor and 4 AA batteries to shove up your mousy chuff”.?
“dirty arsed slags” Nowt like shagging a bird who has mislaid her loo roll. Especially the night after she has had a vindaloo and twelve pints of Guiness.
“henry the eight bastard children” None of them were. But I am sure their mothers were all slags.
“in which sport might you hear the term ‘forty love’?” Sometimes I worry about people.!
“eating out in boscombe” otherwise known as “Female gets oral in Boscombe”.
“carol vorderman underwear pictures” Presumably only available with some kind of loan.? Consolidate ALL your small underwear into one BIG pair of pants.!
“bernard manning is a fat unfunny cunt” Talk about stating the bleeding obvious.!
“carol vorderman breast size” You can work this out if you take the numbers 100, 15, 6, 2, 7, 1 and no longer than thirty seconds.
“chelsea celery song” God only knows.!
“gentlemen suppositories” Rather, what. Do men have different ones to women.? Or are these not for sale to ruffians and scallywags.?!
“tara palmer tomkinson religion” She can’t SPELL the word church let alone know what one is for.!

I love you little people.!

Did you know that this country has become the biggest nation to ban “dumb” cluster bombs.? And why.? Because they kill and maim people.

Odd that. I mean, when you build a little ball of metal with a load of explosives and a detonator inside you obviously only do it to worry people (unless you happen to be, A, Muslim, B, on trial for a failed suicide bombing attempt and C, purely stupid). Ok i see that after a war, cluster munitions used indiscriminately as well as landmines, maybe left behind to blow the limbs off of small children and farmers, but as far as I can tell there has to be more to it than that.

For instance, as usual we are banning something because it is “bad”, when we aren’t the problem. The biggest users of landmines tend to be third world nations who, when it comes to human rights, have as a lot in common with the United States. They simply could not give a gnat’s chuff whether little Mussabi loses both legs or his elderly grandad has his pelvis catapulted vertically through his skull. I think it would be a pretty safe bet to say that Western nations have given them the damn things in the first place but even so.

Weapons are designed to be dangerous. If you are whapping along in a GR3 Tornado on a SEAD (suppression of enemy air defences) mission, taking out anti-aircraft missile or gun vehicles, you really don’t want to be worrying that the bombs you are about to drop might not blow the thing up. It is vital that a bomb works 100% of the time otherwise people get hurt (yes I see the irony in that statement but I am sure you know what I mean).

Ok so throwing a load of JP233 anti-runway munitions into a school playground isn’t going to be a great idea, no matter who you are fighting for. But they have an important use. What next.? Anti-radiation missiles like the HARM, Shrike or StandardARM, which lock onto radar sources banned because they “eavesdrop” (do radar systems have rights).? Or maybe a ban on Tomahawk missiles as they don’t file official flight plans.!

Lets face it, if someone gets a leg blown off in Cambodia, I am not going to be that bothered. Human suffering can be much worse, for instance, they could live in Australia, or Cardiff, and if I am totally honest I am never touched by pictures of maimed children on the TV anyway. Puppies maybe, but never children. Weird.!

Oh well… on a different note…

My favourite quote from Janet of “Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps”…

“Gaz, you probably encouraged him so you deserve you be pissed on by all five members of the Grumbleweeds.”

Great stuff.!

Well after a lack lustere weekend without Hobbits once again and feeling horrible and ill here is week twelve bouncing in with golf ball sized hail and winds that tend to only usually get when certain people eat a curry (Angel).

So whats up this week? Well hopefully this friday will be a go for clubbing once more and I will be able to stay awake long enough to go further than one pub. Watch out Weston, Fluffy Bunny is coming back. I am sat here in my warm but draughty stockroom typing this on my phone while pretending I cannot hear that most horribly irritating of noises, ie Robbie Williams singing Angels, on the radio. Bastard. While we are on the subject of wank singing…

