Oh my. The new cyberdog top has arrived and I have been wearing it all day, well, not including the bits where I was beavering away at work.

Half Term. Great. Short staffed and now our shop floor is rammed to the gills with bad smelling adults and their undeniably disgusting children. Its true what they say in the papers (not that I read them of course), kids are getting fatter. And not just a little bit. I was stood outside MacDonalds on Sunday and watched a parade of overweight kids wobbling and waddling their merry way out of the double doors. Sooner or later they are going to have to make it one big door like you get in most garages.! How is this possible.!! When I was a kid I went to MD’s about once every 6 months. It was a treat but to be honest I was never all that bothered. American Style Fastfood has never really appealed to me (yes I know I like a lot of Indian, Chinese and Pizza but that is not fast food, just convenience food), allow me to elaborate…

When you have eaten one burger from a burger joint, you have eaten them all. You know full well that they look nothing like they do in the photos and they taste nothing like you would expect. Then you come up against the misnomer “fast” food. Since when.? Fast food to me means its there within 30 seconds of standing at the counter, its hot and its fresh. Why is it that most of the time I go into somewhere I end up waiting (this was last time I went in some unnamed outlet) 5 minutes, my friend even longer and the food was A) cold and B) no way fresh (in all truth it had probably spent more time between being cooked and being in my hand than it had in between walking around some ex-rainforest area in Uruguay and being lobbed along with a long, stringy greener on to the griddle). That is neither fast, or food.

Surely it doesn’t have to be like this. Last time I was in London I visited a place with my Vegan ex-girlfriend (bless her) called Moaz Falafel. They sell, well, falafels (little rounds of basically seasoned chickpeas deepfried and whacked into a pitta bread with what ever you want added). It was a very busy time of day, near tea time, the place was in the middle of Soho (next to a most amusing gay bar that was packed to the gills, and I mean stuuuuuuffed with camp looking men. I was actually surprised to not see men in towels being slapped up against the steamed up windows.! (Hwang, leave it.!!)). We waited about the same amount of time as I did in the fastfood place while my food was prepared and cooked and I was offered a huge selection of things to go with it. It was CHEAPER too and nicer.!! Oh and there was just three people cooking and serving too. Miracles do happen it seems.

Now all we have to do is beat the hell out of all those parents who think its cheaper to feed their kids endless amounts of shit and then complain when they get hyperactive, have no teeth, drop down dead at the age of 8 through heart complaints. Hands up all those parents who claim their kid has ADHD (ie acting like a twat to get attention). 90% of ADHD is purely bad disciplining from parents, but when these kids are told off in schools then their parents attempt to attack the teachers, learning by imitation.? Go figure.

Scrrreeeeeech. . . brakes broken, can’t stop.!!!

*LATE NEWS*
Actually while I am in the mood, why is it that when I answer the phone at work people ask me stupid questions…
A transcript of some of an actual call…
“Good Morning *shop name* Weston, How can I help.?”
“Hello.? Is that *same shop name I have just said*”
“Errr.. yes.!”
“In Weston.??”

I’m sorry… no its actually the Tamworth branch of The Disney Store.! I just answer with the other name and place to confuse terrorists and piss of the elderly and infirm.!! Ooooh it makes me sooo mad.

Ok, its feeling like a Sunday again. How is everyone.? Good good. I have done little today except worry about stuff. Worrying about my course work for my work course lol, worrying about the state of my friends relationship, and worrying about my sanity.

Not much then.

Hearty congrats to the woman with 8 kids in her Citroen Xsara that managed to kill three of ‘em, and a stranger and seriously injure several other people. Well done love. You obviously had plenty of time at the back of the common sense queue.!!

More hearty congrats to the French who have actually got it right for a change and stuffed the EU resolution. Thank goodness for that. They obviously don’t want to be ruled by the Germans (aggaaaaaain.!) and nor do we. Not with leather shorts and those spiky helmets.! I still don’t see why we can’t just all be normal countries in our own right (except the US obviously, that just isn’t normal)….

… and you know something… I have had a sudden brain wave over this sort of thing. Now call me contentious, call me stirrer of pigeons or whatever the phrase is, but I have worked out where we went wrong. Years ago we were a proud nation of Industry, the worlds biggest Navy, empirey bits all over the world and a formidible footy team. And now… well now we aren’t. Industry.?? Where.????? Oh apart from a couple of plane wings and an occasional steel mill we don’t really build eff all now do we.? Everything we buy is built by some kid in a sweat shop in Africa or India for about 50p a week. Our formidible Royal Navy now consists of two small rowing boats and a rubber dingy with a leak. The biggest gun they carry is power by spuds. Our empire is of course no more. Oooh except we still have the Union Flag on the corner of the Australian flag which must REALLY piss them off when they see it raised at the Olympics.! Australia. Our biggest former prison hehehe. And our footy team, really.? Do I have to point out once again the uselessness and stupidity of these moronic imbeciles who are paid a fuck load of money to sexually assault women and drink too much (allegedly).

