Apparently the BBC have started designing an add-on for your lowly mp3 player that will allow it to pick up DAB radio signals. Well when I say started designing I mean three people have sat in an office drinking coffee whilst being overpaid and someone went “Hang on, why don’t we think about maybe adding something to a gadget everyone has to make more money on top of our old fashioned over priced license fee”.? The idea hasn’t really got off the drawing board and, lets face it, knowing the ridiculous and pathetic way that the ‘Beeb’ operates, it never will.

I do admire their logical thinking though. When I can go out and buy a tiny clip on radio for about £3 from the indoor market that will happily pick up their five major stations, obviously I am going to be desperate to listen to the other four million other stations of tat that they pump out via DAB. I own an mp3 player because I like to listen to MY music WITHOUT Chris “Hairy Fat Cunt” Moyles adding in his own brand of verbal shite in between lacklustre chart bollocks (see yesterday’s blog). Nor do I have massive desires for enjoying Jo Whiley and her peudo-husky voice raving on about every new band that sends her some free stuff no matter how bad their material is. Oh and I don’t want to hear Phil Jupitus on Radio 6 doing the same thing over dodgy early 1980’s Ska at eight in the morning.

Lets take a look at the choice over at the BBC website…

Radio One, enough said.
Radio Two, not bad, have to admit my channel of choice because you get far less Lily “Ooooh number one single, lets shove a good couple of kilos of coke up my hooter while singing Vindaloo” Allen and more old rock.
Radio Three, classic just is not good to listen to when you are crammed onto a bus full of old people who smell strongly of piss before 9am.
Radio Four, pretentious with comedy. Avoid everything but the comedy
Radio Five, only interested in football and nothing else.
Radio One Extra, if I INSISTED on having a station PURELY for white music I would be hung drawn and quartered by every “racialist” in Islington.
Radio Six, yes Jupitus, funny as he is, but no it is a graveyard for old Radio One Entertainers who didn’t make it onto Radio Two
Radio Asian Network again, ethnic minorities get their way but we still have to listen to fucking bad R’n'B (rabid and bollocks) on other stations.!

Well how about a couple of new ones…

Radio Eight and a Half Big Knob radio, only listenable to those men with cocks over that size. Music will feature bands such as 10CC, Loving Spoonful and Robbie Williams (one of the biggest cocks around).

and
Radio Nine Nine Nine Reserved purely for songs involving samples of Michael Buerk, songs with the sound of sirens in the background or music that has been voiced over by Brian Blessed in his Z Cars days.

Moving on…

Well I went out last night, not a bad night, didn’t dance and managed to throw up when I got in due to an oversight involving a stomach full of alcohol and an antibiotic capsule that didn’t enjoy the mixture. But I survived almost intact which is the important thing and I shall see what happens tonight. I did catch up with Caryn (Pika) and Sarah which was really really good as I have missed them both terribly as well as the usual characters such as Dave, Dan, Hally etc from Hobbits and my close friends too.

Bizarre claim to fame of this site (so I was informed by Hwang last night), it is hosted on the exact same servers in California that host myspace, so no blaming me when it crashes at the same time as that goes down.

Stats page news…
Firstly, Browny and Pouty, still pushing more people in my direction than anyone else.!
Secondly would the people who hit my site with the following search strings please take two steps forward…
“Drunk fun photos of women asleep and passed out” (Rhohypnol, loves the jobs you hate, such as buying women Bicardi Breezers)
“Sarah Beeney’s tits” (nice big frontage)
“Big sweaty fannies” (the thought scares me shitless)
“My wife is a slapper” (he only just found out.??)
“Ladies in knickers” (as opposed to cows in bikinis (re: DownLoad))
“Longcock” (takes bow)
“how many mile made by 1 litre Vauxhall 1.2″ (errr, so a 1.2 litre then)

all of you take those steps forward… and two more… yes, a little further…

…ah the edge of the toll road. Useful.

