Thank goodness for Sundays. Not having to work is a very good thing (and lets face it, I will NEVER work Sundays unless there is a very good reason. Don’t think ANYONE should work Sundays apart from public services obviously).

I have had *breaks out emergency calculator* eight and a half hours sleep last night having nodded off reading Stalingrad again at 3am this morning. Better than the three hours I had the night before, but the company (one Teletubby sitting by my desk) wasn’t anywhere near as cute as the previous night.

Last night was a hot bed of me yawning, women in short skirts and chavs moaning because they were getting ID’ed at Hobbits. One chavvy prick just wouldnt stop moaning on about it to the door staff and spent about 15 minutes trying to tell them they should have a big sign telling you you must be 18 to get in.! As if no one knew that.!! Twat. Good to have something to laugh at, stood outside as I was.

Went in the Cabot as well. Upstairs is horrifically dark, even compared to Hobbits, and thats painted black.!! It is like they have put the lights up and then forgotten to buy enough bulbs. At least it wasnt quite as bad as the delightful hell hole, aka Madisons *shivers*. Oh how I hate that place. Definately in my definitive guide of shite holes to avoid in Weston. Miserable bastard aren’t I lol.

Oh I remember what I was going to say now… I saw the saddest thing the other day. Now I don’t mean sad as in unhappy I mean sad as in “childish and petty”…

We had our new book coming out Saturday just gone. We were allowed to release them at 2pm on Friday for a preview, but you couldn’t buy anything. However someone in our place made the stupid mistake of putting them out the front of our shop covered in thin plastic and cardboard. All the dirty little scag head single mothers and senile old pissy geriatrics that have no respect for instructions managed to nick a sizeable proportion before we could stop them.! It was like watching famine victims grabbing rice off the back of a truck in Somalia or something. The top act of the morning however was the utterly ridiculous retard of a woman who was literally screaming at our staff because we wouldnt let her have a book.!! She even phoned customer services to get one given to her but they told her to fuck off too (good job because I wouldn’t have given her a book even if they had said yes). I hope she comes in again because I am personally going to ban her from the store and maybe even give her a free pass for the London Underground.!

I am going to go out in the garden now and maybe take a few photos of the various insects out there. Have to look up prices for macro lenses for those ultra close up shots.

Oh and wooo hoooo to Raikkenen who came first in the race in Hungary. Well done old bean. Bad luck to Monty though.

Sleeeep will come soon lol

***LATE NEWS***
Just had a thought… I saw the worst bit of false advertising ever the other day. Was stood in Greggs on an errand for my boss and there in front of me was a girl with a pair of jeans that had a little tag sewn on one arse cheek. It read “Sexy”. She bloody wasn’t.!! Right moose. Done now.

It is eleven minutes past four in the afternoon. I am sat exhausted and happy in front of my computer. Last night was brilliant. A fantastic venue, a two great live bands, free food, a chocolate fountain and most importantly a stunning woman on my arm.

I started off in a pub with a pint, still in my baggies, in Cannington until Vanilla and friends had finished eating (I am really weird about gate crashing in on people scoffing food). Eventually I appeared on the door step of Claire’s house and met everyone and got changed into my suit, which was very well received, drank a couple of glasses of champagne (which always gets me drunk really quickly. Never a good thing lol) and then we headed out to the ball. It was held on a farm the other side of Cannington, in a HUGE marquee, across a pond with a bridge covered in grasses and ribbons (I should point out that it was a Caribbean theme ball, water melon everywhere, bar staff in bright shirts and bunches of bananas hanging from palm trees (don’t say it, I know). Above the stage at the centre of the marquee was a huge black panel with twinkling star lights. Simply put, it looked amazing.

We had a great time enjoying the music and getting more drunk, smoking too much… Photos are here…
Claire and Vanilla
Claire’s blokey Dave
Vanilla

We left about 3am and we finally got to bed at about 4.45am, as it was getting light. Eventually got to sleep at about 7am and I woke up at what I thought was about midday, stumbled inside from our tent and found it was actually only 10am. Bugger. Worth it though.

So here I sit, now its 16.28 and I have had three hours sleep after having been awake for 24 hours straight, and the worst thing.? I am going out again in three hours.! Goodness knows how long I will last.! We shall wait and see…

Oh and just one more piccy from the ball…
Cute One

Hmmm that title makes it sound like I am a little egg bound. Which I am not I can assure you.

