Well it has been a busy couple of weeks. With this heat kicking in as well it has made it rather warm and uncomfortable on our little rebinning exercise for the new stuff coming into work.! So what has been going on then…

There was a few celebrity deaths… Molly Sugden, her with the pussy from Are You Being Served, still a classic comedy (much better than the awful “That’s My Boy” she followed it with)… Farah Fawcett-Majors, not someone on the main part of my radar but a well known and well loved actress nonetheless and then of course…

…Jackson of Michael. The loss of such an important man in musical history is something to be mourned at length but perhaps more privately than splashed across the media every sodding morning a la Princess Di or to a slightly lesser extent Jade “Irritating Trash” Goody.

Mr Jackson first appeared in my life when a certain classmate of mine named Richard kept playing “Bad” at junior school in the hall as we got ready for P.E on a Monday (I think) afternoon and used to play “Man In The Mirror” a lot too. I have never been his biggest fan (RE my love of Jarvis Cocker etc, etc) but I have always enjoyed his music. He has almost created a genre for himself without seemingly trying. He will be sorely missed and the music world has lost someone as unique and important as Freddie Mercury, John Lennon or George Harrison.

What else has been going on… oh yes, two guys drown whilst swimming in Weston Bay… sliiiiightly contraversial subject this but something I want to comment on without people taking offence. Two guys, both old enough to know better who have lived here (and worked nearby) to know that Weston is a dangerous place to swim ESPECIALLY when you have been drinking. I know not to go in the water because of the mud and the currents and I also am aware that swimming when you are a bit tanked up is going to put you at risk. Sadly two people are now dead due to their utter lack of common sense but the thing that really got to me was this morning’s Mercury…

There ARE enough signs on the beach warning of mud and bad sea conditions but I don’t believe all the signs in the world could have stopped this tragedy happening (see the guy who was dragged out of the water Sunday early hours whilst shit faced and drowning as well). There needs to be some responsibilty for action… the girl who got knocked over whilst not looking and listening to her iPod the other day faced up to the fact that she acted like an idiot and almost died, well done. She didn’t say that there should be warnings (which sadly there are) all over iPod instructions stating your should not wear one whilst crossing the road BECAUSE YOU MIGHT NOT HEAR A CAR.

See what I mean.? Whether you have ploughed your Saxo/MX-5 off the toll road through utter stupidity and too much speed or if you have let your five year old daughter wander off on her own to die on a beach whilst you fail to keep an eye on her… it is YOUR responsibility… you have control of these situations people. There is no Superted/Batman/Superman to come and save you. If you do something that has a risk in it then so be it, your choice, but it is YOUR choice and no one else is to blame.

On another note, the East Coast Main Line is being reNationalised. Hurrah. but only for a year. Boo. The Government has decided that they aren’t going to be able to squeeze enough cash out of National Express (which is lunacy when you think about it, as GNER were doing a great job and some fat cunt in the Treasury decided that the £1.4 BILLION that NatEx were supposed to pay them was a nice little earner. Now Firstgroup want to get hold of it which is beginning to make the country into a Firstgroup owned railway (apart from the freight sector, oh now THAT is owned by the Germans, well at least they know how to run a railway, usually all trains going east of course).

I know, keep it nationalised and stop it making any irritating shareholders any money and ALL the profits can be ploughed back into the company rather than the back pocket of some wankshaft from Suffolk that drives a 5 series BMW and has a girlfriend who has had so much plastic surgery that her tits and teeth are touching.! And if that is not an option then for goodness sake don’t let Firstgroup anywhere near it. They will fuck it quicker than Russell Brand after a double Viagra dose (and he is an annoying little tosspot too isn’t he).

Well I must away, the pizza is almost here. Bon Voyage.!

It has been a slightly odd Monday… working this morning then a presentation in Taunton under some really beautiful storm clouds (which sadly followed us from Bridgwater but failed to get anywhere near my house, pffft, gay).

So I have been home earlier than usual and settled down watching a little Fraiser (quantity not some midget in an Armani suit with a big forehead and poshness Seattle-ness) whilst banging a priest around Thelgen Rock on WoW (any warlocks on Nordrassil who need Robes Of Arcana for the Bloodrobe quest, please mail Nutralis, I sell em quick and cheap).

Ooooh dinner time.! Back soon.