I am off to find something else to rant about so I might be back in a bit.

PS I am SURE I shouldn’t add this but I am just watching Bill Bailey’s Part Troll DVD and in his song about relationships, he uses the phrase “I thought you were an angel, you turned out to be a whore”. Just thought I would mention it. Oh I am going to get grief for that.

*****LATE NEWS*****

I know what I was going to say earlier. Did anyone see that story about a nine year old girl who wasn’t allowed to watch Big Brother and ended up hanging herself instead.

Now was I the only person who was thinking “If I had been MADE to watch Big Brother then I would have hung myself then”.? At least it proves my point about suvival of the fittest.! I don’t want people who watch Big Brother with that amount of commitment reproducing and providing those fat bastards who run ITV/Channel 4/The BBC with more excuses to produce shite reality TV programmes.!

DO you remember being a Kevin. Being Harry Enfield’s character from his long gone TV show.? Do you know who I mean.? Greasy of hair and unpleasant of attitude. Just a thought that struck me while watching a music video earlier. I remembered when I was like that. Being 15, sitting in my lounge while everyone else was in the garden enjoying the summer. With a truly MASSIVE pair of my Dad’s headphones on, connected to a stereo that was turned up as far as humanly possible. And the music.? Well 2Unlimited’s The Real Thing, Get Away by Maxx and Anything by Culture Beat. Descending quietly into my own little pit of uncaringness. If I close my eyes now I can still feel the thoughts and stuff I had in my head at that time. I was only 15 and it all felt so new to me. Yes I was a late starter when it came to women, but I have caught up well since, hehe. Odd way to start off today’s blog but it was in my head last night.

So today is the big first night out in 4 weekends (5 if you don’t including the Bristol night followed by me not going to Hobbits the next night but being out in town). Should be interesting.

I have spent the day resting for tonight. Spent more time thinking about music and the way it makes you feel. Do you remember the most powerful moments in music.? Those tiny bits of songs that absolutely define the word “power”.? For me the most significant of all is the part of Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas, where Bono from U2 sings “tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”. It isn’t the sentiment of the situation or the reason he is singing it, it is purely the amount of feeling and power that went into that line. Another excellent example is David Bowie and Freddie Mercury singing Under Pressure. Near the end where Bowie sings “Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking” while Freddie screams his ass off, pure genius in a little glassy jar. You don’t tend to get moments like that in nowadays mainstream music though. When was the last time an Arctic Monkeys song made the hair on the back of your neck stand up or you sat in melodic delight while having your ears assaulted by James Blunt.! Yes there are times when you hear (well for me at least) something sublime that does it for you (Can’t Stop and Butterflies by the Reel People make me go all tingly or Killswitch Engage’s The End Of Heartache) but listen to those charts on a Sunday and you will be horrified at the stuff that can get away with being called music.

Oh I should mention I have managed to squeeze my tiny ass into the Mercury once more. Sure you will find my letter and be so amused that the police will find you a while later pleasuring yourself madly while wearing nothing at all.

The Americans. They are the lord protecters of the world yes.? They bravely took over Iraq, Kuwait and most of the other oil producing nations of the world… but what about Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe killing lots of people. Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. Afghanistan vs the USSR. All places where lots of people died for stupid reasons, but the USA stayed well away (ditto North Korea). Now you see, no oil in those countries. Why bother. Just thought I would say so.

And one last thing. Someone managed to put their car off the toll road. Missed the barriers and ended up off the cliff 15 feet from the road in a ditch. Required a crane to get it out. Doing the speed limit were we.? I find it hard to believe. Sadly they survived but we can’t wish for too much really can we.

Is it wrong that I am sat here in my room, near the landing flight path for a local international airport with my video camera nearby just incase something blows up and drops out the air. At least it would give me something to send into “Seconds From Disaster” or the Discovery channel. Someone on the B3ta.com challenge page did bring up a very good point though. The police, such as they are, have FOILED the plan to make planes go pop, yet NOW they increase security after the event. A distinct case of “we knew there was a bomb plot but we didn’t want to piss off the usual Airlines by losing them money”. Apparently Bush and Blair knew about this months ago, but as it is Blair’s summer holiday and Prescott is running the country (in between doing fittings to film his first John Wayne remake), it is unlikely anything would have been done anyway.