And do you know where I think we should apportion the blame for all of this… the point at which our great nation started to crumble into the Chavvy, badly run, red tape riddled, violent, crime ridden, pile it is today.? Well cast your minds back to where the rot started… just after the first world war… about 1918 ish. Remember what happened then.? It is amazingly simple…

Women got the vote.

*runs like buggery*

I don’t want to run into too many details on this one… I also don’t want to explain my feelings and thoughts, just to say that last night was rather bizarre in nature, and now I am single again. That is it I think.

Other stuff…. well we have a big well done to Alonso for another race win, and huge bad luck to Kimi (I can’t spell Raikkenen – see!) Great race though.

I hate this kind of weather. I started off hot in bed this morning (oi, none of that please) and then went into town. It was muggy as hell and the headache I have now is all thanks to that. Despite my girlfriend’s thankfully very cool bedroom I am still suffering. My poor brain feels as though it has been cooked and I have had to miss out on a free meal out and a night in the pub with the missus because I can’t see very well. British weather… bastards.

In other news today, its nice to see Liverpool back in the country. Expect car crime to double again this week.

I am STILL downloading Mark and Lard stuff from the net. If you want the BitTorrent links then mail me at mail@stitchingbastards.co.uk (i think.!!)

I haven’t got much to say tonight… the headache is making my brain fail miserably in the funny stakes. Oh well… see you all in Hobbits tomorrow, Chinese first though.

Mucho Tucko.!!

Oh bugger. Liverpool won. From 3-Nil down they won on penalties. Jon at work will be unbearable when he sobers up. Even so, I bet there is not a single wheel trim left in the whole of Turkey, lol.

So how is everyone.? Me and the new girl are getting on famously. I have actually spent more time with her than I have in work so far this week. I am sorry to all those online that I usually spend my evenings chatting to, I will be around more soon I promise but you know how it is.

Bad luck to the woman in town earlier who was the spitting image of Cherie Blair… frightening.!!

Tomorrow I shall be cooking a feast for my girl (some of the new random quotes are hers, the frog one wouldnt fit though sadly). Yams, corn on the cob and chicken yummy… just like her hehe.

And Hobbits on saturday night… what a week.!! My apologys for the offlining of this site at surprisingly regular intervals, Hwang is sorting it I promise and it should be ok again soon.!!

Right let me finish me sarnie, see you soon. x

I have just got in from a date with “that someone special” and I am smitten. She is a ray of sunlight in my usually slightly overcast world. I really must shut up but I don’t care. Grin.

I do warn you though. I may be annoyingly and unbearably happy for quite some time to come…

Lovely lady AND a microwave pizza. Wow.

I am doing it again. I am smiling. Last night started off a little slow (watching flaming Eurovision in the pub is not the best way to start a night off) and also my nose still hurt (piccy of my lovely blood here… blood link ). I wandered up to Hobbits on my own and had one of those nights where you know that you have met someone special. Someone you didn’t just talk about how pissed you were with or how bad the band is (they were quite good actually).

And thats all I think I need to say. Except I know she is reading this. Brownie and Blondie.? No competition.

I am in pain. A simple enough thing to type but my view of the screen is being distorted by the size of my nose and my slightly drugged up mind. There by hangs a tale…. (I apologise now for the joke at the end)

We went out last night. Myself, Hwang and Rich. Arrived in Hobbits to the usual slightly iffy metal band (who were Italian but Hwang was trying to talk to them in quite fluent German). Had a few drinks and a lovely hug with, well lets call her brownie. Brownie is soft and squidgy and smells nice, need I say more, apart from she has a bloke, grrrrrr. Oh and plus she reminds me vividly of a certain lady called Hayley who caused me a lot of pain and heartache years ago. Talk about life repeating itself dammit.

Well anyway, I was having a thoroughly nice time, Blondie had appeared and then told me she was seeing someone… someone who turned out to be called Rebecca (no I didn’t see it coming either) and annoyingly Blondie looked even nicer last night than she did last time… heyho.