Heyup my little beauties… week 24, day 2, 2009. three days to Download (which I am not going to sadly but maybe next year, who knows.!?!) the day Gordon Brown decided to stay in power and ignore the fact that no one wants him there anymore (well do remember some of us didn’t want him or his ‘orrible friend Tony there in the first place, guv).

I was just checking my facebook and lo and behold (aside from the fact I had not one comment, bastards, my own fault for not updating it yesterday) there was a group I could join… called “fans of facebook”. Oh. Dear. Is it not enough that I am using the site, apparently not. Now I can show my love for it thanks to some retard who decided they want to suck up to the massive machine of the internet by creating a fanclub. Dear me.

Still no sign of the thunderstorm that a certain office of met offered me. Well, I say offered, PROMISED. Sods. What is the point in global warming if it isn’t going to get anymore scary and loud outside and just gets a little warmer and a touch wet. Pah. Typical, but at least we had the snow I suppose because let us face facts, it was lots of fun and so very amusing.!

Mr Griffin of the British National Party was pelted by eggs in Westminster earlier. I am not condoning the use of chicken ova in the pursuit of political sentiment but it is bloody funny. I personally believe all politicans should be fair game for egginess. Whapping a box of class ‘A’s at the gurning mush of Harriet Harman would have been a joy to behold as would a plate of scrambled passing across the jowly chops of Mr Kenneth Clarke. Of course the biggest would be saved for Mr Brown, perhaps a large ostritch egg despatched with indecent haste down the front of the prime ministerial trousers.! Ah tomfoolery with food. What ever next.?!

For some reasons outside of my control I am currently being subjected to the US version of I’m a ZZZ List Celebrity Cover Me In Faeces and Send Me To Costa Rica. One of the contestants is a celebrity for appearing on a previous reality TV show… so that makes fucking sense. Plus he is a smug and smarmy cunt called Spencer Pratt. Words are failing me here.!

And finally… the NHS is whinging that smokers are costing it £5bn a year through fag related diseases (no not AIDS). How come in the last two years a whopping TWENTY MILLION QUID in tax and excise duty was paid into the coffers of the Government but the NHS doesn’t really get much (well it does but rather than buy nurses and doctors it buys shit computer systems (£18million in one fell swoop) and stupid middle managers who can’t help people get well but still take home hundreds of thousands of pounds every year in wages for “running” the trusts around the country.

Just think peeps, if us smokers ALL stopped smoking for one year the country would lose £10bn worth of revenue. Where would we be borrowing to reinforce that from then.!?

Right I am off for a sly one. A bleedin’ sly one mind.!

www.webuyanycar.com… It has come to the point where I now start diving for the remote control so I can mash the mute button until the horrible sound of the advert fucks off into the electronic ether. But rest assured that I shall be sending them a disturbing email soon after I finish typing this just so I can get it off my chest.

Now today is a special occasion… myself and Chili have been together for exactly a year today.! I know it is hard to believe but it has actually been a year since we met. So congrats to us and a big kiss to my gorgeous girlfriend.!

In other news, the weather, if you see what I mean. I hate hot weather unless it is Download time (baby.!) and right now I am struggling to cope with overly sweaty nuts and an on again off again headache caused by the internal temperature of my stockroom being well over 30 degrees continuously. Plus there are some HORRIFIC people out there wearing bugger all.!!! I saw a guy today who looked like me with my top off, only 100% chav, bad tats and a bird on his arm who looked like Ram-man (from He-Man if you remember.!), she was about four foot tall and fourteen foot round.! Then there was a woman yesterday who was wearing denim shorts that were so short you could actually see her “love mound” from one heck of a distance. Add into this the smell of horrible unwashed bastards walking through our front door and you can imagine the sheer hatred I have of the combination of public and heat.!

Well that is all for now. . . the curry is resting comfortably and Chili has promised to rub my feet after I have a nice cool bath.

See ya kids.!

Afternoon my crazy bunch of people who should know better and are probably working as you have no skills and mostly exist in the shite we call retail…

…which is where I normally am but for the day off I am enjoying courtesy of a trip to Taunton for a course on Thursday. Good day that was, let me tell you.! Late in, early out, train rides, and a blister on my left heel that pissed me off all the walk back to the station. Arse. Oh well. Although I did notice a couple of things on my travels…

Firstly there was a surprising lack of Freisian cows, the classic black and white wee beastie that we are all so used to.  Damn Germans.! Anywho, apart from a field or two of our monotone mooing friends, all the others were browner than brown. Guernsey, Jersey and Dairy Shorthorn (I think, look I was on a 158 doing 75mph, it wasn’t like I could get out and check.!) were in abundance in fields along the way. I am guessing this is something to do with the populace pushing for more diverse foods and maybe farmers enjoy a little more money for the creamier milk these breeds tend to give.