Can you imagine if passenger jets had started dropping like 200 ton hail stones on Prescott’s watch.? God help us all.! He would not have had a clue (face buried in a pie as usual). Makes me laugh. But is this all a cunning subterfuge (yes cunning plan would have sounded more Blackadder like, but I was worried that it would be too obvious that the extremists responsible have only got the brain power to match Baldrick, but it is sadly more than enough to outwit the Met and MI6). Lets see now, last time (last July) the police were crawling around Scotland making sure no one took a shot at Blair or forced a bready snack into Bush’s mouth. While 4000 coppers were milling around a golf course it was a piece of piss to wander onto an underground train and make things go boom.

My point being, while 90% of the countries bobbies are tied to airport protection, surely it would be easier than ever to wander into somewhere like Birmingham New Street, as Virgin trains are now accepting airline tickets from London to Manchester (and REALLY fucking off the usual train travellers because their Pendolino tilting trains toilets can’t cope as it is let alone with 50 tons of extra faeces per journey and they only have nine carriages which you can’t add more to if it gets busy (unlike the old AC electric, set of carriages and DVT sets (sorry, technical bits)). If I was going to blow something up I wouldn’t target somewhere and hit that, I would bog off to somewhere far less protected. Then again even wandering into a crowded airport full of delayed people with a bag full of explosive liquid is easy as pie thanks to our beloved police force.

Do I look bovvered though.?

Well it is the big day. My birthday. Doesn’t feel any different, at my age why should it, hehe. I have done one thing today which I haven’t done for four weeks, I put nail varnish on. Cheered me up a little because I feel like I am more “me” again. Now I just need the eyeliner and a pair of huge trousers and I might be able to cope with the real world once more. I have to admit I am actually terrified of going out this weekend, slightly worrying as it may seem, I just have missed so much I feel I may honestly never fit back in with everyone. Then again, the amount of people who have said it isn’t the same out in town with me not being there, I am justly flattered and a little surprised, but who else is going to make endless dirty innuendos and comments when I am not around.! It’s my territory and I WILL take it back. Just someone please look after me in case I get scared. Or too pissed after four weeks of not drinking. Oh and don’t let me smoke unless I seem so freaked out that I may start setting fire to people. Hehehehe.

I have had another day of resting on the sofa watching a whole host of music channels and I have learn/noticed a few things…

1, Rod Stewart wearing yellow trousers and a day-glo pink vest was one of the biggest mistakes of the 1980’s

2, Nelly Furtado looks a lot less like she would have the kind of bikini line that would surprise Bigfoot nowadays. Back when she released “I’m Like A Bird” and “Turn Off The Light”, she always appeared to have been able to keep Veet in business for the next half century and stuffed a fair few cushions on the way through.!

3, One video (Borderline by Michael Gray) featuring four women dancing on the top of an office block wearing white shirts, black knickers and black stockings IS the sexiest video of the year, and I almost had to go have a lie down (on my side obviously) after watching it.

4, The Network Rail advert about not running the red lights at level crossings is the perfect advert to follow My Chemical Romance videos.

5, Kerrang has helped me to finish off the Hobbits 5 album, so I shall just finish the artwork and we shall see where we go from there.

6, Channel U has provided me with endless amusement as well. You know the one, lots of unknown black people (and white people who think they are black, singing into a near vertically held microphone while 45 of their closest friends hover in the background goin “yeah” at regular intervals. Two highlights… the obvious rail enthusiasts who are named HST and the classy blinged up little blighter who was in his car on his driveway in one video. Not the kind of car you expect to see five black dudes covered in Argos jewellry in, I am pretty sure it was a Renault Megane Scenic, and not the new shaped one either. Wicked.