Did anyone bother watching the Eurovision ‘pick a song for us’ show? Nope, nor did I. I did learn the winner was that top pop group Scooch though. Hmmm, when I say top I meant a group that sounds like Steps would have if they were all singing with their throats cut. Sadly nowadays it appears to be the trend that talented singers and songwriters are over looked, usually by the great unwashed, namely people who phone in to vote for these things, or Xfactor, etc etc (these voters have so little respect from me that i am praying ALL phone votes on ALL programmes will be rigged from now on just so I can laugh at them more). For a talent like Justin Hawkins, former lead singer of The Darkness, to be pushed into a corner is shocking. This guy has had number one singles, albums, awards, his first album was one of the best ever written for fuck sake and he has been ignored for what? For nothing. So we can be represented in front of half the world by four people who can barely spell the word song let alone create or orate it! Dare I say it, Brian Harvey, him with the big hat and too many ecstacy tablets, was left out in the cold. Ok he wasn’t the greatest in the world but East 17 had a lot of musical credibility. At least Scooch are English though I guess. Remember Gina G, Australian and Katrina and the Waves, Yank. Why in hell we used them I have no idea, personally I would have prefered to get nil points than have some American or Aussie win for us! Shocking.

I hope we all saw the F1.? Well done to Lewis Hamilton for a decent third in his debut for Maclaren. Button, what are you doing.? Borrow your car back from last year, you might have a chance then.! Oh and was it just myself and my mother who thought the new Ing Banking ads on the Renault’s and trackside were just crying out for the addition of another four letters.? Like “Gurn” or “Cock” or “Wank”. Either that or Ing is the only banking company in the world that exclusively employs people with mental defects *puts tongue in bottom lip* “iiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggg” (TAXI.! *points past Hwang’s ear*). Ah no, wait, HSBC do as well.

Gordon Brown looks set to double large car engines road tax. Good. Might keep those retard parents who insist on driving 4×4s every where away from the roads. As Jimmy Nail starring in Auf Weiderehen Pet once said, the difference between a Range Rover and a hedgehog is that the pricks are on the outside on the latter.

And finally tonight… Naomi Campbell is sweeping a warehouse in the US as community service for lobbing her mobile at one of her ex staff. Rumours that she has been using Kate Moss upside down as a broom have been denied.

Daft as a brush, that one.!

Right I best go and polish off the handcuffs and put some towels down, Lemony is coming round in a bit. ‘Ning All.

Oooook. Think I had better explain a few things while I have chance.

Firstly I am rather worried that because I haven’t been out since Hobbits closed that people think I have lost touch with them. To be honest I am more than worried, I am terrified I have lost my friends. The truth is that I am not totally right in the head. I am not talking about a mental illness but the after effects of last year’s Glandular fever have started to hit me.

For the past month, two months, I don’t know I have felt like I have had a bad cold continuously and my body has started reacting ever more bizarrely to alcohol and things like that than before. Valentine’s day I went out for a chinese with my gorgeous girlfriend and I had just two small bottles of chinese beer. The alcohol in it made me almost instantly sleepy and I don’t mean a bit tired, I mean head lolling almost dozing off in the middle of a sentence, totally exhausted, sleepy. That has never happened before, but has happened twice more since then. Once over a curry with Lemony, Harry and Mike and once with me drinking one glass of wine at my home. Very odd.

For the past couple of weeks I have had muscular pain throughout my entire body but especially in my legs arms and back. I have felt completely drained and literally shattered (a two flight walk up the steps in the car park on Saturday left my legs almost in agony).

Basically I just want to say that although I know I am not there, I do miss you all, especially my very close friends, Hwang, Mike, Harry, Rich, Christina, Gem, Sarah, Lisa, Nat, Dave, Claire, Flea, the list goes on (especially Mandy of course who I don’t see half as much as I really should).

So hopefully this Friday I shall be out, if I will survive the alcohol and dancing we shall see, but with somewhere new to go hopefully with your support (which I know you all give without me asking but I am saying now I am very grateful) and we shall have a gay old time (especially with Hwang of course).

I love you all. I’ll be back soon.xxxxx

(and Lemony I love you lots too, especially when you don’t wear undies because you forget to bring any clean ones with you.!!!!)

I really should stop listening to the Vinster on Radio Two. All it does is cause me to write blogs.!

Today’s show made me laugh though. Two gems of radio interviewees nipped on to air their stories.

