Hands up who has a bad neck.? Just me then… AGAIN. This time at least I can pinpoint the actual song that did it to me. I am pretty sure it was Disturbed but i cannot take legal action without proof lol. Not that I would of course. That would just be stupid. I know the risks of dancing like a twat and “quiote liderally” (say it in a Smashy and Nicey way people.!!) bouncing off the walls. I would never sue the council for tripping over a paving slab or falling off a kerb because these things just happen. It is life. Deal with it. Or look where the fuck you are going of course.

Which brings me onto my Monday rant. Apparently that great big Two Jag’ed, bloated waste of space, Mr John Prescott has had a brain wave (am I the only person who feels that he fits into the cabinet in the same way that Hermann Goering fitted into the head of the Nazi leadership.? Obviously minus the cross dressing, he leaves that to Mandelson one would have to assume.!) Now his bright idea is this. When you build a house, from now on you have to put a valve in to prevent the hot water filling the bath on its own and cooking you like a lobster (mmmmmmm lobster). It would be a legal requirement and would be “retro-fitted” to ALL houses in the country, and get this, CHECKED as a matter of course to ensure compliance. CHECKED.??? Who the fuck by.??

*BING*

Ah I feel a new department of the Government about to spring into being. The Valve Checkers Union will be a Home Guard of former water engineers conscripted from post office queues and slipper shops. Kind of a Plumbers Dad’s Army.

The reason he is instigating this pointless, and lets face it, expensive exercise has got to be simply so he has something to control. A fat puppeteer of the masses if you will. Ostensibly the measures will prevent old people and kids scolding themselves, proving once and for all that this country is now incapable of looking after themselves. Its easy. If you are old, test the water with a body part first. Alzheimers setting in.? Then go NOW and get some paper…. oh hang on you wont return here will you. Dammit, well just get someone to put a big sign on your wall saying TEST BEFORE YOU JUMP IN or something…. parents, put the cold in first. How difficult is that.?? Some underage slapper (I know her personally (not like that.!!) so can say that is true) managed to cause her kid fatal injuries by leaving it with a hot water only bath running. Time to start giving common sense lessons to children in schools.!! I have no children but even I can work out that leaving your child next to something the same temperature as the surface of the Sun is not a good idea…. *breathes*

Ok headache forming. Must stop. But you see my point, right.?

*LATE NEWS* (again.!!)
My over-stretched mind has just brought up the matter of two horrible reality TV shows. Big Brother (amazing how angry I can become just by reading those two words together, sorry Mr Orwell.!!) is returning to our screens AGAIN…! Why.?? Why bother.?? Channel 4, no one cares anymore, apart from the tabloid press (I would love to see the BB people locked in the house and forced to wipe their pathetic anuses (should that be Anai? Discuss.!) with week old editions of The Sun and The Mirror). Anyone remember ANY of the last people who were in that goodness forsaken house.? No, I couldn’t either.! Just kill it now. . . . we beg of you.!!

The other show is the Love Island thing… Now when I first heard this I thought “They will need to get a couple of slappers on that show, Rebecca “I shagged a footballer” Loos and Abi “I have shagged an ex Blue Peter presenter” Titmus would do. Imagine my amusement when I find out they BOTH are in there. As is a footballer, Lol. You really don’t have to write this stuff its just right there.! Oh boy am I glad I have Sky.

My my.! What a long one today. Hehehe.

Usually at this juncture I am nursing a headache and a slight feeling of nausea. Today however I am only half way there.

Last night was a bit of a non-starter. Hobbits didn’t feel right, I think it was due to a huge number of chavs.! White shirts and trainers everywhere and three women who looked so uncomfortable while swaying slightly to Disturbed that I actually felt embarrassed for them.!! The music was rather poor as well. Plenty of early eighties rock and iffy early ninties commercial music such as House of Pain and Prodigy.

At least they played How Soon Is Now as a final song which meant that Hwang, Rich and myself were last off the dance floor (hmmm in fact add in a very cute tall goth girl and a fat guy who was trying to pull Hwang I think.!). Blondie wasn’t there, not that I care to be honest. Slightly annoyed that I didn’t pull but twice in a decade, lets not kid ourselves here lol.

