I must pay my MUCHO thanks to a very good friend of mine who I promised I would mention on here in return for the use of her myspace as a banner farm lol.

CLICK HERE TO CHECK HER OUT. She is Trixy, aka Carly, a friend of mine from down South, now go see her, add her, and comment her before I come round and put my arse cheeks up to your windows, because she is sooo lovely.!!!

Right, who stole it.? I KNOW someone has removed it from about my person but I don’t know who.!! My weekend has disappeared from sight so quickly and it is almost Monday again. No fair. Friday night literally flew past and last night we lost an hour thanks to BST kicking in.

So Friday. Bar 4, two drunk people before we even got there. A good few drinks and a chat, then Phoenix… where I had aftershock. The first mistake. Nat got so drunk that she fell over the sofa and had to be physically supported all the way to Hobbits by me and the botanical Mr Moss. I managed to push Sarah with one finger and she fell, taking the indecently drunk Stew with her as she hit the deck. I should point out I was more than a little drunk too.

Hobbits was really quiet but that meant we had a lot of dancing room. Which was nice lol. After that I don’t remember much. I DO remember saying a lot of stuff I really shouldn’t have. Mouth open, foot in style.

So yesterday was much the same, just add in Domininon and Route instead of Bar 4. This time I DIDN’T have aftershock. Definately a good idea… well until I found myself not drunk enough to dance in Hobbits and had one there instead. Managed to twist my ankle quite badly which is only really beginning to hurt now, sorry to Dan for landing on his foot.

I had to say goodbye to Hally (awwwwwww) who is moving to France.! She gave me a huge hug. Going to miss her smiling face on the weekend.

And then we wandered to the chip shop. Hwang had a very indepth conversation with Ben about being fucked in the bottom. Hmmmm. It’s things like that, Hwang.!!! Next time I am getting a taxi so I don’t have to wait for very drunk people (Nick, Ben, Hwang) to walk to the chippy and back. Nat gave me a lift (thank you hunny) and Hwang decided to give me a surprisingly good massage from the back of the car on the way home, which was well received due to the bad back I had.

This morning started off pretty late and with a text message I really didn’t need to get (karma again for something I sent last night I wonder).

And now i sit here waiting for my usual Sunday night activity.

Bye all.

I was going to post this last night, but decided not to. Then at work today I thought “Fuck it, it’s only my thoughts, who cares.” Those who think I am talking about them can do so, I am not out to hurt anyone, I just need to have a good long rant and rid myself of it. I don’t want your pity or sympathy, I have enough hugs when I need them usually, it is just stuff that is trying to get out of me and I need to be rid of. Whether this will actually help me sort my head out is another matter entirely.

So here goes…

There is no one else in this life to look after you. No one is watching you, looking after you or helping you. Your fate is left to yourself. Nothing you can do, think, pray for or wish will change that.

For the past few weeks I have been beating myself up over something I couldn’t control. I lost something important to me and thought that my world had crumbled into nothing. Maybe I am finally realising that there is more to life than someone who hurts me. I have no faith left in God either. Years ago, my ex had a poster on her wall called “Footsteps” all about someone talking to God and asking why, when things got hard, were there no footsteps other than his own. God’s reply was that in those times, He carried him. I don’t believe a word of that now.

In getting over one thing I have unwittingly stumbled headlong into something I really do not need. Being deeply in love with someone while trying to get someone else out your head is certainly not what is needed right now.

I have been a different person for almost a year now, that is to say I have found myself, who I want to be. Or at least I thought I had, but now I am so fucking unhappy and worked up all the time that nothing is able to clear my head, booze, nicotine, caffeine, crying my stupid heart out.!

A while ago, mid way through last year, I was feeling similar to this, no where near as badly though. I had lost something and regretted it, now I feel 100 times worse.

Personally, I have had enough. I am in a cycle of despair and hate that will ultimately end in self destruct. It would be so good to feel happy again, not the odd moment that I am getting of late, snatched times with people, I want proper happiness when people at work recognise me again, when I can hold my head up high and not let silly things get to me.

But at the moment I can see nothing. Like being in a blizzard while wearing sunglasses. The world to me is darker than ever before. Almost evil like I am being punished for something I did in my past. I know I have never been exactly Saintly, but do I really deserve the SHIT that I feel right now.? No one is perfect, and, trust me, I am WELL aware of the fact I have lied and cheated and caused pain (one particular time still makes me feel so guilty and horrible that I just want to smack myself in the head and that happened over seven years ago.!!), but is this the karma that I have been getting back for that recently.?

You know what. Fuck this. I cannot control anything, I try to make my own luck but it NEVER works out any more. Just when I get hold of something I really want it slips through my fingers and cuts me to shreds at the same time. One day maybe I will smile properly again, rather than the lop sided sad sneer I currently do a nice line in. I may be a goth but I don’t want to be miserable.

