Ok, I know I wasn’t supposed to, but I went to Hobbits last night. Two people talked me into it and I had a quite reasonable time. More interestingly (audience – hmmmmm who are you kidding really.??) I found I CAN go out and still go to work the day after, and I am indeed off out tonight so can do that too (actually it was a girl called Gemma who talked to me into it with the phrase “You don’t wanna be beaten by an eighteen year old girl do you.?”… she didn’t specify what sort of beating but I am assuming it was actually not going to involve whips, chains and a thong soaked in peppermint tea).

Oooooh congrats to the guy who went in to a goth club, and stood next to me complaining how goths are pricks, blahdy blah blah blah. If you don’t like it mate, eff off up some chavy club where they appreciate your kind you scummy git. Ill let you know if he reappears tonight. hehehe.

Taxi..!!! The Copacabana.!…… well wait for me you bastard….*runs*

Hmmmm is it me or are my ears colder than usual.? As you can probably guess I have just had my hair cut (or ears lowered according to an ex-collegue of mine). Thought I had better get round to it because it was costing me a small fortune in styling putty and gum, one should not be using half a tub of it a week just to make a little spikiness appear.! Anywho, the pic is here… http://www.stitchingbastards.co.uk/photos/images/haircut.jpg and please leave your cheeky/sarcastic/ironic/downright rude message after the tone…

BEEEEEEP

As an aside from the usual stuff I watch on SkyTV, choice programmes about wars, aeroplanes and large insects to name but a few, I have just watched a programme entitled “The Great Stink”. It was all about ye olde London and their criminal lack of proper sewers and sanitary conditions up until 1859 (audience – yeh cheers then, we have just had lunch and are now vomiting copiously into bins, boxes and collegue’s handbags). Now it doesn’t really strike you as a fascinating thing to spend your time viewing but I have to say it was actually very interesting, plus I have learnt something new that concerns me slightly.

Let me explain… Up until a certain Mr Bazelgette built the huge sewer system the Thames was basically an open turd pipe and London was rife with Cholera and Diptheria (nowadays its gangstas and chavs but anyway). When the Government was forced out of Westminster simply by the smell of the Thames so close by, they commissioned him to sort it all out, gave him loads of money and he did, and it is still there, running perfectly despite the 4 million more cockney geezers crapping dodgy burgers into it continuously. 36 MILLION cubic feet of waste EVERY DAY, explains a lot though lol. Before all this came along though, the streets were awash with poo. Literally. Night soil was thrown out of windows into the street with shouts of ‘Guarde l’eau’ (mind the water) and this is where I start to worry…

You see, being a chivalrous kind of a guy, when I am pacing in the company of a lady friend I always try to be the gentleman and walk on the side of the pavement nearest the road. Now I believed this was to protect such gem of feminine design from the day to day splashes of passing traffic and the like and now I find I have been somewhat mislead. The reason a man is supposed to stroll along, balancing on the kerb stones is simply to take the “solids on the neck” when someone throws a slop bucket full of last night’s curry out of a window.! Ok, now I know this doesn’t happen anymore (although it did to Britney Spears a few months ago but that was due to her singing late at night, badly, in a built up area) but why has no one ever told me. If I had known that there was a small chance I could be wandering down a street, deep in conversation with someone to find myself suddenly awash with faeces and dripping all over, then I would have stood by the wall or carried an umbrella everywhere. Dear me.!

All I request is that future generations of us poor guys should be warned that being chivalrous can lead to shite in the hair.!!

On a related note, the programme was presented by Mr Bazalgette’s great great grandson who works as a TV Producer and brought us the delights of Big Brother…. see 120 years and STILL that family is throwing around shit, oh you saw that gag coming. Sorry.

Boop-poop-pee-doo Oooop.!

Shhhhhh….. listen… can you hear that sound.? The slight buzzing of annoyance and general pissed offness (ooh another new word one thinks).? Thats the sound of a rant attempting to BURST out of me…. its coming.!!

