*Puts on Team America style Kim Jong-Il voice and bellows* “Hewwo.!!!!”

Or to put it in my own words, Hey up. Did we all enjoy our Saturday night Halloween event then.? I had a teensy weensy headache this morning (that is to say that I felt as though some naughty little monkey had given me an overnight lobotomy).!!

Before I continue, I thought I better warn you that anyone in costume last night will be refered to by their costume name NOT their real/nickname.!!! For costumes see the photos after the next section…

Have to say I was dubious about how it was going to turn out last night. Twas ridiculously crowded in Dominion with a LOT of people I really didn’t know, enough to send Leon (my brother and the internet told me Chris but Pouty corrected me, arse) and Fairy off to Phoenix early where we caught up with them very soon after. I did win £4 out the fruit machine so that covered the drinks in there, . Phoenix was quiet but they were playing the music from “Rock ‘n’ Roll Racing” on the SNES. Love it. Met up with Catwoman, The Hitcher and Jade. The Hitcher looked very good as did Catwoman. Of course I was dressed as Jack with the lovely Lemony as Sally (she was not so sure about going out dressed up but eventually loved the compliments ).

We hit Hobbits earlier than usual, about 10.15, and found it was quite busy already. Lots of people out dressed up and a great atmosphere. Got in free of course too, hehe. Ended up very drunk, taking lots of photos and feeling remarkably sick when I got home. Totally worth it of course.

So here we go with the costumes…

First of all we have Bunnies One and Two. I couldn’t stop stroking them. No balls were humped though.! Sadly.

Note the cute whiskers. No there was no strong smell of fish but I did notice the half eaten corpse of a mouse in her handbag.

I had to take this chavvy delight to one side and smack his bottom for being too realistic. Wonder if he got that gold chain from Argos.?

Smiley Jon and his horny girlfriend. Not sure I need to say more than that. Next year he will be dressing as a woman (he doesn’t know it yet).!

The Hello Kitty corset and the large frontage failed to pass the “get in for free” test, but the camp pirate managed to slip in unnoticed.

Great costume, would have been happy to lose the best costume award to him. Did feel like slapping out a bass solo everytime I saw him though. Weird.

For a guy that brings me pizzas he doesn’t half look horny… sorry.!

Myself and Hitler. Totally ruined my idea for dressing as Hitler next year but lots of fun saluting continuously and speaking with bad German accents.!

Myself and Sally, looking cute as a couple. Yes I am posing, eyes skyward, in that big head of mine. The bowtie cut into my larynx so I had a couple of fingers constantly down my neck trying to save myself from strangulation/retching/marauding aardvarks.

Madame Mim and some sort of dirty girl (love you ).

When was the last time you saw a Bunny talking to Marylin Monroe. Never I bet. Time to buy her a mirror I think.!

Loved the nail through his face, and green horns always make me moist.!

Fairy managed to almost get into a fight with a guy who looked like Elvis Costello… and he was NOT in costume.! Seriously weird, but so funny watching Mark throw him out AND his girlfriend at the same time. Note the amazingly floppy hair.

No one told me you could turn up as Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama. The claw later entered Brem’s bottom (I won’t put that photo up, it isn’t pleasant).

Did you ever see three people more likely to break into the business they call show.? Or a bank.?

Take one boiler suit, add makeup and overheat the second you get into the club. I timed this photo well. He doesn’t usually look THIS bad. My goodness how gay do I look.!

So a good time was had by all. We got a taxi back at 2am… no idea if it was actually 2am or 1am BST, lol. I woke up with a line of soft toys I had tucked into the bed when I was drunk… no idea why, .

Today i have done very little, except watch the final of the German Touring Car championship (DTM), which was just lovely. Lots of action, Christian Abt being a good boy for a change and I just love the Audis they have a certain something about them that the Mercs don’t…

See what I mean.!!!

Oooooh I did notice that Oasis have a new single coming out. It is a corker. A return to the Oasis of old, specifically February 1995. And how can I be so sure of the “date of their new found sound”.? Well it is because the have released a B side (Acquiesce) from that period. At least I can listen to them again without wincing at their horrible lyrics or bad attempts to recapture former glories. Just whip out a former glory and replay it 11 years on.! Marvellous.