7, Madonna has a, too much time on her hands, b, too much lycra in her wardrobe and c, not enough talent anymore.

8, Heather Mills hasn’t got a leg to stand on against poor Maca. Ok, well just the one.

9, Shakira has the sort of voice that makes her stand out, unfortunately she stole it off Cilla Black. It is true.!! Listen to her when she has to hit one of those high notes, instead of singing a high note she tightens her throat and goes into Cilla mode. Try it .

10, Now that Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez has passed onto that great performing arena in the sky, will the remaining T and C parts of TLC regroup with someone else.? Yes I know this is a slightly old topic but I was jut wondering. They could team up with Paris Hilton and call themselves TCP.

Think that will do with that, otherwise I might start going over the top (like a boyracer on a toll road).

Sea Palace tonight, hope the food is ok to my altered sense of taste, otherwise I am going to be worrying.! Pizza still doens’t taste as it should which is not good.! Anyone who knows me is well aware of reluctance to share one of my favourite Goodfellas pizzas, last night I could barely manage half of it due to the weird taste it created in my mouth and the overhot feeling of the pepperoni, which is so weird.!! Then again maybe beer will taste nicer to me now, hehe.

Right almost time to go out, better go put a belt on my trousers that will actually hold them up (I have lost a little weight again dammit). If anyone is going to be out this Friday pleeeease let me know.!!! Bar 4 at 7.30 would be a good starting point. All invited.!!!

The woman who’s daughter drowned in the mud at Brean a few years ago is suing the Council for “negligence”. Why.? Because there “aren’t enough signs to warn of the muddy dangers”. Why do you need signs.? I have been to Brean. I had a HUGE mud fight with my brother and a mate and left mud all over the car (even on the headlining which remained stained until the day we sold it).! It was VERY obvious the place was covered in a sticky brown silty solution called mud. I was, however, 12 years old and could look after myself. The little girl was 5. She was apparently playing “within sight” of her mother, but if you can SEE your daughter you don’t tend to watch her drown.?

Of course she isn’t suing for any other reason than to make the Council aware of it’s responsibilites. Hang on, for what.? It is NOT their problem if there are only a few signs warning you of deep mud. There are literally tens of signs on Weston beach warning of the same thing but every year some retarded Brummie tourist gets himself and three of his illegitimate kids rescued by hovercraft/helicopter/man on unicorn. Or some bright spark drives their new 4×4 onto the beach “to test it” and loses it when he finds the tide comes in at 8mph and rises over 40 foot (I hope his insurance company told him to not be a dumb cunt next time and refused to pay out).!

The same is true of the kid who lives at Hutton, near where all the helicopters fly when landing at Weston airfield. He has autism and it hurts when he hears loud noises. His parents have complained about the flights because of this reason. He is no more than ten years old. I have a photo of Weston airfield being around since the 1920’s and Westland’s Helicopter Factory being open since the 1950’s at least. Maybe his parents should have had a bit of a brain storm and NOT bought the bloody house.!!!

TAKE FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY INSTEAD OF BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE

It makes my blood BOIL.!!!

When you hear of a group called Trident Ploughshares then you instantly think of a few yokel folk intent on turning ex nuclear missiles into farming equipment. But no. It is actually an anti-war group who are totally against the whole big fighty thing going on in Israel/Lebonan. They managed to get access to Prestwick airport in Scotland and infiltrated (which doesn’t sound right when describing a group that I guarrantee wear fairisle sweaters and socks with their sandels) a US plane they thought might be carrying weapons for Israel to lob around. They didn’t find anything by the way.