**Public Service Announcement**
This blog entry is actually a different blog entry from the one listed in most Blog listings magazines such as Radio Blog, Whats on Blog and Blog Times.

I am currently talking to Vanilla about tomorrow nights arrangements and downloading “Asleep in the Back” the year 2000 release by the lovely Elbow. I have been packing and think I have everything. Marbles excluded obviously. If any one thinks there is something I may have forgotten then please add a comment and I will read it before I go.

Not a good day at work. Long story. I will tell you next Tuesday.. and thats a long story too. Lol.

I was just wondering what to have for supper but as look would have it the offer of a selection of chicken goujons has been laid upon me. Lovely. Must get my condiments out. Ah that takes me back… actually to the time when this CD I have playing now was out (The Album CD 2 from 2000) the sound of Grandaddy, Air and Turin Breaks (The Door, looooove that track so peaceful). Years ago when I worked for Brooks, processing photos and generally enjoying myself at the controls of a photo lab (A Gretag ML741, hence its name Emil… ML. See.? Things are easier to talk to when they are being difficult if you christen them with a proper name.). In my cupboard out the back I had the best array of condiments I have ever had the pleasure to own… Sauces of all kinds, BBQ, brown, ketchup, the lot, salt pepper, seasonings galore. Oh what a life I lead.

Well its time for a quick bath… my record is 5 minutes now, start to finish, full soaping, hair wash and shave.!! Very impressive I think.

I must go and soap up things.

Don’t you just hate it when your meat and two veg get stuck together. Shocking. Sorry too much information I am sure.

Enjoy Friday. And I hope you all have balls of your own

(I am actually laughing out loud as I typed that, simple things)

Like my title for today.. a play on The Bitch Is Back obviously mutated with the Stitching Bastards theme…. never mind. You will get it one day.

Couldn’t be arsed to write a blog yesterday, getting lazy in my old age I suppose. I am almost 27 after all.!!

What’s on the board for today then… well, apparently the guy on the underground who found himself on the receiving end of 8 of the Metropolitan Police’s best bullets (actually it was 5 everywhere else I have read but for on the BBC). The reason he ran away.?? Problem with his Visa… I tell you, thats the last time I piss off MY credit card company.!!

The rainy season appears to have started again. Bloody typical. I am supposed to be camping it up this weekend. Hang on… that didn’t come out quite right. What I meant was, after the ball I am checking in to a little tented accomodation. I love the sound of rain on canvas (ok, nylon taffetta, but it doesn’t sound quite as romantic.! ). And today, of course, the Red Arrows turned up but couldn’t do their full display because of the low cloud. Didn’t even bother whipping out my long one (OI.! Telephoto lens thank you… hmmmm actually, that too lol).

I had better take off my nail varnish I suppose. It has been on there since last Thursday but it is beginning to look as though some one has abraded my nails with a belt sander. Tch. Things I do to look beautiful (eh Thongy.?).

I still have a plentiful list of stuff to do for Friday. Gotta polish my shoes. Sort my shirt out, it needs ironing. Sure there is more. Better make a list.

Oh, and I have been offered a new job. 17K a year with travel expenses (its in Bridgy, the UK’s second worse town, the first.? Well it’s funny you should ask that… *shudder* “Roooooooar.!!” *sound of ripping clothes*)

“HULK wants RANT”.!!

Oh yes. Some one mentioned a documentary on my darling home town. The subject, well just Weston in general. And they filmed two girls going in to Senioritas, my worst pub nightmare (actually second worse if you include Yate’s Bar and Dragon Kiss, both joint first). When they went in they were both sober. Ish. In the next scene one of them was pissed as a fart, her bloke was being “ejected” from the chavvy place and she was hurling the sort of abuse that only comes from some bint in a topshop outfit after 18 bottles of VK Blue. Lovely people we have around here. Hope she fell out of the door of the taxi on the way home. While it was moving. Down the M5. With her boyfriend falling out at the next bend.

Anyway. I better put me clothes back on and stop turning green when I get annoyed.

More tomorrow.!! Woo hooooo.!

Ahhhhh, another wonderful week begins. Well lets face it, I am already one fifth of the way through. Only four more sleeps to the ball. Getting nervous, but its nice to learn things about someone that makes you smile a lot. :D:D No further comments from me on that one.