*****LATE NEWS*****

When someone pointed out in the DTM that Martin Tomcyk got hit in the helmet by a loose interior video camera, was I the only one thinking “Which helmet”.?

I love sweets. They make me happy. Or most of them did. Until yesterday when I bought myself some Smarties…

…this is probably the juncture where I should point out that I am well aware of how I constantly harp on about the way kids are brought up and stuffed full of E numbers nowadays, so bear with me on this one.!

They have RUINED the taste of Smarites. Wave good bye to those brightly coloured blue sweeties, say hello to dull browns, olive greens and flowery tasting yellows. All this just to stop people complaining about the amount of colourings in the damn things.!!! This wasn’t what should of happened at all. What should have been done is this…

…restrict sales of Smarties to the under 18’s. To prevent the ‘orrible little fuckers getting hold of the damn things in the first place, make sure they are only sold in nightclubs. Sorted.

Nestle, thank you for fucking up one of my most favourite sweeties rather than tell a fuck load of single mothers who can’t tell their kids to not misbehave (but bribe them with more sugary stuff than is good for them) to STOP FEEDING THEIR BLOODY OFFSPRING.

Bastards.!!!

*****LATE NEWS*****

Oh damn you world… Bethany has just posted the video for My Chemical Romance’s new song, a song which has been repeatedly played on Radio One (along with Panic! which is very odd, what next, Coheed And Cambria).?!

Now I know I am not supposed to like MCR but I do. They seem to produce catchy bits of music that get stuck in my head. Oh well. But this time round they don’t get the blame for making me like them. The person who gets the blame is in fact Bernard Cornwell.

“Who.????” I hear you cry, you uncultured bunch.! He is the author of the Sharpe series of novels, of which I am of course a HUGE fan. In so doing he allowed a TV series to be derived from the books, which featured Sean Bean. Now go and listen to the theme tune to the Sharpe series and see what I am getting at. There is such a similarity to the start of the MCR song that that is all I can think about.!

Dammit.!

Well today I lost a little part of my dreams… I saw a girl I used to think was very hot (to the point where I convinced her that dumping my best mate was a good idea so I could jump in). Dammit. She appeared in work and was fat and no way near as cute and loveable as I once thought.

Oh well.!

Went to pizza hut with a big group of friends tonight. Had a great time. Saved loads on the bill (I knew I was mates with students for SOME reason, hehe). Also met three very scared kittens at Harry and Mike’s new place. One table, with what appeared to be one three headed cat underneath.

Moving on to sport now, who in hell decided that Dennis Wise was a good choice as a football manager.??? He makes Fred West look like a “bit of a nutter”.! Have you ever seen the guy play.? Total fruit cake with no discipline and no sportsmanship. Hmmmmm, maybe he is perfect for the Leeds manager post then.!

If anyone remembers what it was that made Lemony scream so loudly with laughter in Sainsbury’s on Saturday then can they tell me please.! I know you weren’t there but I am at a total loss as to what totally brilliant thing I came out with that made her go a little crazy.

Did you know that from next weekend there will be “Street Pastors” on hand (four from 8pm til 4am) in the town centre to offer “help and advice” to people out in town. I am not entirely sure I see what is going to happen here. Would you start giving a sermon to 500 drunk chavs in the middle of Richmond Street at 3am on a Sunday morning.? Maybe those who don’t have a religious background will be suddenly converted in amongst the discarded kebabs and litter that floats around Weston on a weekend.

I am reasonably sure that they are there more to help people than to try and start up a methodist group in the centre of town. But it does make you wonder. Will they be protected by some burly bodyguards or will it be a divine thing, lightning bolts suddenly splitting the skies and a smoking patch left where some heckler once stood.?

Weird. Like me.

Not wishing to ask a stupid question, but do you know what this is…

Now you could be totally anal like myself and recite chassis make, body make and type etc etc but the answer “A bus” would suffice.