It does raise an interesting question though. While I don’t totally agree with the way the Israelis have handled this situation, you really can’t blame then. When English and American hostages were being held in Beirut a few years back the USA sent in Delta force (a highly trained team of professionals that are supposed to be the equivilant of our SAS but are so pampered they may as well have sent in the Teletubbies). Delta force failed and eventually the hostages (including Terry Waite and John Macarthy were released. The only trouble is that the Israeli forces in the main have been trained by the Yanks and we all know their ideas on how a war should be run. If it moves, bomb it, if it doesn’t move bomb it anyway and if it happens to have an RAF roundel on the side then shoot it down just in case. Rather than using surgical strikes they appear to just be dumping Paveway guided weapons onto every house in sight. Yes, I know that Hezbollah is just as bad but look people lets just stop throwing missiles around, give everyone back to where ever and have a nice sit down and a chat over a cuppa.

In other news, bad luck to Robert Kubica who ended up disqualified from the Hungarian Grand Prix due to his under weight car, so the ever lucky Schumacher scored a point in the end.

Well done to the mother of a three year old girl who’s child almost hanged herself on an inflatable bouncy castle bought from a large high street shop (yes that one). She wants them ALL recalled because they are “dangerous”. Hang on, have any other complaints been received about this product, nooooooooo, then hey woman, they product is NOT at fault, you are. I suggest you keep an eye on your daughter (a three year old on a bouncy castle DOES need constant supervision) when she is playing on the item. Retard.

Anyone else spotted that new TV show called “Everyone Hates Chris”.? Just me then.

That advert for the National Accident Helpline, the woman who slips on the wet floor (clumsy bitch), can I assume she also got a payment for the falling having made her hairstyle totally fucking horrible.?

And while we are on that sort of thing, I hope the university where Stephen Lawrence’s mum works is sued into the sodding floor for the simple reason that they have banned a firm that supplies skips from being awarded contracts PURELY because they have someone who works there has the surname Norris (a name shared by one of the apparent murderers of her son). Isn’t that defamation of character or slander surely.?? How ridiculous that is. In that case I shall not be buying anything off people called Adolf or serving anyone at work with the surname Hussain just in case they have invaded a country or persecuted some Jews/Kurds/Gypsies/Frenchmen… actually if they have persecuted some Frenchmen then I shall be giving them a discount so big I shall be paying them to take the items out the damn store.!!!

And Swindon Town Football Clubs bosses had a very lucky escape from a nasty “aeroplane plunging into golf course” accident. Probably the only decent save they will make all season.!!!

Dammit, one more thought… the Hasting’s Direct advert, with the little dude dressed as a Norman (although he looks more like a 12th century knight missing his armour). When he sings the phone number at the beginning, why in hell does he do that stupid little fucking dance. It really bugs me. I guess when they were designing the graphics for the ad they couldn’t decide what to do with him while he sang the number and thought I know “lets make him gabble around as though he is on drugs and look like a dick”. It would have been far better (and funnier) to have had him shaggin the Cabury’s caramel bunny in time to the singing (when she hasn’t been pissing rusty oil out of her ass because of the salmonella, obviously).

Firstly I thought you would like to see what all the fuss has been about with me being ill… three photos then, the first is the side of my neck, you can clearly make out how my NECK WAS SWOLLEN. Next you can see the STARTING RASH on my arm. Finally RED LEGS which look fucking horrible there but are totally normal now ladies, don’t worry. I have another week off sick, then two weeks holiday booked. So I might actually be out again soon, especially as this Wednesday is my birthday remember.! Hint. Hint. Hint.

Moving on…

Hungarian Grand Prix today. Yes the one thats quite boring like France, narrow track, eff all over taking (well unless you are classy and English like our Nige or Damon Hill).

I have been reading Dale Brown’s Flight Of The Old Dog again. It struck me that the idea for Goldeneye came from there.! Huge laser blowing things up, set up in space, needs to be destroyed, in the book by a B-52 in the film by a guy with a small pistol.! Weird. Even the place names are similar Kavaznya and Sevenya. Amazing book and amazing film of course in their own right, just odd juxtaposition.

Boy am I random today. I think I shall go and collect my thoughts and breakfast and add more later. Love yooou.

