Have you ever noticed you never see fat people coming out of gyms.? Slightly random thought I will admit but very true.! Surely at some point those of the larger persuasion decide to lose weight and get fit and joining a gym is a good idea, so surely there is a starting point. I am reasonably sure that after one gym session the “lard hooverers” amongst us don’t come out instantly slim.! But when was the last time you saw a chubber bouncing his or her merry way through the door praying that they will lose 20 inches off their waist before their holiday four days later.? Maybe there is a small (well I was thinking long wheelbase Leyland Olympian) coach that picks them all up in the dead of night and then drops them back after hours so they are never seen be fish nor mammal. Strange thoughts I have.!

Think I might leave it there for today… before I get lynched by Michelle McManus on my way into town later.!!!

It is awfully weird the way they put mind bending chemicals in well known brands of tea nowadays. I am sure mine this morning contained at least twelve different hallucinogens and maybe even some milk.! The reason I say this is because my brain has decided to pretend that someone on the news was complaining about conditions that prisoners have to ‘endure’ at Pentonville prison in London. Vermin apparently runs rampant (I was unable to ascertain if that meant the pest problem or the inmates) and there is no respect from warders.

Err, why is that a problem.? You did bad, you go to jail, you suffer. Simple really. If I was the victim of a crime then I wouldnt want the perpetrator to be living in luxury with his feet up, watching Sky and wiping his arse with real toilet paper! I would personally want him hanging by his nipples just above the floor, covered in lard and left alone with a hungry poodle. At the very least they should be in a harshly disciplined society base similar to being in the army, where obedience is expected not rewarded and disobeyed orders mean instant punishment and withdrawal of basic privileges. Give them that tracing paper bog roll that schools always have, you know, the sharp stuff that doesnt wipe it off, just around. Take away their TVs and radios. Give them a basic balanced diet. Nothing special. These people are in there for a good reason! Dont pander to the human rights people (a group of individuals so blatantly stupid they would instantly go totally insane if they were become a victim of a crime and start calling for the return of stocks and hanging, two good things i reckon).

Once you are locked up you should consider yourself as someone without identity until the day you are allowed out. You are not due any respect because you have shown none towards the victim of your crime, be it individual, group or even the state. Why should the prison officers wander around being nice to you and calling you by your name. You should be a number and no more. Your life controlled by other people who tell you when to go to bed, when to eat etc. Take it one step further and you could throw in losing the control of life support systems, so oxygen and sleep deprivation would brain wash the prisoner in to submission, too extreme? Depends on the prisoner and his deeds.

Could you show respect to a child murderer? A few days ago someone was caught allegedly filming kids in the High Street here. He was kicked shitless by several people before police arrived. Now THAT is justice. Swift and brutal. Break someone in that way and they learn. Then let them get locked up and bummed by Big Ernie from C wing and there you go. Prison in action. Stop being soft on them and let them live in squalor and dirty conditions. Let them atone for their crimes.

Moving on to more smiley things, I have been reading a copy of New Scientist from April. Old news it may be but they do a very nice study on love and its scientific implications. It explains how the bond between a new born baby and its mother is more than just psychological, its actually chemical. That is to say that the chemical signature of a new born infant sets off the same reaction within a mothers brain as heroin does (using the neurotransmitter dopamine). The baby to all intents and purposes is an addiction.

Interpersonal love is more difficult to explain. We are all attracted to people who look like ourselves (should I be shacking up with Nicolas Lyndhurst about now).? But underneath physical attraction comes the classic sense of humour, similar personalities and so on. They also touched on stalkers. I have a stalker. It’ll go down in a minute, don’t worry.

I have a new stereo. I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t resist it. Trouble is I now feel really guilty for pushing my old stereo (which is still fabulously lovely) out of the picture. Might keep it to one side and get it repaired, I mean, it has been by my side since I lived in Barnstaple.! I have had it since I was 20, altogether now.. “Awwwwww, soppy fucker”.

And so to tomorrow. Tis Friday. Bar4 at 8pm people.! Get your butts out because it is party time. I want a nice normal weekend where nothing overtly exciting happens just lots of fun and good friends around me (oh, and of course my gorgeous girlfriend, Lemony).

Love ya.!