*BLAMMM*
I have just read that our beloved council (which I am sure should have a capital letter but as I always think of capital punishment when I hear that phrase then maybe its a good idea I don’t carry on in that vein (again) ) where was I… oh beloved council *grinds teeth* have managed to contemplate the idea of letting a company loose on the Tropicana (an outdoor fun pool that has been closed and derelict for a decade, leaving the only pool in Weston as Hutton Moor which is always bleedin’ closed for some chuffing Gala or bollocks like that) and the plan for the Tropicana doesn’t include a pool of any kind. A cinema, a hotel and other rubbish… oh good a hotel. So we get hundreds more grockles in the town but they still have eff all to do on a wet summers day (or any day to be honest cos there is really bugger all to do here unless you enjoy the endless gambling on the pier, urinating on drunk people and kicking seven shades of hell out of the so called police force around here (if lights continue to flash then another rant may be on its way!!)). Its mind boggling to imagine that the council, which may have an enforced typo involving the “C” word from here on, could even dare think of losing the one thing that would make Weston a little more fun again… Stupidity at its best.!!

*siren sounds* *two red lights flash* *barriers lower*

And another thing… we had an incident at work the other day. Something involving a skin head, a pitbull and a heavy object almost being thrown at our Manageress. We called the police and they rushed round…… quarter of an hour later. Cheers lads. Well done. We really pay our taxes to keep you lot of nonces in leather undies and cardies don’t we. Worse thing was that they really didn’t seem to care and just took vague details. I used to have respect for the police. Now I couldn’t give a toss. Pointy headed tossers.

*sound of loud diesel engine and woooshing air* *barriers lift*

I am really glad I got that out of my system. Now I have room for tea and maybe a little torture too.

You want salt and vinegar mate.? Cheers. What can I get ya love.?

Hello and welcome to a slightly belated start of the week. I never count Sunday as the start of a week due to the fact it is my recovery day from the nip and tuck of the night before.

On the menu for this week we have…..
1, A trip to our shop in Midsomer Norton for a look at some boxes on my day off,
2, Another night up Hobbits on Saturday… and maybe Sunday… and maybe even Monday too.
Err kind of over subscribed myself with a third one..!

Back to last week and (when he sends me it) Dave has a delightful photo of a couple of Chavs that were having a good old time on the dance floor in Hobbits on Saturday. They were basically just acting like arseholes and bouncing off each other and everyone else, like a mosh, only they were doing it delibrately to hurt other people. What a shame they hadn’t been pushing a pram down a country lane in the South East of England.

Just received a very apologetic letter from ITV regarding their F1 coverage on Sunday. They didn’t make me feel humble, despite my avoiding using the phrase “the production team should be eaten by Badgers” but I have to admit I will give them another chance to prove themselves worthy.

Well thats about it. Faggots for tea… (yes snigger now if you must but I love em. Mushy peas an’ all). More ramblings and tripe tomorrow, Cheers then.!

I am LIVID. I have veins standing out on my temples that I thought only existed in John Grisham Novels. The hairs on the back of my neck have still not laid down again and my palms are sweaty. Have I been reading the latest manifesto from the Liberal Democrats.? Maybe I have been checking out the facts on Chavs in society.? Nope, neither of the above. I have been watching the Formula One on our blessed ITV terrestrial channel. Now it was a thrilling race, Kimi out, Trulli slow, Button third, but Schumacher versus Alonso was the story of the race. Schumacher arsed up quali 2 and ended up 13th stuck behind his bro’s Williams. He stayed there until he made his pit stop and came out 3rd thanks to some very quick laps..!!! Then the action hotted up with the second stops out of the way and Schuie half a second off Alonso’s posterier… three laps to go annnnnnnnnnd a fucking ADVERT break. TWO laps later… and they rejoin with one lap to go. Words cannot express how pissed off I was, being made to watch an ad for a chuffing Vauxhall and Lloyds TSB (who WILL never get my business now, just for this one incident) and all the while the most exciting battle of the Formula One season so far was unfolding in limbo. BASTARDS.

For all complaints please email ITV at dutyoffice@itv.com. Hope they lose their franchise over this one.!!

Right. Where is it.? I know its gotta be out there somewhere. Lost in the far corners of our beloved postal service *spits on floor with resounding TING sound*. Let me explain, a few weeks ago I ordered this…
http://www.gothic.uk.com/acatalog/GOTHIC_TOPS_183.html (second photo down)

And the bloody thing is still not here. I’m just emailing the company as I speak but rest assured I KNOW its been stolen by Postman Plod, who is now wearing it to walk his dog around the block on a council estate somewhere in Manchester. Don’t ask me how on earth I managed to arrive at this conclusion, I just have a quivering in my loins.!!