*sounds of internal brain struggle of retained information*

Now a second stupid question… Can you see it.? Well yes I guess you can because otherwise you would never be able to answer the first. Admittedly on this page it is only about two inches high and has no relevant weight/mass/depth etc.

So how come if you can see that tiny, ickle picture four people have been killed in Bristol this year by buses.?

There was one last week in Whiteladies Road. How in the name of Satan’s portion do you not notice a 10 tonne bus with it’s lights on.?? How.!?
Firstbus suggested that people need to be made more aware of the dangers of walking in the road.! Breathtakingly obvious but sadly true. How many people do you see walk out into traffic without checking because they assume (in their usual arrogance) that the traffic will wait for them.?

*internal struggle intensifies*

Listen up people, this one is for the jay walkers amongst you.

If you don’t look when you cross the road then you get mown down sometimes. That is life. You lose your’s and you may kill another person at the same time. I used to think bullbars on vehicles were a bad idea because of the high chance of a pedestrian dying if they were hit. Now I have changed my mind, call it a form of punishment.! If you wander into the road with out having a damn good look first then tough titties. I wonder if the “grieving” family will take time out to attempt a law suit against FirstBus for “allowing their buses to be driving on a public highway”.

Utterly stupid.! Plus I feel really annoyed now because I have had to defend a company I detest. Not good. I rant about them enough because they are the pits at what they do, especially in Weston, but ending up defending them against the ridiculousness of human life is a bit of a bind.

Like that 5 year old girl who was kicked out of school for attacking teachers and staff.!!! Her mother said “they have given up on her when she is just a baby”. Maybe the fact that she IS a little spoilt shit is NOT the fault of the teacher’s giving up on her, but bad discipline on the mother’s behalf.

But that is another rant and another day…

Arrrgh *sound of escaping information…*
It’s a Northern Counties bodied Leyland Olympian.
*sound of escaping air*

That’s better. Second rant tonight is about sperm donors. To me this is an important part of a cultured society, sharing. Nowadays if you are infertile and have no way of getting the old lady up the duff then it is easy to pop down to your local sperm bank with an eggcup and make a withdrawal. But as a donor you wouldn’t want someone getting a dollop of your manseed and then 16 years down the line a spotty teenager turns up on your doorstep demanding a decade and a half’s pocket money and a Nintendo Wii.!

Staying anonymous as a donor must be one of THE most important things about letting less fortunate people have kids. The genetic implications will have to remain a risk that you take (such as life is, surely that is true no matter who your parents are, whether you know them or not. If you are born with a genetic disorder and it turns out that one or both of your parents carry an iffy gene surely that is just human randomness). If medical science is advanced enough to detect genetic flaws in a person through thier DNA then surely this can be applied to donated sperm BEFORE it is allowed into the “stock” of available sperm.

Then again maybe you will be born via sperm that has been donated by someone stupid enough to walk out in front of a bus, I think we would all like to be told then.!!!

After yesterday’s post a comment was left by a friend of mine, Mr Holmz, regarding the Radiohead theory. I feel he has brought forward a very important point that I overlooked in my haste to post an amusing blog.

Sooooo…

Where do Radiohead come in all this.? They have been around since the mid 90’s, children of the britpop boom started by James, Oasis, Blur, Pulp etc. In recent years they have been well known for producing “music to cut your wrists to”. But here my personal preferences kick in.

You see, the first really big hit of their’s was Creep. With crashing guitars and a subtle undertone of rockiness it was a very good place to start a career in music. Starting the album with “Anyone Can Play Guitar” was a touch of genius.

Wandering through the late 90’s they seemed to just get better and better before finally springing to their peak (in my humble opinion) with the songs “Knives Out” and “Pyramid Song”.

They are men amongst a pile of overtly emotional toffy nosed rejects. They also allowed Mark and Lard to use their album cover artwork for one of their albums and for that…

They must truly be Gods.!

Judge – ORDER.! ORDER.! (pie and chips twice please)…

We are sitting at this courtroom today to bring verdict on the case of The Stitching Bastards versus Keane (and other whiney bands).

