Judge – ORDER.! ORDER.! (pie and chips twice please)…

May we hear the case for the defence…

“M’lud, it pains me to say it but the merest suggestion that a certain type of music can be ‘whiney’ is more than ridiculous. These bands, which include Keane, Snowpatrol, Embrace (post 1998 ) and Razorlight, bring out the best in the descriptive musical scene. Surely just because they have emotions they should not be persecuted for displaying their own feelings in a public forum.? Who hasn’t laid back in an easy chair and spent an evening in a cosy darkened room with Keane on the CD player and a loved one on their sofa, drinking a glass of wine and enjoying the closeness of humanity.?

*Addresses the jury* You see good people, the world needs the sound of despair to bring out the best in all situations. Would we not all wither and die if we believed it could never get any better in our lives.? We can all forgive Embrace for their World Cup song due to their mastery of meaningful lyrics in other areas and I am sure we can all accept the apologies of Razorlight for appearing in The Mighty Boosh. Why should all music be so cheerful when there are bands out there exploring the nether regions of darkness and enjoying the feeling of being couped up in a lonely bedsit contemplating throwing themselves out of the window and all just to entertain us, the masses.

In conclusion, the world needs sadness to heighten the feeling of happiness. Man cannot live on bread alone. He needs dripping too.”

Judge – Thank you, the case for the prosecution.? Mr Fluffy Bunny, I believe you are representing yourself…

“Cheers M’lud. I would like to bring in front of the court a copy of the album “The Good Will Out” by Embrace from the late 1990’s. It includes a few ‘emotional’ tracks but is predominantly rocking to the best of it’s abilities. It conjours up images of parties, staying up late and enjoying life. Spin forward to last year and the album “This New Day”. The kind of music that makes you think of sitting on the edge of a multi story car park and leaping off.! This is not what music is all about people. This is terror in a little plastic disc. We don’t need suicide bombers and snipers in our cities when all you really need is Snowpatrol blaring from a few large speakers and seconds later you won’t be able to get out of the country for falling bodies.

Down right depressing music is like a skin disease. You try and ignore it, hope it will go away but it hangs around, infecting you further and further until you get sucked into it’s murky depths and start enjoying the bitterness and sadness it draws in. How many of us have found the song ‘America’ by Razorlight to be stuck in our heads.? Why is that.?

I will tell you why. It’s because the feeling of someone else pitying us is a lovely warming sensation. They don’t know us but they appear to share our feelings. Fair enough I say, but why do it in the style of a dirge.? Why bother with the over emotional sentiment of a Keane ramble when you can have the far tastier feeling of anger pushed into you by Killswitch Engage or InFlames.?

To sum up, you don’t need self pitying piffle, you need self assertive anger. Bring it on. M’lud.”

Yes indeed… well the jury tells me they have already made their verdict… foreman, if you please…

“We find the bands guilty as fuck you honour. We also recommend death penalties, commuted to life imprisonment if they promise not to sing about their experiences.”

Judge – Deal. Right my round, who wants a Babycham.?

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