*****LATE NEWS*****

GET IN THERE MY SON.!!!

I take it all back… The Grand Prix was AMAZING. More action in one race than in the last three races put together.! Alonso driving round the outside of everybody, Schumacher doing the dancing version of F1, because he was slow, slow, quick, quick, slow (then out). Button fast all race, Raikkonen whipping into the distance with his team mate in tow then removing 60% of his car on the back of Liuzzi’s STR Cosworth. On an eventually drying track Schumacher wore his intermediate tyres into flat slicks before finally losing out to first De La Rosa at the chicane twice. Alonso found the barriers a long while after his erst-while team mate decided to do a little arnco banging and ended his race (Alonso had a drive shaft failure which span him out). Then about 6 laps from home Schmacher took on Heidfeld at the chicane, did some wheel banging and parked it in the garage having damaged something critical, steering wise. The eventual winner… Jenson Fucking Button. Niiiice one.!!! De La Rosa second and Heidfeld third. A podium you really would not have even contemplated.!!! Especially as Button started 14th on the grid on low down fuel after an engine penalty.

Driver of the race for me (apart from the obvious Mr Button) would be the Polish stand in for Jacques Villeneuve, Robert Kubica, in a BMW for his first ever race.! A very tidy seventh. Move of the race was easily Alonso driving around the outside on the soaking wet line at turn 5 to leave Schumacher agog and me totally mesmorized. A move reminiscent of Villeneuve himself at Estoril in 1995 (for which Schumacher branded him a dangerous driver) or Montoya in his ChampCar days.

First wet race ever in Hungary since the first race in 1986 and it was the best ever, overtaking, accidents, a winner you wouldn’t have guessed ever. It had everything. Next year I hope it hammers down again or at least they wheel out 400 water tankers and a huge sprinkler system.

Amazing.!!!

On The Now Show (Radio 4’s satirical and hilarious look back on the week’s news), they were busy reading through a huge list of things that people hate and that really make you grind your teeth. Right up my alley you might think (not that one, don’t be so foul). Well yes, especially when James Blunt turned in at number 4, you are indeed correct. So I have been thinking, how about my own personal top five. “Oh come on Fluffy Bunny”, I hear you shout.

Ok then… maybe it will make me feel a little better (this is a LONG entry, maybe the longest ever.!)…

In reverse order of course we have:

5, Corporate Image. Doing things “The Tesco Way” or “Argosing It”. I HATE that. I find people who want to “live the Asda dream” just a tiny bit sinister. You want to live the dream of being surrounded by low quality, salt filled excrement while being bossed around by a fat guy who has had lessons from the American branch of the Gestapo.? Do you really.? Well maybe once in a while you should stop watching Star Trek, take up thy ass and get out of the house. When I am at work and I hear people spouting on about “The Five Values” it makes me cringe. Do these people go home at night and pray to their little tiny altars based around a selection of kitchen electrical goods or maybe a shrine made entirely of frozen chicken thighs (buy 2 get one free).? Makes you wonder what would happen if another world war kicked off though doesn’t it.? Thousands of area managers manning the front line, unable to decide when to start the offensive without at least 8 different forms, a mug of coffee with “Working hard or Hardly working” written on the side and three huge A1 size posters proclaiming their loyalty to branded marketing. We are allllll doooooooomed.!!!

4, Loan/Insurance Adverts. I have been watching way too much Sky over the past few weeks of being ill and I have begun to actually, physically dread the sound of an incoming advert break. It is purely because I KNOW that at least 85% of said break will try to sell me either a HUGE loan or car insurance for a vehicle I haven’t got. Carol Vorderman is a well known pusher of loans that will “take your mind off your massive debt while you put away a little for a holiday of a lifetime”, so basically while the baliffs are banging on your newly installed uPVC front door, you are sunning the crap out of yourself on a beach in Thailand safe in the knowledge that your previously tiny debt now resembles the entire Third World debt of East Africa.

