What is the easiest way to hurt someone you love.? To make them feel worthless and horrible to the world.? Is it to cheat on them.? Is it to put them down in front of their friends… or is it to control them… to stop them doing what they want just because you are paranoid that something might happen.

Once again I am watching someone I really like being controlled by their partner. Knowing what is going on in their relationship it seems ridiculous but it is true.

I am probably going to get grief about this but I don’t care.

There is a wealth of new photos from last night to accompany the ones from Friday of myself and a few Hobbits celebrities. I aim to have a photo with every single person I know from there. Should be fun.! I shall post them all tomorrow because I can’t be arsed now. I think I am coming down with something to be honest because my legs are killing me and my throat is sore.

I had loads to say earlier but after stuffing myself with a roast meal (pork, my fingers still smell like I have been fingering Miss Piggy) and having just eaten a chinese as well, I think my brain is overfed and I have lost my ooomph. .

Maybe I should save it all up for tomorrow….

A brief outline of last night… Bar 4. Phoenix. Hobbits. Pain from worst hangover EVER.!!!

We didn’t go to Bristol in the end, well Angel, Sarah and I didn’t. We all met up in Bar 4 though and then the Bristol goers left from there… including BROWNIE, who is still talking to me and doesn’t remember what I had said (if anything) the other week while very pissed, lol. It did mean we didn’t have to carry Nat to Phoenix but at least I entertained by running up the stairs. Phoenix was remarkably quiet so we disappeared off to Hobbits to meet GILES and DOCTOR ROBBINS, amongst others. Gav was sadly my downfall. He kept buying me beer, a green aftershock and feeding me Marlboro full strength fags. Which is why I look so drunk in the following photos… SARAH AVEC MOI and DAVE ET MOI. Tonight should be a night where I don’t drink quiiiiiite as much. Plus I didn’t tell any lies.!! Hasn’t got me in to trouble yet.

Now there were a couple of things I wanted to mention…

They have been busy ripping apart the centre of Bristol so as to build a new shopping area. The renaming of this area from Broadmead to Merchants Quarter has been opposed by some very old fashioned, narrow minded citizens. Now, personally, I cannot see any real problem with keeping the old name. You think of shopping in Bristol and instantly think of the Broadmead. Simple as that. Merchants Quarter does sound a little pretentious and “modern corporate buzzwordy”, but is not really too bad as names for shopping centres go (think of the Bluewater centre, neither blue nor filled with water).!

So what is the reason for this opposition.? Well let me take you back to the 19th century. Bristol and it’s links with the slave trade. No I don’t mean those people who take your orders in fast food shops, I mean the art of dragging people across half the world to work without pay as servants. Why on earth is this STILL being dragged up by people.? Yes, it was barbaric, yes, it was a long time ago, no, we don’t have an “Incarcerate The Black/Indian/Muslim/Chinaman Day”. It is certainly not like we celebrate or are proud of the terrible trafficing of souls across the continents. I don’t think I ever recall seeing someone whipping out the bunting because a(n) (in)famous slave trader was born on that day. Look peeps, just stop bringing up the past and get on with it. The only links with the slave trade that that name has are purely your own imagination running away with you. Political correctness gone mad one feels.!! What next.? Using the human rights act to stop 9 hijackers getting deported.??? Hang on a moment.!!!!!

Today on the front of “The Sun” (not a newspaper just toilet paper with black and red marks on it) is the lovely big headline “HOODIE KILLS WPC”. I am reasonably sure you can see where I am heading right now… It is just that wording. As though someone who wears a hoodie is instantly going to start murdering off duty constables and legging it off through the streets. So the guy had a hoodie on. If he had been wearing a Ben Sherman shirt would that have been the headline instead “BEN SHERMAN KILLS WPC”. Weird.!!! Actually this could get even more odd with the make of T shirts I wear… “COUCH KILLS WPC” .

In the long run I know it was the worlds most unprofessional newspaper that ran this story and lets face it, it is all toss through and through. But it annoys me when I see things like that. I wear hoodies and feel it gives people the wrong impression. Just because I am walking through town wearing one doesn’t mean to say that I have a large carving knife concealed about my person. And besides, if I DID carry a massive knife…

…I’d have no room for my shotgun .

Oh Lordy, it’s……
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Just been checking up on my referer statistics for the previous month. 32 hits for the word “tits” and 5 for “titties”. Also we have individual hits for “bitches to shag in southampton”, “menstrual fucking”, “stitching female mouth closed” and bizarrely, “paxo recipe”. I love stuffing. Lol.