On the subject of women I am more than a litle confused. I “want” Blondie, but then again, where is the future. I “want” a good number of people but some have boyfriends (grrrr you know EXACTLY who you are), some live bloody miles away and some just wouldn’t work out. Why can’t things be simple in my life *shakes head*.

Come on ladies, what am I doing wrong here.? Why am I so attractive to women who either have massive baggage, huge distances away, have severe emotional problems or sodding blokes in tow.

Right I will shut up now then.! My axe needs grinding.!!

Well its Saturday again. My working day is over, my credit card bill is sorted and I am in an annoyingly good mood. I’m talking to you now from my bedroom on the first floor (I am trying to make it sound a little like Neville “The Germans don’t want another war” Chamberlain when he explained that we had gone to war against Germany in 1939). The sun is (almost) shining and my chilli plant needs watering, but otherwise the world is good.

Plans for tonight.? Well my good friend Gemma will be doing my nails a delicate black colour and then its tea and tosspots at H2O and then we shall wind a merry path to Hobbits (ok two of us will, but not the rest lol) and its a pattern we follow every week but its fun so I am not bothered. Only problem I can see is my new top. To be honest its effing freezing outside and I am going to be wandering around in just a t shirt. Oh to suffer for my fashion.!

Will my darling blondie appear, will I drink too much and be sick in the pocket of some chavs tracksuit bottoms, find out in tomorrows exciting episode of Herges Adventures of Tin-T….. hang on, i meant I’ll tell you tomorrow in another of my rambling messages.

Harold.!!!! Let go of that at once.!!!

*LATE NEWS* (lot of that recently.!!)

www.chavtown.co.uk seems I am not the only one who is amused by the current trend for my home town to be infested with the rancid Chavness that is sweeping the nation. The article rings worryingly true to life.! Enjoy

Once again there is a little smile on my face. A certain person has added me to her msn messenger. A small development of course but its a start lets face it.!!

Moving onto important stuff… A certain Spongebob BlairPants has praised the Bluewater Centre’s decision to ban hoodies from their shopping Mall. Quite honestly this is the biggest pile of shite I have heard in years.!! They say its because they cover the faces of those who are trying to nick stuff, but haaaaaang ooooon (said in true Leslie Phillips style) I wear a hoodie, would I not be allowed in.?? I only put the hood up if its raining (look, it stops the stuff that makes my hair spiky from being washed out, *minces round room*). Ridiculous. If you want to cut down on crime then why not have a few more security guards and (Blair if you are reading this take heed) how about using tax payers money to form some sort of force that could help prevent crime and catch criminals. They could police the country….. call them the Police. Genius idea, Ian.!!!

Tomorrow night is Hobbits unless someone is going out tonight. Have to wait and see.

Take care and don’t eat my waffle.

*LATE NEWS*
My lovely brand new cyber dog top is here… http://www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/tshirt.jpg the plastic stripes down the front are UV reactive so I will be a shining light on the dance floor.!

….well at least what passes for normal service.!

Good Evening to you all. I have returned.!! Obvious statement I guess but hey. Firstly the hotel was very posh, my room (which I had for only little old me) had TWO double beds in it.!! Secondly the bar was on the pricey side as was the food but at least the company picked up the food bill (and pizza hut hehehe). Thirdly… dammit, run out again…!!

The course was interesting and good fun, we had two very different people taking the two days and I ate a ham sandwich with strawberry jam in it which was surprisingly nice.!!

Now enough of that.! My two cyberdog tops have arrived and both look amazing I shall be ripping my hair out trying to decide which one to wear on saturday night. might have to go out tmrw just to be able to wear both.!

Right well I am starving and need a bath. Chinese a la Bubbles maybe.!

Going to go brief my team now… oooops too much course in head.. BOOOM

LATE NEWS… A big hello to a certain someone reading my site at the minute… the entire editorial team (ie delicate but growly little me) think you are delicious.

Another Monday off for me you may notice. Not a pattern but a freak of nature because come tomorrow night I shall be in my collegue’s Vectra heading down south for a two day course to find out if I am good enough to get onto a managment course called AIMS. Now I know I am supposed to be against all that sort of thing, dodgy acronyms etc, but as I have decided that I should stay where I am, in my present job and head upwards I guess I will have to get used to it. Besides, I am looking at it this way, two free nights in a hotel with some paid for meals… I can handle that. Call it a working holiday maybe.

