I was going to post this last night, but decided not to. Then at work today I thought “Fuck it, it’s only my thoughts, who cares.” Those who think I am talking about them can do so, I am not out to hurt anyone, I just need to have a good long rant and rid myself of it. I don’t want your pity or sympathy, I have enough hugs when I need them usually, it is just stuff that is trying to get out of me and I need to be rid of. Whether this will actually help me sort my head out is another matter entirely.
So here goes…
There is no one else in this life to look after you. No one is watching you, looking after you or helping you. Your fate is left to yourself. Nothing you can do, think, pray for or wish will change that.
For the past few weeks I have been beating myself up over something I couldn’t control. I lost something important to me and thought that my world had crumbled into nothing. Maybe I am finally realising that there is more to life than someone who hurts me. I have no faith left in God either. Years ago, my ex had a poster on her wall called “Footsteps” all about someone talking to God and asking why, when things got hard, were there no footsteps other than his own. God’s reply was that in those times, He carried him. I don’t believe a word of that now.
In getting over one thing I have unwittingly stumbled headlong into something I really do not need. Being deeply in love with someone while trying to get someone else out your head is certainly not what is needed right now.
I have been a different person for almost a year now, that is to say I have found myself, who I want to be. Or at least I thought I had, but now I am so fucking unhappy and worked up all the time that nothing is able to clear my head, booze, nicotine, caffeine, crying my stupid heart out.!
A while ago, mid way through last year, I was feeling similar to this, no where near as badly though. I had lost something and regretted it, now I feel 100 times worse.
Personally, I have had enough. I am in a cycle of despair and hate that will ultimately end in self destruct. It would be so good to feel happy again, not the odd moment that I am getting of late, snatched times with people, I want proper happiness when people at work recognise me again, when I can hold my head up high and not let silly things get to me.
But at the moment I can see nothing. Like being in a blizzard while wearing sunglasses. The world to me is darker than ever before. Almost evil like I am being punished for something I did in my past. I know I have never been exactly Saintly, but do I really deserve the SHIT that I feel right now.? No one is perfect, and, trust me, I am WELL aware of the fact I have lied and cheated and caused pain (one particular time still makes me feel so guilty and horrible that I just want to smack myself in the head and that happened over seven years ago.!!), but is this the karma that I have been getting back for that recently.?
You know what. Fuck this. I cannot control anything, I try to make my own luck but it NEVER works out any more. Just when I get hold of something I really want it slips through my fingers and cuts me to shreds at the same time. One day maybe I will smile properly again, rather than the lop sided sad sneer I currently do a nice line in. I may be a goth but I don’t want to be miserable.
So where do I go from here.? Suggestions on the back of a stamp, please. I know what I SHOULD do (and trust me, I sometimes would love to tell people to fuck off to their face, please don’t assume that is you, because I think I have said it before). I should break away and leave it all alone, back off and forget everything. But I don’t want to. I see a chance, a tiny, tiny shaft of light. But it is so far away it is barely visible. Like a dead star. By the time the light gets here it will be gone.
Fuck the world. Fuck God, Fuck everything.
Broken.
Hey. I know you don’t really know me. But sometimes that can be okay. Sometimes it helps to know someone, only one person atleast has read you blog, your rant, or your whatever you wanted to write. Even if I am just a stranger. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone you hardly know. I have this advice because I use it myself. If you want to talk to me, you know who I am (I hope) and don’t hesistate to do so. Just so you know atleast one person is here
Although I am sure lots and lots of people are out there for you! Anyway… I did write this once, but it kinda didn’t send so now I’m re-writing everything and I’m trying to remember what I said. I lost my li’l sister. And I found it really hard to believe that she was in heaven. But I think I will see her again. And that she is there looking out for me. I know you may not believe in that now. But I’m sure something will pick you up off your feet again and you will smile again. One tiny smile, is like a yawn. The smile will create another smile. And the next smile will grow bigger. Just that one tiny smile you give, will become bigger when you see how much you make others smile by just giving that one tiny thing. I know I’m probably talking complete shit to you, or you may think I am. I’m just trying to help. I might not be good at it. But I’m a good listening or reader, hense this being a blog… psh. “Everybody hurts” at one point or another. I hope you find it easier as time goes on. As they say time is the healer. I guess that is true. And I hope you can crawl out of that dark tunnel you are in very soon 
Becuse no one deserves to be unhappy. No matter what’s happened to them. It’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s true. You just don’t want to do anything. Don’t fuck the world just yet. Don’t fuck God. And don’t fuck everything. Because would you really wannt fuck everything in the world? Yes… I am blonde. I admit that. But if you fuck the world, then what would you have to go to? Never turn your back on the world or anyone, because they will turn they’re back on you. And then you’ll be stuck in the dark even more… arrgghhh… I’m gonna shut up now. Sorry. Take care, keep your chin up. Even if it is the hardest part of the day right now. And talk soon perhaps