Anywho. Tonight is Pugley’s Birthday. But no one will come to Hobbits with me.! Sods. At the moment not even wild horses would manage to drag me kicking and screaming into the den of troublesomeness that is Vision. Even if there was a nude woman with HUGE boobs prancing around the dance floor. Actually, to be fair, the small amount of clothing worn by most women in there leaves very little to the imagination. Which is not my thing. As many of my ex’s will tell you, I like to see undies, not a full of naked thing. Means I have something to work with and also I know I can finish my pizza in the time it takes her to finish stripping. Ooooooonly joking folks. Just less is indeed more.!

Im getting old maybe.!

Ahhh. Thursday afternoon. One more day to the weekend. Oooh plus Saturday is of course Saint George’s Day. I wonder if all our pubs and clubs will be doing promotions along the lines of the traditional “Drink Guiness until you eyes turn black” stuff you get with Saint Patrick’s Day. I doubt it. No one seems to notice that we have a national identity (although to be fair Saint Patrick was an Englishman lol. How cool.??!!) and where as the rest of the world celebrates each country being itself, we get moaned at by those arseholes in suits that say we are “Multi-Cultural”. Well fine, I am sure we are, but I would like to point out that most of the Aussie’s are descended from us bloody poms, as are the American’s (would like to point out that we take no responsibility for their behaviour after about 1886 lol) and the French are all cheese eating surrender Nazi’s apparently and THEY all celebrate their own ways and traditions without us complaining. I have no problem with other cultures celebrating their own traditions in this country either, the Notting Hill Carnival, or burning the US flag in Hyde Park.

I think its time to get some real English nationalism going in this blessed country of ours, before it is too late and we all end up speaking German and paying for goods in Monopoly money.

Its weird. I had all these thoughts while reading that my home town has a BNP guy running for election. Time to stop being a Tory boy I think.!!

Almost forgot to say…
Happy birthday to Pugs (so who are you shaggin now.?) and Jo.

While checking that lovely referal page of Hwangs, I was pleased, nay, delighted, to notice that someone managed to find my site through a yahoo search for the phrase “Uploading Piles”. Now I know I have some weird likes and dislikes. For instance I quite like the Danish, they make great bacon (or their pigs do at least, I have never met a Danish woman with “DANISH” tattooed vertically anywhere.!!) and they have liberal views on porn, oh and they turned down the idea of the European Constitution, Hurrah!! On the other hand I dislike cheese with odd fruits buried amongst it. Such as Wensleydale and Cranberry. Hmmm, great for cystitis but every one will wonder where the cheesy smell is emanating from.! Or Stilton and Lime.? Yuck.!

Now where was I, oh yes, who in their right mind would sit in front of their PC and do an internet search for piles… not just piles but UPLOADING piles. Is this a common complaint.? Are these piles that wander downstairs in the night, log onto faceparty and submit photos of themselves.?? Or maybe its someone who WANTS to upload pics of their own piles. Ooooh imagine that getting scanned in.! Nasty thought.!!

Either way it doesn’t bear thinking about. But at least it has given me something to waste just a little bit more of your life with reading about.

And now a word from our sponsers… lol

Greetings and welcome to the 19th of April 2005. Welcome to all the other dates that read this page and the pine nuts that drop by occasionally too.

Right time for some Political News.

Today one of the manifesto promises for the Monster Raving Looney Party was annouced as being the subsequent introduction of a 99p coin. Stupid huh.??

But no. Not at all.! In fact, a stroke of genuine genius. Now imagine if you will, a world in which the consumer is constantly tricked into buying any old tat “cos it costs less than a tenner, guv’nor”. Or as we know it, £9.99. Yes I am afraid to say that the British public as a whole fall for this trick and are really THAT stupid. But just think. With the introduction of the 99p coin, how on earth are companies going to enitce you away from that extra penny… By making everything £9.98 so SAVING you money. That to me is power to the customer, that is.!!

On an even more cheerful note, a man who shot two coppers while being arrested, died earlier after a failed suicide attempt in his car. Hang on…. he ended up dying in hospital after his suicide attempt failed.??? Surely if you die from a suicide attempt then it went right.! Either way it has saved us taxpayers having to foot the huge bill for locking him up, funding the appeal, fucking around with the bastard human rights courts, which will let him out of course so he can murder someone else. Good Job Boyo, well done.

Ooooh and Richard LittleJohn told me to mention that Cheri Blair took £100k from a childrens cancer fund to pay her mortgage. (alledgedly)

Boy boy for now.!