Then came the slight downer…

While dancing with my eyes closed (which I actually have to consiously think about keeping open when I have had a couple), Keith’s head and my nose decided to occupy the same air space at the exact same millisecond as each other. I saw a blinding flash and went ooooow a lot, Keith took one look at me and dragged me by the hand, with Blondie in tow, out the door. I spent about 5 minutes dripping blood onto the pavement while various cloths and tissues were fetched. Blondie was very sweet and wiped my face and hands clean while I held my throbbing nose twixt fingers and repeatedly uttered the word “fuck” under my breath. Keith, bless him, kept apologising for doing it, not that it was his fault and he bought me a drink to say sorry, awwwwww. The bleeding stopped and we all went back to dancing.

When Hobbits closed we stood outside for a while, Dave took a piccy of me with my blood and some mad guy said he had found a tooth in the puddle.!! Cue look of horror from me and then bemusement as I found I still had all mine. Then I pointed out it was a peanut that the bouncer had been eating while I was bleeding.

I currently am sporting a nice line in big noses, a bruised lip and a cut on my tongue for my troubles.

So you see, my Friday night wasn’t all that boring. Will it be the same next week.???

Who nose.?

Arrrrrrggggghhhhhh. I have just wasted 35 minutes of my life waiting for a chuffing bus. Thanks a lot FirstBus, you useless bastards you. One every ten minutes, my arse.! Oh and the four guys on chavvy little mopeds, next time you have to skid to stop like that I hope you actually hit the back of the bus in front. HARD.

And breeathe…

Thats better..
Needed that… Righto, what a lovely day. The sun is shining and there is no cold wind. Bet its hammering down by the weekend but we shall see.
Hobbits tomorrow I think, but I have to convince someone first (someone who always says he wont go out both nights but does EVERY week without fail lol) to come out too. We shall see. I haven’t got a lot to say today. Bet you are glad to hear those words huh.?

Did hear a rumour about how the Post Office (which announced HUGE profits yesterday) send their postmen out with more than one bag of mail to avoid being fined for sending out first class post after 11am, crafty bastards. cant wait til they put a little competition in there and watch as they get pissed on.

Move your body, wiiiiiind your body. Byeeeee.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me you money.! No, just kidding. I have to start this page somehow each time, you know. Yesterday’s post did wander on for a while and I am afraid today’s will be no different.

First of all let me enlighten you with the following email which I sent on behalf of everyone here to the BlueWater Shopping Experience in Kent…
“Now that you have banned hoodies from one of your centres, could u clarify a few points please… firstly, are you allowed in without your hood up? I am a goth who wears a hoodie, not a chavy lowlife who nicks anything that is not nailed down. I don’t have the hood up unless I am outside and it is raining. Would I still be allowed entry.?

Secondly I notice that you have only banned caps and hoodies, the readers of my website are intrigued to know if we would be allowed in wearing balaclavas.?”

Now you see where I am coming from there.? Hope so. Moving on…

Secondly, I would like to thank the makers of Goodfellas Ciabatta Pizza for changing the slightly aniseedy Chorizo SPANISH sausage (on an Italian pizza.???) for the more traditional and much tastier pepperoni. Hurrah.! Now send me mountains of free pizzas please you Goodfellas you.

Thirdly, I was having a bit of browse on weird stuff on ebay last night. Someone was selling the stones out of the last snowman his son had built in Luton, described as being compatible with any other snowmen built around the UK. Oooook, next I found a guy who is selling 500Kg of rocks and stones from a beach. You pay for the time it takes him to collect it. That one I am sure is illegal. Freshwater Bay on the Isle of Wight is his haunt judging by the photo.

And last but not least I have a plea. Forget the images of 6 year old Brazilian kids going through bins, pics of bears tethered to walls in Bulgaria, just listen to this very important message… The Crazy Frog remix (whereby some arsehole takes the worst ringtone of all time and mixes it with a reasonable 80’s track, Axel F) is being released as a single. Words, I cannot find them to explain my horror. My plea.? If you know someone who wants to buy it then cut off their hands (unless they have been caught stealing in an Arabian country and then its a little academic.!). DONT BUY THE SONG. Do not even whistle it slightly, I beg of you.!!

Shivers are now running down my spine.!! Mooooooooo.!!

*LATE NEWS*
While browsing I found this story from the BBC.. makes amusing reading…
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4532657.stm

*MORE LATE NEWS*
Meant to mention my best jokeline from my course the other week (well I thought it was funny)…
Tina:- Im so nervous I have turned to jelly…
Ian:- What flavour.?

Ok so it sounds like nothing now but it was classy at the time.!