Do you remember when you were 11.? I do. I recall spending my time playing with Megaforce and Lego and riding around on my bike in the park. I certainly don’t remember getting pissed up on cheap booze and shagging people. So the UK’s youngest mum (of 12 now but 11 when shafted by a 15 year old behind a tree probably), is set to drop her chavette anytime soon. Joy. As everyone knows, the UK has Europes most impressive rate of teenage mums (usually called Natasha or Chantelle of course, lol) bolstered by the HUGE amount of cash/houses/benefits/rent payments etc given to them by our badly lead Government.

So her mum is proud of her. Knocked up at 11 and maybe, if lightning strikes twice, a granny at 23.! What in HELL were her guardians thinking.? No you cannot watch your kids 24/7 but when your daughter of 11 years of age arrives home in the early hours smelling strongly of Tennent’s Super and White Lightning, then surely you should start to question the morals and lifestyle you have provided to her.! Her own quote on the Scotsman’s website is pure class…

“She said: “I can give up smoking at any time, but I don’t find it affects my pregnancy.”

Is this person for real.??? Is she actually living in this world.??? Saying it doesn’t affect your pregnancy BEFORE giving birth is like saying a tyre doesn’t have a puncture three seconds before ramming a nail into it. This is a girl who’s body hasn’t finished developing properly and is now FORCING it through the agony and anguish of childbirth while still knocking back 20 tabs a day.!! Everytime I reread this story it makes me shiver and shake with anger. She doesn’t believe in abortion but believes this is the best way to bring a new life into the world. A pocket money baby…

… but it WON’T be a pocket money baby though will it. It will be paid for by you and I. Those good citizens of the world that DON’T live on a council estate in Edinbrough surrounded by evil smelling stairwells, burberry and burnt out Fiestas. Benefits will be handed over, the little slapper will get a free flat and by the time she is 16 will probably have another 3 kids lined up with dribbling noses and Nike trainers, all subsidised by us tax payers who work hard.

Someone on the radio earlier suggested that the father, his parents and her parents should receive a bloody good leathering. I totally agree. What better way to stop someone fucking children than beating the living shit out of him, what better way to stop someone who isn’t controlling their child properly than a happy slapping with a large stick. Genius.!!!

At least one good thing has come out of this… the father has been charged with rape. Bloody good job. When you shag an 11 year old then you KNOW how old she is. This borders on the paedophilia line… where is the difference between a 15 year old doing it and a 40 year old doing it.

Has the world gone mad.???

Thursday. Dominion night and the beginning of the winter of our discount tents. Ok, so I borrowed that last bit from Shakespeare when he had that Christmas temp job with Ye Olde Millets in 1581. Just imagine that, Willie, aged 17, leaning over the counter, spotty of face and tight of breeches. A greasy ruff hanging limply around his youthful neck while he squawks “Ye camping equipment is not my department.”

Well it has been a weird week so far. Met that new girl… lets call her RayRay, on Saturday, she texted me Sunday when I was out with someone else enjoying myself (Bluey) . Then Monday night we got together and I stayed over her house on the first date… naughty Bunny.! Tuesday night was “grief with Angel” night and Wednesday RayRay and ex get back together again. Bloody women…. Did enjoy last night a lot too though .

I haven’t really had a good rant this week have I.? Well put those seatbelts on people, because here we go…

Imagine this… you hijack a plane, you scare the occupants, pilots, staff etc and get arrested for it. You get sentences to serve time in prison and then get let off scot free by some jumped up arse wipe of a judge that obviously couldn’t care less. What sort of a message does that send to the rest of the world… I will tell you what kind, it says “If you have no money and wish to come to Britain then bounce merrily onto a flight nearby and DEMAND they take you to Stansted. Then claim asylum and you are home and dry.”

Lets hope they don’t end up becoming a statistic when us normal, English folk start beating down every asylum seeker with large clubs.

Right, I had better leave it there as the thunder (like thinder only slightly thicker) is threatening to kick me offline, which has already happened four times in the passage of typing this out)).!

See you all soon…. and…

try not to think about an orange penguin.!!!

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Well I am back from the pub after two pints so you know this is going to be slightly drunk ramblings (which are always the best I am sure you agree).!

Ok, so Dominion was quiet. Nat sang, Merv sang, Mandy and Merv sang. Marie sang too. I enjoyed the singing but still haven’t got the courage (or the vocal ability (hmmm *remembers Potta singing Passengers by Iggy Pop AGAIN*). Tomorrow I should be in Bristol with Angel etc etc. We shall see. You all know how much I hate routine, lol.