The first was a couple with four kids. Nothing unusual there you might think, but I should point out that they were brother and sister. Yes that is not you reading it arse backwards, they were indeed a couple, doing it (not on the show obviously) and they wish to see incest LEGALISED “Because they have show it can work”.!!! I should point out that half of their kids were disabled, which is very weird, because the chances of genetic mutation when a mother and father are related so closely is 50%. So when they say they wish the law to ignore incest and let it be, they actually mean “Genetic mutants are people too”.!!!

The other story was much, much more amusing. For a while I wondered if it was April the First. A 35 year old lady called, ok I can’t be arsed to recall her name, but she stated that men should ALWAYS give up their seat on a bus, train, in the park, etc.

YOU WHAT.???

For years women have fought for equality. Even this year they have got an award allowing them the same prize money at Wimbledon (despite the fact they only play 3 sets not 5 in the final) and this crazy cow wants us men to stand up and let her plant her uptight anus on any seat she wants.! Well listen here missy, you can stick that RIGHT up your fundament. I will quite happily stand on a bus for several reason, mother’s with young kids (99% of the time because they are unruly and the mothers reek of stale fags whilst spending all their time saying “Chantelle, stoppit ya’fuck). I will also stand for the elderly, male or female, infirm, disabled and ones with big tits if a low cut top is in situ (for staring down purposes)… but if I have had a hard day at work and my feet are killing me then some tart in a business suit can fuck off.!

I should mention that this woman is a poet. Ah, now THAT explains everything.

Chris Martin, lead singer of “wrist slitting” band Coldplay, has gone on record as saying their new album will contain a song that “everyone has to hear before we die, otherwise they will be terribly depressed”. Odd phrasing there. Surely LISTENING to a Coldplay album will do that anyway. Hearing Trouble or Yellow for more than twenty seconds plunges me into a depression deep enough to cause a change in the weather over the Atlantic.

Was listening to Mr Vine (Jeremy, not Tim) at lunch time and he played a little snap from a political website called “www.aworldwithoutamerica.com”. What a frightening thought you may think… well firstly go watch their little advert they have produced, CLICK HERE TO SEE IT. Then you may laugh at all the over the top amateur dramatics they managed to cram into that minute and a half of footage.

Well are you imagining it.? Lovely isn’t it. Ignore all the hyperbole and bizarre absolutes they used in the advert and bask in the warm glow of a world with less pollution, junk food, bad sitcoms, fat people and George W Bush.

Sad to know that Hobbits will not now be open until the 15th, MySpace party time, huzzah, so get well Mark, with a broken arm how are you going to carry your kebab and chips properly.!?

Right, supper time. My stomach wants food but my head isn’t quite with it.

More tomorrow.

PS… Almost forgot.. Laura from work, if you are reading this then Hello.!!! And I won’t make boob jokes on here. Hehehe.

I assume I was the only one listening to Radio Two’s, Jeremy Vine Show at lunch time today, with a certain Mr Al-Fayed rattling on about Di and Dodi dying. He also managed to insist most of the Royal Family would have to stand up in court and somehow called Prince Phillip a Nazi.! Genius. Surely it is the Queen that is part German, Phillip being Greek yes.? Why can’t the silly little bald man let it lie.! Hilarious so go and have a listen HERE.

The BBC has done a deal with youtube to post “new footage” from programmes on there, ironic really seeing as most of the stuff that is on there is stolen from them anyway, might as well just put a badge on it and call it legal. Expect hot footage of Clegg and Foggy being sucked off by Nora Batty in the up and coming serious “Last Of The Summer Porn”. Hot.!

Charlotte Church is pregnant I see. Jealous.? Me.? What was that phrase… “You should hear her sing when I ram it in her ring”. Hmmmmm.

And finally tonight, The Church of England is damming all reality TV as being “Humiliation TV”. Errr, wasn’t this a religion created by Henry the Eighth SPECIFICALLY to allow him to divorce a couple of his wives.? Wonder if that was humiliating for them.! They also castigated porn and violent video games. C of E is a christian religion. The same religion that raped and murdered it’d way across Europe and the Middle East during the Crusades to force Christianity on the Jews and Muslims. Brillo.!

Under and In.
Fluffy Bunny.