Moving on, I managed to buy a Cyberdog top worth £26 of Ebay for £1.25. Oh my word what a bargain. Now I have FIVE different tops I am waiting for and a hell of a choice of what to wear to Hobbits this weekend. I might have to go two nights so I can wear more than one (and hopefully bump into she who will remain nameless again).

Ooooh and if you are wondering about the I Hurt title line its because I have just eaten a 12 inch pizza with potato wedges and chicken dippers… ooooow. Soooo full.!!!

Well have fun boys and girls, as I say I will be away until Thurday so text me and brighten my life a little.

And George………………. Don’t do that.

Due to the nature of this post I am afraid I am going to have to censor it to protect those who read this and know me.

Saturday night… not a bad night. In fact, it was fantastic. The usual scenario, start at H2O and then hit the heady delights of Phoenix bar before mooching off up Hobbits and that is where for (bizarrely) once I had a night like no other.

If you have read the previous posts I make on this board (audience – yes we tried to read them but they are all really really boring) then you will remember that I am terrible at pulling in nightclubs. In honesty, last night was the first time in my life i have managed to do it, without assistance and unaided by human hands.

And for some reason I am still smiling about it 12 hours later.

See the censored bits are the details. I am saying no more. Enjoy your day.!

Newspapers and television weren’t much cop today. Same as the day after Princess Di died or 11/9 (no not 9/11, I am not a bloomin’ yank who has their numbers in a stupid order (although some of staff at work do that anyway)). I couldn’t be arsed to even pick up The Sun (yes I know what you are thinking but I don’t buy it myself, my family does). I knew Tony and the Wicked Witch would get back in but in my constituancy I am glad that we peed all over the Lib Dems and can see if the Tories can make a huge mess of our local area instead of Charles “I’ll only have a wee one” Kennedy. He was in our High Street the other day and a good friend of mine was close enough to reach out and squeeze his balls… sadly he didn’t but I would have, just to see if he had any. If Paddy “pants down” Ashdown was still in power I wouldn’t have even thought about it because he might have enjoyed it a little TOO much and I don’t want that kind of a smear on my hands (audience – arrrrrgh obvious penis joke.. nooooooo).

In other news today, I have cut all the dead chillis off my little chilli plant. Exciting life I lead isn’t it.! Ah well, Hobbits tomorrow and I get to show off my new Him belt (piccy on photo board here http://www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/himbelt.jpg). Hope the new tops appear too. Such a well dressed goth I am.

Not a 14 year olds clothes on a 26 year old eh Miss Soyer.?!

Election night and all is quiet… except my version of winamp which is pumping out the sounds of Mark and Lard’s classic radio bits. If I am honest I have just not been to vote. I read all the manifestos and decided which candidate not to vote for and then had a bath instead. In doing this I can secure myself safe in the knowledge that whoever gets in wasn’t my fault plus I got clean and had a bit of a kip into the bargain.!!

Moving on… bad luck Jenson Button for being banned for two races, an ironic concept that they were caught cheating and got banned for two races where as Ferrari constantly ignore agreements to reduce testing to keep costs down and so are the only team to do external testing while the others keep the peace and save themselves money. And you always wondered why that big chinned smug Kraut always won.!! Its a bit like turning up for a British Touring Car race driving the super touring DTM German touring style car. Ridiculous.

MMmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooowwwwwwww

Today I am flummuxed, flabbergasted, generally confuzzled and bemused. I have good reason to be, because Ladies and Germs, to me, today is Monday. It feels like a Monday, its tastes like one too (I had pizza last night, a Sunday night tradition). I have two days off in a row and my whole body is knocked out of kilter. Even the hangover that I should by all rights have had yesterday has appeared today, explain that.!! But it is all in a good cause I suppose… the pursuit of a four day week with a night out on the tail end of it.

Well what shall I talk about today then… I guess it should be something to do with the election but you know what, I simply cannot be arsed. Whats the point of slagging off all these fuckwit MP’s who don’t know their arses from their mouths (if you follow me). Who ever runs the country is going to make a mockery of it and we will end up being rimmed by the Germans or bummed by the Yanks. Or both.!!

Just not worth bothering I think.