The second thing I noticed was a sign on the platform at that armpit of the West known as Bridgwater. Now I don’t know if this was a standard sign used on all stations owned by that formible pile of bastards known as Firstgroup or if it was a specific notice detined to only be used in a place where sisters and brothers are a lot closer than the rest of the country (except Nottingham and Norfolk obviously). It read “The use of cycles, skateboards, rollerskates, rollerblades and scooters is forbidden on this station”.

Seemingly innocuous yes.? Well I didn’t think much about it until my brain loaded properly and it struck me… why use the word “cycles”.? Why not bikes, a term now far more commonly used… UNLESS they were worried that a mob of circus bound lads all riding unicycles might slip unwanted onto the up platform and start fuggling (I mean juggling but I missed typed the letter ‘j’ and I liked the new word I made) with their balls…

BUT and it is a big but. Not as big as the arse end of that fat lass who was in our shop yesterday just quite large. But, what happens if someone rides in on a penny-farthing.? Or a tandem.!?! Mayhem could ensue and tottering Victorian style gentlemen would be most annoyed by being told things by the conductor of the next stopping DMU such as “dismount young sir”, “no time for that my lord” and “how the fuck am I supposed to get that in the guard’s van”.

Weird.

So what is tonight.? Tis Saturday once more and I am not going out AGAIN. Restraining myself from spending any more than I need to this month and so I shall be unable to attend the works do scheduled for tonight and shall be spending a barbeque with the family whilst Chili enjoys her Mexican and then work tomorrow followed by the BTCC.! Hurrah.! So I shall see you later yes.? Good. Byeeeeee.

The merry month of May has dawdled it’s way into our hearts. The days are longer, the weather warmer and I am bored at work. Genius. Just time to sit back, relax and await the two week Brummie invasion where every other person through the door happens to use the words “Alroight moite” within seconds of entry.

Now you wanted that rant I had left lying around didn’t you… about Tescos.? You know what… I actually swapped my annoyance at them for plain and simple apathy. I have started to boycott them and started shopping at proper little shops…

…or at least I had until I wandered into one or two shops around town that are run in the classic corner shop style if you see what  I mean. When you have paid £1.10 for a simple Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle then it made me wonder if I was being too hard on the large money grabbing corporate force when I can be ripped off more professionally by some tosspot who has a McColls franchise and adds THIRTY pence to the average price of a packet of Lambert just to make his pockets a little more weighty.

Of course the other shops such as local butchers and farm shops stock much better produce with better money going to the farmers (as well as the mucho glorious flavours that go with proper looking after of animals and a lack of chemicals and hormones) so they will always be naturally more pricey but the difference in quality is worth it.

Moving on to other news… Jordan and Peter Andre have split up. Oh no. Oh woe is me. So bloody what. Two of the biggest freaks in showbiz and Peter Andre. Ahem. I am just worried about the children. Who is going to be stupid enough to want to shack up with either of the adults when their children are so fucking scary.!?! Princess.?? Looks more like Princess Di… as she is now.!!!

So Gordon Ramsey has been given a bollocking for using the f-word (that is FUCK for those of you who live sheltered lives… or are dyslexic). Now I don’t see the problem here. I don’t find it offensive at all. I am far more offended by the televised pictures of celebrities on ice skates titting around pretending they are in a serious competition when they are more like so many show pigs being oinked around a slippery arena. Here is an f-word for you… CUNTS.

And finally tonight apparently there are many more people cancelling holidays to Mexico - err is this just that people don’t want to go to a place full of Mexicans rather than anything else.? Or being that close to the Americans.!

Anyway that is it from me. Take it easy on the knees my dear.!

*****LATE NEWS*****

Actually I do have a little more to add…

Swine flu. Errrr where is it.??? All the hu-hah about the world’s population of humans and pigs (and humanpigs such as Kerry Katona) dying out because of some sneezing bacon has not quite died down but with about three people and a slightly snuffly piglet somewhere in Eccles being the only victims can I assume the tabloids rather dived in too quickly.?