While on my way to the cash point earlier I managed to pretty much bump in to Rayray and her boyf. Aren’t I lucky. It makes me so angry. She is such a nice, sexy, beautiful person and I thought I had a chance but no. As usual that cunt up there has seen me feeling happy for the first time since December (mainly because I didn’t think about Angel for a good long time while I was out) and thought “hang on… I don’t want this.! He isn’t supposed to be happy. Better rip her out of his life as well).

Being happy makes me, me. If there is something on my mind then I lose all concentration. My mind is instantly stuck on the things that I am worried/sad/upset/disappointed/annoyed/angry about. This is one of them. Plus having someone tell you that they MAY have made the wrong choice and picked the wrong guy to be in her life and THEN tell you that, actually I was wrong twas was just a moment of craziness, DOES NOT feature highly in my “things I need to do in my life”.

The only person that has actually made me happy recently is Bluey. She is so gorgeous and shy that it makes me smile just to think of her (amazing kisser too ).

Is it really THAT hard for someone to walk into my life and make me happy rather than most of the people I fancy turning into what Dante would have probably described as being “The infernal damnation of annoyance and heartache”. To be honest he probably wouldn’t have said that at all as he was Italian and had no time, mainly because he was zooming around on his Lambretta and eating pizza. I know people appear in the most odd places and at times when you really don’t expect them to but in the words of Morrissey “You say it’s gonna happen noooowwww. When exactly do you mean”.

Because it is true… I HAVE already waited to long, and all I have is gone. I am 27, though people never know that until I tell them (a thing to be thankful for.? Maybe), but how many people I see have someone. How many people who don’t deserve to have someone loving them due to their infinate cheating, crappy controlling attitudes, amazing stupidity or domestic violence have got a special person that will put up with anything but live in misery because they are scared, paranoid or just generally unhappy but cannot break away.

What is it I have done in my past to deserve the awful amount of shit I have put up with in my life. Yes, I know I cheated, twice. I have lied, even up until last week I was lying about something BIG, but I had my reasons (although now there is no point so that lie will errrr, well, lie). From now on I won’t lie. There we go… a promise. I shall not tell another lie at all. If someone asks me something then they will get a straight answer no matter HOW much trouble it causes. If it WILL cause problems then I will not answer at all. Let us all see just how much grief I can get in one week by NOT telling any lies, no matter how small.

Maybe then Him up there in the heavens will believe that I am in fact worthy of having someone in my life who won’t cheat, lie or treat me like I am not worthy of being alive.

Now this should be fun.!!!

*****LATER NEWS*****

Thought I would mention something from the archives… this day one year ago I had just returned from my first AIM course in Portsmouth. Brownie and Blondie were in my life and had added me to their MSN and I had just received my first Cyberdog top. How times change.!!! Question is… was I happy then.? Where was my head at.?

As far as I remember it was a time of learning and fitting in, finding myself and the person I really am, deep down inside. Now I am reasonably happy with the presence I give off. I am (relatively) popular and known on my own territory (Hobbits) and can easily turn up alone and have a good night with the people around me.

Can anyone see the BUT that is coming now.?

Being popular means that there is no one new to meet. Well, not many at least. So tomorrow night in Bristol may just provide me with a new group of people (victims.?) to bring my unique brand of humour to.

And Schumacher does it again. Took the lead at the last pit stop and BOOM he was there until the end.

Sorry, just watched the end of the Grand Prix. An overcast but warmish day outside and I am stuck in here with no one to go out with and nothing to do. Great. I HATE THAT.

Interesting night out yesterday. Dominion called to start with.. Nat and Merv both singing karaoke nicely (with me shouting the backing to Evanessence for Nat, ). Merv turned up in a pair of VERY tight leather trousers. One sneeze and he could have quite easily sliced himself into three pieces. Natalie turned up wearing a coat of which I have some photos to share with you. I will bung them on the end in a minute. Phoenix was a little busy with slightly odd people from the party down the corridor (I guess). But I met Charmian again and was introduced to her friend Ria (remember that name). Met up with Dan and Hally, Dan still sporting the worlds HEAVIEST neck chain, definately made of solid lead I think. Watched my bro and his mate playing pool. Badly. Lol.

Hobbits was bandless again thankfully and I strode in alone, leaving Merv and Nat to head cash point wise. Caught up with Dave and had a quick chat about what happened Friday. I found myself not as drunk as I would have liked so eventually the aftershock called. About ten minutes later I was grinning stupidly and swaying enough to be able to dance properly. The DJ saw me coming and quickly switched on the UVs to highlight my nails and spiky wristband although I can’t remember what song it was.!