So where do I go from here.? Suggestions on the back of a stamp, please. I know what I SHOULD do (and trust me, I sometimes would love to tell people to fuck off to their face, please don’t assume that is you, because I think I have said it before). I should break away and leave it all alone, back off and forget everything. But I don’t want to. I see a chance, a tiny, tiny shaft of light. But it is so far away it is barely visible. Like a dead star. By the time the light gets here it will be gone.

Fuck the world. Fuck God, Fuck everything.

Broken.

Ok, finally I have found something I wish to spend all my hard earned cash on. It is called the “Butter Wizard”. It is a fully automnous butter dish which heats or cools independant to the external temperature, the website is RIGHT HERE BITCHES.!!!

Someone obviously had way too much time and a mate in the patent office.!! Whatever next.?? Oh, and I was just joking about buying it. I don’t need my butter kept warm. It tends to run off the bread.

So welcome to Monday night. Right, let me get this off my chest first…

*****RANT WARNING, TAKE COVER IN THE SHELTERS*****

Right, Tony Blair, you absolute bastard. My dentist has had to change to a private practice because your badly fucked up NHS is paying him fuck all to stay in business. So next time I go for a check up (which is only 3 weeks away ish) instead of happily forking out £15 ish for a basic check up, I am going to have to part with 35 sodding quid.!!! Well done.! Let us all hope the next time a massive 747 explodes due to some mad Israeli and his shoe bombs, the wreckage doesn’t happen to land on your fucking head… Mate.

*****RANT OVER, WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST*****

So what have I been up to today.? Well, getting up late, working, eating (actually I am hungry now as usual, lol). Did spend some of the weekend happily splashing my mini-banners across people’s comments areas on myspace. If you happen to want me inserting anything into your area, then please feel free to ask. I can always slip one in somewhere (wow, when did this turn into the script for a Carry On film.??)… “Ohhh matron.!!”

So what does the rest of the week hold.? Lots of drinking I would hope but I think tomorrow and the weekend would be where the boozing will be.

You know someone has the munchies when they eat, not only a roast dinner at lunch time, but 5 vienniese whirls, pizza, garlic bread AND chips. then is tempted by more food.! Oh and this wasn’t even me by the way.!!!

Did you know, that today is the first day of Spring, by the way. There is a distinct “thing” in the air (awaits a rude comment by someone). The crocuses (or is it croci.?) are out and the garden is starting to look like it might actually be green again. So where is the sun then.? Probably been outlawed as “anti-darkness” by the c”unt”cil round here. Wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Ok, time to have a bath/pizza/cuppa/fag*

Have a nice Tuesday, Hobbits beckons, will see you there.!

*delete as appropriate

Ah, there you are my dear boys and girls. I was wondering when you lot would slide out of bed and wander on here to have a good butchers at my musings.

Firstly the cold is going… woop.!! Secondly the hangover was not too bad despite me being woken up at 9.30am after 5 hours sleep to watch the Malasyian Grand Prix (and on that note, well done Fisi, Alonso and Button.!). Just had the first smoke of the morning. Think I might actually wander over Tesco’s and buy some of my own otherwise my brother is going to be REALLY pissed off with me asking for “spare fags” all day.

Last night was absolutely brilliant. Really enjoyed myself.

Dominion beckoned to begin with. didn’t drink quite as much as usual in there, decided to pace myself, but did manage to scoff my way through two packets of McCoy’s Tortilla Chips… which are REALLY tasty, if not a little on the warm side (but I was moaning I was cold, lol).

Then off to Route with Sarah, Harry, Mike and the infamous Hwang. Some people decided to share waaaaaaaay too much info in there. I am still deeply scarred from that, hehehe. Just don’t drink the cider or put the socks on that you can snap over you knee.!

Headed to… anyone wish to guess.?… yes Phoenix after that. Managed to avoid the Aftershock thankfully. Sarah left us to go to Hobbits early and then Jim and I followed on shortly behind.

No bands in Hobbits, Yay. So straight into the dancing. I did a lot of that last night. Allllmost fell over a couple of times when I was too drunk to actually stand upright for long enough. The music was pretty good, How Soon Is Now, Arctic Monkeys, I got dragged down to dance to Beating Hearts Baby which I have never danced to before (due to memories it had created) but I now have a good memory to link it with so I am happy.

Almost one fight in there last night, some drunk guy and his girlfriend. Both Brem and myself headed to grab a bouncer but he beat me to it, lol.

Big thanks to Jim for driving me home despite looking like he was about to fall asleep at any possible moment.!

So today, I am recovering slowly in front of Bottom Live 1 and 2. It’s so nice out but soooo windy. Let Spring commence.!!