Ooooh actually, under this heading please throw in Endowment policy ads and those life plan ones with June Whitfield. Yes June, we know you used to be in a lot of old films, but using your wealth of knowledge about 1950’s knob gags is not really going to instill confidence to buy a plan where you give money to a big company and they then give it to your kids when you die. Even worse with those ads is the phrase “this is a whole of life policy, if you pull out before the end (ie if you want your money back before you die to pay for that new pacemaker or that much needed stairlift (DON’T get me started on those)) then you are screwed and some fat cunt with an Audi TT taps HIS back pocket as he drives home to his enormous house in Suffolk”. Ok, it doesn’t say exactly that but you know what I mean.

3, Health and Safety Tosh. Give me just THREE minutes in a room with the man who defined a fire station with a pole as “dangerous” and I will show you just how far it is possible for the human cranium to be inserted into the human anus. Imagine a world where children never get hurt, where people only call an ambulance when their elderly relatively has fallen asleep in bed and never woken up since. Well over at the, ludicrously named, Health and Safety Executive, thousands of faceless ejits are dreaming of exactly that. It is impossible to build anything without there being some degree of danger involved. Childrens toys don’t have sharp edges but big knives do but you still insist on having a little note on the box of knives that says “not suitable for children”. Well that is odd. For my godson’s birthday last year I was sorely tempted to buy the little kid a big box of assorted carving, steak, paring, boning and bread knives purely to see the joy on the little tykes face as he made his first momentous trip to casualty thirty seconds later while dripping an ever spreading pool of blood onto his Thomas and Friends chainsaw (petrol included).

We don’t need people telling us how to “be safe”. ROSPA, the anti-accident society doesn’t need to exist because accidents happen, its a fact of life. Children are stupid, adults usually even more stupid. Don’t bother educating them because it is simply the way of the jungle. Survival of the fittest for the 21st century if you like. If you can’t see 9 tons of bus shaped, bright yellow metal flying towards you at 30 miles an hour on a bright, sunny day then I personally don’t want you to ever spend your time reproducing. When it comes to stupid Health and Safety laws we in England normally have the best of the best but the European Union does it’s level best to try and upstage us. For instance, Dapol, who make model railway bits and bobs, put a tiny grain of wheat bulb in an N gauge model of a train (the model is about 3 inches long so you can imagine the miniscule size of the bulb which runs off no more than 12 volts otherwise the entire thing would melt quicker than Pinewood Studios). The EU INSISTED that they paid £980 to have the bulbs (called grain of wheat bulbs purely because that is how small they are) tested to ensure “laser light conformity standards”. Basically they needed to know if it could blind someone. Blind someone.?? How.? By having them plunged mercilessly into their optical nerves by some irrational 8 year old who has just eaten 23 bags of monster munch and an entire kilo of skittles.? Stupid is as stupid does.!

2, Bus/Train Companies. I would suggest you get a cup of tea and a few biscuits for this one, I may be sometime. I like buses, I like trains. I like the idea of an integrated transport network where you get off a train and there is a bus that leaves at the same time to allow you to complete you journey with the minimum of fuss and waiting around. I even don’t mind the idea of sitting next to a stranger on a long jaunt for hours on end (I did that a while back with a 23 year old nurse and had an amazing 4 hour train trip that just flew by. My word she was tasty). What I do hate is the companies that run the system and make so many bad decisions (this information could also available under the Corporate Image and Health and Safety sections).

Take Virgin for instance. They used to just fly planes, quite well by all accounts. But when they then build trains that are basically a plane with no wings and no luggage space then charge over inflated prices for the luxury of having ur bags sat on ur lap all the way from Bristol to Newcastle, well it begins to get a little too much. Oh plus the trains they bought were all 4 or 5 carriages long, to replace trains that were 7 or 8 carriages long. Can you see what happened there.? They halved the size of the trains. Ah but they run them twice as often. Well yes, but the passenger numbers have doubled, so now they have the same trains, which are more unreliable and half the size running twice as frequently but stuffed to the gunnels. Seriously, next time you see a Virgin Voyager whipping past you check out the passengers inside. They will be limpetted up to the windows, hanging out the corridor connections even grabbing hold of the roof mounted brake gear (which means that the trains can’t go past Dawlish when it is a little windy because the sea spray fucks up the electronics which some bright spark thought would be safer on the top of the train… the bit which, all together now, GETS WET. We really have not made any progress since the age of steam have we now).!