PATD came on a little later after another beer and a sit down (and some crisps which I managed to resist dropping all over the floor again). I correctly guessed Fall Out Boy would be next and sure enough it was, then Killswitch and MSI then something else, at which point my body temperature had reached boiling point and I was a little glad when the music turned iffy again. Nipped outside and got chatting to the girl I met a couple of weeks ago, Emma, from Chippenham (loooong way to come for a night out.!!). I think I pulled her friend. He was just off to Manhatton’s but I could have had him if I had wanted (well it is nice to know I can pull both women AND men, lol). A couple of beers later and I mentioned to Charmian that I thought Ria was very hot… so she told her (in the photo of Natalie down below you can see her in the background).!! We got talking and she now has my phone number, but has got back with her boyfriend. Genius. I hate boyfriends. They get in the fucking way. Even of two people wanting to be friends, but then again I don’t care what happens there, I have still won though he doesn’t realise it. Sorry got side tracked…

I finished the night talking to Terri and avoiding Nat’s attempts to get me dancing to Zombie… I think. Oh and Hwang managed to whack me RIGHT in the happy sack. Bloody hurt so much I had to put my head on Sarah’s shoulder and take a few deep breaths. Karma I guess for the amount of times I have managed to catch hold of his nuts and enjoy his reaction.

Oh and I was feeling sooooo camp last night, could you tell.?! .

And today. Well I am supposed to be meeting someone… Bluey (remember her.?) but sadly she is busy and so I shall be online chatting to people and occasionally smoking myself to death in the garden. Or I could vary it by being online in the garden and occasionally chatting my cigarettes to death. Weird.

And while I am here, I have been getting a few comments of a rather amusing, but detrimental nature. You know who you are, so stop it. Unless you are going to do something useful for me, lol.

Here are those photos… yes we were ALL sober.!!! Back later with more ramblings maybe.!

NAT
ME
PAUL
JIM
NEIL
CHARMIAN

I swear my hangovers are getting worse and worse. I woke up this morning believing that someone had decided my head was too round and had fed it through a large mangle. Too much liquer, too little water me thinks.!

Wasn’t a bad night, drank, Angel and I carried Natalie to Phoenix AND to Hobbits (she went home early with a nasty case of pissedupitus). We all had a good dance… I flicked beer at Pouty and spilt crisps EVERYWHERE too. Tonight I shall drink a litttttle bit less (yes I know I am fibbing there, lol) and probably correct the mistake I made last night of not saying anything stupid.! Makes a change.!!!

I have found a very amusing website. it is HERE. I am loathe to say too much about the quality of the person who writes on there because they live waaaay to close for my liking, Cardiff. Especially if she owns a boat.! But check it out, it makes for some “interesting” reading. Plus it is soooo stereotypical I am half tempted to think it is actually an amusing fake.! It is really funny though, you can smell the perfume from here.

And yes, I am out tonight. The usual run, just for a laugh. Enjoy.!!

Have you ever had that feeling of loss. Like you have left something behind and wish you could go back and start again. That’s how I feel.

I have been pushed out by my best friend’s new boyfriend. He doesn’t want me to talk to or see her and it hurts me to my very soul. The sad thing is that I have never loved someone in the same was as I do with her. She means the world to me yet I am denied a chance to even go shopping or have a day out on the pier with her.

She promised me so much but he has come between us and taken it all from me. You all know who I mean and what has happened over the past few months, for me the WORST year of my life so far. The sad fact is that although I have been hurt far more than I ever thought was possible, my heart is still with her and just listening tonight to my friend singing Always by Bon Jovi almost made me break down. Again.

Those of you who know me are well aware that since this all began in December I have not been truly happy and it has shown. I am no longer Ian, I am this clown who is crying his heart out inside and cannot believe that his God has let this happen. Up until today I retained a tiny amount of belief in Him. Now that has gone away totally. If He loved me then I wouldn’t feel like this.

The truth is, I don’t care anymore. It is a terrible thing to say, that I have stopped wanting to care for other people but in this case it is true. Never has my soul been so pierced by anger, hatred, fear and pure emotion. This will stay with me for a long time and it is actually affecting my health to the point that I fear for my own sanity sometimes. There are many ways to die, but a broken heart is the easiest.

All I want is my best friend. All I need is to feel her cuddling me, knowing that everything will be ok as long as she is there holding me. It’s not about sex, it’s not about passion, it’s knowing that someone I love, loves me as well, and I know she does. She tells me often enough. But tonight I have lost her forever I fear. The wonders of modern technology have allowed me access to him and I have said something that I know tomorrow I will deeply regret. He has forced her to decide and now I have forced her out of my life as far as I can tell. Only time will be able to say what outcome arises from this messed up situation.