As usual their mass scare stories are the best place to see wound up speculators and jumped up two bob ex medical types throwing in stupid comments that can easily be edited by even the thickest of journalist and added to headlines like “Swine Flu - Prepare to Flee” or “Pig The Way Of Your Death Mortal”. Grrr they do bloody well annoy me.!

Lastly for this blog I would like to say a big thank you to Chili and her family for the recent festive moments at her birthday barbeque. Was very lovely and a great time was had by all, especially by my slightly drunken but gorgeous girlfriend, Miss Chili herself.

Night night all.!

Heyup my darling peeps how the bloody hell are you all.? Sorry to hear about the gout and get well soon to Mr Stephen of Hawkin… maybe someone should reboot him, see if it works out better.

First off a big well done fellas to Red Bull’s F1 team and their one-two on Sunday last… marvellous race, good to see the Ham in their throwing the car in all directions and the Ferraris failing to score again, hehe. Excellent race. This weekend is the Bahrain GP and BTCC from Thruxton, my favourite English course and one of the fastest.! Should be exciting I think.

What shall I tap into on here first… oh, I know, the girl I saw earlier prancing around in her white rimmed plastic ‘designer’ sunglasses… Love, they look awful. You look like a fucking victim who wants to be Kanye West crossed with Lady Gaga. Take them off now and stop looking like a big dick.

Lots of fun in town yesterday with cordoned off areas, police everywhere, a separate incident in our store brought an ambulance and a couple of coppers too so at least we were entertained.! Was almost as good as that old lady collapsing and bringing a helicopter and lots of various blue-lighted vehicles to the High Street (thankfully she was ok in the end).

I do have a rant brewing… bear with me… it will be along tomorrow.! Byeee all.

Right… I have been surprisingly good about this. I have managed to avoid the issue time and time again despite more jokes about it than stupid chavs hitting spiky fences in the snow and Maddy McCann. There is a limit to the restriction of my venomous rage and it has easily been surpassed.

A TWELVE PAGE PULL OUT OF JADE FUCKING GOODY.! Who the HELL thought that would be the best way to celebrate the life of a repulsive, press courting, media whore who did nothing great for society and was only famous because she racially abused someone in a house full of CCTV cameras.

Princess Diana, ok I can understand the nation’s grief over that if I really have to (actually I still have no idea how she was so loved when she played the media just as much but she did help people and she didn’t ‘have’ to, fair enough). Winston Churchill, I can see why the death of one of our greatest Prime Ministers would require all the state finery, let’s be honest here, when Mr Blair passes on (soon we hope for the Middle East sake if not our own) I doubt there be anything more than a quick wave goodbye from us all and back to work.

Now ok Miss Goody was not given the full “wander the coffin through the streets of London Town passing by the landmarks on the way” type send off but she might as well have been. The front of The Sun (yes I know, don’t say it) was emblazoned with her Kojak like physiog for over a month almost EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.  The pull out was the crowning turd on the overfilled cess pit.

Actually, no it wasn’t, her mum’s insistence on a guard for the bloody grave is the top of the pile. The only thing they need to officially guard against is me in my tap shoes DANCING ON IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I am sorry she is dead but unlike so many people before her she died without dignity or scruples. Wendy Richard died at a similar time and there was little fuss, little press and buckets of respect. She was a glorious actress, a one time hotty and a famous face for the right reasons.

Maybe I am just worried that next time it might be Jordan or Kerry Katona. The world would never hear the bloody end of it.!

*breathes*

My usual day off has been filled with bad music, cupcakes (no not that kind, euuugh), reheated pizza with garlic breadiness and plenty of tea… oh and Jeremy Kyle.

Yes, Jeremy Kyle… now I am sure there is a thing there that bugged me… ah. Twas the first guest. On for her third DNA test with her mum who has five kids by three men and a sister who got compensation for falling down some stairs.! Could this be one of the worst families on there ever.??? Fling in an estate and some burnt out cars and I think we are done. Luckily though it did turn out ot be third time lucky and the guy WAS the father. Oh good. I will go get the champers and a big fuck off knife.

I also wish to issue a bit of a retraction. Mr Button I would like to apologise with the biggest sorries for doubting your driving abilities. You performed without fault on Sunday and I was most impressed by both the car and your amazing win. Ditto Mr Barrichello.! Now The Ham, disqualified from third for a weird infringement after such a great drive to the top from the back. very good but unlucky. What happened I cannot tell so I guess we shall see what this Sunday brings (along with THREE touring car races, hurrah).!