Had a very hectic day today. People parking in effing stupid places (your car says disabled, I didn’t realise it included people with no common sense, mate). Almost got him towed, little bastard but the truck had to pull another first from t’other end of the street and he came back in time to only get a ticket. :banghead:

I have a new toy. A fantastically lovely SLR camera. All the x’s and y’s and a huge lens to boot that means i can get some nice close up nature shots of various species of the Hymenoptera and Tastius Birdus genus. Expect plenty of test shots on here.!! Nowt rude though, thats what my digital cam is for

I had a thought earlier (no, no, titter ye not missus oooooooh, it does happen sometimes). I was thinking about… wait for it… Stalin’s decisions on the eve of the German’s “Operation Barabossa”, the invasion of the USSR. Now I am well aware a lot of you are all sitting there going “You what.??” but I have started reading Antony Beevor’s fantastically informative book, Stalingrad. Again. It is a fabulous book, making you really concious of both the incredible conditions that both sides fought in and the downright depraved treatment of prisoners and civilians on both sides. Anyhow, that aside, the thing that intrigued me most was the way in which ‘ole Joey Stalin simply refused to believe everything he was told by his generals and senior commanders in the field…

On the night before the German armies came barrelling into Russia, there was over 3 million troops with artillery, planes, tanks and other bits and pieces (as a means of showing you lot how big the operation was, the Nazis had 600,000 horses there as well, just to pull various wagons, guns etc). Stalin was repeatedly told by his front line troops that the faeces was about to collide with the air-conditioning, but he still stood resolute and had another vodka instead. Days later the moustachioed fool was thinking about running like hell as the Wehrmacht (Armed Forces) came over the nearest hill like in Zulu, only with slightly bigger spears.

All this is totally irrelevant to the point I wanted to make. I was just trying to paint you a little picture of the ridiculous stupidity that Stalin showed in the name of Communism… my actual point was, rather understandably, far more childish. I was just imagining this… one day, building a time machine. Going back to 1945, after the end of World War 2. Finding Stalin, sticking my tongue in my bottom lip and going….

“nmmmmmmmnmnmnmnmnnmnnmnmm.!!!”

Just had to get that out.!!

***LATE NEWS***
Check this out… truly bizarre (flash cartoon ish)
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/special+edition/

and a little song…

My girlfriend was fed up of rowing;
she suggested we went for a punt;
I said bollocks to that;
Take off your hat;
And give us a flash of your (answers on the back of a beer mat to the usual address please).

Ok, thats it. I have been monumentally confused and my head swivelled upside down in a small cage. Twas a good night out last night. Fun and frolics aplenty and no phone calls, problems or the like. Had a few drinks in various pubs, then meandered to Hobbits where the band decided to carry on playing until infinity and it felt like someone had lit a bonfire of wet wood in the corner. They weren’t actually that good either so we had to put up with them until 12.15 ish and then got the chance to dance… finally. Brownie was there with her boyfriend and we didn’t exchange a word, not that I really care. And then there was Blondie. This is where my Exorcist like head-spinning confusion came in…

You see, Blondie came and said hello. Now, regular readers will remember all that stuff I mentioned about using my sense of smell to identify people (like a 6 foot 4 Labrador only I don’t shag your leg, unless you ask me too at least), well leaning in to talk to Blondie I was assailed by a very familiar smell. I jumped back and she actually asked what the matter was.

You see, she had on Vanilla perfume. Enough said.?

Well the night ended up with Blondie and at least four of her mates taking off their tops and dancing around in bras which, lets put it mildly, was awfully nice to see. Yes I got photos, yes so did Dave, yes I will put them up sometime soon.

Can’t wait til the ball though. Still highlight of my week. Now I need to buy some batteries for my camera, my MP3 player and, oh yes, a new camera for more professional photos…

All applications for the stitchingbastards “advertising girl” please email me at the usual address hehe.

And Alonso wins again, Raikonnen’s car fails again, Button gets on the podium again and Montoya, what a race.!!! 11 places on the first lap to go from 20th on the grid to 2nd at the end.

Well done, Juan. *Sings* Juan, two, Juan, two, three, four.!!