And as a wise man once said… “I said brick… not penis.”

PS, If you were the little cunt that stole my Spiral top from Hobbits last night, then when I find you I WILL tear you a new arsehole. Prick.

Well I have ordered two new Spiral tops, but have to wait 7 to 28 days . Oh well. Hopefully the other things I have ordered will be here for Friday so I can show them off and give someone a nice sight, lol.

It is indeed bracingly windy outside. Just nipped over to check on bus times for Angel, then grabbed some supplies for later and enjoyed the lovely warm sunshine while I was out there.

Just been watching a very old edition of “Police, Camera, Action” on the TV. Never seen so many mark 4 Escorts and late model Senator’s. It was like watching The Bill only more exciting, and real obviously.

Am I more than you bargained for.?

Saturday afternoon. My head has recently stopped throbbing from the hangover, but is still tender from the irritating cold I have picked up (thanks to my line manager for that).

So that was Friday night. Bar 4 at half seven. Plenty of drink to cancel out my horrible feeling of snottiness (sorry!) and menthol fags as well as normal (which STILL got “borrowed” off me dammit). Angel and Sarah both looked lovely, as did I (although I was feeling oddly unattractive and I still cannot work out why).

Headed to Hobbits.. actually Phoenix, we cheated and squeezed in a very quick couple of drinks there before going to watch Deagon in Hobbits (Paul’s band, bad photos HERE and HERE). They were really good actually.

We both got in about 2.30am and slept like logs, well I didn’t because I can’t breathe properly when I am lying down dammit.!

So tonight we start again as usual at 8 in Dominion and celebrate the other half (the rocky half) of Hwang’s 21st (*cough* bulllshit *cough*) birthday. I think I may be drunk again.!

Hehehehehe.

Good evening peeps. What a fun filled week it is so far…

…hmmm, no sarcastic smiley to add there. thats annoying lol.

Well I had a perfect weekend. But I can’t explain that, lol.

Drank too much both nights. Covered myself in ammonia on Saturday afternoon, had someone steal half of one of my favourite pizzas the same night (which is VERY rare she didn’t lose an arm, others have in the past).!

Now do I have anything to rant about.? Hmmmmm, not right now (well not that I can tell you lot about at least). I might pop in again later.

Interestingly I have had over 2000 views since the 1st of March. Now that is impressive. Sorry about the slight hiatus in transmission last night, Hwang was having a play (take that as you will, jizz in the main server I hope not.!!)

I know I have technically already posted today but I am now sober and may make more sense, lol.

I am so sodding bored it is incredible. Thankfully I have talked Hwang into going to the pub for a little drinky in an hour. At least tomorrow night I get to go for an intimate curry with Angel, so that will entertain me, BUT, I have got to work for six hours first. Oh joy. And Sarah is off in Ireland so I can’t text her dammit.!

So how do I feel today.? Well I am happy, ish. Got something in my head that is really worrying me but I can’t sort it out until I talk to someone who isn’t bloody online. Git. What a pain in the arse that is. So I shall be biting my nails until he appears. Arse biscuits.!

Well I have 40 minutes to get bathed, shaved (not down there naughty people), and ready to go out so I shall love you (no not you, I am fed up with loving you ) and go get sorted.

Byeee all.!!!

Its been a hard weekend and start to the week. But I had a good night tonight. Got a lot of stuff off my chest to friends who have listened to me wittering on about my own feelings.

I am starting to not care about things any more which is nice, because it means I can work on getting over my losses.

But. Now, there is always a but isn’t there. Someone else has entered my life by surprise, from a place I never realised. And now I find myself stuck on them. It is nice to have something else to focus on, but then again, there are problems there too. Lol.

My life is never simple so why should that change now. At least for the moment I can be single and looking. Hmmm, though I did try that last year and made a terrible mistake. Not easy to work out what I want, but I do know I HATE being single for any length of time.

It’s a horrible feeling knowing that the only people who love you are your friends and family (ok, that sounds wrong, because it is ALWAYS nice to be loved no matter who by) what I mean is, it is not nice to know I am alone. To know I have no one to refer to as my girlfriend any more. Though she caused me countless hours of grief and pain, I still feel strongly for her, and that will only fade into friendship over a period of time.

But as a good friend has just said to me, Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Which is very true. I could meet the girl of my dreams. Working at Argos for six hours, and not doing much else, it sounds pretty unlikely, but who knows. Then again maybe I have already met her and time is just waiting for the right moment to throw us together. I certainly hope so. It would be so good. Obstacles remain of course, maybe they always will, only time will tell whether she is the one for me or if someone else appears in my life and bring back that happy Fluffy Bunny smile that everyone knows.

I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy.

It will come back soon enough though.

Thank you all. xxxx

What am I feeling.?? I am so confused.!!!
Hug me.
xxx