And finally tonight… The Government want to push through a ban on jokes about gay people as it is “supposed” to incite hatred against those of us who prefer the taste of cock to cunt… or vice versa. Now I have no problem with homosexuals, I love them… but like any person I like jokes too. I like ALL types of jokes and I truly believe no one is above having the piss ripped out of them. I don’t care whether you are a muslim, in an iron lung, white, black, yellow, purple, Scottish, Irish, French, deaf, dumb, blind, or a Catholic Priest - you are fair game.

So let us all talk about Heather Mills maybe.? Bye for now.!

Well you know it is going to be a good one when I have started by rolling my sleeves up. Actually that may be partly because of the hot cup of Chicken Bovril (much tastier than the beef version if you are just drinking it) I have just poured down my neck.

So much has happened in the world since I was last here tapping away at the keyboard…

Miley Cyrus. Hmmmm. Stupid name, sounds like a warm up act for the Radio One Roadshow, has hit out at the lovely Radiohead as they “dissed” her after a grammy award ceremony. They beat her and Kanye West (another retarded “star” with the worst type of music, R ‘n’ B, belting out songs that have the same underpinnings but different lyrics - see also Lady GaGa, Beyonce and anyone partly coloured from America) to an award and so she got all snotty and not very Disney and said “I texted all my friends telling them what happened”. Oh no.! Those poor guys must be reeling with the news that Miley Fucking Cyrus, possibly the most annoying American to ever grace the airwaves doesn’t like them PURELY because they didn’t want to be seen with a low budget gobby singer/so called actress.! And Mr West, Kanye, go shove your head up your bottom because you are very close to being the human equivalent of a septic cock…

…talking of cocks… Mr Moyles. Bet you thought I had forgotton about that big chubby waste of space.? Well I haven’t. The little fucker is splashing himself and his “team” over the early users of Twitter. Maybe it needs renaming Twatter.? He proved himself a total one joke pony by teasing Aled (a man who would look good under a mine collapse) about his gayness. Ok mate, we get it. Aled is gay. Like the Kumars, who only ever make jokes about being Indian, he has no other material. Cunt…

I did have a moment of total confusion though when I heard the closing theme of his show (I wanted Wogan/Ken Bruce on but I was overruled) and the joy in my heart was almost palpable until the sudden realisation that Miss Jo Spaffing Whiley was coming up next. A little bit like getting stuck in quicksand and then realising the person coming to help you is Benny from Crossroads with a lobotomy. Oh and I can’t remember which of their irritating shows contained it but the song by a band called the White Lies, something about Fairgrounds, is just like every other FUCKING SONG about by every other fucking indy band with their shitty hair.

Oh and Madonna’s American Pie is terrible. On the bright side, played backwards it is just as shit, so at least she is consistant. I see Lady GaGa got to number one. How.? Different lyrics, same beat, yada yada yada.

A Swiss watch manufacturer has teamed up with a team of psychics to produce a watch that can apparently predict the future. I wonder if it will be able to tell you to insure it or not when you first put it on.!

The powers that be have issued a warning that we are now at the point where the use of a “dirty” nuke bomb could be used by terrorists.! Errrr really.??? Are you being serious.??? I think not.! Let us all face the obvious… most of our information is passed to us by the American intelligence services. These people can barely work can openers (ok bad example) err can barely work out how to walk past a fast food place without loading their already full gullets with massive amounts of food let alone keep an eye on a few people in tea towels and carrying AK47s. Just don’t be Brazilian and carrying a backpack anytime soon.!

and finally…

There is a man in the country who wishes to be burnt on an open funeral pyre when he dies. He is a 70 year old Hindu and cannot seem to work out why no one will let him. He isn’t living in the middle of Hyderabad, Calcutta or anywhere near as Indian (such as Birmingham), he does in fact live in Newcastle.! He has totally ignored the wishes of us in the country who would prefer not to see his body burning like a Foot and Mouth riddled cow in the middle of a field outside of Sunderland. Look dude, just chill, head back to where you came from and be cooked there. No one minds there, it is expected and legal.

He said “it is part of my faith”, which is a fucking ridiculous excuse because I am supposed to knock back the red wine in my church and if I tried to take a Saudi Arabian case on this I would lose instantly. I like to think we are quite tolerant and liberal in this glorious England but we have to draw the line somewhere. Preferably just behind the last Pole who heads back to driving buses in bloody Krakow.

And with THAT I will end today’s proceedings. Pity my poor stomach by the way, for it is not well.!