***LATE NEWS***
Photos are up and at these following links…
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/hwonging.JPG
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/devilcaz.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/clubbingblondie.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/blondiedance.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/blondiefriendslighter.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/geniusjustin.jpg

Enjoy. I did

***LATER NEWS***
Few more…
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/richyrichrich.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/delandpaul.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/paulandsteve.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/everyone.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/brasout.jpg
www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/darkmellighter.jpg

Any one remember that.?? Brian Cant. The one who did all the voices for Camberwick Green etc. It was on after King Rollo during the “See-Saw” kids TV thing after the News At One. My generations equivilent of Watch With Mother. Sorry, just a lay over from the last blog/rambling.

Good to see we are now gunning down terrorists on station platforms. Good work boys. Lets hope they can get a few more…!!! Does make you wonder though, why the bombs didn’t go off as intended. I have the answer of course. They are all built by middle eastern types, and everyone knows that when you see the words “Built in Afganistan” on the side of something, it is not going to work properly. I suggest they sort out their quality control system. ***CENSORED ON LEGAL ADVICE***

Last night was a mixture of good and bad. I will omit the bad, but Vanilla was delightful and actually there. Wow. And my fashion parade for my suit got a thumbs u too so thats good too. Tonight… Blondie 5, The Return. We shall see how that goes.

Quote of the week from my good friend and “Rebin Partner” Melons Harris, when discussing the ability of certain parts of our store to close and not affect sales too much she quipped “Wish I could shut my area.” Hmmmm. Think before you quip next time hunny.

And I would like to end the sermon today with a little rhymne, just to compete with a certain person stuffing the entire lyrics of “The Chicken Song” up and calling it a blog entry… hehe…

Mary, Mary, quite contrary;
How does your garden grow;
It doesn’t no more;
I’m a media whore;
It was decked on a make over show.
(credit to the delightful Punt ‘n’ Dennis)

Good day to you all.

**LATE NEWS**
Hmmmm, someone is reading this who I have argued with today. Someone I helped and put myself through hell for. Thank you for throwing it all back in my face. I hope you enjoy being lonely. Its certainly your own fault.

Grow up you silly little girl.

Oh hell. Not London again. Flamin’ terrorists.!!

Half the problem is that we actually let these people into the country in the first place… and yes, I am fully aware that they probably were born here. I didn’t mean the terrorists, who to be honest are just gullible young men falling into the trap of listening to extremist attitudes. I am talking about that Cleric who was let into the country the other day, despite being the usual “We hate the West, kill them all” type of loveable rogue. Not only that but we also were giving the little cu*t money.!!! He was on the radio earlier saying that he didn’t condone the bombings but if someone told him that they had planted a bomb somewhere or were going to do that then he wouldn’t tell the authorities.! He would let innocent people die.!! BASTARD. I personally hopes someone accidentally reverses 97 combine ‘arvesters over his body then throws him into the sea. Apparently it is “Allahs willing” if the bombs go off. Lets hope Allah has a good allahbi if they do.

Normally I avoid talking about religion but today I just HAD to get that off my chest.

I was about to start this next section with the phrase “It’s been a funny old day.” But then I realised it made me sound like Awkright does when he is taking in all the fruit at the end of ‘Open All Hours’ (or in the case of Rebecca Loos and Abi Titmus, ‘Open All Legs’). So instead I shall do something a little different….

We asked 100 viewers…. Who do you remember hosting Family Fortunes most vividly.?

Lol. Odd question it maybe but I tend to relate times of my life to music, or stuff that was on TV. I am almost 27, so tend to remember a lot of early eighties TV programmes rather than the gobshite a lot of you watched in the mid nineties. Bod, Mr Benn, Bagpuss and Trumpton (Chigley, Camberwick Green), for all their basic stop frame animation and overly innocent charms, leap way ahead in the stakes when compared with such 90’s tosh as Hey Arnold, Rood Dog and the Dweebs and The Tweenies. When it comes to Family Fortunes, the person I remember best of all hosting it was Bob Monkhouse. And a little of Max Bygraves. Most of you will probably remember Les “Well I don’t really know” Dennis hosting it.

No idea how I got onto that topic but thats just my random brain I guess.

It’s been a funny old day. Dammit, it slipped out. Must try to control it tomorrow.! To be honest it hasn’t really been much of an any sort of day. Got plenty done which is good and makes a change for me, some might say. I must get on with putting my nail varnish on. Might be a little busy to do it tomorrow.

I will tell you what. I could do with smoking a nice cuban right now. And no, I have never sucked off Fidel Castro…

Or Bill Clinton.!