I have spent my afternoon busy beavering away in my stockroom (ok I admit it. I was sat on a TV box reading a magazine called “Pick Me Up”, the usual mix of arrow words and single mothers). I almost fell of the damn box a couple of times due to dozing off a little. Stupid early starts. Anyway, I was sat there listening to Mark and Lard, off a CD of course, because they disappeared from our radiograms over 2 years ago *SOBS heartily*. In my work mate Chuckie’s words “You never have got over them getting kicked off Radio One, have you”.

And I have to admit that is very true. John Peel and Andy Kershaw aside, I have never listened to another radio presenter(s) who has entertained me as much. Having my ears assailed by the likes of JK and Joel or Scott Mills is a bit like being fed rotten cabbage and buggered by Elton John at the same time, ie, a pain in the ass and it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Chris Moyles is always bleating on about being the “Saviour of Radio One” but the only reason he has more listeners than before is probably because independant Radio is so bloody awful. Listening to Star FM involves a certain amount of adverts for Proper Job and the like. No problem with that, just the reason I have the radio on is for music and/or amusing banter, not so I can be informed that someone is selling cheap clothes pegs every 2 songs.!

Moylesy is a good example of the sort of person I dislike immensely. Maybe he isn’t the same in real life but he certainly gives off an air of being over paid, over weight and over the sodding airwaves. Today he was talking about couples… On his own he IS a couple, that is him and his ego. I tolerate him because the alternatives are Terry Wogan (nice enough but his voice relaxes me too much and I don’t wish to foul myself at work) and local radio. One of my till girls favours the syndicated Galaxy/Vibe/Kiss channel where R ‘n’ B (repetative and boring) is king and you can smell the burberry aftershave the second you set the frequency. Radio Two is not too bad. It gives me a good chance to find some ideas to rant about but the music jumps about a little too much between decades.

Radio One do play good music… unfortunately they only play it at 1am on a Wednesday morning on the Rock Show when I am usually fast asleep.! Hearing The Zutons for the 300th time in one day is not my idea of classy entertainment and turning on to find Jo Whiley (ewwww) has taken a day off ugly and is being replaced by Sara Cox (fucking ewwwww) really tops it in the “annoying female presenters” stakes.!

So one day I will form a union. We will dig up the long buried bones of the “Biggest Show”. We shall polish the dirt off of Craig and David, wipe the soil out of the eyes of Shit Agent, shave the fantastic beard off of Fat Harry White and they will rise again. Be they human or android, be they devil or saint. We need Scrawn and Lard.

They will live once more.!!!

*Lots of cackling maniacal laughter mixed with lightning and thunder effects followed by huge coughing fit and sound of vomiting*.

And tonight.. Dominion at eight if you wish to come join us. I shall be there with Lemony. And what a fruity one she is.! *goes to make comment about tasting of said citrus fruit but chickens out at last minute*

Firstly, just in case you read The Sun’s report on the car on the railway line near York… It WASN’T a loco but a DEMU, a Class 220/221 Voyager, no locomotive, underfloor engines, HUGE difference, same result to old matey boy in the Vectra though.

Secondly if you read the Daily Mail report (which I didn’t) then it probably wasn’t caused by gypsies/muslims/illegal immigrants, because thats what they normally blame everything on (so do I though, hehe).

Moving on… Nikki from Big Brother (just hearing those two words makes me want to run around the country screaming “Unclean. Unclean” whilst ringing a large bell and spitting at people) a total non-entity as a celebrity, and as a person too, is moaning because she got dumped by “Pete” from the same show. Look love, you are famous for literally NOTHING. You have no noticable talent to bring to this country so please mind the gap when you step off it and don’t bother coming back. I suggest a long swim along the coast of Australia to see the fish. Stingrays are amazng creatures, go check them out. Stop wasting everyones time and disappear. Maybe she took tourettes sufferer Pete too literally when he said “Fuck Off, bollocks”.

Grrrrrr, ZZZZ list celebrities really do make me doze off into my sugar puffs. I simply have no idea why anyone would enjoy reading magazines like Heat or Now that feature these retards. Most of them couldn’t string a sentence together without some form of assistance (then again nor can George W Bush and look where that has got him).

I think it is time for a curry.!!!