May we hear the case for the defence…

“M’lud, it pains me to say it but the merest suggestion that a certain type of music can be ‘whiney’ is more than ridiculous. These bands, which include Keane, Snowpatrol, Embrace (post 1998 ) and Razorlight, bring out the best in the descriptive musical scene. Surely just because they have emotions they should not be persecuted for displaying their own feelings in a public forum.? Who hasn’t laid back in an easy chair and spent an evening in a cosy darkened room with Keane on the CD player and a loved one on their sofa, drinking a glass of wine and enjoying the closeness of humanity.?

*Addresses the jury* You see good people, the world needs the sound of despair to bring out the best in all situations. Would we not all wither and die if we believed it could never get any better in our lives.? We can all forgive Embrace for their World Cup song due to their mastery of meaningful lyrics in other areas and I am sure we can all accept the apologies of Razorlight for appearing in The Mighty Boosh. Why should all music be so cheerful when there are bands out there exploring the nether regions of darkness and enjoying the feeling of being couped up in a lonely bedsit contemplating throwing themselves out of the window and all just to entertain us, the masses.

In conclusion, the world needs sadness to heighten the feeling of happiness. Man cannot live on bread alone. He needs dripping too.”

Judge – Thank you, the case for the prosecution.? Mr Fluffy Bunny, I believe you are representing yourself…

“Cheers M’lud. I would like to bring in front of the court a copy of the album “The Good Will Out” by Embrace from the late 1990’s. It includes a few ‘emotional’ tracks but is predominantly rocking to the best of it’s abilities. It conjours up images of parties, staying up late and enjoying life. Spin forward to last year and the album “This New Day”. The kind of music that makes you think of sitting on the edge of a multi story car park and leaping off.! This is not what music is all about people. This is terror in a little plastic disc. We don’t need suicide bombers and snipers in our cities when all you really need is Snowpatrol blaring from a few large speakers and seconds later you won’t be able to get out of the country for falling bodies.

Down right depressing music is like a skin disease. You try and ignore it, hope it will go away but it hangs around, infecting you further and further until you get sucked into it’s murky depths and start enjoying the bitterness and sadness it draws in. How many of us have found the song ‘America’ by Razorlight to be stuck in our heads.? Why is that.?

I will tell you why. It’s because the feeling of someone else pitying us is a lovely warming sensation. They don’t know us but they appear to share our feelings. Fair enough I say, but why do it in the style of a dirge.? Why bother with the over emotional sentiment of a Keane ramble when you can have the far tastier feeling of anger pushed into you by Killswitch Engage or InFlames.?

To sum up, you don’t need self pitying piffle, you need self assertive anger. Bring it on. M’lud.”

Yes indeed… well the jury tells me they have already made their verdict… foreman, if you please…

“We find the bands guilty as fuck you honour. We also recommend death penalties, commuted to life imprisonment if they promise not to sing about their experiences.”

Judge – Deal. Right my round, who wants a Babycham.?

Well I must apologise for the rain today. It was my fault. Totally. According to a random guy earlier who wandered across the High Street juuust long enough to tell me “It is all your fault, this weather”. Then he put down his empty can of Special Brew and wobbled his wet way off down the road. Genius.

I have had a good day. Played a few mind games with my ex. Sent “her” a bag of goodies from the past that I no longer want anymore, although I hear she may have TWO spare hairbrushes lying around soon. Would appear I am not the only person trying to cover up her existence.!

I was a bit late home from work today due to having to swap over some posters (or to put it the same way for all you tossing middle managers “actioned a POS change over”).

Ok, I have to let it out now.. Steph I blame you for this one…

Why is it that those people who drive Audi TT’s, are usually called Nigel or Liam and wear pink ties cannot say what they mean. They degenerate the English language to the point of stupidity.! They don’t play sport they “Golf”. They don’t have problems, they have “issues and challenges”. It drives me totally up the sodding wall.!

I get it at work… especially this… “This needs to be actioned”. Nooo, the phrase you were looking for was “This needs to be done”. Stop talking in fucking riddles you dozy sods. It doesn’t make you look any more important and everytime you use the word “Task” as a verb (as in “I will task him with it” I lose a little more respect for you, as well as wishing all your kind were wiped out in some kind of epidemic involving dirty executive washrooms and rabid ducks.