In my part of the country we are also stuck with Firstbus as a train AND a bus operator. Talk about a double whammy.! Integrated to FirstGroup means this… your mainline express arrives from Paddington at 3.15pm, your local bus service leaves at 3.15pm. You get off the train and run like fucking hell through the rain, praying your bus will be running late (as it usually does when some Polish twat is driving it because they don’t actually know where the bus route goes and have to keep asking the sodding way) but lo and behold the bus is already several minutes down the road because said Pole has forgotten to set his watch to UK time and has jetted off prematurely. Plus they charge too much. I personally would love to wipe my arse down the CEO of FirstGroups favourite childhood bear and then beat him to a merry death with it. Some how I don’t think I will ever get my wish but oh well.

1, Bad Drivers. Hospital car park, Wednesday afternoon. I am going for my ultrasound and trying to find a parking space in the over-priced bit of tarmac in front of our badly run and underfunded hospital. There is a space right by the entrance but it is unusable by anything other than a scooter or one of those mobility thingys for the simple reason that the selfish CUNT in the next space has decided to park 20% of his car in the next space. Yes it was a BMW. I HATE BMW drivers. Well 99.9% of them as a couple of my mates have them. When ever I see someone being cut up on the motorway or some bad parking it is usually some mid-thirties toffy nosed arsehole in a German car (yes throw Mercs in there too). I am looking forward to the day I find a badly parked Bavarian motor in an unlit, un-CCTVed car park somewhere and I will personally rip the mirrors off, smash the fog lights and write the word “NAZI” with my house keys down the sides.

Then there are the other kind of bad drivers, the slow ones. I don’t mean to pick on the elderly, they fought in the war for me, but don’t drive your Kia like you are still in a sodding Sherman tank.! It makes me burn inside when I am held up behind some 92 year old woman, unable to see over the dashboard (usually because she is knitting) in a rancid looking Proton Aeroback which should have been scrapped 30 minutes after it wobbled it’s way off the production line, driving along at 15 miles an hour on a road where you could easily top 120mph on a nice day. The really bad ones are those who have one foot permanently glued to the brake pedal. You know the kind I mean, they come up to a very slight bend in the road (which has only 3 inch high grass at it’s edges for miles around) and then BANG on come the brake lights and a drop of 10mph while they check if anything is lurking round that slight lean in the road. The most annoying thing is that when they stop somewhere and you take a cricket bat out your boot and put them in hospital then it is YOU that would be arrested, but when they cause an 18 car pile up as they hammer on the brakes on a motorway because a snail is crawling across the third lane then you KNOW they will be pootling off into the distance, quietly oblivous and wondering what that huge fireball is in the rear view mirror.

Ahhhhhh, yes, I am back… and I haven’t lost it even fucking slightly have I.? Hehehe.

Well what can I tell you…

I went to the hospital again yesterday to have my ultrasound. Everything was normal (they do it all by size which was a little weird lying there while some nurse measures my kidneys). My spleen was a little bigger than normal which is consistant with me having glandular fever (which was confirmed by my blood test result being positive). I also ended up back at the doctors yesterday sitting in a heaving waiting room with hundreds of old people, screaming kids and a girl who looked like Kylie (not that I was complaining about her). It would appear I have another infection from some bizarre source and so have MORE anti-biotics. I have only taken two but I am itching again already and starting to turn reddy pink not good.

So I have another week off work. I won’t be out this weekend and I am so fed up it is unreal.

Isn’t life grand. Not.
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