Ok actually you don’t dear reader because you are here… about to embark on another one of those wit filled adventures that you KNOW you are bound to have when you come here. Maybe it will be a rant about something important to you. Perhaps a photo blog of a Friday night where someone was VERY sick all at once through heavy drinking and the sound system floated through the door of Hobbits on a wave of mushroom filled vomit.!

You all know why you come here… is it because you secretly get off on nosing into someone else’s thoughts. I bet it isn’t. I would put money on the reason being purely because you cannot get enough of the tripe that I type.! You like a good laugh, who doesn’t. So you wander in here a couple of times a day just to see if I have unzipped the fly of my mind and spurted the countless nonsenseical thoughts in the form of a blog onto your computer just for you.

Going back to the vomit thing, imagine if that DID happen. Paul the DJ stranded in his little box as the tide of spew laps around the steps. Marooned goths in the VIG area above the dance floor frantically waving in a coastguard rescue chopper. The pool table afloat with a variety of bile covered emo kids on top of it, punting it around the fruit machine with a broken cue. Mark lying on the bar, using a pair of ice tongs to get the lumpy bits out of his butt crack (love you Mark, lol). And there outside sit the survivors of this terrible disaster. The bouncers, who leapt in opposite directions, assist as the vile smelling hoards hit the open air and steam gently. Fire engines breaking out the hoses to spray it all off. And in the middle of it all, the cause. Sat quietly in one corner by the fence. Hunched up in a little ball. Skater Dave, an empty bottle of VK Ice at his side. His trousers filled with whiff juice and an accusing diced carrot pitted stain spreading down his t-shirt.

Did you enjoy that.? I hope so.!!! I got a little carried away there but I had a good time writing it. Hehe.

I was in fact going to relay “Things That Piss Me Off” to you instead. So here are a few…

1. When you get the sugar bowl out of the cupboard and manage to catch the spoon on the damn door and spring a pile of Silver Spoon’s finest over every surface within five yards.!

2. When you open a door in just your socks and get your little toe caught twixt door and carpet.

3. When you spark up a fag just as the bus appears around the corner.

4. When children come into my shop and PISS ME THE FUCK OFF by acting like a spoilt little twat so their mother bribes them with sweets instead of giving them six of the best, trousers down.!

5. When politicians moan they don’t get paid enough or have enough time off.

6. When the church assumes it has a right to interfere in the world.

7. When the French decide it’s time for another protest and start setting fire to things again.

I think I might stop there otherwise that is going to go on for miles and miles.!!!

See ya.!!

Oh and “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!.”

It must be Karma. After my rant yesterday about foreigners I get THREE people from a former Soviet republic who’s grasp of English is second only to Jamie Oliver’s trying to wind me up.! This cannot be a co-incidence.! Maybe I should moan incessantly about cute women who come in who too few clothes in… then tomorrow some actually will, just to piss me off. Hmmmmm.

Had a nice night last night. Might have slightly over done it to Pendulum but you are only old once I guess.

Meh, that is enough for now… I am sleepy after my hard 6 hours at work… so I shall return tomorrow.

xxx

Time for a quick rant. A bite sized “going off on one” session if you will.

Every day at work when I am downstairs I have to put up with peopleof a non British background. They all seem to have two things in common. They have no sense of personal space and no patience or consideration. The other day I was just finishing a transaction when the woman behind is trying to hand in her slip OVER the person in front who was still trying to put his money in his wallet. I knew the second she did it that she would be foreign and sure enough she was.

Then I had to wait for a couple of (I think) Polish people to look at a product. They wasted about 10 minutes of my time while pissing around trying to decide whether to spend an extra ten quid on the better model and then tried to ask me questions about it in VERY broken English. Listen carefully people… I DON’T SPEAK ANY OTHER LANGUAGE BUT ENGLISH. It is truly pointless standing there trying to say something in a different language while pointing at things because I haven’t got a fucking clue what the hell you are yabbering on about. And if you and your surprisingly hairy girlfriend want to discuss the pros and cons of a pair of hair products then for fuck sake do it on your own time and let me serve other people who ACTUALLY SPEAK ENGLISH.