In fact, while you are all here reading this, maybe you should all sit down at look at the words I use in this blog, such as it is. They are all relatively short (they have to be for some of those who read it. I do hate explaining my jokes over and over again). Instead of over using such creative phrases as “implement a new strategy” (which means “the new thing we told you to do is making things worse, go back to the first thing”) why not say “Stop it, we are losing money”. Perhaps drop in a few terms such as “I get paid more than you so I am allowed to talk bollocks”. THAT will always make me more respectful of you. Yes, admittedly while you are giving a powerpoint presentation the chances are that I am going to be in the car park defecating in your car’s boot, but at least you are being honest.

Straight talking people always gain more respect than people who sit there lying through their buttocks all day. I do hate people who lie. Yes I have lied myself in the past but then again we all need to learn.
There are, however those who don’t learn. They just continue to lie their way through life. And there you have it. A dodgy conclusion but a conclusion none the less.

If you talk bollocks I don’t respect you. If you lie, then I treat you like you talk bollocks.

Now where did I put that curry house menu.?

Friday night brought out a sight that you simply don’t see much anymore, in this case, a very drunk Pouty.

You see, if you give her cocktails, then buy her bottles of VK then sooner or later she is unable to walk properly (hence why she bounced off the stair well wall in Phoenix) or talk properly (”she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t schmoke…”). Schmoke.??? Oh and she actually made a decision without really thinking about it (which happens about as frequently as Cliff Richard getting his knob out).!

Friday night was a little “quiet”. That is to say at the busiest the dance floor had 7 of us. But even so we all had a lovely time. Lots of dancing (badly).

Saturday, myself and Lemony headed to a model rail exhibition in Taunton (with her attendance bribed on pain of going shopping afterwards). Didn’t buy anything in Taunton but bought some trouser dye and a rabbit (for my bro, the only ones we could see in Taunton were the Ann Summer’s variety).!

Then last night Pouty and Stew were too hung over and skint to come out and Hwang mysteriously disappeared of the face of the planet. Brownie joined us (and my bro eventually). Smiley Jon was out with his mates too and Hobbits was a lot busier and a good time was had by all although I did get toooo pissed and ended the night not feeling well, sitting outside.

Well today I have watched around seven hours of motorsport (BTCC, DTM, Formula BMW, Renault, Porsche Cup and Seat Cupra championships). Very good racing with a hint of “End of term” atmosphere in the UK races. Get well soon to Mike Jordan, who crashed heavily in the second BTCC race and has been airlifted to hospital with a head injury and a pneumothorax.

Lemony is off to see AFI tonight. I am not, prefering to dye my new trousers, change my bed sheets and watch Father Ted. No I am not boring, I just don’t like AFI that much. Hehe.

My trousers have finished the dyeing cycle now and I find I now have one pair of black Tripp chain trousers instead of blue… and a Gothic hanky that must have got in there somehow too. Bargain.

*****RANTAGE ON IT’S WAY*****

The General that spoke out against keeping soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan has “suddenly” backed down. After a couple of days of chatting with Tony “Fuck Britain I Am Off” Blair (who gave him his FULL support), it appears that General Sir Richard Dannatt has climbed down. Top Labour ministers now want him to be given the sack (probably one with the word “Swag” written on it and stained with oil left over from the invasion of Iraq). It must have been a very shocking experience to find that you have the backing of Blair, not a man noted for his ability to sort out crisis points in the country, when you have spoken out against a policy made by the same person. In fact the instant I saw a press briefing with the words “Blair Backs Top Soldier” in the title line I would have gone and found some emo kid and borrowed his razorblades.

The truth of the matter is that we are taking a damn good hiding in the Middle East, as Russia did twenty odd years ago. We are not making much of a difference, just pissing around getting shot at and drawing amusing pictures in the sand. Drag our forces out and let the American’s ponce around instead. In fact, send over some chubby yanks and then see what happens.

Madonna has adopted an African orphan… says the child’s FATHER.