Thank goodness for fantastic timing. My blog was updated literally hours before Hwang’s loveable hard drive ground itself into a most disappointing and costly mess. This time I have started backing up my own site (well the text anyway) so I can at least keep my ramblings for posterity, I certainly read them repeatedly even if no other bugger does.

Well its been a couple of days since I have been able to have a good old fashioned, no nonsense, pants wedged in your butt all day, smacking head on shelf inducing rant. So lets get stuck in shall we…

Firstly I would like to pay tribute to the fu*king genius that turned off the main set of traffic lights on my way to work. They replaced them with a temporary set that had obviously been programmed by the sort of road worker you normally see dragging a spade along the side of a motorway with his forehead keeping the rain off his feet. Each change to green lasted about 15 seconds and let 6 cars through. Then there was a delightful 60 second long pause and then another 15 seconds for the other direction. It took me 20 minutes to go about 500 metres.!! Wish I had got out and turned the fu*king things off. We went through along with about 40 other cars when the damn things went red for another huge period. I actually phoned the council when I got off the bus and they went and sorted them out but not before asking “Aren’t the contractors on site.??” Excuse me.??

Contractors.?? Road contractors, people that mend roads, the little guys you see in bobble hats in August.? On site.? Before 11.30am.?

You must be living in a chuffing dream world matey-boy.

Second rant is a little different to normal… because for a change I am not passing the buck onto anyone else. I am ranting about me. Cute ‘ole Fluffy Bunny. I have managed to make so many mistakes in my personal life this week already that it has just been unreal. I am cursing my indecision, my lack of morals, my sense of self over-importance and even my self pity, which is so richly ironic because this entire paragraph is pure self pity wrapped up in a pastry case and baked for 40 minutes at gas mark 6, but I digress. I am hoping to get my thumb out of my hairy arse and get on with life.

The ball is but nine days away, my suit (£89 worth.!) is here already, Vanilla is ready and waiting (tch, not like that, you really do have the filthiest of minds.!!) and I am arranging a loan to cover the cost of the drinks and the night itself…..
*WARNING RANT APPROACHING*

TWO POUNDS EIGHTY-SEVEN. Thats how much I paid for a bottle of Smirnoff ice in Yates bar in Regent Street on Saturday night. That is the highest price I have met when buying a bottle of the damn stuff in a bar. I thought the grotty and ugly tourist filled Senioritas was a pile of overpriced wank but I was slightly off the mark… that is to say it IS overpriced wank but I didn’t think anything could beat it.! And the stupid bitch behind the counter managed to cover both my friend and I by sliding the damn bottle straight on to the floor. Normally I wait until I get to Hobbits before I get covered in alcohol (you know who you are, you messy bugger.!!) So I implore you all to avoid Yates if you have any sense, when you can buy Smirnoff Ice for £2.50 in most other places and still have enough money left for your bus fare home… *ANOTHER RANT COMING… oh dear*

I realised the other day that I used to pay £1.20 for the bus to town and back (return ticket) but now I pay £2.40.!! Double the price. Now you are probably thinking “He is old and it was probably 1992 or summink, but it wasn’t it was 2001.! Four years in which the bus fare doubles. Even fags haven’t doubled in that time.!!! 80 pence a mile. Bastards. Hope their wheels all fall off.

Ok gotta stop now. I will be crashing the site again. I have added some new photos to the database (or I will in a second so watching this space for late news with the links).

Two days til the weekend.!

*sings* Mines a Mild and Vimto.!

If you ever need someone in your life to look after you. If you ever need someone to “talk you down” and make sure your feet are firmly on the ground then it is friends that do that. Once again this weekend I had my friend who’s friends had let her down in the worst possible way and put her in danger. Lost out in a big city, not knowing where she was, alone with little money and not feeling well. She was hysterical (and I know reading this, so I hope she sees my point rather than thinking I am publicising her problems…) and she phoned me. I spent a good while trying to calm her down and in the process got understandably worried and upset again myself.

But whereas last time I was alone, this time I had my friends around me, two of whom knew what I had gone through the week before and they kept me calm, even one of them offering to talk to her to calm her down as I was failing.

If you have friends going through a hard time then I hope you are there for them. If not then why not.? One day you might be needing them.

In the end I just want to thank my friends for being there, because if they hadn’t then I would be a mess by now.

Thank you. I love you guys.