To be honest if you live in this country then you should speak English. Bus drivers for instance tend to need to be able to understand things. When I said “town centre please” to one the other day he couldn’t understand me.!!! What the hell are you doing driving a bus if you actually don’t speak the lingo.? How in hell do you recognise road signs and things like that if the limit of your language ability is “Jon and Jane Play With A Ball”.

Xenophobic.? Me.? Not at all. In fact I love foreign people (except the Americans, Europeans (excluding the Dutch and Swedish), Chinese, Australians…) oh actually wait a second.. I am in fact a xenophobe with a delightful disgust for other nations. Is that really so bad though.? Everyone else does it to us so why should I enjoy the Yanks calling us Limeys or the Aussies terming us as “Bloody Poms”. Why should I pretend that other nations interest me when they honestly don’t (Egypt aside).

Leave me in my splendid isolation and let us rebuild the English Empire.

Anyone for a little slavery on de plantation Massa.?

Not a long blog tonight because I have to get ready to go out…

Buuut funny story…

I had to fill out a Health and Safety Accident Report form today with this description of the incident:-

“The ladies legs were cut across both shins by a hit and run driver on a mobility scooter.”

And there we have it. Meeting Braidy and Stew in Bar 4 in an hour or so after getting Hwang so I better get me finger out and get ready.!!

Oh and Like a Virgin.? Makes a change from Hwang singing It’s Raining Men while being liberally showered with man jelly from an array of ceiling hanging homosexuals.

Can’t get the stink off
He’s been hanging round for days
Comes like a comet
Suckered you but not your friends
One day he’ll get to you
And teach you how to be a holy cow

You do it to yourself, you do
And that’s what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

Don’t get my sympathy
Hanging out the 15th floor
You’ve changed the locks three times
He still comes reeling through the door
One day I’ll get you
And teach you how to get to purest hell

You do it to yourself, you do
And that’s what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

You do it to yourself, you do
And that’s what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself.. yourself.. yourself..

(Sorry but I have been singing that song to myself for weeks and I can’t work out why it seems so appropriate right now).

I have a sneaking suspicion that my mother is not happy with me. You see today I have received a text message saying “For dinner, do you want suicide or burgers.?”

What on earth is one Bunny supposed to think.! She meant quiche and I did add the ‘e’ to the end of the word but even so. Was quite a shock.

My lip has swollen up around my lip bar and is horribly sore. No idea why, but it doesn’t half sting.!

Only tomorrow and Friday left then I can go to Hobbits again and hopefully I won’t be feeling too ill. A good dose of aftershock and that should sort it out nicely.!

**GROUND RUMBLES – RANT PEERS OVER HILLSIDE**

£340,000 is a fair bit of dosh. I personally, would not sneeze at it. Then again I don’t earn anything near as much a year.! But the Government, such as it is, has seen it fit to pay out this amount of OUR cash to “cheer up” those poor stressed out MP’s that work a 4 hour day, never weekends and get 30 weeks of holidays a year (plus a ludicrous salary and a huge expense account… oh and a secretary to shag… Eh? Prescott you fat pie munching waster).

Why the hell do they need life coaches to help them along.? Is it they get all over wrought because of the amount of temps they have to chose from for some bum games in the closest stationary cupboard (Mand**CENSORED**llo).? Maybe they can’t cope with being driven around in a variety of large expensive cars (Pres**CENSORED**raw). Or maybe it is that they are soooo surprised and cannot believe their own god damn fucking good luck at being able to rip the arse out of the country and STILL either keep their jobs or be “reassigned” to some directorship with a huge multi-national or the European Parliament (Mandelson, Kinnock, Blunkett, Clarke, Prescott, Short – I will stop there because the list is tooo long).

Labour, sorry “New Labour” (or Conservative as it used to be called), was more than happy to accept the nations votes (no not mine, I am not that stupid and anyone who looks like Tony Blair (or has a wife who is a lawyer) is obviously going to do the same for this country as Barrymore probably did to the guy in his pool). Blair repeated that he was going to remove the sleazy stain of fellows like Mellor or Archer out of the Government and clean up the country. What he actually did was remove the Tories and fill the place with psuedo-Tories in red roses. The sleaze remained.

Well why wouldn’t it. One politician is the same as any other. Nowadays at least. Governmental staff are much like being dressed up in women’s clothing and shoved into the men’s loos in Vision.

Sooner or later you end up getting screwed.