Go on. Say it. How can he be an orphan if the father is still alive.?

Nope I have no idea either… but it at least bears a little difference to the normal route of “my child is famous and I miss him/her”. How many times have I seen that written in some stinky tabloid on a Sunday morning… “I know I was a bad parent but I want to change all that”. I defy anybody not to read between the lines and pick up on the “my child is horribly rich through the fame they have gained and I am missing out on a shed load of cash”.

Ok so African Joe will pick up a good few quid (well I hope so he does after reading about the poverty in his village) at the cost of a dear son but at least he realises his loss is his son’s gain. He will be taken to another country and “Westernized” but then again, this has to be a good thing. As Ricky Gervais says, the African nations all wanted independence from European imperialists such as England, France and Germany, and then find themselves neck deep in the rising population trap. Then aid is being clamoured for as civil war and famine kicks in, the country drafts men to the army meaning there are not enough heads to work the land and feed the cities… and off we go to Bob Geldoff territory again.

So maybe the answer is easy. I have mentioned it enough before. I am not a rich man. I don’t earn that much in the big scheme of things and I do already give to a charity via my wages each and every week (The Meningitis Trust). The rich sods of the world (be it politicians, businessmen, pop stars or film folk) need to get off their over paid, over waxed bumcakes and start sorting out the massive Rich/Poor divide. It is no way enough that Madonna (personal fortune approximately £300 MILLION and her hubby is worth a pond full as well) looks after ONE child (usual cost from birth to the age of eighteen is about £20,000).

Overly rich people need to start giving more to charities and living in smaller houses (Bono, worth £164m with a house in USA of about £2.5million). It is pathetic. They may have a talent but NO RIGHT to restrict the SURVIVAL of others, literally playing with their lives because they enjoy the “wallowing in all the notes” feeling.

How hypocritical of Bono to stand in front of Live-8 and tell people to give money to Africa when the greedy little Irish bugger is able to swim up to his armpits in caviar and wash his bits in champagne.

I am disgusted. Give me the damn money and I will show you how to help people. I will show you how you pay for hostels for homeless people to get back on their feet and back into society. I will show you how to look after the elderly when some anus in the local council has shut down their care home or withdrawn their district nurse to pay for a new company BMW.

Rich people make me sick. I don’t want to be rich. I want to help people.

A pipe dream.?

Fluffy Bunny, News at Ten Africa.

Bonjourno my little mighty bites. How is the world of school/college/work/retirement home.?

How about a few small photos. . . from the last couple of weeks.

I do like to exhibit my work from a night out occasionally…

Four photos.

Firstly Hwang. Of course. The bestest buddy a guy could have (but we won’t mention the incident in the zoo with that penguin and the barbeque)…

The Lemony, beautiful as ever. She is hot. Her hands are hotter.!!!

Then Sarah. And Stew. As usual, neither of them seem to have the faintest idea what the hell is going on …

Finally we have Mr Moss. I am actually rather proud of this photo…

Might be back with a rant later. We shall see.

Waiter.!!! My trousers, if you please.!

*****MORE STUFF*****

Have you ever noticed how people use the phrase “Carnival Atmosphere” when describing events. For instance…
“The party spilled out into the street on New Year’s Eve. Police described the event as having a carnival atmosphere”.

Now when I go to the carnival I get cold, reek of hotdogs and burgers and throw two pence coins over the crowd, in theory at the money float, but more likely to twat someone on the other side of the street who looks a bit ugly. Wierdos.!

I see North Korea have set off a little bomb then. Loved the front of The Sun today, with the image of Kim Jong-Il taken from “Team America”.

Don’t understand what everyone is getting pissy about. The American’s have had nuclear weapons for years and have only ever let off two in anger… and actually managed to hit the ENEMY.! Amazing. North Korea has the same technology as China… and everything electronic in this country is made in China (well the cheap stuff). See my way of thinking.?

Give it a few weeks and some Asian bloke will wander into my place and will open with the line..

“I brought this atomic warhead from you Beijing branch and it’s not working anymore. Can I get a replacement.?”

No really. That WILL happen.!