Tomorrow I shall look back at this week and realise that this has all been for the best. That watching someone be controlled and manipulated and then lied to doesn’t actually matter to me that much as long as in the end I am happy. I have been controlled and manipulated and lied to so why should I be caring about someone else’s feelings anymore…

And so to sleep.

Goodnight Angel. I loved you more than you will ever understand.

A quick start before I go to work…

Had a couple more than I should have had last night.! Started in Bar 4 and bizarrely Marnie appeared and sat reading through Angel’s application form for her own job. Strange. Then a wander round to the Cabot while shouting rude comments down the phone to Emoboy. Lol.

Little Dave’s birthday night out were waiting for us in the scum bar. I had ANOTHER drink and started taking photos. DAVE HAD THE HAT ON. Again. Beth brought pizza. Bob didn’t. For someone who wasn’t drinking much (and has said she won’t until Download… well maybe one night a weekend then) BLURRED AS SARAH ever is.! THIS is what watching a footy match between Poland and Lithuania does to your eyes.! And last but certainly not least MY ANGEL. Looking very emo and annoyed because I kept tickling her too much. It was her own fault though.! She attacked me.!!!

I shall return later with more bollocks and moaning. Enjoy your working days though.!!

Well I have managed to somehow spend waaaaaay to much on Angel’s birthday presents already (and had to prevent her from buying anything from a certain website with some VERY unsubtle hints yesterday).! I won’t divulge any secrets but I had a little help from Little Miss Pouty (Sarah, and I am going to get grief for calling her that, lol). Hope she likes them. She liked the last present .

I could not sleep last night. Drifted off about 2am after another long phone call. Maybe I hadn’t eaten enough yesterday.. pizza (cooked for me and very tasty despite having the bit I wanted STOLEN while I was distracted watching Buffy) then a chow mein for two but I ate all that myself and then garlic and watercress soup for supper. Burp.!

So Mister Tony Blair wants us to forget the last week of sleaze about the Labour Party and remember the achievements of the last nine years… so make sure you remember them wrecking the health service, wrecking the university funding system, bringing us waaaaay too close to joining the EU, fucking up the prices of petrol and diesel and filling the country with asylum seekers who enjoy murdering people.

Chris Eubank was on the radio earlier, explaining why he is charging people to watch him brain damage Michael Watson a few years back. Lets face it, it IS a barbaric sport, but it got me thinking. The boxers know the risks involved, the same as F1 drivers or skiers do. So is it actually down to personal preference or should we be telling people how to live their lives.?

Right I have an hour to get ready so I am off to relax in the bath.!

I am off to town as usual with Angel, Sarah (hopefully) etc etc. lol. Should be a good night one hopes.!

Have fun.!

Bank Holiday Monday. Welcome to May, the start of more summery times one hopes.!

Did we all have fun last night.? I had an enjoyable evening in the company of a few friends and five bands within the place they call “Hobbits”. Alternation, the industrial night, started about 7.30 and was most pleasurable. First band on were Flesh Eating Foundation, tasty female keyboardist but I can’t remember the rest of the band or their music.

They were followed by an amazing group called Losing Sun. A little bit Incubus, but certainly a great sound. I bought their first CD for a fiver and am listening to it as I type. Impressed I am. Chekck out their WEBSITE and have a listen too.

Next up was Digii-Core. Again not bad, the wild eyed lead singer seemed to be a little annoyed with something when he sang, but it was still impressive enough to keep me listening.

Then Angel arrived and I had to assist her in filling in the application form for work. Luckily as I am the king of bullshit it was relatively easy to sell her but THIS ANGEL PHOTO shows just how demanding it can be to fill the information in, lol. While doing that I was also singing along to CAFFEINE KILL so was frequently putting my pen down, picking up my fag and beer and shouting “Sounds like you ordered cornflakes” at the top of my voice. For some reason known only to her, it was deemed necessary to draw two DOODLES on the backs of my hands. Weird, because Pika used to draw the same flower as well.! I am still nervous about being her underling if she gets the job, but I have been under her before so I will cope. Hehehehehehehe.

BETHANY was there too, along with Dave, Hally and others. FLUFFY BUNNY looks a mess after 6 bottles of Harp Irish Lager, thanks to Hwang for taking this piccy, lol.

And so to today. I shall be finishing my scampi fries and then enjoying not working by sitting in the garden smoking fags endlessly. Lol.

Back later with more of the same no doubt…

GEEERRRROOOOONNNIIIMMMMMOOOOO.!!!!

*****LATE NEWS*****

I have had a fantastic day. That is all

And FUCK Firstbus.